OcUK Dadsnet thread

[ci_newman]

Question for all, when did you and your partner decide now was the time to have a baby, was there any important things in your life that you wanted to do first? Me and my partner want to get married and finish the restoration of our house and be on better wages. Now this still could take us a couple years which if i it was up to me i would have one tomorrow but i can see how important these step are to have in place for the both of us. We both arent high earners so if we had a baby this year we would struggle financially, we would kiss goodbye to the wedding and the house would take longer, and as for myself getting a better job, i dont think i could get much better without the expensive course im self funding. Not trying to sound unpatient but im 35 this year and i probably wont be a first time dad till im nearly 40, which aint a problem as ive always seen myself as an older dad, but im not sure how many children i want in the end.

The correct answer is "you're never ready". There's always something else on the horizon that could get in the way or push the date out.

As for the wedding, take some advice from me. Don't spend a stupid amount of money. Have a small, personal ceremony and save yourself a bucket-load of cash.

First time dad at 40 is going to be hard work, but not insurmountable. The issue is if you want a second kid a few years later, having another baby at 45 might be pushing it too far.

Although your biggest deciding factor is going to be your wifes age. At 40 she probably won't have any issues conceiving, but the longer you leave it (especially for siblings) then the harder it's going to be for her. Some women will start their menopause in the 40s.

And that's assuming you can conceive naturally, if you have to go down the route of IVF then it could be several years before you conceive.

 

[robj20]

Wife has been feeling unwell the last few weeks, thought it maybe the heat or lack of exercise as she isnt going out much. Well no, turns out we have another baby on the way.
I have said all along i dont want anymore, but im okay with the idea as all the doctors say George would benefit from having a sibling.

 

[bakes0310]

The correct answer is "you're never ready". There's always something else on the horizon that could get in the way or push the date out.

As for the wedding, take some advice from me. Don't spend a stupid amount of money. Have a small, personal ceremony and save yourself a bucket-load of cash.

First time dad at 40 is going to be hard work, but not insurmountable. The issue is if you want a second kid a few years later, having another baby at 45 might be pushing it too far.

Although your biggest deciding factor is going to be your wifes age. At 40 she probably won't have any issues conceiving, but the longer you leave it (especially for siblings) then the harder it's going to be for her. Some women will start their menopause in the 40s.

And that's assuming you can conceive naturally, if you have to go down the route of IVF then it could be several years before you conceive.

Yeah we dont plan on having a big wedding, cheap as possible and thats from both of us, she doesnt want an expenisve one.
Im 34 and shes 27 so we do have a bit of an age gap so she will still be in her 30's. And if she takes after her mum who had 11 children and the last one were twins (my partner is the twin) in her mid 40's i dont think we have much to worry about.
Dumb question but why would it be harder in your 40's you should be at the peak of your career earning good money and if you look after yourself you shouldnt be any more tired than you would be in your 20's. Infact im more fitter and stronger now than when i was in the army in my 20's.

 

[ci_newman]

Yeah we dont plan on having a big wedding, cheap as possible and thats from both of us, she doesnt want an expenisve one.
Im 34 and shes 27 so we do have a bit of an age gap so she will still be in her 30's. And if she takes after her mum who had 11 children and the last one were twins (my partner is the twin) in her mid 40's i dont think we have much to worry about.
Dumb question but why would it be harder in your 40's you should be at the peak of your career earning good money and if you look after yourself you shouldnt be any more tired than you would be in your 20's. Infact im more fitter and stronger now than when i was in the army in my 20's.

Oh man, you've got some hard lessons to learn when you finally have kids You don't know the meaning of the word energy when you've gone 18months straight without a single full nights sleep because they are waking up and needing feeding / nappies / soothing 3-4 times per night. Kids are just relentless.

Life under kids is like living in a permanent hangover, at least for the first 12 months. That's also assuming you have a child with a typical childhood. I cannot imagine how exhausting life must be for people like robj20 with all the health problems his son has had to overcome.

