Help with absenteism

Fuzz · 23 Nov 2009 at 20:54

Take away the TV, the mobile phone, the game console, swimming lessons, trips to the shops and ground her until she gives the info up.
There has to be something wrong.

BigglesPiP · 23 Nov 2009 at 20:54

moremoney said:
We have a friend with a child two years older, in the same school. What are the possibilities of him knowing or finding out for us, (my wife thinks not) but i don't see why not.

Zero.

If you can have a teacher carefully select a female pupil from her class/year, then they might be willing to confidentially give up some intel.

Need the right teacher to do this, because a lot of the teachers are likely to end up picking one of the bullies.

Syph · 23 Nov 2009 at 20:55

I know at our place that we will do anything to get them back into school... Even if it's away from all the other pupils working in a learning support environment. A lot have part-time timetables, established with support and the pupil. Often, we can ascertain where the problems lie then as patterns emerge.

You've got to try your best to support her as best you can - she'll never open up if you're scrapping to get her there.

Greenboi · 23 Nov 2009 at 20:55

moremoney said:
I have tried all of the above except taser her.

We have a friend with a child two years older, in the same school. What are the possibilities of him knowing or finding out for us, (my wife thinks not) but i don't see why not.

like others have said, i wouldnt try and find out from another child whats happened / going on.

Syph hit the nail in the head, you need to ring the school, and ask to speak to the EWO. This kind of thing is their job.

Lord-Jaffa · 23 Nov 2009 at 20:56

A friend of mines sister was like this, she just point blank refused to go to school from about the age of 12 onwards, screaming and punching her mum refusing to move etc.

Shes now 21 and lives in a coucil flat, has not worked a day in her life and put on about 5 stone.

I feel for you and hope your situation doesn't turn into something like the one above (never did find out what the cause was, guessing bullying though).

djohn · 23 Nov 2009 at 20:59

moremoney said:
I have tried all of the above except taser her.

We have a friend with a child two years older, in the same school. What are the possibilities of him knowing or finding out for us, (my wife thinks not) but i don't see why not.

I don't see a problem with that so long as your daughter is not aware to start with. I don't think anyone has mentioned the INTERNET? Is she using it more/less than a month back when this problem started?

It could well be something said in jest has leaked out, her school mates have found out and tormenting her on face book or similar. :confused:

Kenai · 23 Nov 2009 at 21:00

Syph said:
You've got to try your best to support her as best you can - she'll never open up if you're scrapping to get her there.

I think this is key.

You need to approach it positively so she feels you are on her side, you're looking out for her etc.

Constant 'You WILL go to school!' and trying to physically force her is just going to make her think you don't give a flying **** about her.

moremoney · 23 Nov 2009 at 21:01

We are so sad because we have tried it all, no tv, mobile, computer, etc, and rather than go to school, she seems to be happy to be lockeed in her room all day, every day, with now't to do.

Bed at 9 up at 7,30 fight to get to school, no luck, shut in room until 7,30 next morning rinse repeat. :confused:

PR. · 23 Nov 2009 at 21:02

I was stronger than most of the people that bullied me, but a) it wasn't in my nature to attack and b) once you are outnumbered it really doesn't matter anyway.

I don't have any kids so I can only suggest what my parents did to me. Just keep pestering her sit in her room asking her questions, the same questions over and over and over, eventually she will be sick of your voice and will either crack and yell it out or weaken at certain questions at which point you can press further.

"Is someone at school bullying you?" "Is it a boy?" "Is it a teacher?" "Is it someone coming in to the school?" "Is it something you're feeling?" "Is someone hurting you?" "Would changing schools make you want to go to school?" she'll probably say no to all of them. You can then ask "So what is it?" "This isn't you" she won't answer then be silent, then go through your questions again saying "So it's not that you're being bullied... and not that someone is hurting you... etc"

I wouldn't embarrass her in front of the school by dragging her in, that will only make it worse for you and her. I take it you've pointed out that you can/will go to jail for her not going to school?

Gerard · 23 Nov 2009 at 21:02

Chokeslam!

moremoney · 23 Nov 2009 at 21:02

Lord-Jaffa said:
A friend of mines sister was like this, she just point blank refused to go to school from about the age of 12 onwards, screaming and punching her mum refusing to move etc.

Shes now 21 and lives in a coucil flat, has not worked a day in her life and put on about 5 stone.

I feel for you and hope your situation doesn't turn into something like the one above (never did find out what the cause was, guessing bullying though).

OH NO god forbid that happens to my angel.

Kenai · 23 Nov 2009 at 21:03

Well there is clearly something severely wrong going on at school if she would rather sit locked in an empty room day after day after day. Fighting with her just makes you the enemy, you'll never ever get anywhere by trying to batter her into submission.

Gamer_T · 23 Nov 2009 at 21:06

How are her confidence levels in general...?

PR. · 23 Nov 2009 at 21:08

moremoney said:
We are so sad because we have tried it all, no tv, mobile, computer, etc, and rather than go to school, she seems to be happy to be lockeed in her room all day, every day, with now't to do.

Bed at 9 up at 7,30 fight to get to school, no luck, shut in room until 7,30 next morning rinse repeat.

Won't work give you a week or two off to deal with it. Someone at our work had a month off to deal with their daughters eating disorder. Sit in her room with her, ask questions. Don't let her have a moment to herself.

Someone above said threaten putting her in care. I wouldn't recommend that. My mum did that to me for much less, and it still hurts that she would threaten that on me so casually.

fornowagain · 23 Nov 2009 at 21:08

Consider 'School Phobia' aka 'School Refusal', could be lots of reasons. Not just bullying, the longer it goes on the worse it'll get. Get the GP involved, maybe a referral to some CAMHS counselling. Should also help with the Social Workers when they stick their nose in, if it comes to that.

Kenai · 23 Nov 2009 at 21:13

PR. said:
Someone above said threaten putting her in care.

I don't think anyone suggested that? :confused:

He originally mentioned something about social services would remove the child from him if she doesn't go to school. If that is the case, it's probably a good idea to tell her that these consequences are real and there is nothing her parents could do to stop it.

I don't know offhand if that is true or not, I remember seeing something a year or so ago about parental responsiblity for truancy in the news but not sure what came of it.

Lord-Jaffa · 23 Nov 2009 at 21:17

Maybe look into home schooling for the time being? Could just be a phase.

PR. · 23 Nov 2009 at 21:18

Kenai said:
I don't think anyone suggested that?

He originally mentioned something about social services would remove the child from him if she doesn't go to school. If that is the case, it's probably a good idea to tell her that these consequences are real and there is nothing her parents could do to stop it.

I don't know offhand if that is true or not, I remember seeing something a year or so ago about parental responsiblity for truancy in the news but not sure what came of it.

Nzyme said:
Have you told her that she WILL be taken into care, that you WILL be fined, and you WILL go to jail.

Shock can be a very good weapon.

It is possible that parents can be held responsible for their kids truancy I don't think it's a simple three strikes and you're out. It's more when the parent isn't making an effort to get their child to go back to school. I'm sure social services would be involved by that point, and would make a judgement based on the circumstances

moremoney · 23 Nov 2009 at 21:21

Facts: We can and will be fined no matter how hard we try to get her into school.

She can, and will be, as a last resort taken into care.

I have just told her to lie down and go to sleep, she begged me not to shut the door but because of this, i did shut the door.
As a means of punishing her.
It makes me feel like crying.

But i don't know what else to do. i know she has no intention of going to school tommorrow

Energize · 23 Nov 2009 at 21:21

Anxiety problems like social anxiety disorder and agoraphobia can cause this.