OcUK Dadsnet thread

The Funktopus said:
Been awake since 1.00, and no sign of her giving in, despite trying every trick both & I my wife know to get her to go to sleep. It’s been every night now, for weeks.

Honestly don’t know why we inflict this on ourselves, it’s just not worth it. Yes, there are the bright moments, but they’re moments in what I can only describe as a miserable grind. When I weigh the bad against the good, the bad outweighs the good, and it’s not a small margin. Knowing what I know, if I could travel back to before the pregnancy, it wouldn’t have happened.
Click to expand...
Had the same experience with both of our kids, neither slept until just over 3 years old, it's just normal for some kids.

The grind does get better. The funny thing is the tiredness stops you remembering the really bad times (we almost got divorced and I've never been so angry and broken as when we had our first) and you end up going back for more.

Make sure to ask for help, talk to each other honestly, try and break the cycle of suffering. I'd never understood how anyone could hurt a child until becoming a parent and in some of the really dark moments I could understand it, it's hard to admit, but the tiredness/anger/desperation is overwhelming.

The biggest thing that made a difference for me was actually trying not to fix the "problem", accepting the suck, giving up on the things that I was missing rather than getting frustrated by trying to keep life normal, that let some of the anger fall away.
 
Last edited:
Two weeks into having my first child, I've a step daughter who's 7.
The lack of sleep isn't an issue, previous and current work roles have got me used to cracking on and dealing with it, I do wonder how much it'll change things going forward though.
Not necessarily in a bad way, but just how different things will be.
Must say I'm enjoying it, weird having a little mini me to look after, he was a big lump at 9lbs, but he's getting on for 11lbs already and is out of newborn clothes.

Bath time now.
 
413x said:
Its also dangerous to convince people it'll be great if they won't make good parents. Not everyone will. And seeing the gloss you get on social media does no one any favours
Click to expand...

This is the human condition really. Just lying. Its one of the reason I really hate the current idea that positivity is great and negativity is awful. You need an honest balance and people need to be tougher to be able to take criticism and either take it on board or ignore it.

What I find interesting is that honestly I don't know that there is that strong a correlation between how much someone wants kids and how good a parent they are. At the extreme ends, yes probably but I know plenty that were desperate for kids and now they have them they don't make an effort to really bond with them or raise them well. I think they liked the idea of kids but didn't realise how much work it is.

I think being a parent is something you cannot really understand until you are one and then you have to deal with your emotions on the subject. I never wanted kids but came around to the idea on the proviso that I wasn't going to spend every waking moment revolving my life around them. Weekends wouldn't be spent at grandparents houses and I wouldn't be going to a million birthday parties on my weekends. I like my hobbies and need alone time.

Now they are here I am perfectly happy to give up as much of my time as I can to them as long as I get some time off.

Minstadave said:
Make sure to ask for help, talk to each other honestly, try and break the cycle of suffering. I'd never understood how anyone could hurt a child until becoming a parent and in some of the really dark moments I could understand it, it's hard to admit, but the tiredness/anger/desperation is overwhelming.
Click to expand...

Yeah, its horrible to admit but I have been more rough than I should have been when they take you to your absolute limit. I've had to put them down and walk away. You then feel absolutely awful straight away and want a hole to swallow you up.
 
tom_e said:
My wife got quite upset with me probably about 3 months ago because she asked me if I felt like a dad yet and I said no, I hadn't really bonded with baby
Click to expand...

This is super important. I may have even posted in this thread closer to our daughters birth as it was something I struggled with.

For our partners, they're growing these little creeps in them. It literally feels like them and they have several months of feeling this thing move around inside of them, Our first interaction with them is when they get into the world. My underlying thought when I first saw her was "I don't know you and I don't love you... Who TF are you?!". I felt beyond rubbish. I thought it was all stemming back to where I never wanted kids and I thought it was where I was just a selfish individual.

People are very quick to keep these feelings close to their chest in fear of being labelled as something unsavoury but lets face it. As dads we are very much back-up dancers for the first few months. Our role is to support our partner cause the babies sure as **** don't want to know us and how can you love something that doesn't want to be comforted by yourself?

