News on Wife (reason for being away for a day)

All is a waiting game now until 20th when I see the Oncologist in the afternoon, can't really move on until I know whether or not I am having Chemotherapy.
I used meetup to setup a meeting for this coming friday.

I am just organising the house to have everything setup ready for use.

It is keeping me busy.
 
I did something scary, had the first VR meet up on friday, 4 people + me, we did Google earth VR, SuperhotVR. It went well, two of them had never tried VR before.
I am tired this weekend having problem sleeping.
 
Here is how the 4 gaming stations in the house are setup, two are VR enabled and both of the others are VR capable, I may save up for a couple of HP Windows mixed reality HMD's for the other two so if 4 people visit everyone can be in VR.

https://imgur.com/gallery/0dtOYxs

Meetup . com is the place.

So for Meetup, I am setting up a weekly night (snacks and soft drinks provided) and one weekend a month which is called a B-movie special either Saturday or Sunday 12-6 (we will order take out or I will cook a meal) 3 random B-movies from the 70s-90's and we sit around the living room laughing our ass off at them.

Future plan (the laptop in station 4 is VR capable) get that all sorted

Back yard has a fire pit but is a mess, clean it up and get s 240" (20ft) projector screen for my 1080p projector and we can sit outside watching the latest Marvel movies or gaming on that.

I am still not up to gaming much (see exception below) but that meetup proved to me I was so happy to see others laughing and ooohing and ahhhhhing as they tried to stay alive in SuperhotVR.


The exception is Japanese RPG Maker games.
I have VNR to translate the games in real time which gives you 60-80% understanding and well lets just say i've picked up a few Japanese words like Save game Load game new game and equipment.

People think Darksouls is hard and a challenge sorry I would laugh in there faces, try playing an Asian game built on there idea of challenges, a game where you only understand 80% max and need to figure it out on the fly, games that have stories and sacrifice and death in them (last one I played your companion after a 60 hour campaign died of an illness) and if you play them on the settings intended you die a lot, they have tactics and spell systems based on blood type, moon phases, hour of the day and companions or clothes. (and that is usually the 20% of the game that doesn't get translated).

it is probably the challenge and focus, see if I am playing AC Odyssey I will still be thinking of Paola, if I watch a film or do the washing, if I am playing one of these games then I am 100% focused.

The only down side is avoiding the Japanese porn RPG's not that I'm a prude and I have seen amazing RPG's of the adult variety that actually have a story but not really into anything like that anymore.
 
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Okay what is it with the universe wanting to scr3w me over, I need to go for a CT scan within the next week because the cancer could have spread to my lungs, now if it has then Chemo is inevitable and it also means the cancer has gone from stage 2 to stage 4, the ludicrous part of all of this is, its sort of like 1% of 1% see with bowel cancer for it to go anywhere it usually has to breach the lining, travel vial the lymph system or vein system and normally it never jumps passed all of that to the lungs.

If it has then I am pretty much fubar.
 
dowie said:
Is that routine or has something else prompted it? Easier said than done I know but try not to worry too much about what ifs yet, especially with regards to low probability stuff. They're going to want to rule this stuff out.

Anyway best of luck, I hope you get the all clear form the scan! :)
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They took a CT scan before my op in December and one post Op which showed an enlargement, now it could just be an infection I had at the time, they will know with the new CT.
 
Vidar said:
@Calranthe Hey Buddy,

Been following your thread as much as I can and am hoping the ct results come back all clear... you really don't deserve anymore ****!

The meet up sounds like it was great fun, how you getting on otherwise?
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PET scan was this morning, yay I'm slightly radioactive at the moment, I'm not doing to well sadly, I am keeping myself distracted but that is all it is, distractions, nothing really gives me joy or happiness, still not doing anything for me beyond the "I should eat 3 times a day" "I should sleep" "I should log on the computer" schedule type things to keep me occupied.

If anything its getting worse, yes i'm in touch with people trying to help but there may just be no help on this one, I keep saying it but it is so hard for people to comprehend spending 21 years with someone with no down time, no hobby outside each other, no friends no career, completely immersed in that one person sharing everything, to put it in perspective 24 hours after we met we shared everything, we talked for 13 hours every dream we had, every problem and insecurity, hell we even talked about our darkest fantasies and desires, no secrets in 21 years not one 24/7 together.

