you are right thank you.
News on Wife (reason for being away for a day)
- Thread starter Calranthe
- Start date
you are right thank you.
I am just so sad, it is like my reason for living is gone but I will not do anything silly my two dogs need me.
I think most of you would have really liked Paola if you had the chance to meet her.
Not only was she a good person and loved doing things for people she was a gamer through and through, before her hands became too damaged unreal tournament was her game, then she moved to counter strike, she loved sniper rifles and we even used to have our own Dayz server.
She embraced living even with the pain and loved B movies, also loved all the marvel movies and Dead pool.
No matter how bad she was always she put others first.
The only reason she didn't have her own account on here was her hands hurt too much to type.
I think most of you would have really liked Paola if you had the chance to meet her.
Not only was she a good person and loved doing things for people she was a gamer through and through, before her hands became too damaged unreal tournament was her game, then she moved to counter strike, she loved sniper rifles and we even used to have our own Dayz server.
She embraced living even with the pain and loved B movies, also loved all the marvel movies and Dead pool.
No matter how bad she was always she put others first.
The only reason she didn't have her own account on here was her hands hurt too much to type.
I am so glad you got to meet her.
Here is what happened in details.
As you have all heard the day that I never wanted to come has come, we both fought so hard, she was a fighter right till the end and everyone who got to know Paola was better off from the experience.
On Tuesday 20th of November at 6:30am I went into hospital to disconnect Paola from her dialysis, things were looking up it was working well, we smiled and talked really wanting the treatment to get a move on, both of us wanted her back at home, no one ever wants to be in hospital, no matter how amazing the nurses and Doctors are we heal best at home.
After I disconnected her and we pushed the machine out of the way, we chatted as we waited for the nurses to come and give Paola her dry weight, a dry weight is when something you take first thing in the morning before eating or drinking, it is how you keep a record and watch on fluid build up.
The Doctors and Nurses in the coronary care unit were amazing the best I have ever seen, every night I went home knowing Paola was in good hands.
The main Doctor came around and told us the plan of action an Echo cardiogram and a big meeting of all the specialists, then tweaking of Paola's medicine and maybe home by the weekend.
Her weight was taken and then she sat out in her wheelchair, I tried to brain storm new things to distract her, at 9am I left after making sure the Nurses ordered her a protein drink, before leaving I told her that I loved her, and waved through the door to her room, I called Trevor to come pick me up and stood outside the hospital main entrance, Paola messaged me on whatsapp and mentioned Minecraft for the phone so I bought it for her from the google store and told her to download it.
I was so excited to tell Trevor Paola should be home by the weekend, even started making plans.
From looking at her phone I could see the last thing she did was start playing Minecraft and listening to the new song Hold on to Memories by Disturbed, I got home and fed the dogs, went up on my computer and started typing out all the updates to let people know how Paola was, I then looked at rings online, Paola wanted to swap her ring for one with less edges, I found a lovely band with a Dragon, it was 10:07 when I sent a message to her phone asking for her ring size.
She never replied, I got a call a minute later from the nurse looking after Paola, saying she was in a bad way and I needed to get back to the hospital, I felt right then like my world was ending, everything went cold, I put the dogs in and ran over to Trevors house next door, we were in the car in minutes and he found a parking space while I ran to the ward, I was trying to talk myself out of the pit that had formed in my mind, I was shaking as I pressed the buzzer into the ward, a nurse came to me and told me they were working on Paola, would I like to go in or go wait in the waiting room, I went in with them.
I now understood why the coronary rooms are so big, 12 people were in there, a lot of machines and they were taking turns on Paola's chest, if you have never seen a cardiac arrest and how they respond its not like in the movies or TV series, its so much more violent, they compress the entire chest, they had the same kind of echo ultra sound you have to check on the baby, 2 mins of chest compressions plus she was already ventilated then they would stop check for a pulse, (unlike tv there is no sound from the machines they turn the sound off) do a quick echo scan of her heart and start again.
