News on Wife (reason for being away for a day)

Sorry I did a post saying the surgery was postponed, I have been trying to distract myself this Christmas all alone so it sucked, but I survived it, my appointment is the 3rd of January, that is when my surgery is on for should be no delay, till then I am just trying to keep myself busy.
I hope you all had a better Christmas and got to spend time with family.
 
At least here I can say exactly how I am feeling, it is draining to smile for people at Christmas because you do not want to ruin the day for them, too me now Christmas all that comes to mind is I'll never get another beautiful card made by her, I'll never have to make a special meal for us, I'll never get to watch her crafting and planing presents for others and I will never get to see her smile again.

I see all the adverts on telly showing family and celebration even more than normal Television.

All that on top of every time I leave the house I expect to be struggling to get her wheelchair over the big step, every time I leave the house now, I know that nothing is waiting for me when I get home because for 20 years the only time I would leave the house without her it was to pick up something or fetch a take out but the best part about leaving that house was getting back home to her.

I have no family, no close friends , it was basically her and me for the last 20 years, since her death I have probably had apart from the funeral one visitor to the house.

Not that I am in any shape to have visitors or make new friends yet.

I have talked to Samaritans, Douglas Macmillan bereavement councillors my GP is worried about me, I've been referred to clinical psychology (2nd January).

People think I am a suicide risk.

Lets be honest I am in certain ways, its not that I am planning to top myself but lets say I have this surgery and the prognosis afterwards (they will check how bad it is once they have it out of me) its all about how far it has spread, if the prognosis is bad as in I can't be cured of this cancer (I don't mind going through chemo if its not just a backstop to give me a couple or 6 months more). So if it is good news even if it means a year of chemo I will fight it, if its bad news then I am damn well going out on my own terms, If Paola was alive yes I'd fight for every single extra day alive.

Even if I fight it and beat it, I will still be coming home to an empty house.

Those in this thread who have suffered this kind of tragedy are the only ones who can truly understand the physical pain and torture of this kind of loss and like most people I have talked to, it never goes away, it helps if you keep busy or have family or children, you can focus and distract yourself, but every quiet moment is filled with feels and loss so dark and lonely its hard to put into words and believe me I am so so happy that most of you have not had to feel this, I am so happy that most of you good people here don't understand because I honestly wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy.

Imagine it a depressing dark and lonely pain so bad that your actually grateful for the distraction of Bowel Cancer.

I am not giving up and I do plan on setting up a games/movie/bbq/VR night/afternoon at my place after all this is done, I do plan on visiting places Paola would have loved to, I may even volunteer at the local hospital after all I already have all the skills.

I am just in a very dark place at the moment.
 
well I have to wonder if I am an NPC in some messed up game of the sims and the one in charge is the kind of person who removes the ladder to the swimming pool.

I have one light in my life that is my dogs, a Terrier named beryl and a staffie named Bertie, both rescue dogs (both of them have always been healthy), this morning when sitting with them I noticed that Beryl is squinting in one eye, I take a look and its slightly milky and painful for her.

Now I'm not in the best of head space but one thing I would never neglect is my dogs, so I make an appointment to see my vet and its Glaucoma, could be primary or secondary, worst case scenario it takes both eyes and she ends up blind.

I mean seriously I go into hospital on the 3rd, its pretty much the worst time of the year to organise anything pet wise and this happens?

Did I screw over a Gypsy in a past life ?
 
Trappi$t said:
Calranthe, where do you stay?

Has anyone off the forum popped round to say hello or help out with anything?
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I'm in shelton stoke on trent, I would not be against some company even if its just to have a chat, I may not be up to going out for a film or anything like that, anyone who wants to Drop me a Trust. (be warned we do have two dogs who will probably try to lick you to death).
 
Three things have given me at least some kind of distraction.
1)Books, I am listening to a lot of books from Audible, Monster Hunter Inc is a great series of books as is the Dresden Files plus Old Man's War.
2)Walking, whenever I feel restless I just go for a walk remembering to take a drink of water and tissues because I walked nearly everywhere within a 10 mile radius of my house with Paola in her wheelchair so it hits me all the damn time.
3)Playing Star Trek Online, we used to play together, instead of playing my old characters, I created a new one modelled on myself and created one modelled on Paola as my first officer (science) I always played the engineer, I always loved that game and going through all the content (which is classed as extended cannon for the Star Trek Universe, a lot of the Actors come back to reprise the roles) is a great distraction.

