Getting caught short

On a trip to Liverpool to watch a match, I ate a really dodgy burger from one of those ropey Street vendors. I could feel my guts churning all the way through the match. Whilst driving back feeling rather worse for wear, I dropped what I thought would be a fart, but turned out to be a shart. Had to pitstop on the hard shoulder. Luckily I had a window cleaning cloth in the glove box to sort myself out with or it would have been a very uncomfortable and stinky journey home. My mate still finds this endlessly amusing to this day.
 
russell664 said:
Once I was playing games with my brother and step brother.

It was a game what made me laugh (One of those stupid sky games). anyway, I had a bit of a dodgy tummy that day, laughing too hard made my starfish tremble.
So I tried to hold it in - as someone was in the toilet.
From what I remember, this game had a dog and ran over turds to catch a cat. Well, when you run over truds it made an amazingly funny noise and I cracked.

Two parts of me cracked.

I laughed, my starfish opened and created a mess what can only be described as dingleberry stew.
It stank, ran down my leg and destoryed the brand new rug we had for a couple of days.

My arse was on fire. I ran to the bathroom (Which was now empty) with my newly create eten mess and deposited half my body weight in poo.
Oh it burned. I needed a shower of shame after that one.
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Thank you, brightened up my afternoon :D
 
A few years I was doing some electrical tests for a private landlord in occupied student properties, had two to do in the day as I was finishing the first one I knew I needed to use the Loo, but I knew it was going to smell fowl, and you know the type of place, small bathroom, probably no fan and I thought it wouldn't be very professional of me to stink out someone elses house... anyway got to the second one and things increase a bit, tempted to ask to use the loo now, but its the house share of a few student lasses, I cant leave a stench that would be bad for a building site cabin there, so get the job done as quick as I can and leave, its getting really desperate now.... I think, can I make it back to the office, realise the wholesaler is on the way back, call in there, rush in, WC is available, do what I need to do, Book out some batteries for the test kit (thats my excuse for comming in) and head back out to the office. Apparently one member of staff walked past the toilet door after he had known that I was last to use it and remarked to someone as to that I might be quite ill... and then later told a colleague of mine to pass it on that I was banned from their toilet :o
 
Adam_151 said:
A few years I was doing some electrical tests for a private landlord in occupied student properties, had two to do in the day as I was finishing the first one I knew I needed to use the Loo, but I knew it was going to smell fowl, and you know the type of place, small bathroom, probably no fan and I thought it wouldn't be very professional of me to stink out someone elses house... anyway got to the second one and things increase a bit, tempted to ask to use the loo now, but its the house share of a few student lasses, I cant leave a stench that would be bad for a building site cabin there, so get the job done as quick as I can and leave, its getting really desperate now.... I think, can I make it back to the office, realise the wholesaler is on the way back, call in there, rush in, WC is available, do what I need to do, Book out some batteries for the test kit (thats my excuse for comming in) and head back out to the office. Apparently one member of staff walked past the toilet door after he had known that I was last to use it and remarked to someone as to that I might be quite ill... and then later told a colleague of mine to pass it on that I was banned from their toilet :o
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That’s a cracking one!

The sort of evacuation that makes you thank your lucky stars that it didn’t happen in your pants...!!!
 
Heard a really funny story on Radio 2 the other week.

A jogger was out on a decent exerting run early one day and the urge came on all of a sudden (apparently it's common - I don't run myself so can't comment).

Nobody was around so they popped into a bush, did the business.....but then a dog came wandering over, and then the owner shortly after.

The owner mistakenly thought the dog had pooped, and proceeded to bag it up, and off he went.
 
TimTom said:
Not me, but a few years back one of my mum’s dustmen poohed himself in the street whilst on his round. He asked my mum if he could use the alleyway at the back of her house to try and clean himself up. She said he could come in and use her bathroom but he declined and just accepted a roll of toilet paper and some hand gel. He was only in his twenties but he was wearing white long johns which he disposed of in a plastic carrier bag, courtesy of my mum again!
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Love re-reading this thread when I fancy a laugh.

Is it wrong of me to want to know how your mum knew he’d deposited white long johns in the carrier bag?!
 
Only just seen this question!

I asked her the same question when she related the story. Turned out my dear old mum had given the poor lad a clear plastic bag and not a logo-embossed one, so there was nothing to conceal his dirty deed. Good old mum, I bet he was well-chuffed!
 
We'd been for a Chinese at our favourite restaurant, as we do every bank holiday Monday in a family tradition. For some reason this specific place always does something a bit weird to my guts, my farts often stink real bad and real garlicky at record speeds after eating here.

After the meal we've crossed the road to flag a cab down as we often do, sure enough my guts are acting up but usually it's just wind and as we are outside I think little of it and let rip.
Of course you know given the nature of this thread that it wasn't just wind. Given I suspected nothing I hadn't held back either, there was a lot of it.

I hobble round the corner whilst other members of my family continue to look for a cab and begin something of a clean up operation. Basically just scooping out what I can and trying to clean my hands with wet leaves.
Unfortunately my family are quickly successful in hailing down a cab and I reappear and get in, hoping I may be able to ride it out.

The smell is ungodly but smells quite a lot like dog mess. I blame it on that, claiming to have trodden in a big runny turd, hence the reason for dissapearing in search of leaves to wipe my shoe on.
I end up with a plastic bag over my shoe for the duration of the journey, which obviously does nothing to help.

I've never fessed up to what really happened.


When I would get up very early in Summer when training for a half marathon, I would often have near misses, going for a run seemed to get my bowels moving every time. I used to call the final stretch when I'd be in agony "The brown mile". EDIT- I see I told this story earlier in the thread!
 
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For those instances when you happen to have very smelly poops (which seems to be a common theme in this thread), I think an intermediate toilet flush can be surprisingly effective at reducing the smell - after dropping the main load, flush straight away. Then you can go on to see if there's a secondary load (flush after that too) or if it's just time for cleanup. Still get the smell, but a lot less than if the festering turd is sat in the bowl the whole time while you're waiting for round two / cleaning up.
 
GreatAuk said:
For those instances when you happen to have very smelly poops (which seems to be a common theme in this thread), I think an intermediate toilet flush can be surprisingly effective at reducing the smell - after dropping the main load, flush straight away. Then you can go on to see if there's a secondary load (flush after that too) or if it's just time for cleanup. Still get the smell, but a lot less than if the festering turd is sat in the bowl the whole time while you're waiting for round two / cleaning up.
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Very true. There was an email going round years ago (back when funny emails used to circulate round offices freely) which was basically a poop glossary, which referred to it as a 'courtesy flush'. I use it regularly when I've dropped a really gnarly one and it does take the edge off considerably.
 
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