Have I saved enough money...

[Begbie]

Honestly though this has turned into a bit of 'my life is held back' thread.

Why not just go on holiday to NZ for a few weeks?

You have enough money. Your life won't change by disappearing forever, I done it. It really is just the same thing. No country is magical.

 

[Mysterae_]

Recognising someones pattern of behaviour over several years is not a daft reply. Seeking psychiatric help isn't a laughing matter

I agree, if I were in the same mindset as the OP I'd be seeking the advice of two people - a therapist and a financial advisor. One to help bring to the surface what is really causing these ponderings and the other to be honest about the financial options and possibilities. Then you can make honest and judged decisions that will affect yours and others lives.

I've been through something similar (different hobbies and outlook though) and came out the other side (sorta) fine .

Funnily enough I'm trying to justify selfishly spunking almost £50k on my dream garage/workshop but being held back by thoughts that I should keep it invested (and do what with it?!). The YOLO attitude is fine but it's not free of responsibilities and repercussions.

 

[adam cool dude]

Find a new hobby that will give you something different?

50k gives you plenty of options.

I have been learning to fly for the past 2 months and wish I had done it sooner. Outside of my kids my life is completely taken up by that at the moment. Hoping to get my PPL by summer.

 

[Threepwood]

phew, I thought this thread was about how to spend 50k on a PC for a moment!
I guess the question is, what do you want to do?
We cannot answer this question for you!
Nobody dies wishing they had done less..
you're 39, go see more of the world

 

[subbytna]

Thats not being controlling, thats just being sensible and understanding that a dog is almost as much of a commitment as kids in some ways. Has to be walked every day, probably twice. Vets bills, take on holiday with you or put into kennels. Needs feeding, watering etc every day so if you are away thats something to sort out.

Having a dog isn't something you do in a relationship unless both of you want it. You will always end up being on the hook for it in some capacity regardless of what the agreement was at the start.



You quite literally have to get a dog if you live in a van for any amount of time. I'm certain they just drop one off outside your van after you have been living in it for a month. Every bum with a van that travels in it has a dog.



You can't but you also won't have a nice time if you haven't got any money in your retirement/old age. £50k would be eaten up very quickly.

live "a little" not a hugespenditallinonego amount

 

[Jono8]

Part of it is my partner getting a dog. I love the dog. But he was meant to be her responsibility. I'd help out of course and I like dogs. But the main reason to not have kids was to not be tied down.

So she gets a dog.. Her health gets worse. I take over more and more dog responsibility. I end up loving the dog. Now he's my best friend. He's a bind. And I don't know how to proceed.

I absolutely want to do this. To just up and go spend a year in NZ. But I don't think it's possible with dog. I won't abandon him. But I'm kind of annoyed that exactly what I didn't want to happen has happened. Gf said I was right. We shouldn't have got him. But I'm not the controlling type. I wouldn't have said "no you can't".


So I'm here, knowing I can't give up my dog. Trying to think what's the best case now.

I lean to contracting, with months off in van. But is this even possible with a dog? I dunno. It would be hard.

The big picture isn't about the money really. It's about that I'm trapped by my own fault.

This is interesting (the dog, and not wanting kids thing).

I never wanted kids but always loved dogs. I found myself rather lost and thought getting a dog would be a good idea as I always thought I wanted one....it wasn't. I literally HATE owning a dog and did so from pretty much the start. it's one of the biggest regrets of my life. Weirdly it hasn't made me hate dogs. I still like dogs (not sure about mine, he's a bit weird even though he's a golden retriever) . I just simply hate owning one. It's tiresome and messy (especially in the winter/In the UK due to all the rain). He's always in the way, costs a lot of money and causes endless cleaning (to the point where I just don't care about being house proud anymore) ,for no descernable benefit. He's not even badly behaved either. Never been destructive and isn't that bad with seperation/being left etc.

However, I'd have got rid of him almost immediately, but my wife (who didn't want a dog as much as me) loves him and won't get rid of him. So to top it off the dog drives a constant wedge between me and my wife too...


I am however recently a new father, and so far I much prefer having a kid compared to a dog. Something I never thought would be the case. Life can surprise you.

That's the trouble with life, and listening to other people's advice (or maybe even your own head!). Everyone is so different, that you have to be extremely careful who and what you listen to. I've been influenced or encouraged into doing things by friends and family (mostly family) that have made my life loads worse. It's very easy to take the wrong path and listen to the wrong people (even if they are trying to help..).

