OcUK Dadsnet thread

[RobDogDog]

I felt that way. For the first 4-6 months or so I thought something was wrong with me as I had no bond and didn't have any sort of paternal feeling. Then something changed. I don't know what the catalyst was or what caused it but it felt like overnight I just had this feeling I can't even put into words.

Anyone who makes out the whole process is full of joy is a liar. it's hard. But as much as I miss my free time and spare money, I wouldn't change it

I think I had a dose of post-natal for about 3 months. We'd just come on the backend of my Mum going through chemo too so everything built up.

We had twins born at 32 weeks who spent 5 weeks in hospital so that was fun...

It was weird as I was feeling guilty about so many things; going to work and leaving the Mrs at home, struggling with the constant crying and having to go out in the garden, not seeing friends and some of them having no idea what was going on. My head was gone as they say. Took me opening up to people to get back to normal and now, other than being tired most of the time, I'm fine haha!

The kids make me laugh everyday which is a nice feeling to have. The joy on their faces when I get back from work just can't be replicated.

 

[OG]

Our first kid has just kicked over to 18 months, in that time we've moved from Hertfordshire up to the depths of Yorkshire (Ilkley way) and looking back it's amazing how much we've managed to settle into our new family way of life. As others have said the first 5 months or so for me was just quite difficult and didn't really get 'it' but as soon as he started to interact a bit more and smile etc it all sort of clicked. He's been in nursery 2 days a week since we've moved and although we were both relatively hesitant with him going I'm so happy we pushed through, he really seems to enjoy it and compared to friends kids that aren't at nursery there does seem to be a much higher level of confidence with ours.

We decided at the beginning of this year that we'd want to start trying for another and much to our surprise (ha) my wife became pregnant the first month of trying, we're both pretty excited but it's early days yet with an expected due date not until December ish time. I guess my main concern with two is just simply the logistics, how do you bath two kids at the same time, what about bed time, mealtimes, being out the house blah blah blah . I felt the same way when I found out my wife was pregnant the first time and everything soon slotted into place.

I think me and my wife have both been fortunate that we've managed to carve out time for not just spending time together (whether that's sat in the evening actually just talking properly rather than glued to the tv) but we've also managed to allow time for each other to enjoy our hobbies. I do feel like I end up taking more time for myself and end up having to tell my wife 'go and read a book whilst I take son to the park' but that's something that we can continue to work on.

I know it's been mentioned in this thread before but we spoke with a sleep consultant (https://littlesleepstars.com/) when our kid was 8 months due to massively struggling with night wakings. It definitely hasn't been plain sailing but we're much more aware generally of why he's waking in the night and how to solve those problems rather than just getting irate with each other because we're both knackered. Yes it seems like a lot of money buut sleep is great and everything is better when everyone has slept as much as they actually need to!

 

[Junglist]

The joy on their faces when I get back from work just can't be replicated.

This is something I wasn't prepared for. When I walk in the door from work and she lights up and crawls to me at a rapid pace. Melts me everytime.

Funny weekend for us. We were adamant that we only wanted one. I was looking into getting the snip because I was confident I didn't want another... On the weekend we had a bit of a scare as my partner was late and was showing all the early symptoms of pregnancy and was late and started spotting. Exactly the same as last time... So we then had the conversation of what do we do. What was interesting was the difference in reaction from the first pregnancy to this time. There was no panic and just discussions of what to do moving forwards. Then the penny dropped, we're both a lot more open to having another than we thought.

Turns out she was just late as her period kicked in that evening but now we are seriously thinking about trying for another. Kiri only turned one on the 6th so it feels too soon right now but we also don't want to leave it so long that we get used to normal life before starting from 0 again. We said we'd revisit the idea when K is closer to 2 but suddenly the idea of having 2 isn't daunting but actually rather nice.

@OG - May I ask how old you and your wife are? We're 33 and 32. How old is too old?

This parenthood ride really changes you

 

[ci_newman]

This is something I wasn't prepared for. When I walk in the door from work and she lights up and crawls to me at a rapid pace. Melts me everytime.

Funny weekend for us. We were adamant that we only wanted one. I was looking into getting the snip because I was confident I didn't want another... On the weekend we had a bit of a scare as my partner was late and was showing all the early symptoms of pregnancy and was late and started spotting. Exactly the same as last time... So we then had the conversation of what do we do. What was interesting was the difference in reaction from the first pregnancy to this time. There was no panic and just discussions of what to do moving forwards. Then the penny dropped, we're both a lot more open to having another than we thought.

Turns out she was just late as her period kicked in that evening but now we are seriously thinking about trying for another. Kiri only turned one on the 6th so it feels too soon right now but we also don't want to leave it so long that we get used to normal life before starting from 0 again. We said we'd revisit the idea when K is closer to 2 but suddenly the idea of having 2 isn't daunting but actually rather nice.