They managed to bring her back once just before I arrived and she had a second cardiac arrest, her heart was unresponsive, not working at all, they gave adrenaline they really did try everything and they let me tell them when to stop.
They then told me to hold her hand and talk to her as she slipped away which I did.
Paola was in no pain at the end, after that moment of playing Minecraft and listening to her song once she said her chest felt funny by the time they lay her on the bed she was listless and unfocused. But as the Doctors explained her body fought to the end.
The world is a lesser place without her and I feel completely lost.
But no truer words are spoke than Death is what happens when you are making other plans.
I read out every message you all said to her, she was so looking forward to meeting a few at our house and to reorganise the OCuk visit.
Everything seems grey and washed out to me, I tried to distract myself with shows on TV but it just made me want her to be watching with me.
As you have all heard the day that I never wanted to come has come, we both fought so hard, she was a fighter right till the end and everyone who got to know Paola was better off from the experience.
On Tuesday 20th of November at 6:30am I went into hospital to disconnect Paola from her dialysis, things were looking up it was working well, we smiled and talked really wanting the treatment to get a move on, both of us wanted her back at home, no one ever wants to be in hospital, no matter how amazing the nurses and Doctors are we heal best at home.
After I disconnected her and we pushed the machine out of the way, we chatted as we waited for the nurses to come and give Paola her dry weight, a dry weight is when something you take first thing in the morning before eating or drinking, it is how you keep a record and watch on fluid build up.
The Doctors and Nurses in the coronary care unit were amazing the best I have ever seen, every night I went home knowing Paola was in good hands.
The main Doctor came around and told us the plan of action an Echo cardiogram and a big meeting of all the specialists, then tweaking of Paola's medicine and maybe home by the weekend.
Her weight was taken and then she sat out in her wheelchair, I tried to brain storm new things to distract her, at 9am I left after making sure the Nurses ordered her a protein drink, before leaving I told her that I loved her, and waved through the door to her room, I called Trevor to come pick me up and stood outside the hospital main entrance, Paola messaged me on whatsapp and mentioned Minecraft for the phone so I bought it for her from the google store and told her to download it.
I was so excited to tell Trevor Paola should be home by the weekend, even started making plans.
From looking at her phone I could see the last thing she did was start playing Minecraft and listening to the new song Hold on to Memories by Disturbed, I got home and fed the dogs, went up on my computer and started typing out all the updates to let people know how Paola was, I then looked at rings online, Paola wanted to swap her ring for one with less edges, I found a lovely band with a Dragon, it was 10:07 when I sent a message to her phone asking for her ring size.
She never replied, I got a call a minute later from the nurse looking after Paola, saying she was in a bad way and I needed to get back to the hospital, I felt right then like my world was ending, everything went cold, I put the dogs in and ran over to Trevors house next door, we were in the car in minutes and he found a parking space while I ran to the ward, I was trying to talk myself out of the pit that had formed in my mind, I was shaking as I pressed the buzzer into the ward, a nurse came to me and told me they were working on Paola, would I like to go in or go wait in the waiting room, I went in with them.
I now understood why the coronary rooms are so big, 12 people were in there, a lot of machines and they were taking turns on Paola's chest, if you have never seen a cardiac arrest and how they respond its not like in the movies or TV series, its so much more violent, they compress the entire chest, they had the same kind of echo ultra sound you have to check on the baby, 2 mins of chest compressions plus she was already ventilated then they would stop check for a pulse, (unlike tv there is no sound from the machines they turn the sound off) do a quick echo scan of her heart and start again.
They managed to bring her back once just before I arrived and she had a second cardiac arrest, her heart was unresponsive, not working at all, they gave adrenaline they really did try everything and they let me tell them when to stop.
They then told me to hold her hand and talk to her as she slipped away which I did.
Paola was in no pain at the end, after that moment of playing Minecraft and listening to her song once she said her chest felt funny by the time they lay her on the bed she was listless and unfocused. But as the Doctors explained her body fought to the end.