 

[tangey]

I've heard both sides. All. Sides.
Those with kids who regret it.
Those without who regret it.
Those with who think it's the best thing.
Those without who are glad of it.

To be honest it doesn't really matter as in current situation kids would add to all the problems with the hope it would fix things. But when you want "freedom" that's the very opposite of what kids would bring. As I'm quite "logical" with big decision stuff I've always thought that kids go against my desires. And actual make my Issues worse.

And the stakes for getting it wrong aren't just on me. They are on kid too. I see the stress I have from my dog and know it'd be worse with kids. My close friend used to say I'd make a good parent until she got to know me more.

I take all of that at absolutely face value, and in fact agree with the bulk of it.

The final thing I'll say on kids, is that I very much wasn't a kids person. They were mostly an annoyance. if I saw one on a plane, my first thought was I hope that doesn't whine and gripe the whole time, same when one would come into an eatery etc. My perspective on them changed DRAMATCALLY, when my partner had a grandchild. I've seen this baby-girl in a whole new light, and seeing my partner's son go from a career focused "kids are like farts, you can just about tolerate your own" (exact quote of his from way back) R&D chemist, to such an unbelievably natural father, and watching him learn by groping in the dark at time, and him telling me all the stuff that I never knew or experienced. I have a totally new perspective on both kids and parents.

But I completely take your point that having a kid is a gamble, and rightly as you say, it is on the kid too if it doesn't work out. But it is a gamble that most of the world takes.

I feel like a hypocrite saying it, given my life decision-making !

It is genuinely amazing how a thread can wander off in a direction that is entirely unexpected, and at the same time not unrelated.

 

[Jono8]

It is genuinely amazing how a thread can wander off in a direction that is entirely unexpected, and at the same time not unrelated.

Well, it's a thinly veiled mid life crises/cry for help thread, so I don't think we've gone too far off on a tangent

 

[throwaway4372]

Hypothetically, what if you broke up with her and made her keep the dog?
It's a bit mean, but just for the sake of argument, is this what you really want to do?

 

[LuckyBenski]

Hypothetically, what if you broke up with her and made her keep the dog?
It's a bit mean, but just for the sake of argument, is this what you really want to do?

This is exactly what I spent a lot of years fretting over - should I leave my partner for my benefit? What if it was for both our benefit? She was (and is) quite dependent on me so it was a heavy load to bear. Being trapped in that decision/worry was really hard.

I think the ultimate reason I didn't leave was I didn't think she'd get by at that time, on her own. Maybe that was unfair of me, but we have pulled through into a place where all those practical issues come second to how we feel about each other. We're happier than we've ever been but we're well aware we went through some dark times.

 

[413x]

Find a new hobby that will give you something different?

50k gives you plenty of options.

I have been learning to fly for the past 2 months and wish I had done it sooner. Outside of my kids my life is completely taken up by that at the moment. Hoping to get my PPL by summer.

That is amazing. Can I ask how much it cost?

 

[dlockers]

Flying is a great shout. It's only an hour or two out of your day. 40 hours gets you fully certified with a bunch of exams etc. I gave up after 3 or 4 lessons because I couldn't prioritise it, but loved every minute I was doing it.

Edit: are you keeping this dog alive unnecessarily? Sorry to be blunt/heartless but it feels like a big source of your issues and if it's having a poor quality of life anyway...

 

[413x]

Hypothetically, what if you broke up with her and made her keep the dog?
It's a bit mean, but just for the sake of argument, is this what you really want to do?

She would not be physically or financially able to keep him. I don't know what would happen if neither of us wanted him. He is her responsibility at end of the day. But he would be better off with me. And I would take him.

Basically I love him. But he is so much hassle especially with his issues. And it drives my anxiety through the roof.

This is interesting (the dog, and not wanting kids thing).

I never wanted kids but always loved dogs. I found myself rather lost and thought getting a dog would be a good idea as I always thought I wanted one....it wasn't. I literally HATE owning a dog and did so from pretty much the start. it's one of the biggest regrets of my life. Weirdly it hasn't made me hate dogs. I still like dogs (not sure about mine, he's a bit weird even though he's a golden retriever) . I just simply hate owning one. It's tiresome and messy (especially in the winter/In the UK due to all the rain). He's always in the way, costs a lot of money and causes endless cleaning (to the point where I just don't care about being house proud anymore) ,for no descernable benefit. He's not even badly behaved either. Never been destructive and isn't that bad with seperation/being left etc.

