It's Sort Your Problems Out Time Again....

Von Smallhausen · 11 Apr 2005 at 20:44

Well thank you manveruppd. I like that name, it is indeed unique, is it Welsh by any chance ?

Fear not my friend, for I have posted these problem forums before. There are always problems to iron out and I am most happy when I am doing so.

As for smelly feet, that is indeed unfortunate. Have you tried placing used tea bags in your socks ? No ? Then perhaps that is where you go wrong. Clean feet are but cold and clammy discomfort away.

I am rather skint at the moment, so I will consider selling you mine until pay day on Friday. I will have to buy it back though as I will need it. Without life, I cannot post these acts of artistic literature.. I could always start charging for the advice I dish out. Hmmmmm.

As for being lazy, carry on my good manveruppd. As my profile reads, I am the Secretary of State for Sloth. Perhaps you could come and work for me in the Ministry of Sloth ? I am sure there is a spare leather recliner and a chez longues for you to kip in.

What should you do ? Don't work. All of the answers to life's problems are on these great forums. Blink, work and you may miss them.

I see you are from Leeds. The one-way system is a little cheeky I find.

Skully · 11 Apr 2005 at 21:36

Dear Uncle Von,

I seem to have problems in the bedroom, help!

Love from

Skully.

xxx

Chris [BEANS] · 11 Apr 2005 at 22:02

Deleted as its a self pittying moan, please ignore

Garp · 11 Apr 2005 at 22:20

Skully said:
Dear Uncle Von,

I seem to have problems in the bedroom, help!

Love from

Skully.

xxx

I'm not Uncle Von but I can add my own tuppence here.

Frankly, the bedroom is just another room in the house. As such its her responsibility to ensure that it is cleaned, tidied and generally presentable. Its okay to admit you're having problems keeping the room tidy, its not your job. Men are no more designed to tidy rooms than they are designed to have babies. Its a biological fact.

cleanbluesky · 11 Apr 2005 at 22:27

Dear Uncle Von

As I type I am hiding behind a dustbin, covered in dogs poo (in case I get caught, to surprise my attacker) in the back garden of a girl I fancy. All this information I could perhaps pass off as reasonable but the girl is 14! Jail bait. Tar and feathers. If I got my way with her I am not sure it would be illegal, I just want to admire the shape of her skull - but it's always the same, the girls start screaming and all of a sudden you are accused of doing something you haven't.
What's worse is the only form of social communication I can understand in this state is THIS THREAD. Please Von, I need you more than ever... more than the time I was caught with the sheep, more than the time you saved my family from the Gorilla using only chopstix...

CBS

manveruppd · 11 Apr 2005 at 23:28

Dear Uncle Von,

Von Smallhausen said:
Well thank you manveruppd. I like that name, it is indeed unique, is it Welsh by any chance ?

Close enough, it's Quenya actually

But you're the second person in my 5 years in this country to take me for a Welshman, so don't feel too bad!

Thanks for your offer to sell me your life btw, but I'd rather get a new one as I'd like to have the 12 months warranty (especially since I don't bother keeping fit).
I would, however, gladly buy any used teabags you might have if it'll really help me with my smelly feet. Tea makes me gag and break out in a pink and purple rash (hence I Kill For Coffee

), so I think it'd be a massive waste to buy brand new teabags since I only need them used. I understand you might be apprehensive about parting with them, even after they've been used, but, if you want, I can always sell them back to you after I'm done with them. Might actually improve the taste in fact!

As for being lazy, carry on my good manveruppd. As my profile reads, I am the Secretary of State for Sloth. Perhaps you could come and work for me in the Ministry of Sloth ? I am sure there is a spare leather recliner and a chez longues for you to kip in.

I think I'm gonna cry for joy!

Von Smallhausen · 12 Apr 2005 at 07:23

cleanbluesky said:
Dear Uncle Von

As I type I am hiding behind a dustbin, covered in dogs poo (in case I get caught, to surprise my attacker) in the back garden of a girl I fancy. All this information I could perhaps pass off as reasonable but the girl is 14! Jail bait. Tar and feathers. If I got my way with her I am not sure it would be illegal, I just want to admire the shape of her skull - but it's always the same, the girls start screaming and all of a sudden you are accused of doing something you haven't.
What's worse is the only form of social communication I can understand in this state is THIS THREAD. Please Von, I need you more than ever... more than the time I was caught with the sheep, more than the time you saved my family from the Gorilla using only chopstix...

CBS

I am shocked, truly shocked. 14? The only redemption for you now is to drink lots of bromide flavoured tea to quell such thoughts and take to the icy seas to purge yourself. For such thoughts, can I suggest a busy shipping lane ?

Tar and Feathers ? Is that a local pub you frequent ? It sounds like a rough hoose.

If my social communication is getting through to you then can I suggest you take up voluntary work or become a monk, or if you are a lady, a monkette. You will then find guidance in your life which will tell you that cat poo is far more effective at deterring attackers.