The world is a lesser place without her and I feel completely lost.
But no truer words are spoke than Death is what happens when you are making other plans.
I read out every message you all said to her, she was so looking forward to meeting a few at our house and to reorganise the OCuk visit.
Everything seems grey and washed out to me, I tried to distract myself with shows on TV but it just made me want her to be watching with me.
I cleaned the lounge/bedroom called the stair lift company to fetch the stair lift, made an appointment for myself to see the Doctor, contacted mediquip to come fetch the bed an disabled persons items. at we are going to the hospital soon I want to say thank you to the people on the ward and all those that treated her.
Yes I would love that, I promised Paola that I wouldn't close myself off.
I went back to the ward today, wanted to thank all the people involved, it was hard to be there but I needed those amazing people to know how much we both appreciated what they did.
Hardest part was walking the halls of a hospital I had walked for 20 years with Paola.
I went back to the ward today, wanted to thank all the people involved, it was hard to be there but I needed those amazing people to know how much we both appreciated what they did.
Hardest part was walking the halls of a hospital I had walked for 20 years with Paola.
I have never experienced grief before, I think that I was too young when my Dad died, those five letters do not explain what it feels like, you feel fuzzy and disconnected, its like someone turned down the colour setting on your monitor until everything looks washed out and faded.
It really does not matter that you think it could happen, that you plan for it, no one who has not lost someone close can understand and I am so happy for those that can't, Nothing you do feels right, nothing feels like it did.
I saw my Doctor and I continued to sort stuff in the house.
Very weird.
It really does not matter that you think it could happen, that you plan for it, no one who has not lost someone close can understand and I am so happy for those that can't, Nothing you do feels right, nothing feels like it did.
I saw my Doctor and I continued to sort stuff in the house.
Very weird.
Thank you, reading all these replies do help, If it wasn't for my time on this website and people I know on steam, I would feel utterly alone, you know what I really miss at the moment?
All the care professionals that used to visit me and Paola, sometimes 5-10 visits a day, yes they were doing a job but you had someone to talk to, someone to connect with.
All the care professionals that used to visit me and Paola, sometimes 5-10 visits a day, yes they were doing a job but you had someone to talk to, someone to connect with.
I know I need to take time for myself but being constructive makes me feel a little less numb
Well financial situation is looking better, I have 12,000 debt not 20k, cancelled both credit cards in Paola's name so they are a null issue, restructured 2 of my cards and debt.
So financially I will be okay, that is a load I do not have to worry about.
Tomorrow we go to pick up the death certificate.
I really do appreciated all the offers of support and ideas, I am still out of it sort of bouncing from place to place but I will be taking you all up on the offers.
Thank you.
Well financial situation is looking better, I have 12,000 debt not 20k, cancelled both credit cards in Paola's name so they are a null issue, restructured 2 of my cards and debt.
So financially I will be okay, that is a load I do not have to worry about.
Tomorrow we go to pick up the death certificate.
I really do appreciated all the offers of support and ideas, I am still out of it sort of bouncing from place to place but I will be taking you all up on the offers.
Thank you.
You are right, everything was driven by a need to make her smile, we never waited for holidays or birthdays, we had no need of valentines day, every day mattered and I find that everything that I do now without her feels wrong and I just want her opinion or smile on something, I watch an episode of Flash and she isn't there to discuss it with, I cook a meal and I can't ask her what she thought of it.
Me and Paola did a post on the BTD6 reddit thanking them for all the fun time while she was ill and how the Bloons games had got us through some pretty rough things, NK contacted us and wanted to send us a gift.
I think its going to really hit me after the next couple of weeks, once the funeral is organised and all the paper work is settled, once I have all the medical equipment removed and have done all the reorganising of the house that needs doing, I know that everything I am doing is a distraction.
That is when I will need friends and people to help, visitors will be welcome.
Do you know I only realised tonight while playing AC Origins that for 20 years i've worn headphones always with one ear on one ear off so I could always hear Paola if she needed me.
will check it out.