It's Sort Your Problems Out Time Again....

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Dear Darth Von

I have been evicted from under-the-stairs and miss my fish heads for breakfast...

There is always a lot of demand in the sweatshop business, and your new shoes are almost ready, i promise, made of human skin just as you asked, but I can't afford decent accomondation.

I was looking for a 2 bedroom flat, then a studio, then a one bedroom and now I find that even a single room is too expensive. The only thing that seems to be within my price range is an elephant's anus, but I am not sure whether there would be enough room for my computer and if the elephant moves my address will change...

Yours in dilemma

CBS
 
Grouch said:
On our Win2003 Server i keep getting the following error under Event Viewer - Application: -

Error: Script Engine Exception. A ScriptEngine threw exception 'C0000005' in 'IScriptDispatchEx::Release()' from 'CScriptingNamespace::UnInit()'..

This seems to be linked with an intermittent error we get when using the CDO.Message object. At the same time the SMTP Connector service is crashing and restarting.

Oh and er i'm in love with my dog.
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If you spent less time with the dog and more time learning about PC,s, then you would not be in such a sticky.

The above translates roughly to, hit the PC with a hammer and see if that works. If it doesn't, the there is always the x-box or the Vic 20 with 16k expansion pack to fall back on.

Ask the dog if he or she can fix it.
 
cleanbluesky said:
Dear Darth Von

I have been evicted from under-the-stairs and miss my fish heads for breakfast...

There is always a lot of demand in the sweatshop business, and your new shoes are almost ready, i promise, made of human skin just as you asked, but I can't afford decent accomondation.

I was looking for a 2 bedroom flat, then a studio, then a one bedroom and now I find that even a single room is too expensive. The only thing that seems to be within my price range is an elephant's anus, but I am not sure whether there would be enough room for my computer and if the elephant moves my address will change...

Yours in dilemma

CBS
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No problem CBS, I have been living inside a Blue Whale for a while now and I have found it to be quite pleasant, although it is a little damp at times. Still, I have all the utilities such as electricity, gas and broadband, and a satellite phone, not to mention my George Foreman grille.

I would say that living in an elephants bum would be fine, as long as the gas fitter has done some safety checks there as a gas leak cold be problematic. I would say that you would have room for a laptop in there and a small Stella fridge, leaving room for a camp bed.

As for the address change, don't worry to much. The local council will still find you and slam you with a council tax bill.

I find your lack of faith amusing.

Darth Von
 
Dear Uncie Von Smallywally.

I have been waiting forever for my new job, in the mean time i have been working in a horrible demeaning and boring job, the pressure has finaly got too much and the wait has been so long that i have given up all hope.

I have decided to commit suicide, i made a large cross and nailed both my feet and my left hand to it in the correct manner as illustrated in the "Obscure Suicide" volume of the "DIY for Lunatics" series of books.
Unfortunately the next page is missing and i am having real trouble hammering in the last nail.
I'm losing blood fast so please reply while i still have the strength to finish the task in hand, if this suicide attempt goes wrong and i die of blood loss rather than crucifixion i dont think i'll be able to take another faliure and am worried that i'll end up doing something crazy!!!
 
Dear Uncle Von

the maps that i am creating are mis-aligned by 1/1000th of a centimetre, yet the spatial reference remains identical.

Please help and save me from getting sacked for being a useless git.

chimaera
 
Dear Vonster,

Having solved all my problems, my problem is that I have no-more problems. As I said before my only form of social communication is this column and now that I am care-free I feel that I am wasting your time with my problematic lack of problems

CBS
 
Treefrog said:
Cher von Petitemaison,

I sometimes have an irresistable urge to address people in French, and bump threads. Does this mean that the pixies will get me?

-Treefrog (the Hornless)
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Bonjour mes amis ....... Ca'va ?

Nah, the pixie's are nice little things. They dispense free beer and keep me in Nik Naks.

It's the Goblins you want to be frightened of. They will pull your hair while you are asleep, call everyone a numpty. They also give you razor sharp wedgies............. :eek: It's like wearing a cheesewire G-string so I'm told. Mmmmmm cheesewire G-string.

As for bumping threads, why not ? I do and get no complaints, apart from dons, underbosses, commissario's and, wise guys ........... et al. ( French )
 
Chris [BEANS] said:
Dear Uncie Von Smallywally.