And then its gone in an instant, it isn't that I am defeatist or anything else, you see it sometimes, Look at how after Johny cash died how long it took for his other half to pass it happens a lot for those few who are two people completely part of one and no one can fix it.

All those things that I loved and enjoyed before she was gone are now empty.

So I distract myself, I keep myself busy but you can't do that 100% of the time.

But I'm not going to do anything silly, I'm still taking it one day at a time.

Who knows maybe some irony will happen like me winning the lottery and I can distract myself very well for the next 10-30 years.
 
TriedandTested said:
Have you been to your doctor to ask for some extra help/support? It sounds like you're struggling and bit, and that's ok. They have lots of ideas and ways to signpost but sometimes you've got to make the first move.

If i've missed something in this thread and suggesting something you've already done, then apologies.
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Yes I have help and support, I am seen my a senior psychologist, a bereavement councillor even the Samaritans ring me up (yes they have a scheduled call to me once a week on sunday to check on me) and check on me but it just may be that nothing can be done or fixed on this.

You hear it in there voice when your speaking to them, 21 years carer, reactive depression, somewhere on the autism scale, AdHD, loss of Wife, no children, no career, no anchor to keep him stable, Bowel cancer hanging over his head and his mother in the late stages of early onset Dementia who could die any time.

Do you know in the whole of Staffordshire, including Stoke on Trent we only have 4 primary care mental health professionals to cover it all and if you are not diagnosed with ADHD or Autism as a child your treatment consists of "you managed to survive this long by yourself by limiting yourself lets continue with that"

tick tick tick boom!

It is so far beyond what most people deal with that most care professionals are out of depth.

Funny thing is this is how it usually goes "I explain from the start that I am considering ending it all and even planned it out in a way that will do the least harm to anyone else" (yes even my GP knows) after I go into depth about what I have dealt with and what I am dealing with they usually admit its a rational almost logical consideration.

And something I've been keeping to myself if once I got back from surgery I had to throw out my bed, laying in a bed causes me to have flashbacks of seeing my Wife die, I sleep in a sleeping bag on the floor which seems to help but does mean I do not get the best of nights sleep.

I am so messed up its beyond even the norm.

So I just take one day at a time.
 
I am expecting the worst, I am expecting it to be cancer in my lungs, I am expecting surgery and chemo with all the side effects and dangers for one simple reason.

If I go into that meeting on Wednesday to find out the results expecting to come out fine expecting the best possible result and it doesn't happen it will break me completely, it will be the final straw after all that has happened, but if I go in expecting the worst prepared for the worst and it is then I will be able to handle it far better than if not.

The plus side is if it turns out to be just a shadow on the second CT or an infection the well lets just say I could handle that kind of surprise happily.
 
It is the one complaint I have with the support staff, they are so focused on the positive attitude that anyone getting a bad result after being built up so much is wrecked by it.
 
robfosters said:
I know what you’re going through. You may have seen my thread, but I’m also awaiting results of a CT scan that pretty much could decide whether I live or die. In my case it’s whether or not my liver is healthy enough for a heart transplant. Really scary times. I’m also preparing myself for the worst news.

I really hope you get the results you are hoping for.
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Please let us know how it goes, gotta prepare for the worst and hope for the best, my best wishes to you.
 
Doesn't care,
Depression does not care how happy you should be, it doesn't care how grateful you should be for just being alive, it doesn't care what your plans were, what you were meant to do with your life, logic and reason do not matter one bit.

Doesn't care,
What you want to accomplish today, it is like a triple glazed frosted window between you and life, you can just about see those that care about you, read motivational words and all those dreams you had, but it is all in the distance and disconnected.

Doesn't care,
How your cancer is going, it doesn't care that the results are good, it doesn't care that you want to live for her, you want to do all the things she can no longer do, it just doesn't care how good your life looks to other people or how lucky you are with your results.

Now we come to the understanding the knowing the part that no one who hasn't dealt with the 800 pound gorilla putting you through the floor.
Have you ever wondered why seemingly talented people at the top of there game, rich people with everything to live for, those with amazing families and the whole world to be experienced, commit suicide?
Now I know, now I understand because when you are suffering with depression and things go right for you, it doesn't get rid of depression, it doesn't shine a light in the darkness what it does is make you feel guilty..

Guilty because things are going so well and all you feel is lost lonely empty and despair your depression is multiplied by the guilt at feeling that way when you just beat cancer, had a child or your wife told you she loves you.