@OG - May I ask how old you and your wife are? We're 33 and 32. How old is too old?

This parenthood ride really changes you

We aimed for a 3-year age gap between ours, mostly from a financial perspective. Improved childcare costs at the younger end and only one of them at University at a time on the other end of the scale (and it meant we had potty training and all that drama out of the way before the new baby arrived).

 

[OG]

This is something I wasn't prepared for. When I walk in the door from work and she lights up and crawls to me at a rapid pace. Melts me everytime.

Funny weekend for us. We were adamant that we only wanted one. I was looking into getting the snip because I was confident I didn't want another... On the weekend we had a bit of a scare as my partner was late and was showing all the early symptoms of pregnancy and was late and started spotting. Exactly the same as last time... So we then had the conversation of what do we do. What was interesting was the difference in reaction from the first pregnancy to this time. There was no panic and just discussions of what to do moving forwards. Then the penny dropped, we're both a lot more open to having another than we thought.

Turns out she was just late as her period kicked in that evening but now we are seriously thinking about trying for another. Kiri only turned one on the 6th so it feels too soon right now but we also don't want to leave it so long that we get used to normal life before starting from 0 again. We said we'd revisit the idea when K is closer to 2 but suddenly the idea of having 2 isn't daunting but actually rather nice.

@OG - May I ask how old you and your wife are? We're 33 and 32. How old is too old?

This parenthood ride really changes you

Sure, we're 32 and 31 so pretty close. It's well researched and publicised enough that women's fertility starts dropping after 30 and then falls off a cliff at 35, I don't really think anyone can answer 'how old is too old' it's just whatever works best for you right?

We knew we wanted two children, didn't really see any point in waiting and almost of the mindset of getting the 'messy stage' out the way together. I don't think there's a correct answer and there's a huge list of pros/cons for waiting or not waiting but it almost ends up coming down to the practicalities of things like housing/job security and health.

 

[fez]

Just had twins a little over two weeks ago and they are certainly trying at times. My poor partner is breast feeding both of them but its just relentless. We have had quite a lot of help from family and friends and we don't struggle for money or anything like that. I have no idea how some people cope when they are in a more stressful situation. You can find yourself feeding/burping/changing them and then you are starting it all over again 45 minutes later.

We had been using tiny bottles to give them bottle feeds when we could until they finally gave up the ghost (they probably weren't meant to be used for more than a couple of uses). It had been a nightmare bottle feeding them using them but I just assumed that was how it was. We threw them away and moved onto large bottles with the smallest tit and magically they were fine. Turns out the tiny bottles had 3 holes vs the 1 in the larger bottles and suddenly they weren't being waterboarded and could drink their milk at a nice pace.

You do sometimes just need to take a break. They push you to breaking point and you have no idea whats wrong sometimes. Days slip by and you have done nothing but deal with the babies. I am lucky I work from home and I'm self employed but if I wasn't I would be back at work now and my partner would be screwed.

Oh and my cat does not like the twins one bit! She is however being far more friendly than usual to me because she now has competition for my affection.

 

[robj20]

George had a big fit this morning a good 5 mins.
Phoned 999 (as told by his medical professionals) to be told a 3 hour wait for an ambulance. Told them to do one and got him in the car (when your not supposed to move then). What a dilemma though, wait see if it ends soon or risk taking him, or wait 3 hours for help.
Absolute disgrace if you ask me.

A&E aren't much better, left waiting then told as he is already under neurology and an epilepsy consultant to go home and phone them. Even when they have told us to go straight to A&E to get a scan as fast as possible.

So frustrating when no one wants to help.

 

[Junglist]

Glad you're getting on well now @fez it was hard enough with one the first few weeks let alone twins. Though I found it harder on my partner than it was for me, i was just playing backup dancer and trying to make her life as easy as possible.

@robj20 - awful situation, hope the little man is doing better now?

 

[t2na]

We had been using tiny bottles to give them bottle feeds when we could until they finally gave up the ghost (they probably weren't meant to be used for more than a couple of uses). It had been a nightmare bottle feeding them using them but I just assumed that was how it was. We threw them away and moved onto large bottles with the smallest tit and magically they were fine. Turns out the tiny bottles had 3 holes vs the 1 in the larger bottles and suddenly they weren't being waterboarded and could drink their milk at a nice pace.

The flow thing is something I hadn't even considered with bottle feeding until we had a mix of our daughter constantly spluttering whenever she was feeding or taking years to finish a small bottle. Finally figured out that you can get different teat sizes and found ones that worked well for her and then just moved her up a size when we noticed she was taking longer to finish bottles or seemed frustrated when feeding.