I have been waiting forever for my new job, in the mean time i have been working in a horrible demeaning and boring job, the pressure has finaly got too much and the wait has been so long that i have given up all hope.

I have decided to commit suicide, i made a large cross and nailed both my feet and my left hand to it in the correct manner as illustrated in the "Obscure Suicide" volume of the "DIY for Lunatics" series of books.
Unfortunately the next page is missing and i am having real trouble hammering in the last nail.
I'm losing blood fast so please reply while i still have the strength to finish the task in hand, if this suicide attempt goes wrong and i die of blood loss rather than crucifixion i dont think i'll be able to take another faliure and am worried that i'll end up doing something crazy!!!
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You wonder if you will end up doing something crazy ? It seems you have. You used the obscure guide to suicide when you should have gotten The Complete Guide To Suicide by I.J Umpoffcliffs. The final page of this masterpiece is there for all to see. What you need to do now is be force fed Lyons Golden Syrup so as to make the bleeding slow down. Any holes can then be plugged with used chewing gum or tab butts.

Why do this act though ? You could always pull the nails out and save yourself for the ultimate act of craziness in joining the Metropolitan Police, ;)
 
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Dear uncy von,

I am having cravings for pork scratchings, I eat them sometimes and end up feeling like ****, does this mean I am turning into a pig? I sometimes feel like I am sprouting a little tail.
Also, I sometimes fear that part of piggymon might be in the packet.
 
Sod it.

Weak from bloodloss i read your advise wrong and tried to plug the holes with golden syrup whilst the Mrs force fed me gum.
A very sticky situation indeed but i think you will agree considerably better than my previous choice of action.

Thanks for your wisdom Guru Smallhousen
 
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chimaera_5 said:
Dear Uncle Von

the maps that i am creating are mis-aligned by 1/1000th of a centimetre, yet the spatial reference remains identical.

Please help and save me from getting sacked for being a useless git.

chimaera
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No problem mate. Just make sure that a free porn mag is placed in with all of the maps that are sent out. What would you rather look at.... gridlines or girdles ? I would rather look at the ' hills ' you play with rather than the ones you climb. The maps will then be used to clean up, thus no one will read them.

As for getting the sack ? Just tell your boss that you know he is knocking off the cleaner and you will tell his missus if he gives you the Spanish Archer.....
El Bow. ;)

Jobs a good 'un.
 
suicidle_tramp said:
Dear uncy von,

I am having cravings for pork scratchings, I eat them sometimes and end up feeling like ****, does this mean I am turning into a pig? I sometimes feel like I am sprouting a little tail.
Also, I sometimes fear that part of piggymon might be in the packet.
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Hmmm. Feel like **** or eat and play in **** ? If it is the latter and you find your tail doing the twist then you may indeed be turning into one of our little pink friends.

Stay clear of Foot and Mouth, butchers and bacon sandwhich lovers and you may yet enjoy a fruitful life.

As for Piggymon being in the packet ? Take care and please don't eat her. I would say that a pork scratchings packet would roughly equate in size to a tent for her so there may be substance in what you say.
 
cleanbluesky said:
Dear Vonster,

Having solved all my problems, my problem is that I have no-more problems. As I said before my only form of social communication is this column and now that I am care-free I feel that I am wasting your time with my problematic lack of problems

CBS
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I am so pleased that I have shown you the path of ritchous.... rytcus....richussn....goodness and that your problems are no more. Nothing gives me more pleasure than to discover this, except Liz Hurley covered in maple syrup shouting VON VON VON ........

stay unproblematic.

VS
 
cleanbluesky said:
Uncle Von have ye abandoned us?

Must I scrap the plans for temples in yir honour sai?
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I would never abandon you my gracious young Pado Wan. Feel free to build a temple in my honour. Can I suggest an edible one made of Nik Naks and a toilet that flushes with Stella ?

To top it off, a marble or bronze statue of me embraced with the lucious Liz Hurley. Get building......

Engelbert Von Smallhausen
 
Chris [BEANS] said:
Sod it.

Weak from bloodloss i read your advise wrong and tried to plug the holes with golden syrup whilst the Mrs force fed me gum.
A very sticky situation indeed but i think you will agree considerably better than my previous choice of action.

Thanks for your wisdom Guru Smallhousen
Click to expand...

You are more than welcome my child.... and thanks for the bump. :)

PS. Got a start date yet ?
 
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