Don't worry i'm not gone yet, "professionals" are looking out for me, I just now understand why all those people ended it.
 
I just deleted my gofundme account in disgust, some ******* donated £40 (I only received 36.40) using a stolen credit card and now the stripe payment system wants to take that £40 from my bank plus £15 fees.

Does anyone have any idea how hard I have worked to keep my bank in the black, income dropping from 1500 to 560 when Paola died, I have budgeted everything and planned everything and then this happens.

Just another nail in the coffin.

the actual refund back to them didn't work, but I can't delete my bank account details and they will probably either try again or come after me for the money another way.
 
Okay I know what I am going to do, leaving the house is becoming harder due to the depression, but I am going to restart my youtube channel start posting videos and information, talk about depression, computers, gaming and loss, discuss cancer and tips for carers, how to cope when you are stuck in a house 24/7 for 21 years.
Once its all setup, hope its okay to post it on here.
 
Something amazing has happened, You probably don't know but over the last few months I have made it my mission to visit every gaming site every youtube channel that that Paola spent time on and thanked them all for helping her and how much they meant. In this world it is easy to complain but not many of us let the developers know they did good and this was a positive experience in our lives.

It was part of my bucket list, what I wanted to do before dying but something amazing happened see I have 680+ games in my steam library I have every console and hand held, I have VR but I can't touch any of it because its things I did with Paola and it breaks me, just like leaving the house is a bad thing, I fall apart if I reach for that door knowing Paola isn't with me.

Well The Division 2 came out and I bought it after it was released and for the first time I wanted to log on, literally I was a week ago at the point of I've completed most of my bucket list I'm ready to end it, no fear no concerns I was going to sell all my tech give the money to Animal lifeline and then end it, maybe wait till End Game came out and watch that first.

But I found myself engaging in the first thing the only thing in 4 months of hell.

https://www.reddit.com/r/thedivision/comments/b4d861/thank_you_again_massive_and_ubisoft_you_may/

My post took a community by storm in a good way.

And even though I had no experience of youtube, no ability to stream, I started using my channel to make videos about myself, about Paola and about the positive influence games have on situations.
(I need to redo my channel intro again not happy with that)
I have 280+ subscribers and while i'm making those videos i'm alive.
None of my videos are monetised, the only thing I get out of it all is to share things and inspire people all over the world.
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCd0l4UJXXXVlYA1bxKUcJRQ
 
I just reread this thread, it was heat breaking especially when I got to the 10 minutes before I received the call from the hospital.

I am still as broken, that won't change, happiness isn't a word that applies to me and that is okay it really is because I now have other words like Inspiration.

My Twitch channel and youtube channel are going fine, (still not monetising or anything I will come to the reason for that later) almost 200 videos uploaded, a small following, When I am doing the stream or recording a video or doing a podcast, for those few hours I am okay, and that is enough.

Future plans well, I have been invited to take part in a podcast (to talk about Paola and how gaming helped us in life), I am going to talk to the curator at the Hanley Museum about doing a small show about Paola, how a local someone with arthritis, cancer, renal failure, damage to hand musculature managed to create over 300 pieces of art and paintings usually while in great pain, once again inspiring. A journalist wants to do a feature spread on mine and Paola's story, probably just local but may end up national.

I have taken 600dpi scans of 80% of Paola's artwork.

Here is pictures I took of her jewellery craft stage between 2008-9 this was all done even though she could only work on it 15 mins max a day and I am still amazed with the damage done to her manual dexterity, some of those beads and work are 1-2mm in size, http://deviantedge.org/index.php/paolas-jewellery-craft/

The following has no time yet a long way to go but, while with my ADHD, Depression, PTSD and other issues a normal job is out of the picture but the plan is to grow the foundation slowly with word of mouth, podcast, newspaper, youtube and twitch, then come off the benefits (only when I am sure I can make enough to live on) from Youtube partnership, Twitch Affiliate and selling prints of Paola's artwork and crafts. (I am surviving on £560 a month, if it became viable to make a stable income of £800 per month) then I would do it.

Until that time it is therapy that is keeping me alive, allowing me to function, hell I even do cooking programs which inspire me to actually cook and make food even if no one watches them.

Like I said it is all very very early days, no rush on anything.

I know Paola would love her art and crafts to be experienced around the world anyway.
 
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