joke
- Thread starter Hamster
- Start date
Soldato
- Joined
- 16 May 2004
- Posts
- 6,953
- Location
- Derby
A blood vessel
Badumtish
Badumtish
Husband walks into Ann Summers to purchase some see-through lingerie for his wife.
He is shown several possibilities that range from £50 to £150 in price, the
more see-through, the higher the price. He opts for the sheerest item, pays
the £150 and takes the lingerie home.
He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on and model it for him.
Upstairs, the wife thinks, "I have an idea. It's so see-through that it
might as well be nothing. I'll not put it on, do the modelling naked and return it tomorrow and get a £150 refund for myself".
So she appears naked at the top of the stairs and strikes a pose.
The husband says, "Good grief! It wasn't that creased in the shop".
His funeral is this Thursday.
He is shown several possibilities that range from £50 to £150 in price, the
more see-through, the higher the price. He opts for the sheerest item, pays
the £150 and takes the lingerie home.
He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on and model it for him.
Upstairs, the wife thinks, "I have an idea. It's so see-through that it
might as well be nothing. I'll not put it on, do the modelling naked and return it tomorrow and get a £150 refund for myself".
So she appears naked at the top of the stairs and strikes a pose.
The husband says, "Good grief! It wasn't that creased in the shop".
His funeral is this Thursday.
Apple Computer announced today that it has developed a computer chip that can store and play high fidelity music in women's breast implants.
The i-Tit will cost $499 or $599 depending on speaker size.
This is considered to be a major breakthrough because women have always complained about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.
The i-Tit will cost $499 or $599 depending on speaker size.
This is considered to be a major breakthrough because women have always complained about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.
The American Marine Corps found they had too many officers and senior enlisted men. It was decided to offer an early retirement bonus.
They promised any officer or senior enlisted man who volunteered for retirement a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points in his body.
Those applying got to choose what those two points would be.
The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top
of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked
out with a bonus of $72,000.
The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be
measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked out with $96,000.
The third one was a non-commissioned officer, a grizzly old Sargent Major who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied, "From the tip of my penis to my testicles." It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider, explaining about the nice big checks the previous two officers had received. But the old Marine insisted and they decided to go along with him providing the measurement was taken by a medical officer. The medical officer arrived and instructed the Sargent Major to "drop 'em," which he did. The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of his penis and began to work back. "Dear Lord!" he suddenly exclaimed, "Where are your testicles?"
The old Sargent Major calmly replied, "Vietnam".
Chavs
What does a chav and a slinky have in common?
They have no real use, but it's amusing to see on fall down a flight of stairs.
They promised any officer or senior enlisted man who volunteered for retirement a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points in his body.
Those applying got to choose what those two points would be.
The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top
of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked
out with a bonus of $72,000.
The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be
measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked out with $96,000.
The third one was a non-commissioned officer, a grizzly old Sargent Major who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied, "From the tip of my penis to my testicles." It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider, explaining about the nice big checks the previous two officers had received. But the old Marine insisted and they decided to go along with him providing the measurement was taken by a medical officer. The medical officer arrived and instructed the Sargent Major to "drop 'em," which he did. The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of his penis and began to work back. "Dear Lord!" he suddenly exclaimed, "Where are your testicles?"
The old Sargent Major calmly replied, "Vietnam".
Chavs
What does a chav and a slinky have in common?
They have no real use, but it's amusing to see on fall down a flight of stairs.
A wife decides to take her husband to a strip club for his birthday.
They arrive at the club and the doorman says, "Hey, Phil! How ya doin?
"His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.
"Oh no," says Phil. "He's on my rugby team."
When they are seated, a waitress asks Phil if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.
His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, "How did she know that you drink Budweiser?"
"She's in the Ladies' Rugby team, honey. i sometimes train them."
A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Phil and says "Hi Philly, want your usual table dance, big boy?"
Phils wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.
Phil follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. He tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every name in the book.
The cabby turns his head and says, "Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Phil !"
They arrive at the club and the doorman says, "Hey, Phil! How ya doin?
"His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.
"Oh no," says Phil. "He's on my rugby team."
When they are seated, a waitress asks Phil if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.
His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, "How did she know that you drink Budweiser?"
"She's in the Ladies' Rugby team, honey. i sometimes train them."
A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Phil and says "Hi Philly, want your usual table dance, big boy?"
Phils wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.
Phil follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. He tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every name in the book.
The cabby turns his head and says, "Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Phil !"
You may or may not find it funny but i did, most likely heard it before but..
A young boy was playing with his train set one day, and he was shouting at his passengers to hurry the **** up off the train and the passengers getting on to move their *** or he would leave without them.
His mum heard this and came into the room and yelled at him for using that kind of language and told him to go to his room for two hours, and that we shouldn't use that kind of language in her house. She said you can play with the train set after two hours.
So two hours later he's back playing with his train set and this time he thanks the passengers for traveling with us and hope you ride again. And to those passengers boarding remember there is no smoking onboard the train, and we hope you have a pleasent journey today. His mum could hear him saying all this, and it brought a smile to her face....But then the son goes "and to all the passengers annoyed with the two hour delay please thank the fat **** in the kitchen".
A young boy was playing with his train set one day, and he was shouting at his passengers to hurry the **** up off the train and the passengers getting on to move their *** or he would leave without them.
His mum heard this and came into the room and yelled at him for using that kind of language and told him to go to his room for two hours, and that we shouldn't use that kind of language in her house. She said you can play with the train set after two hours.
So two hours later he's back playing with his train set and this time he thanks the passengers for traveling with us and hope you ride again. And to those passengers boarding remember there is no smoking onboard the train, and we hope you have a pleasent journey today. His mum could hear him saying all this, and it brought a smile to her face....But then the son goes "and to all the passengers annoyed with the two hour delay please thank the fat **** in the kitchen".
Macca said:You may or may not find it funny but i did, most likely heard it before but..
A young boy was playing with his train set one day, and he was shouting at his passengers to hurry the **** up off the train and the passengers getting on to move their *** or he would leave without them.
His mum heard this and came into the room and yelled at him for using that kind of language and told him to go to his room for two hours, and that we shouldn't use that kind of language in her house. She said you can play with the train set after two hours.
So two hours later he's back playing with his train set and this time he thanks the passengers for traveling with us and hope you ride again. And to those passengers boarding remember there is no smoking onboard the train, and we hope you have a pleasent journey today. His mum could hear him saying all this, and it brought a smile to her face....But then the son goes "and to all the passengers annoyed with the two hour delay please thank the fat **** in the kitchen".
lol slightly amusing, however, reading effort to gained chuckles is minimal