 

[413x]

Yeah we dont plan on having a big wedding, cheap as possible and thats from both of us, she doesnt want an expenisve one.
Im 34 and shes 27 so we do have a bit of an age gap so she will still be in her 30's. And if she takes after her mum who had 11 children and the last one were twins (my partner is the twin) in her mid 40's i dont think we have much to worry about.
Dumb question but why would it be harder in your 40's you should be at the peak of your career earning good money and if you look after yourself you shouldnt be any more tired than you would be in your 20's. Infact im more fitter and stronger now than when i was in the army in my 20's.

Health problems start creeping up as you get older.
I'm 34 now and luckily never had kids. My gf is 28 now has a condition in her arms where she can't use them for.. Could be never, could be 3 months. No idea.
Thing is these thing are more likely to happen as you get older.

I'm certainly feeling older now that a few years ago. I don't bounce back so easily. Just getting over a knee injury I had for a year!

With kids now I'd be crippled more than I would be at 27. With caring for gf it's hard enough. It's actually terrified me how life can be fine and then suddenly change. How dove people work serious conditions juggle life and life and maybe caring for a partner? Serious respect for that.

A few years ago I'd have said leave it late. Get that career up and running and the house done, which is great and an option, but health can (obviously not always) be a factor.

Have them early and everything takes longer, money is harder.

No right answer. That's definitely true. It's amazing how things change as you grow older. I used to think people were crazy to have kids before 30 even!


Kids or not, I'm a big believer in cheap weddings too! I mean, it's only a day! A lot of people spend a house deposit on it! If money isn't an issue, that's fine, but if it is? Craz !

 

[bakes0310]

Thanks for the wise words you too, dont think ill dwell on the "permanet hangover feeling" too much haha. Well i report back when i have one and ill say bloody hell your right im knackered lol

 

[RoboCod]

Wife has been feeling unwell the last few weeks, thought it maybe the heat or lack of exercise as she isnt going out much. Well no, turns out we have another baby on the way.
I have said all along i dont want anymore, but im okay with the idea as all the doctors say George would benefit from having a sibling.

Er, congratulations?

Yeah we dont plan on having a big wedding, cheap as possible and thats from both of us, she doesnt want an expenisve one.
Im 34 and shes 27 so we do have a bit of an age gap so she will still be in her 30's. And if she takes after her mum who had 11 children and the last one were twins (my partner is the twin) in her mid 40's i dont think we have much to worry about.
Dumb question but why would it be harder in your 40's you should be at the peak of your career earning good money and if you look after yourself you shouldnt be any more tired than you would be in your 20's. Infact im more fitter and stronger now than when i was in the army in my 20's.

Amen to that. Energy... What is that? Ah, it's something I used to have buckets of a long time ago.

 

[Ev0]

Almost 6 weeks in now, it's been tough as hell but things starting to feel more manageable overall now!

 

[Arsonist]

Question for all, when did you and your partner decide now was the time to have a baby, was there any important things in your life that you wanted to do first? Me and my partner want to get married and finish the restoration of our house and be on better wages. Now this still could take us a couple years which if i it was up to me i would have one tomorrow but i can see how important these step are to have in place for the both of us. We both arent high earners so if we had a baby this year we would struggle financially, we would kiss goodbye to the wedding and the house would take longer, and as for myself getting a better job, i dont think i could get much better without the expensive course im self funding. Not trying to sound unpatient but im 35 this year and i probably wont be a first time dad till im nearly 40, which aint a problem as ive always seen myself as an older dad, but im not sure how many children i want in the end.

This was something I always wondered until recently. We'd decided that we at least both needed stable jobs and a house we owned - were't too worried about getting married, at least not yet anyway. We had vague plans to think about trying next year, but found out my partner was pregnant in December. But we'd both sorted stable jobs and were in the process of buying a property so thought it felt like a sign that, if there is such a thing as the right time, it was probably now.

