Okay i'm here, firstly my apology for how I acted.
I don't think anyone here can get how bad it was in hospital for me, it wasn't the surgery, it was being in the same hospital 2 floors from where Paola died, it was having no time to grieve before the cancer hit me, it was having no visitors for 10 days + 3 more days and nothing to do but spend time in my own head space.
I was at the point of giving up, after all what do I have to live for, no one at home, no real life friends, no Paola to see smile, in fact every day I live is one day further from being with her.
See to most of you computers are a luxury, games are a hobby, you have lives, career, people who care, you have family and children.
I am looking at 12 months of chemo cycles which will destroy my appetite each month, cause me to feel like hell and could cause complications, now if Paola was alive I'd face any problem, attack any challenge but without its really hard to see a reason.
Yes I know that I should be doing all this for Paola if nothing else.
Let me try to explain the loss, for 21 years I was part of a very close relationship, 18 hours a day every single day for 21 years, no breaks, no trips to the pub, no job, no days out with friends, no respite, not one single day in 21 years was I away from Paola for more that 15 minutes to walk the dog, Every hobby was shared, every TV show watched together, Every Film experienced together, not many people can imagine that level of togetherness, add on top the work and effort to keep Paola alive, the learning of each new problem, trained in new medical know how, dialysis.
Now imagine all that being taken away forever.
There is actually a medical condition called a broken heart, you hear about it sometimes when a husband or wife dies the other half dies days, months later just can't go on.
Both OCuk and people here kept telling me "if you need anything just ask" so I made the terrible crime of actually asking, asking for something that I knew would distract me, after all if you look back on my threads a lot of people have offered help but I have not taken them up on it.
it just pushed me over the edge when people started accusing me and I was in no fit state to respond so I just ranted and for that I apologise.
Thank you to those that defended me.
How am I at the moment.
I came home on the 13th, 2 days later I was back in because my temperature spiked to 39.2 and they were concerned it could be sepsis, they pumped me full of a lot of antibiotics and 2 days later I was back home.
I am very weak, my body hurts but happy to be home, next week I go to the meeting where we find out exactly how much chemo I will need and what the prognosis will be.
(what I actually asked for was a loaner an old laptop for a short term thats all, I did NOT ask for a freebie)
The laptop, I am now the owner of a rather nice CyberpowerPC Tracer Xtreme Gaming Laptop - 15.6" 1080p FHD, Intel Core i7-8750H, Nvidia GTX 1060 6GB, 16GB RAM, 240GB SSD, 1TB HDD, RGB Mechanical Keyboard, Wifi + BT, Windows 10.
When I got home I sold a few items on ebay, I max'd out a couple of my cards (not the most sensible but already paying them back) and now I do not have to worry about being in hospital for chemo without anything to do, a friend setup a small gofundme to help.
I was just looking for something to play older games on this thing will even do VR.
I am not a greedy person, me and Paola never were, I never sold an item on ebay to make a profit and if anyone ever wanted anything we could spare we did it, its just how we were built so when I responded to people offering to help I did it in the same idea because that is how I think.
