Grief & Loss

[Richie]

The house work itself is a full time job.

Would hiring a cleaner/maid/whatever they are called help out albeit I realise affordability might be an issue.

It would be quite eye-opening how much time you would get back if someone was there to, at the very least, clean the house and do the washing/drying/ironing. I appreciate that, given you have 5 kids, it might be pricey as might need them 3 times a week (Mon/Wed/Fri) to keep on top of it all

It would certainly take a strain off physically and mentally.

 

[Wizzkidy]

You're doing amazingly well all things considered @Wizzkidy It's a shame your employer can't make some reasonable adjustments, i.e. full-time remote working or even just one day a week going in sounds like it would be a massive help, even if it was only temporary.

Now may not be the right time, but if it's going to lead to burnout, start looking elsewhere. As above, get all the support you can, you've paid a lot into the system.

It's burnout I'm worried about. I am lucky the sister in law is here quite a bit but she is also going through loss, she has lost her sister (even be it they didnt always see eye to eye) and she also has a daughter herself. I feel like the luckiest man alive that she is helping me otherwise I really would be in the right doo doo.

I don't feel in the right headspace to look for a new role at the moment and I doubt I'll get anything as good if I'm honest, I dunno maybe one day

Please don't do that to yourself. You can run 'what if' scenarios around your head for the rest of your life but all you'll be doing is beating yourself up over something that can't be changed.

You sound like an incredibly strong individual to be able to hold it all together not only for yourself but also for your children and extended family. It's a shame your employers aren't being more sympathetic to what's going on in your life but I hope it all irons out.

Honestly, I know it doesn't mean much coming from a faceless forum stranger but I admire the strength you're showing and I'm sure your wife would be extremely proud of how you are doing - as we all are

Take care and try to be kind to yourself

This is the thing, I do think about what if every single day. I can't help it! What if I wasn't downstairs making dinner, why wasn't I up there waiting with her, would that of make the difference? She asked me to look after the kids while she waited in bed, I made some bad decisions and I will never forgive myself. I also didn't see the signs she was having over the week or two prior, heartburn, lack of energy I should have known, I let her down big time. You say I am strong but I don't feel it. I feel like a complete failure to my partner for 20 years and wife for 12.

I think you've already shown how committed you are given the circumstances, and what you're asking for isn't much, they can easily measure your performance when WFH to see if it drops.

You need to consider how much longer you can work like this before you burn out, because from your post above it sounds like you're already close to the breaking point. You're potentially putting your own mental and physical health at risk with the stress and not having any real time to rest.

I would agree but "company policy" is 3 days a week in the office. So I will have to raise a flexible working request, but the whole thing makes me feel like they won't take it well, they will do it but then I look like an awkward worker.

Would hiring a cleaner/maid/whatever they are called help out albeit I realise affordability might be an issue.

It would be quite eye-opening how much time you would get back if someone was there to, at the very least, clean the house and do the washing/drying/ironing. I appreciate that, given you have 5 kids, it might be pricey as might need them 3 times a week (Mon/Wed/Fri) to keep on top of it all

It would certainly take a strain off physically and mentally.

I was considering a cleaner, currently me and the sister in law share the load, but it's even too much for both of us if I'm honest, it's probably hard to relate because unless you have actually had 5 children it's really hard to understand just how much mess they make within a few minutes. I will investigate this though, it may take some pressure off.

 

[M1k3H]

So sorry for your loss.

Appreciate the what if way of thinking, I do that far too much which isn't good for my mentality.

I keep tellling myself "it is what it is" or "c'est la vie" because it's extremely hard to try and control things outside of your control and it's just time wasted thinking about it. (again I say this, but it's hard to not do it, so don't feel bad if you aren't always achieving 100% of what you said you would, we are all human...)

Try and remind yourself of the things that make you smile, and like you said, you are honoring her memory, so try and honor her memory by not dragging yourself down. Wouldn't she want you to be happy?

 

[Junglist]

This is the thing, I do think about what if every single day. I can't help it! What if I wasn't downstairs making dinner, why wasn't I up there waiting with her, would that of make the difference? She asked me to look after the kids while she waited in bed, I made some bad decisions and I will never forgive myself. I also didn't see the signs she was having over the week or two prior, heartburn, lack of energy I should have known, I let her down big time. You say I am strong but I don't feel it. I feel like a complete failure to my partner for 20 years and wife for 12.

I know man, I know. It's really easy for me to sit here and tell you not to worry about something but when it's this big, what you're doing is totally normal.

You were presumably downstairs making dinner for your family. That's the theme I'm getting here. The one constant thing in this thread that is evident, other than how much you love your wife, is that you are always putting the needs of your family first.

You were asked to look after the kids and that is exactly what you did, you are doing and will continue to do. You haven't failed anyone and how were you to know it would come to this? You couldn't possibly know. Our brains and conscience can be our worst enemy at times. You will tell yourself you didn't do enough, you weren't good enough etc but the truth is so far from that it's unbelievable

You feel like a failure but to me you sound like a man that's held it together during what most be one of the most challenging times possible. You're not even considering your own wellbeing but everyone else's around you. No. You're not a failure. You're the complete opposite to that. I've known people to give up over things much, much more trivial yet you're still going.

Much love to you and yours.

 

[MrRockliffe]

@Wizzkidy Sounds like you and your family are going through hell.


I lost my grandfather a couple of years ago to a sudden heart attack, and I still remember the absolute shock at picking up the phone to hear about the news.


I’m not going to lie, even now it hurts, but I have learned to think more about all the good times than I do the bad. Time helps.



In your situation, though, I’d recommend professional help. As you’ve identified you’re holding a lot together, so make sure you look after yourself too

 

[iamtheoneneo]

This is the thing, I do think about what if every single day. I can't help it! What if I wasn't downstairs making dinner, why wasn't I up there waiting with her, would that of make the difference? She asked me to look after the kids while she waited in bed, I made some bad decisions and I will never forgive myself. I also didn't see the signs she was having over the week or two prior, heartburn, lack of energy I should have known, I let her down big time. You say I am strong but I don't feel it. I feel like a complete failure to my partner for 20 years and wife for 12.

This is grief guilt and is very common. The way you have typed it out is literally 100% how it plays out.
Its perfectly normal to feel like this but you must know that it is not healthy if left unchecked.

You have to gain control of it otherwise it will destroy you. That is the harsh reality unfortunately.
You have to forgive yourself, you didn't do anything wrong, life can be cruel and death can come for any of us at any time. You have to try your best to ground yourself in the reality of the situation no matter how hard it is, because your mind will absolutely wreck havoc if you don't get it in check. Seek counselling if you can.

 

[Richie]

I was considering a cleaner, currently me and the sister in law share the load, but it's even too much for both of us if I'm honest, it's probably hard to relate because unless you have actually had 5 children it's really hard to understand just how much mess they make within a few minutes. I will investigate this though, it may take some pressure off.

I certainly don't underestimate it and quite believe the mess that can be made with 5. I don't know how old they are but as time goes on, some responsibilities can be at least partly given to them.

That's not to say not to let them have a childhood but kids from around 10 should be able to at least clean up after themselves and do things like help at dinner time (setting the table, clearing the table, washing the dishes)

As I say, they can still have a childhood even with the above and, a probable side effect of it? They'll be streaks ahead of their peers in things like self responsibility, resilience and just general life skills as they grow up


Re:cleaner - see if you can get one that will do the laundry as well given how much effort that takes.