Getting caught short

vanillaface · 6 Nov 2019 at 16:30

Once, I *almost* made it to the toilet.
I sprayed diarrhoea all over the cubicle, and myself.

A couple of other times, I had to **** in the woods.

But then something beautiful happened - I met a girl who was a veteran of ******** in the woods on various adventures, and she told me that if you pull your arse cheeks apart when you ****, you don't get a messy bum.
This advice proved worth its weight in bog roll, and all subsequent ***** in the woods were tagnut-free.

dl8860 · 6 Nov 2019 at 16:57

Why is people pooing themselves so funny?

vanillaface · 6 Nov 2019 at 16:59

dl8860 said:
Why is people pooing themselves so funny?

Apes like to fling poo.
Shaved apes like to laugh at poo.

morbid42 · 6 Nov 2019 at 18:48

When i was a student working in a supermarket, an elderly man had the runs. We found out first from the smell and then from the trail of liquid poo going up the isle, round the corner and down the next isle.

Contradicting his physical issue, he literally didnt give a **** and continued to shop

AHarvey · 6 Nov 2019 at 18:53

Didn't we have someone on here that was in the country and was desperate so they decided to go against a boundary in a field, but lost their balance and ended up going over the fence into someone's garden while they were having a bbq?

Can't remember the username but i'm sure it was a) someone that liked making blanket forts and b) was an air traffic controller

morbid42 · 6 Nov 2019 at 18:56

AHarvey said:
Didn't we have someone on here that was in the country and was desperate so they decided to go against a boundary in a field, but lost their balance and ended up going over the fence into someone's garden while they were having a bbq?

Can't remember the username but i'm sure it was a) someone that liked making blanket forts and b) was an air traffic controller

And c) liked s**ting in the neighbours bbq

JBuk · 6 Nov 2019 at 20:55

vanillaface said:
Once, I *almost* made it to the toilet.
I sprayed diarrhoea all over the cubicle, and myself.

A couple of other times, I had to **** in the woods.

But then something beautiful happened - I met a girl who was a veteran of ******** in the woods on various adventures, and she told me that if you pull your arse cheeks apart when you ****, you don't get a messy bum.
This advice proved worth its weight in bog roll, and all subsequent ***** in the woods were tagnut-free.

‘she’s a keeper!

b00merang69 · 6 Nov 2019 at 23:16

Would be a good verse in a country song...

By the time I get to Phoenix she'll be rising

b00merang69 · 6 Nov 2019 at 23:23

Subhuman all of them esp the last one which is what chimps at the zoo do, they all need a good hard kicking.

TimTom · 27 Oct 2020 at 09:48

One year on... must have been some more “incidents”, surely?

the shadow · 27 Oct 2020 at 10:42

Most Excellent sick bag to take on Travels
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IumTuLO-I3A

russell664 · 27 Oct 2020 at 11:43

Once I was playing games with my brother and step brother.

It was a game what made me laugh (One of those stupid sky games). anyway, I had a bit of a dodgy tummy that day, laughing too hard made my starfish tremble.
So I tried to hold it in - as someone was in the toilet.
From what I remember, this game had a dog and ran over turds to catch a cat. Well, when you run over truds it made an amazingly funny noise and I cracked.

Two parts of me cracked.

I laughed, my starfish opened and created a mess what can only be described as dingleberry stew.
It stank, ran down my leg and destoryed the brand new rug we had for a couple of days.

My arse was on fire. I ran to the bathroom (Which was now empty) with my newly create eten mess and deposited half my body weight in poo.
Oh it burned. I needed a shower of shame after that one.

Mike9000 · 27 Oct 2020 at 17:06

Local news recently....

https://www.stokesentinel.co.uk/news/stoke-on-trent-news/its-like-walking-dead-readers-4614889

"This man chooses to drop his pants in the middle of Hanley in the middle of the afternoon and has a poo. Arrested and let off no problem? The world is mad."

TimTom · 27 Oct 2020 at 17:33

Mike9000 said:
Local news recently....

https://www.stokesentinel.co.uk/news/stoke-on-trent-news/its-like-walking-dead-readers-4614889

"This man chooses to drop his pants in the middle of Hanley in the middle of the afternoon and has a poo. Arrested and let off no problem? The world is mad."

I guess it was a case of “going, going...”

Angilion · 27 Oct 2020 at 18:20

Mike9000 said:
Local news recently....

https://www.stokesentinel.co.uk/news/stoke-on-trent-news/its-like-walking-dead-readers-4614889

"This man chooses to drop his pants in the middle of Hanley in the middle of the afternoon and has a poo. Arrested and let off no problem? The world is mad."

A few years ago, a company making a zombie apocalypse film was searching for an area that looked like the apocalypse had happened, most people had died and what had once been a city had become a decaying wasteland. They filmed in Hanley because it required very little set dressing to fit that description.

That's not a joke. The film is called "The Girl With All The Gifts". They could have used some of the people in Hanley as the zombies, but that would have been too realistic.