She's due in early August, but since COVID, we're both likely about to be made redundant and our house purchase fell through. My point is, there really isn't much you can do to get your life in order, and there isn't a 'right time'. If you want kids, have kids, providing you're not both living totally off the state. Something much worse than COVID could be around the corner re. your health, jobs, home, living circumstances etc, and so the right time may never appear.

 

[regulus]

Question for all, when did you and your partner decide now was the time to have a baby, was there any important things in your life that you wanted to do first? Me and my partner want to get married and finish the restoration of our house and be on better wages. Now this still could take us a couple years which if i it was up to me i would have one tomorrow but i can see how important these step are to have in place for the both of us. We both arent high earners so if we had a baby this year we would struggle financially, we would kiss goodbye to the wedding and the house would take longer, and as for myself getting a better job, i dont think i could get much better without the expensive course im self funding. Not trying to sound unpatient but im 35 this year and i probably wont be a first time dad till im nearly 40, which aint a problem as ive always seen myself as an older dad, but im not sure how many children i want in the end.

We waited until were were financially golden. I turned 40 last month and we've been planning it since I was 36ish or so. Even we would've made it work at any point, there's far more comfort around this particular period for us. Covid obviously slung a spammer in the works but there's been no actual change in our circumstances at all, nor would there be.

Would one extra year made a difference? Yep, of course. Another 12 months of two high earners stashing the account is always welcome but at what point do you stop? So we decided to make our cut off point my age. I wanted a kid before turning 40 which meant inception around September last year. It never occurred to us that it may take a while (as I've since spoken to people that's been trying for YEARS) and we were fortunate enough that she fell pregnant the first time of trying. Was walking around like John Wayne for a few days after the positive test but early stage parenthood has since cured me of that pride.

Anyway. Short answer is. We set a financial number and age number and a few arbitrary milestones and waited until we hit most of those. Not perfect but we were happy enough to make the jump based off that bit of planning.

 

[DanTheMan]

I always worried about money / financial stability but since having a child, they aren't as horrendously expensive as I expected. Nursery / childcare fees are extortionate granted but clothes / food / nappies are cheap nowadays. I suppose if you don't already have a suitable house / car then it may be different but for the most part, it isn't too bad. Kids under 3 get in most places for free anyway, food was mainly free for 12 months as my wife breastfed and most of the useless toys that they get are bought by other people or handed down.

Once you have them, you've got 4 years or so before they go to school and really start getting influenced by other kids, then it can become a case of keeping up with the jones' but the first 3 years I've realised it's more about having the time and energy to invest in them, not so much the money. I was 27 when we had our daughter and there are many times when I think it would have been better having her younger. My brother had his first at 40 and has just had his second at 43 and he's certainly feeling it. He would trade some money for having the same energy levels that he had 10 years ago in a heartbeat.

 

[regulus]

One thing I encourage all dads to do (if they're open to listening), is to open an investment account for their babies and invest a little bit each week. We opened an investment index tracker account as soon as we received her birth certificate and after some very generous seed money from her mum and dad, now invest an amount for her each week to be signed over to her when she's 25 (and if we did our job as parents properly, she won't run out and buy a Mclaren F1). So the equities market and compound interest has 25 years to do its thing. That'll be an insanely massive leg up for her at a young age. Something I wish my parents did instead of me having to waste my 20s working crap jobs to get by.

We've also been putting 5 bucks a week each into a 'school' account for her since my partner was 10 weeks pregnant. Additionally I also transfer all my pennies from my main account automatically to her school account. So if I have £1500.45 in my account when I check, I'd transfer that 0.45 over as well.

Do the small things now to soften the blow a few years down the line.

 

[DanTheMan]

One thing I encourage all dads to do (if they're open to listening), is to open an investment account for their babies and invest a little bit each week. We opened an investment index tracker account as soon as we received her birth certificate and after some very generous seed money from her mum and dad, now invest an amount for her each week to be signed over to her when she's 25 (and if we did our job as parents properly, she won't run out and buy a Mclaren F1). So the equities market and compound interest has 25 years to do its thing. That'll be an insanely massive leg up for her at a young age. Something I wish my parents did instead of me having to waste my 20s working crap jobs to get by.

