It's Sort Your Problems Out Time Again....

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cleanbluesky said:
Dear Von Blondie

My boyfriend is cheating on me and I am not even gay! Please help

CBS
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The solution is simple. Get him drunk to the point of unconciousness, then rub his todger with sandpaper before pouring salt on it. He may be inclined not to cheat on you after that.

Clearly he will be ' out of action ' for a while and I am sure you will have needs in the interim, so feel free to have a fling.

Von Smallhausen is Zak Dingle at the moment, and he may entertain you. Give us 5 minutes pet to dust off me leather sheets and duvet.
 
Dear Uncle Von,

For the past few months I have been talking to a girl called Amanda is the States on MSN and we got very close.

When I eventually agreed to meet Amanda, it turned out she was really a 23 stone Glaswegian docker called Malcolm, but he claims his feelings for me were not a lie and he is willing to undergo gender realignment to be with me.

The photographs he'd sent me were pinched off a pr0n site, so I was actualy looking a pics of an east european glamour model called Helga.

What should I do? I still love him/her, but all my mates are expecting me to turn up with a model, not some ginger haired man mountain. I don't want them to think I bat for the other side....
 
Sheesh.. Nearly sprayed the monitor with my mouthful of coke. You just make it sound so plausible! [Edit :Re reply to Feek on first page :D]

Well, my house is lovely except for the bathroom which has wall, a floor with holes in it and a toilet. PLEASE HELP ME!!!
 
UncleBob said:
Dear Uncle Von,

For the past few months I have been talking to a girl called Amanda is the States on MSN and we got very close.

When I eventually agreed to meet Amanda, it turned out she was really a 23 stone Glaswegian docker called Malcolm, but he claims his feelings for me were not a lie and he is willing to undergo gender realignment to be with me.

The photographs he'd sent me were pinched off a pr0n site, so I was actualy looking a pics of an east european glamour model called Helga.

What should I do? I still love him/her, but all my mates are expecting me to turn up with a model, not some ginger haired man mountain. I don't want them to think I bat for the other side....
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Hmm, a quandry indeed. Love is a mysterious thing though and you should be proud to show Malcolm, Mandy or whatever he or she calls himself or herself to your mates. I am sure that once his mush is caked in foundation, has a bow in his hair and is strategically shaved, then your mates should be ok with this. Try to read their thoughts when they meet him, a bet says they will think 'Hmmm, I've scuttled worse. ' Make him breath helium for an hour before so the deep voice doesn't give the game away and also make sure that your mates have had a skinfull before they meet for the first time. I am sure that Malcolm will look like Helga to them through the trusty beer goggles that most of us have possessed at some time.

Oh L'amour UncleBob.
 
Mesuno said:
Sheesh.. Nearly sprayed the monitor with my mouthful of coke. You just make it sound so plausible! [Edit :Re reply to Feek on first page :D]

Well, my house is lovely except for the bathroom which has wall, a floor with holes in it and a toilet. PLEASE HELP ME!!!
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Well in this day and age, we here all the politicians say we need to be at the heart of Europe and I would say that this includes euro-bogs. I think that a hole in the ground is quite acceptable, even after 20 French, 26 Spaniards and the European Commissioners have all squatted on it, usually with the accuracy of a tramp tanked up on Brasso extra strength.

Bathrooms and toilets are over-rated mes amis. After all, all we do in there is wash, spit in the sink and launch loo canoes down the pan.

Spend the money saved on the bathroom on beer mate and do your business in the garden like a cat. You could also get a pool table and put that in the bathroom, turning it into a games room.

Simple, effective and stinky.
 
Hey Von Smallhausen - it's me again.

Here's my problem....

I hate work but can't afford to give it up. :( The guys I work with are great but the customers are *******'s! I don't seem to be able to win the lottery (lady luck not with me this weekend) but don't want to become a scrounger on the dole. I'm an expensive lass to keep happy as well so we can't live on the one wage either.... any ideas on what I could do instead?! Did consider finding a really rich, really old man to marry and inherit from but yuck! Could you imagine the wedding night!?
shock.gif
Don't think it would be worth it in the long run!
 
kell_ee001 said:
Hey Von Smallhausen - it's me again.