Mike9000 · 28 Oct 2020 at 00:46

Angilion said:
A few years ago, a company making a zombie apocalypse film was searching for an area that looked like the apocalypse had happened, most people had died and what had once been a city had become a decaying wasteland. They filmed in Hanley because it required very little set dressing to fit that description.

That's not a joke. The film is called "The Girl With All The Gifts". They could have used some of the people in Hanley as the zombies, but that would have been too realistic.

Aware of, but not seen it haha

subbytna · 28 Oct 2020 at 11:57

Was fishing earlier this year and no toilet anywhere. I had to go to the layby and balanced myself against a thorn bush. I've never see anything liek it what I left behind me, I still feel bad for leaving it there covered with leaves. Hopefully beetles etc will have got rid of it, that was as toxic as i've ever done in my life. Like lumpy tomato soup

TimTom · 28 Oct 2020 at 13:11

Not me, but a few years back one of my mum’s dustmen poohed himself in the street whilst on his round. He asked my mum if he could use the alleyway at the back of her house to try and clean himself up. She said he could come in and use her bathroom but he declined and just accepted a roll of toilet paper and some hand gel. He was only in his twenties but he was wearing white long johns which he disposed of in a plastic carrier bag, courtesy of my mum again!

dirtychinchilla · 28 Oct 2020 at 15:51

If any of my friends read this, please don't tell my other friends...

I **** myself at my work Christmas party last year. I've got Crohn's Disease and I'm lactose intolerant, so some foods are risky and the Crohn's has led to some anal operations. I'd told the organisers this and had my own special lactose free meal, but I think they might have made a mistake somewhere.

I was feeling fine for a while. I went outside for some air and pinched a cigarette from someone. A couple of puffs in, I felt my colon begin to warm. I thought it was a fart but it also felt a bit wrong, so I ditched the cigarette and went inside as quick as possible, clenching my arse cheeks. I was quite drunk so it's all a little fuzzy, but I think I made it part way up the stairs when I started to feel the warmth in my pants. I made it into a toilet and got my trousers down, but it was too late and my pants had poo on them as did my trousers. I did my best to clean it up, but I exited the cubicle almost in tears...I was quite horrified. I wasn't so worried about ******** myself, but more that this could be my future if the Crohn's gets worse.

I managed to get back into the party, grabbed my coat, and just left. I called my wife who drove at the speed of light to pick me up, and sent my suit to the dry cleaners. I don't believe anyone at work knows, and fortunately no one noticed.

I also had an incident when I was on my honeymoon in Japan in February last year. We had to go to the station in Tokyo to get a bullet train to Kyoto. I knew I needed a poo, but I thought it wasn't a big deal and I'd do it at the station. Once we got there, we found the toilets were closed, so I panicked a bit. We eventually found a Starbucks and I went to the toilets there, to find about 5 people queuing. I managed to get in eventually, but not before a tiny bit of poo slipped out. I was able to clean it up and I think I changed my boxers as well. Unfortunately my wife refers to the trackies I was wear as my **** trousers.

TimTom · 28 Oct 2020 at 15:57

dirtychinchilla said:
If any of my friends read this, please don't tell my other friends...

I **** myself at my work Christmas party last year. I've got Crohn's Disease and I'm lactose intolerant, so some foods are risky and the Crohn's has led to some anal operations. I'd told the organisers this and had my own special lactose free meal, but I think they might have made a mistake somewhere.

I was feeling fine for a while. I went outside for some air and pinched a cigarette from someone. A couple of puffs in, I felt my colon begin to warm. I thought it was a fart but it also felt a bit wrong, so I ditched the cigarette and went inside as quick as possible, clenching my arse cheeks. I was quite drunk so it's all a little fuzzy, but I think I made it part way up the stairs when I started to feel the warmth in my pants. I made it into a toilet and got my trousers down, but it was too late and my pants had poo on them as did my trousers. I did my best to clean it up, but I exited the cubicle almost in tears...I was quite horrified. I wasn't so worried about ******** myself, but more that this could be my future if the Crohn's gets worse.

I managed to get back into the party, grabbed my coat, and just left. I called my wife who drove at the speed of light to pick me up, and sent my suit to the dry cleaners. I don't believe anyone at work knows, and fortunately no one noticed.

I also had an incident when I was on my honeymoon in Japan in February last year. We had to go to the station in Tokyo to get a bullet train to Kyoto. I knew I needed a poo, but I thought it wasn't a big deal and I'd do it at the station. Once we got there, we found the toilets were closed, so I panicked a bit. We eventually found a Starbucks and I went to the toilets there, to find about 5 people queuing. I managed to get in eventually, but not before a tiny bit of poo slipped out. I was able to clean it up and I think I changed my boxers as well. Unfortunately my wife refers to the trackies I was wear as my **** trousers.

Some poo stories are funny ... and some aren’t.

Sorry mate.