It probably isn't healthy but who cares when I get back from the hospital I plan to either hire a Skyrim mod maker or make one myself, create a follower companion in the image of her character she played skyrim with, then I will travel SkyrimVR with her at my side.
 
I just set a fire in the back yard, no I wasn't trying to burn the house down, we have an incinerator which I use to burn anything paper and cardboard like, I used to really enjoy sitting outside at night with a drink of water and just watch the flames, when I did it tonight had no enjoyment like most of what I do.

It is strange to think that in early November I came thanking Overclockers for all the support and they offered for us to come visit and have a tour, a week before we were supposed to visit on my birthday is when she got really ill.

Even though it wasn't that long ago it feels like a million miles away a place I can never get back too.
 
HoneyBadger said:
No...but you can move forward, one day at a time.

I’m a big fan of Star Trek, and have multiple characters in the game!

What race is your character, and what’s your favourite ship/spec?

:)
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Basic Human federation wanted to keep it as close to me as possible, I like carriers, my ship of the moment is the Jem'Hadar Vanguard Carrier T6 this weekend of double xp has meant I've almost mastered the ship also.
My in game name is Pyros@pyria feel free to add me.
 
Diddums said:
I'm going to speak to the boss and see if I can come up at some point in the next few weeks. I can't make any promises but I'd love to meet you, you're a good person Calranthe, I wish nothing but the best for you mate :)
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That would be wonderful, lets do it after I've been in hospital, I go in on Thursday and hopefully all being well I will be back out a week later.
 
HoneyBadger said:
Keeping it simple, fair enough! Most of mine are Vulcans... think I have a thing for the ears!

Sounds like an impressive ship. Have you seen the Federation Jupiter class? Do you have a life long subscription? If not, might be worth getting one in the sales. You get a monthly stipend for zen too

I’ll add you later on tonight :) Are you part of a fleet?

How are the doggies?
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I have the lifetime subscription, I picked it up when I decided to log back in sort of like a "you better bloody log in you just spent how much".
I have a fleet but I am the only active one playing.
The Jupiter is a nice one. I also picked up the Gamma vanguard ship pack, so I have all the T6 Jem'hadar and Cardassian ships.
 
Well today I start my prep for the surgery, doses of what can only be described as sink unblocker for your bowels, lets just say me and the bathroom will be well acquainted for the next 5 hours lol.

Thank you all, I will try to keep you informed while I am in the hospital.
 
Is all good just got back from the hospital, needed to grab some preload, see if they are doing what is called the enhanced recovery, you have to completely clear out your bowels and no food from midday the day before hand, the colon has to be empty obviously for the operation but to help restart the digestive system and help it heal the night before you have something called preload which is basically carb/sugar, it stays in your system and provides energy until you can eat food again (at the earliest it will late that night after surgery).
 
I am in surgical special care operation was meant to be a one hour operation turned into a 6 hour operation today is the first day I can even type was meant to be keyhole surgery but complications meant they had to cut me open, from here I will go to 109 or 108 royal stoke hospital if anyone in the area wants to visit I would appreciate it just make sure you are not ill.
I could be in here a while.
I am not even allowed to eat yet.
Visiting time is 2 till 4 and 5 till 7
 
dowie said:
Well I guess you did get stabbed in your gut, sort of! Hope you feel better soon and make a swift recovery and I hope that after all that they managed to get rid of it and can give you the all clear.

I guess with operations like this you never know how it is going to be when you wake up, I went in for a gallbladder op a few years ago that was keyhole and fortunately went as planned but I was warned beforehand that if the surgeon needed to then he'd revert to regular surgery and just slice me open and that he'd not be waking me up first to check etc... so I had to plan for a potentially longer hospital stay just in case.

I guess it is just one of those things, you drew the short straw on the op and now get a longer stay in hospital, though hopefully in the grand scheme of things they've still managed to achieve what they set out to achieve and those extra days in hospital as a result of reverting to regular surgery become a small price to pay for getting a good result :)
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Stabby thing that stabbed me in a stabby place that hurts like a bitch but means I am on the road to recovery
 
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