However, I'd have got rid of him almost immediately, but my wife (who didn't want a dog as much as me) loves him and won't get rid of him. So to top it off the dog drives a constant wedge between me and my wife too...


I am however recently a new father, and so far I much prefer having a kid compared to a dog. Something I never thought would be the case. Life can surprise you.

That's the trouble with life, and listening to other people's advice (or maybe even your own head!). Everyone is so different, that you have to be extremely careful who and what you listen to. I've been influenced or encouraged into doing things by friends and family (mostly family) that have made my life loads worse. It's very easy to take the wrong path and listen to the wrong people (even if they are trying to help..).

I love the dog, he's been so good at times when I was bad. And we've done a lot. And although he's always been a bind.. With his health issues (much like my partners) it's hard to navigate. Take emotions out. And yes my life would be easier without. Absolutely. But you can't take emotions out.

 

[413x]

Flying is a great shout. It's only an hour or two out of your day. 40 hours gets you fully certified with a bunch of exams etc. I gave up after 3 or 4 lessons because I couldn't prioritise it, but loved every minute I was doing it.

Edit: are you keeping this dog alive unnecessarily? Sorry to be blunt/heartless but it feels like a big source of your issues and if it's having a poor quality of life anyway...

No. He's happy enough. He just has early onset hip dysplasia. He's getting the best care. And the money set aside is if he needs total hip replacement. Apparently it can be transformative.but it's apparently only done when needed.

Basically I've lost my hiking buddy.

 

[413x]

This is exactly what I spent a lot of years fretting over - should I leave my partner for my benefit? What if it was for both our benefit? She was (and is) quite dependent on me so it was a heavy load to bear. Being trapped in that decision/worry was really hard.

I think the ultimate reason I didn't leave was I didn't think she'd get by at that time, on her own. Maybe that was unfair of me, but we have pulled through into a place where all those practical issues come second to how we feel about each other. We're happier than we've ever been but we're well aware we went through some dark times.

We have definitely been through a similar journey!

 

[413x]

I take all of that at absolutely face value, and in fact agree with the bulk of it.

The final thing I'll say on kids, is that I very much wasn't a kids person. They were mostly an annoyance. if I saw one on a plane, my first thought was I hope that doesn't whine and gripe the whole time, same when one would come into an eatery etc. My perspective on them changed DRAMATCALLY, when my partner had a grandchild. I've seen this baby-girl in a whole new light, and seeing my partner's son go from a career focused "kids are like farts, you can just about tolerate your own" (exact quote of his from way back) R&D chemist, to such an unbelievably natural father, and watching him learn by groping in the dark at time, and him telling me all the stuff that I never knew or experienced. I have a totally new perspective on both kids and parents.

But I completely take your point that having a kid is a gamble, and rightly as you say, it is on the kid too if it doesn't work out. But it is a gamble that most of the world takes.

I feel like a hypocrite saying it, given my life decision-making !

It is genuinely amazing how a thread can wander off in a direction that is entirely unexpected, and at the same time not unrelated.

Its a big gamble to go wrong.
If take my dog. I love dogs. I love animals. But I know dogs are very dependant.

But I didn't want the dog really as I didn't want the anxiety over being responsible. I didn't want the difficulty of going away, all the things that come with being a pet owner.

I've grown up with animals I know the drill.

Little did I know my partner would be bad enough that I pick up the dog duties.
This was actually OK. He got me outdoors more. We both loved exploring new paths etc.
But then he also got his issues.
And that's when things have gotten difficult.

There's no way throwing a kid in the mix is a good thing. If anything the last few years have pushed me the other way.

What if we had a kid and it had medical problems. I'd be broken.

My sister and her partner struggle with the baby duties. He said "this is harder than I imagined".. Me.. I imagine it's hard. Then multiple that by 10.
If they are both fully able and they are struggling. There's no way I'd choose to add more stress and anxiety.

That's why I said if either of us did want kids we'd have to find someone else. As the issues we both have make it a bad choice.

 

[Jim99]

I haven't read all the posts since the OP @413x but it's not exactly an unusual problem. People are taught that saving is "good", but often without any rationale underpinning it.