Here's my problem....

I hate work but can't afford to give it up. :( The guys I work with are great but the customers are *******'s! I don't seem to be able to win the lottery (lady luck not with me this weekend) but don't want to become a scrounger on the dole. I'm an expensive lass to keep happy as well so we can't live on the one wage either.... any ideas on what I could do instead?! Did consider finding a really rich, really old man to marry and inherit from but yuck! Could you imagine the wedding night!?
shock.gif
Don't think it would be worth it in the long run!
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Now then Kellee flowaa, y'alreet ?

Have you considered setting up a premium rate talk dirty line ? For about 2 poond a minute, dirty old men can hear you say.

' Ooh, up periscope Admiral ' and ' Phew it's hot in here, I will just take off some clothing ' or perhaps ' Oh my bra has fallen off, how clumsy of me '

You could do this as a sideline from work, posting your direct dial number on a respectable porn site.

Easy money Kell and you can still keep dirty old men at arms length.

Alternatively, you could always go on the game over the North side, however I would suggest you keep this from Murph. If you could not bear to lie to him, then can I suggest he becomes your pimp ? I can just see him in a purple suit, red shirt and tie, red shoes and a leopardskin hat. Would he call you a beeatch though ?

Hope this helps.

VS
 
See I could never lie to Murf and I want out of the phone monkey business - even for £2 (and thats cheap btw!) per minute! :( I also can't see much trade up here in the north when the guys can get it for free down the meat market! :p
 
Dear Von

I am posting on OcUK while I am supposed to be working...

I have not been caught yet but I hear that the punishments are severe. Some people disappear and never come back. Ever.

I work in a Taiwanese sweatshop BTW, making Nike shoes... it still confuses me why I have internet acess when I work in a sweatshop

CBS
 
Von Smallhausen said:
^^

FREE ? Bloody hell I have been robbed then............. :( ;)
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I should probably re-phrase that.... there are lasses giving it for free at the Meat Market so I wouldn't expect guys to pay for me, regardless of the improved quality! :p
 
cleanbluesky said:
Dear Von

I am posting on OcUK while I am supposed to be working...

I have not been caught yet but I hear that the punishments are severe. Some people disappear and never come back. Ever.

I work in a Taiwanese sweatshop BTW, making Nike shoes... it still confuses me why I have internet acess when I work in a sweatshop

CBS
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Don't we all post while at work ?

The punishments are severe though should you be caught being associated with the OcUK underground movement. I hear that one man caught had to share a caravan with Jo Brand for a month.... my word, what a savage punishment. The man had to live on rainwater and carrot gratings as well.

To make it worse, Brand was sufering from the squits at the time.....

I need a new pair of trainers incidentally, can you get me a pair please ? It's the least you can do seeing as I have ironed out most of you problems CBS. Cbs is an American TV network didn't you know. I am the king of trivia and don't you forget it.
 
Von Smallhausen said:
I need a new pair of trainers incidentally, can you get me a pair please ? It's the least you can do seeing as I have ironed out most of you problems CBS. Cbs is an American TV network didn't you know. I am the king of trivia and don't you forget it.
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Consider them made, and if you find sweatshop is Taiwan unethical just think of us as Elves. Elves who make sweet little (Nike) shoes...

You have ironed out many of my problems Uncle Von...

Considering the Karma you have earned you could give me a good kick-in for no reason other than cheap thrills and you would still be straight with the Great Magnet.
 
Dear Uncle Von,
I am addicted to this thread. I know there are plenty of other threads I could be reading, but I'm too lazy to read through the forums and find them. I live in dread of the day this thread will finally peter out, as my life will feel empty, and I will become an empty shell of a man. I have tried getting a life but no-one will sell me one. I have tried making friends but my feet are too smelly. I have tried doing some work instead of sitting here waiting for another reply to your thread, but... no, who am I kidding, I haven't tried to work!:D
What should I do?
 
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