We're currently in that weaning stage (she's 8 months old now) and it's so fun watching them experience food for the first time.

I can agree with everyone else here that at the 6 month mark things just seemed to all 'click' and come together. We're currently about to relocate (next week) from the midlands down to the south coast so hopefully that doesn't throw everything off.

 

[ChrisD.]

Our boy is 1 now, everything is a phase, whatever challenges you face, it's a phase. When one frustrating thing they do comes to an end, something new starts.

@robj20 - I don't have many words reading that, I can only imagine what you are going through. Sorry to hear!

 

[SixTwoSix]

Do that many people work part time? Does EVERYONE have grandparents to help a majority of the time? Do people just wfh but not work after 4.30? Really can't get my head around it.

We're both working full time, I do 9:15-5:15 so I do the school drop off, my wife does 7-2:30 so does the pickup. She has to be in office one day a week so we use the after school club for a single day for an hour. We haven't got a single support mechanism for help outside of the school club but luckily we managed to align our jobs for our sons school needs.

 

[DanTheMan]

We both work full time too, however I have flexi time and wfh a lot of the time. My wife also wfh 4 days a week, so it's quite easily manageable.

Our daughter was in full time nursery from 10 months and at first I felt really guilty but there's definitely a noticeable difference in development with the children who were around a lot of other children from an early age, specifically those who were in nursery. Not necessarily academically but their social skills and confidence are more developed.

Our daughter is 6 now and the nappies and sleepless nights seems like a very distant memory. I definitely couldn't imagine going through it all again.

 

[SixTwoSix]

Our daughter was in full time nursery from 10 months and at first I felt really guilty but there's definitely a noticeable difference in development with the children who were around a lot of other children from an early age, specifically those who were in nursery. Not necessarily academically but their social skills and confidence are more developed.

Agreed - there is a stark and clearly observable night and day difference in the children that attended nursery/reception and the children that only started school at year 1.

 

[willhub]

Anyone find that their little one when they got walking and you were comfortable with them outside maybe on reins they could walk until their legs dropped off? My Oliver he used to walk and walk until a month or do ago then just started been inactive, he walks for maybe 10 meters and insists on getting picked up, put him down again after few mins and nope he's not having it.

The bright side is I get to the coffee shop and I can actually have a drink without him screaming to get out and run circle's.

He's 20 months old now, normal at this age?

 

[Haggisman]

Anyone find that their little one when they got walking and you were comfortable with them outside maybe on reins they could walk until their legs dropped off?

Yup! We have a little grassy area on the corner of our road, and as soon as he got home from the childminder, he would go and grab his shoes, and stand by the door calling for us, and then want to walk around the grass over, and over, and over... etc.

As you say though, they get over it after a while

 

[alchal]

Anyone find that their little one when they got walking and you were comfortable with them outside maybe on reins they could walk until their legs dropped off? My Oliver he used to walk and walk until a month or do ago then just started been inactive, he walks for maybe 10 meters and insists on getting picked up, put him down again after few mins and nope he's not having it.

The bright side is I get to the coffee shop and I can actually have a drink without him screaming to get out and run circle's.

He's 20 months old now, normal at this age?

As soon as my girl starting being comfortable walking outside all I get is 'uppa ,uppa, uppa, uppa'
Only time she will walk is if we don't go the way she wants or is after something.

My niece was exactly the same.

 

[OG]

Anyone got any sensible suggestions for travel sleeping things for an 18 month old?

He's now comfortably outgrown the travel cot we have for him (I mean we could wedge him in a bit but seems a bit mean) and we've got a few stays coming up over summer. Suggestions from family have ranged from a travel air bed to just bringing a spare travel mattress to sleeping sofa cushions on the floor

So I open it up to some hopefully more sensible suggestions, it does looks like toddler specific airbeds are a thing? We'd be going away for a week at a time, would either have room in the bedroom me+wife are sleeping in or in a separate room that would have a single bed etc.

 

[ci_newman]

Use a normal single bed but get one of those collapsible / foldable sides to travel with. Something like this:

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Safety-1st-Portable-Compact-Children/dp/B0187EEUL0/ref=asc_df_B0187EEUL0/

 

[tom_e]

I'm that tired I now fully understand why some people end up having breakdowns with newborns.

Being a walking zombie and getting screamed at continuously for no obvious reason is hard work!

 

[theone8181]

I'm that tired I now fully understand why some people end up having breakdowns with newborns.

Being a walking zombie and getting screamed at continuously for no obvious reason is hard work!

It's very hard to explain if someone's not gone through it. We had a period of my son coming through for ages and it really disrupted my sleep, felt like I'd slept for years the first night he stayed in his bed lol.