Von Smallhausen · 12 Apr 2005 at 07:27

Skully said:
Dear Uncle Von,

I seem to have problems in the bedroom, help!

Love from

Skully.

xxx

That is because, apart from Garp's observations, you are playing with the wrong type of weapon mate. Think less H&K G36 and more knockers and things will slot into place matey.

Purple_Angel · 12 Apr 2005 at 10:26

Dear Dr,

Got any cures for a broken heart when you've lost the love of your life?

No, didn't think so.

xx

lukechad · 12 Apr 2005 at 10:29

Dear Uncle Von,

I dropped AS maths 4 weeks ago and still havent told my parents, what shal I do? Its parents evening in less than 2 weeks and I dont want them to find out then

Garp · 12 Apr 2005 at 13:18

lukechad said:
Dear Uncle Von,

I dropped AS maths 4 weeks ago and still havent told my parents, what shal I do? Its parents evening in less than 2 weeks and I dont want them to find out then

Divorce them. Quick, relatively painless, and if you're lucky you can get a council house provided for you to live in.

Von Smallhausen · 12 Apr 2005 at 13:28

Purple_Angel said:
Dear Dr,

Got any cures for a broken heart when you've lost the love of your life?

No, didn't think so.

xx

For the first time, I will post a serious reply on this. Yes there is a cure, it is called time and good friends. Both will help you and Roberta is quite right in that every day, it gets a little better. I was in the same boat last October and, as I have posted before, I lost my father 7 days after the split and it feels like your world vanishes around and beneath you. I put no frilly edges on it or seek to embellish the fact that it bloody hurts.

If it is meant to be with this guy, then it will be. If he is worth fighting for, then fight for him. If there is no hope of a reconciliation, then you should try not to use the rear view mirrors we are all fitted with and look forward.

Time heals, albeit slowly.

Von

Von Smallhausen · 12 Apr 2005 at 13:32

lukechad said:
Dear Uncle Von,

I dropped AS maths 4 weeks ago and still havent told my parents, what shal I do? Its parents evening in less than 2 weeks and I dont want them to find out then

Hmmm, got any dirt on the teacher ? If so, then fling it.

You could, after packing your bags in preparation of getting your coat, tell them what has happened.

Can I suggest some charitable act or donation in the meantime to impress them. An example could be buying me a new PC as my power supply has gone pop, taking bits and bobs with it.

I would sing your praises for doing this

Burnsy2023 · 12 Apr 2005 at 13:35

Von Smallhausen said:
For the first time, I will post a serious reply on this.
Von

OMG whats happened to Von Smallhausen???

What happened to the real solution involving 50KG of peanut butter and a noose??

What is the world coming to??? :eek:

Burnsy

Von Smallhausen · 12 Apr 2005 at 13:52

^^

Heh heh, nice. Am I not allowed the one deviation ?

And it is 65 kilo's of peanut butter and a MOOSE you buffoon......

Alasdair · 12 Apr 2005 at 14:35

Dear Uncle Von,

I am stuck in a job I don't like, with no chance of getting anything better paying what I'm on just now.

What should I do?

Al

manveruppd · 12 Apr 2005 at 14:50

Von Smallhausen said:
For the first time, I will post a serious reply on this.

Oh well, off to take the soggy teabags out of my shoes...

I had to DRINK that awful stuff you know!

Von Smallhausen · 12 Apr 2005 at 15:05

Alasdair said:
Dear Uncle Von,

I am stuck in a job I don't like, with no chance of getting anything better paying what I'm on just now.

What should I do?

Al

Become a pimp. After an initial outlay for outrageous suits, shoes, hats and a nice tasteless pimpstick, you will find that the money rolls in. Don't forget me when you are rich. I'd rather like an Aston Martin Vanquish if you are feeling flush.

Have you considered joining the circus as well ? I hear being a trapeze artist or mucking out the elephants pays well.

Grouch · 12 Apr 2005 at 15:15

On our Win2003 Server i keep getting the following error under Event Viewer - Application: -

Error: Script Engine Exception. A ScriptEngine threw exception 'C0000005' in 'IScriptDispatchEx::Release()' from 'CScriptingNamespace::UnInit()'..

This seems to be linked with an intermittent error we get when using the CDO.Message object. At the same time the SMTP Connector service is crashing and restarting.

Oh and er i'm in love with my dog.

Alasdair · 12 Apr 2005 at 15:29

Von Smallhausen said:
Become a pimp. After an initial outlay for outrageous suits, shoes, hats and a nice tasteless pimpstick, you will find that the money rolls in. Don't forget me when you are rich. I'd rather like an Aston Martin Vanquish if you are feeling flush.

Have you considered joining the circus as well ? I hear being a trapeze artist or mucking out the elephants pays well.

I did experience a penchant for Panama hats and cravats, maybe I should go the whole hog and become a gentleman pimp (i.e. a pimp who is a gent, as opposed to a pimp of gents). I see a new career beckoning.