We've also been putting 5 bucks a week each into a 'school' account for her since my partner was 10 weeks pregnant. Additionally I also transfer all my pennies from my main account automatically to her school account. So if I have £1500.45 in my account when I check, I'd transfer that 0.45 over as well.

Do the small things now to soften the blow a few years down the line.

Yep, even small amount now will be a lot when they turn 18. We do the same, a regular amount each month and then any money we get given for my daughter goes in there too. She's nearly got more savings than me and she's only 3!

 

[placeholder]

Thanks for the wise words you too, dont think ill dwell on the "permanet hangover feeling" too much haha. Well i report back when i have one and ill say bloody hell your right im knackered lol

Every child is different. Im 42 this year and have a child coming up 3 and one who is 5 months. I don't recognise the experience of those saying they haven't had a nights sleep for 18 months. The oldest slept through the night from 7 weeks and the new arrival has been doing 8pm - at least 6am for a few weeks now too, basically as soon as we moved him into his own room. Sure its tiring compared to having all your time as your own but its not a guaranteed total nightmare!

The one piece of advice Id give to anyone with a baby/young kids is if you get hangovers then lay off the booze because you will be up early and they make no concession for your fragile condition!!!

 

[Liquid_Entity]

I agree with placeholder that not all kids are nightmares during the night. We got both ours in to routines straight away and stuck with it. Our eldest is almost 5 and he sleeps from 7pm - 7am and has done since about 4 months old (in his own room). Our now 8 week old is feeding every 3 hours, goes down at about 7.30pm and only wakes up twice in the night for feeds around 1am and 5am.

 

[Jez]

The one piece of advice Id give to anyone with a baby/young kids is if you get hangovers then lay off the booze because you will be up early and they make no concession for your fragile condition!!!

Haha, one of the few things in this thread that i can certainly relate to. I drink rather a lot so am getting used to this, though. At 6 he is just about getting to the point where he will go away and play computer games without constant nagging.

We also have had no issues with sleeping, unless illness has been involved we have not been woken up since the <6month baby days.

 

[Skeptic]

7w scan. Big heartbeat. First baby. All the feels.

 

[Liquid_Entity]

7w scan. Big heartbeat. First baby. All the feels.

Congrats

 

[theone8181]

One thing I encourage all dads to do (if they're open to listening), is to open an investment account for their babies and invest a little bit each week. We opened an investment index tracker account as soon as we received her birth certificate and after some very generous seed money from her mum and dad, now invest an amount for her each week to be signed over to her when she's 25 (and if we did our job as parents properly, she won't run out and buy a Mclaren F1). So the equities market and compound interest has 25 years to do its thing. That'll be an insanely massive leg up for her at a young age. Something I wish my parents did instead of me having to waste my 20s working crap jobs to get by.

We've also been putting 5 bucks a week each into a 'school' account for her since my partner was 10 weeks pregnant. Additionally I also transfer all my pennies from my main account automatically to her school account. So if I have £1500.45 in my account when I check, I'd transfer that 0.45 over as well.

Do the small things now to soften the blow a few years down the line.

We've just sorted out isas for the kids for this reason. Will be roughly 650-700 going in a year (plus anything grandparents put in). I'm not sure where these things come from saying it costs hundreds of thousands of pounds to raise kids.

 

[Ev0]

Ours is 7 weeks now, he tends to sleep from around 11-12ish in the evening to about 4 in the morning in one chunk now, but then it goes downhill

Once he's had a change and a feed it's taking a while to get him back to sleep and is ofen requiring one of us to stay up with him until he nods off again which could be 6 or 7.

Then he's usually good again for a few more hours.

It's only been the last week or so it's been like this so it's going in the right direction!

What is tricky at this age is having any sort of routine, we're finding it very very hard here as rest of the time he's pretty unpredicable in what he needs and when.

Finance wise, I was planning on getting a junior ISA opened up and start to dump some money in there, as said over 18/20 years that's some compounding that'll go on.