I went on a bike ride with my friend who has 2 daughters. Must've been a few weeks after our daughter was born. I explained how I felt and he just laughed it off "Oh boy... I've been there". That conversation made me feel so much better. I wasn't some monster incapable of loving their own child. It was a pretty normal experience.

I'd say for myself the 6-7 month marker was when things just clicked. My emotional feeling towards her went into hyperdrive and I became obsessed. It was at that point something in my brain went "holy ****... I love being a dad... why didn't I do this sooner?". The mental flick is something I wasn't prepared for. Suddenly I want another one. Never saw it coming.

Parenthood changes you, no doubt about it. I'm different to how I was 19 months ago and I bet I'll be a different beast in another 19 months, we are all on a crazy, tiring but damn crazy, journey.

Something I didn't realise. I look at my partner in a different light now. She's super-woman (as I'm sure all of our significant others are!) she makes the impossible seem possible and I'm always in awe. At the birth I didn't feel too much (I guess being up for 30+ hours will do that to you) but I remember having this really powerful feeling seeing my partner and child there. Something I can't put into words but if you could put a figure on 'love' that number shot off into space.
 
Last edited:
fez said:
This is the human condition really. Just lying. Its one of the reason I really hate the current idea that positivity is great and negativity is awful. You need an honest balance and people need to be tougher to be able to take criticism and either take it on board or ignore it.

What I find interesting is that honestly I don't know that there is that strong a correlation between how much someone wants kids and how good a parent they are. At the extreme ends, yes probably but I know plenty that were desperate for kids and now they have them they don't make an effort to really bond with them or raise them well. I think they liked the idea of kids but didn't realise how much work it is.

I think being a parent is something you cannot really understand until you are one and then you have to deal with your emotions on the subject. I never wanted kids but came around to the idea on the proviso that I wasn't going to spend every waking moment revolving my life around them. Weekends wouldn't be spent at grandparents houses and I wouldn't be going to a million birthday parties on my weekends. I like my hobbies and need alone time.

Now they are here I am perfectly happy to give up as much of my time as I can to them as long as I get some time off.



Yeah, its horrible to admit but I have been more rough than I should have been when they take you to your absolute limit. I've had to put them down and walk away. You then feel absolutely awful straight away and want a hole to swallow you up.
Click to expand...

Yeah absolutely.
Its crazy really. Think of all the licencing and training you need to drive a car, all the paper work and checks to buy a house. But having children, anyone can do.

Its a shame you can't really try before you buy. But for many it's instinct and it's going to happen come what may. It's not really something you can truly simulate

I'm sure most people truly do love it. Even if it takes a while to bond. I've always known I couldn't cope for example. But I didn't have the instinctual draw that many have.

Its not usually a rational choice.

I literally cannot imagine how hard it is. I find day to day hard enough (ie getting a cleaner) with a dog.

I'm amazed and impressed as many can cope as they do. As some people know nothing about fiance and planning yet manage to have decent kids. I'm especially in awe of single parents.

How my mum coped with us 3 kids when she was single with dad awol I'll never know!
 
Last edited:
413x said:
Its crazy really. Think of all the licencing and training you need to drive a car, all the paper work and checks to buy a house. But having children, anyone can do.
Click to expand...
Me and my wife still find it mental that she gave birth to our daughter on one evening, then within 24 hours they were like 'ok, you can go home now!' and suddenly you're just now responsible for this ACTUAL child. Madness.
 
Last edited:
413x said:
Its crazy really. Think of all the licencing and training you need to drive a car, all the paper work and checks to buy a house. But having children, anyone can do.
Click to expand...

I mean, when you compare it to adopting its just absolutely baffling really. Adoption they scrutinise you to within an inch of your life but have biologically yours children and its all good. Neglect them, raise them poorly and barring something absolutely terrible its all good. Personally I think that bad/lazy parenting is responsible for about 95% of societies problems and people should 100% be able to be sterilised but thats a topic for another day! :p

Junglist said:
You don't really have a choice, you just have to get on with it.
Click to expand...

