It's Sort Your Problems Out Time Again....

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Dr Uncle Von,

Countless people seem to be incapable of reading my handle correctly, so much so i'm contemplating stealing a banhammer and going on a psychotic rampage of doom, before destroying all life in a blaze of cyber glory.

How can we avert this terrible disaster?
 
Dear Uncle Von
I am having a couple of problems,
Firstly, my brother has only been back from a weekend away and is already annoying me, I made a nice roast dinner for him, me and my mum, I said that he could help himself to a little bit more chicken, I come back, and he's had nearly the rest of it when I wanted some to make a chicken sandwhich tommorow, I know it seem's small but he's always thinking about himself.
Secondly my girlfriend always criticises me on my hair and what I wear, she always tell's me that I should spike up my hair but atm it is getting longish and can't and it seems every time I go round her's she always says the same thing and I say I can't because it is too long, so I try spiking it up as best I can and she still critises me and does it even more when I say I am going to get it cut.
 
Von Smallhausen said:
Aliboy, roll out the Scottish red carpet next weekend..... Von Smallhausen is going to Edinburgh on a stag do.
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I say old chap, that is absolutly wonderful. Would one care to meet up for a little drinky poo with your chums to celebrate a man's life ending? If you don't have anyone to show you the ropes in this fine city then I'm your man. I know a few strip joints, B&B's or if there's not that many of you coming over I could possibly arrange some 'overnight sofa' accomodation.

Ching ching old bean :D :D
 
Otacon said:
Dr Uncle Von,

Countless people seem to be incapable of reading my handle correctly, so much so i'm contemplating stealing a banhammer and going on a psychotic rampage of doom, before destroying all life in a blaze of cyber glory.

How can we avert this terrible disaster?
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I know how you feel Cotaon, and sympathise with your plight, however you must channel your rage in the right places. If you see anybody wearing Burberry or any type of charver wear, then you must take the banhammer and go forth and knack.

Don't feel you have to withold, go forward my friend and go like stink.

I hope that this helps Otoocan. if it's any help, if you get 100 psychotic rampages then you get an honorary Don award. Go on.... kill.

Hope this helps Ooteecin.
 
Hellomoto said:
Dear Von

I don't know what to do with my life and I can't seen to enjoy myself anymore...
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Are you a complete buffoon ? Try drinking like a fish and getting to know some dirty girls. If you spent less time on the forums and more time at the clap clinic, then you would not be asking such questions.

Go forth and wee razor blades my friend.
 
Ace Modder said:
Dear Uncle Von.

I have a problem whereby, I have watched this video and its was black and white and a woman is brushoing her hair. Then str8 after watching it, I received a call saying that I was going to die in 7 days.

What can I do??? And before you say, I have already been to the light house
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The light house ? What has that got do do with the price of bacon, petrol and cheesy poofs ?

If you have seven days to live then I suggest you drink as much beer, eat as much curry and ensconce with as many birds as possible. I don't know the woman with black hair brushing her hair, but I can only say that she is a cow for ruining your life mate.

Eat, drink, curry, hump and be merry my friend. If you manage to survive until the Newcastle meet then you can tell me all about it. If you don't survive then can I have your TV, Hi-Fi, DVD player and car ?

It's nothing personal you understand.
 
Von Smallhausen said:
... think of Clare Short MP having a poo.
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I'm cured!!! \o/
Please allow me to e-mail you the dle - the part of the poodle that the lissom Ms Short isn't having - as a token of my appreciation, O font of ineffable wisdom.

Edit: Just rated this thread 5*s
 
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suicidle_tramp said:
Dear Uncle Von
I am having a couple of problems,
Firstly, my brother has only been back from a weekend away and is already annoying me, I made a nice roast dinner for him, me and my mum, I said that he could help himself to a little bit more chicken, I come back, and he's had nearly the rest of it when I wanted some to make a chicken sandwhich tommorow, I know it seem's small but he's always thinking about himself.
Secondly my girlfriend always criticises me on my hair and what I wear, she always tell's me that I should spike up my hair but atm it is getting longish and can't and it seems every time I go round her's she always says the same thing and I say I can't because it is too long, so I try spiking it up as best I can and she still critises me and does it even more when I say I am going to get it cut.
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What a greedy b****** your brother is. I am disgusted at his gluttony and I think he should have good, long hard look at himself. As for you wanting a chicken sandwhich ? You greedy boy. I think you should take the considerations and needs of your brother into account before jumping to conclusions.

However, if your brother annoys you then you could always wee in his tea. As for your hair, dry your eyes and get a life. If your girlfriend criticises your hair, then critisise hers back, the selfish cow.

There are plenty more chickens in the coop, although I'm sure she is a nice lass really. ( Disclamer.... :D )
 
clogiccraigm said:
I can't stop being nice and pandering to others for attentiont. Help me Von Smallhausen! Deal with mine next!
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Nice guys get nowt matey peep. You must learn to be an absolute git and treat people like poo. If you do not do this then you will be one of life's doormats for and until kingdom come.

Treat 'em mean and keep 'em keen.

Also, get a life you attention seeker......
 
Aliboy said:
I say old chap, that is absolutly wonderful. Would one care to meet up for a little drinky poo with your chums to celebrate a man's life ending? If you don't have anyone to show you the ropes in this fine city then I'm your man. I know a few strip joints, B&B's or if there's not that many of you coming over I could possibly arrange some 'overnight sofa' accomodation.

Ching ching old bean :D :D
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I would certainly meet up for a drinky poo. I don't really know the city and don't know where we are starting off, but if you fancy a brandy and some cigars, then e-mail me on [email protected] and I'm sure that something could be arranged. We could talk about ladies, strip clubs, petrol prices or stocks and shares.

Och Aye the noo ye wee scunner.
 
^^

Reading your post TDS, I can only assume that Micheal Howard has as much chance of getting your vote as George W Bush has of playing beach volleyball with Osama Bin Laden, followed by cucumber sandwich's and cigars in the gentlemans club.

In other words...... no.
 
Von Smallhausen said:
^^

Reading your post TDS, I can only assume that Micheal Howard has as much chance of getting your vote as George W Bush has of playing beach volleyball with Osama Bin Laden, followed by cucumber sandwich's and cigars in the gentlemans club.

In other words...... no.
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far from it.
i believe there IS a time when being blue will be benficial to me.

namely when i'm no longer drawing breath :D
 
Dear Uncle Von? (May I call you Mr V like the Fonz would?)

Why can't I just get my rear in gear and do this simple piece of coursework that's due in tomorrow morning?

EDIT: Bah, ah well. My question goes unanswered.
 
Weebull said:
Dear Uncle Von? (May I call you Mr V like the Fonz would?)

Why can't I just get my rear in gear and do this simple piece of coursework that's due in tomorrow morning?

EDIT: Bah, ah well. My question goes unanswered.
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Because you are a student and students have a tiny flaw in their persona.... that being they don't like work and prefer standing outside of McDonalds saying ' Meat Is Murder ', before getting bored and popping inside for a Big Mac. ;) :D
 
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