There are a couple of ways to look at it. Option 1 - you've got a really solid buffer that would get you through a wide array of the problems life might throw at you (needing a new car, wanting to pay for a private op, etc), and you decide "that's enough", and you spend what's left over from here on out.

Option 2 - you set a fresh goal. Depending on how much you spend, this could be the start of an amount that carries you through an early(ier) retirement. I know someone who's been laid off at 60, and now scrambling because they can't afford to retire until they hit state pension age. If they could take out £10k per year for 8 years, they'd be fine, but they haven't got it.

Personally, I'm more inclined to try to wind down my work (in terms of stress and hours) as early as I can, so putting cash away and investing it is a key part of that. I doubt I'll ever spend all of it, but I've got a very clear plan as to what it'll be used for.

 

[413x]

I haven't read all the posts since the OP @413x but it's not exactly an unusual problem. People are taught that saving is "good", but often without any rationale underpinning it.

There are a couple of ways to look at it. Option 1 - you've got a really solid buffer that would get you through a wide array of the problems life might throw at you (needing a new car, wanting to pay for a private op, etc), and you decide "that's enough", and you spend what's left over from here on out.

Option 2 - you set a fresh goal. Depending on how much you spend, this could be the start of an amount that carries you through an early(ier) retirement. I know someone who's been laid off at 60, and now scrambling because they can't afford to retire until they hit state pension age. If they could take out £10k per year for 8 years, they'd be fine, but they haven't got it.

Personally, I'm more inclined to try to wind down my work (in terms of stress and hours) as early as I can, so putting cash away and investing it is a key part of that. I doubt I'll ever spend all of it, but I've got a very clear plan as to what it'll be used for.

Option 1 is what I want. Option 2 is what my cautious side tells me.

Losing family to diseases, just being aware of it has shaken me. And although option 1 was a nice dream. It's easier to follow the sensible option 2.

Now, more than ever I feel option 1 is better.

My Gfs dad, my parents and many other older people who are often well off but imprisoned by stuff or their own minds or (like my parents) something ridiculous and petty.. Doesn't appeal.

I then look at my Gfs aunt who have sold up and moved to Spain. They are having a great time. They broke away from the normal.


My mind is stubby cautious. It's served me well. But made my life boring. My mortgage is cheap and not expanded with earnings. I haven't got a finance car because I earn more.
I can save so much because my lifestyle is 10-20k less. So I'm not trapped by salary.. But my sensible brain says "you must not go down in salary, that's crazy".

This needs breaking I guess. I shall talk about this in my next counselling session

 

[jaybee]

Man. Some heavy **** in here eh?

ha, was thinking the same. Was expecting a quick read on finances and no popcorn required. This one needs a pot of tea and some time! *continues reading thread*

 

[Jim99]

people who are often well off but imprisoned by stuff or their own minds or (like my parents) something ridiculous and petty.. Doesn't appeal

I think a lot of people get trapped in this, precisely because they've never figured out what the purpose of the money is. My family are much the same.

My mind is stubby cautious. It's served me well. But made my life boring. My mortgage is cheap and not expanded with earnings. I haven't got a finance car because I earn more.
I can save so much because my lifestyle is 10-20k less. So I'm not trapped by salary.. But my sensible brain says "you must not go down in salary, that's crazy".

That's all completely fair, but also worth balancing a bit - sure, there are things you've not done to achieve this, but at the same time if you'd stretched yourself the entire time and been forced to keep upping your salary or taking on debt, the extra "fun" purchases probably wouldn't have improved your life. I actually think the bigger thing here might be your "must not go down in salary" perspective. If you're amassing cash, but can't get on board with the idea of ever reducing salary, you are 100% at risk of just stashing for the hell of it and eventually having some sort of mid-life crisis, not getting to do what you want etc.

But the counterpoint there isn't "spend loads of cash". Sure, there might be some things out there that you'd love to buy, and I'm sure a lot of people would encourage you to do it, but it's not necessarily going to suddenly make you happier. Certainly not if you were forcing yourself to spend £1k/m just to prove a point. Figuring out what actually makes you happy and how much that happiness is worth is a really tricky process.

This needs breaking I guess. I shall talk about this in my next counselling session

It is worth exploring, for sure. All of this stuff can sound a lot easier in theory than it is in practice.