I think this is the heart of it. You just get on with it and you realise that people talk absolute crap when they say "I don't have time for X, Y and Z". Most people waste hours a night in front of the TV. Probably to the tune of 20-30+ hours a week for most and then complain they have no time. You get used to be tired and operating tired. Your body and mind adapts to a certain extent. You replace all the down time you had before with baby stuff and you crack on.
 
fez said:
I mean, when you compare it to adopting its just absolutely baffling really. Adoption they scrutinise you to within an inch of your life but have biologically yours children and its all good. Neglect them, raise them poorly and barring something absolutely terrible its all good. Personally I think that bad/lazy parenting is responsible for about 95% of societies problems and people should 100% be able to be sterilised but thats a topic for another day! :p



I think this is the heart of it. You just get on with it and you realise that people talk absolute crap when they say "I don't have time for X, Y and Z". Most people waste hours a night in front of the TV. Probably to the tune of 20-30+ hours a week for most and then complain they have no time. You get used to be tired and operating tired. Your body and mind adapts to a certain extent. You replace all the down time you had before with baby stuff and you crack on.
Click to expand...

Absolutely. I know from a friend how hard it's been to adopt.
I mean even with my dog, we got him from abroad as UK adoption was too difficult. But breeder? Just hand over a wad of cash and it's done.

I guess that's what happens as soon as someone is liable!
 
Last edited:
Minstadave said:
Had the same experience with both of our kids, neither slept until just over 3 years old, it's just normal for some kids.

The grind does get better. The funny thing is the tiredness stops you remembering the really bad times (we almost got divorced and I've never been so angry and broken as when we had our first) and you end up going back for more.

Make sure to ask for help, talk to each other honestly, try and break the cycle of suffering. I'd never understood how anyone could hurt a child until becoming a parent and in some of the really dark moments I could understand it, it's hard to admit, but the tiredness/anger/desperation is overwhelming.

The biggest thing that made a difference for me was actually trying not to fix the "problem", accepting the suck, giving up on the things that I was missing rather than getting frustrated by trying to keep life normal, that let some of the anger fall away.
Click to expand...
You make it sound absolutely terrible! And you would be 100% correct, my sentiments are the same
 
ChrisD. said:
Our boy (19 months) is leaking nearly every night now. We've been using Fred & Flo nappies since around 2 months and never really had an issue, and during the day he's fine. We've been recommended Pampers nighttime ones, are there any other ones (don't care about the brand!) worth looking at?
Click to expand...
Wife came home with some Pampers nighttime pull ups and for the first time in a while no leaks!
 
ChrisD. said:
Wife came home with some Pampers nighttime pull ups and for the first time in a while no leaks!
Click to expand...

Yeah they are amazing.

Use Aldi ones during the day, can't afford the pull ups for everyday use, but they are pretty good, just not ' will she last a night ' good
 
Last edited:
alchal said:
Yeah they are amazing.

Use Aldi ones during the day, can't afford the pull ups for everyday use, but they are pretty good, just not ' will she last a night ' good
Click to expand...
We've been using Fred & Flo for the day and with the exception of the occasional leak (to be expected I guess with any nappy/brand) they've been fine & are cheap, just for the past few weeks nearly every night there's been an issue.
 
Thinking of getting the chickenpox vaccine for the little one, never knew it existed until I heard it in the radio today !
Apparently pushing for NHS availability now I believe.

Save some trouble later on, but 200 odd quid ! At the moment, Ouch.....
 
Last edited:
alchal said:
Thinking of getting the chickenpox vaccine for the little one, never knew it existed until I heard it in the radio today !
Apparently pushing for NHS availability now I believe.

Save some trouble later on, but 200 odd quid ! At the moment, Ouch.....
Click to expand...
Me either. I assume it's like getting chickenpox so your 'safe' as an adult (iirc getting chickenpox as an adult for the first time can be quite serious).
 
www.nhs.uk

Chickenpox vaccine

Find out about the chickenpox vaccine, including who can get it on the NHS, how to get it and what the side effects are.
www.nhs.uk www.nhs.uk


Being exposed to chickenpox as an adult (for example, through contact with infected children) boosts your immunity to shingles.

If you vaccinate children against chickenpox, you lose this natural boosting, so immunity in adults will drop and more shingles cases will occur.

Dunno why you need a vaccine for something that we've just allowed to circulate naturally for a long time. Chickenpox party if your that worried.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top Bottom