Caporegime
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- 8 Jan 2004
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We left 5 years as wasn't sure about having a second and it was a bit too long if I'm honest.
OcUK Dadsnet thread
- Thread starter Devrij
- Start date
There's a 6 year gap between me and my sister which definitely feels like too much, we're not particularly close probably as she was getting to sort of 11/12 I was already off to uni and therefore we never really spent a lot of time together when we were less children and slightly more grown up if that makes sense.
There's a 13 year gap between my daughter and her step sister so that's definitely going to be a weird one
There's a 13 year gap between my daughter and her step sister so that's definitely going to be a weird one
Thanks gents. I was thinking a 2-3 year gap would be best as then when they're closer to 3 we'd be able to reason with her a bit more and then look after baby. Someone I know has a 1 year old and she's already in her third trimester!! But they knew they wanted 2 from the get go and just smashed it out.
I don't think I'd want to go much beyond 3 years though. The horrors of it all will still be in our mind so it wont be as bad as getting out of it then getting back in.
I can certainly relate to the age gap. I'm 9 years older than my Sister and 11 years older than my Brother and I don't feel all that close to them but the pair of them have a bond that I am quite jealous of. So I'm very conscious of not wanting too big of a age gap between them if we do go that route.
All of my female friends have said the same. It's often too soon to be thinking of a 2nd now but soon enough my something will change in my partners brain where she 'forgets' all the bad stuff and wants to have another. We will see, right now she's torn because she feels like she's being selfish putting herself first as not wanting to go through pregnancy again but I keep telling her that it's her body and she has the final say
I don't think I'd want to go much beyond 3 years though. The horrors of it all will still be in our mind so it wont be as bad as getting out of it then getting back in.
I can certainly relate to the age gap. I'm 9 years older than my Sister and 11 years older than my Brother and I don't feel all that close to them but the pair of them have a bond that I am quite jealous of. So I'm very conscious of not wanting too big of a age gap between them if we do go that route.
All of my female friends have said the same. It's often too soon to be thinking of a 2nd now but soon enough my something will change in my partners brain where she 'forgets' all the bad stuff and wants to have another. We will see, right now she's torn because she feels like she's being selfish putting herself first as not wanting to go through pregnancy again but I keep telling her that it's her body and she has the final say
Soldato
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- 14 Aug 2008
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Been awake since 1.00, and no sign of her giving in, despite trying every trick both & I my wife know to get her to go to sleep. It’s been every night now, for weeks.
Honestly don’t know why we inflict this on ourselves, it’s just not worth it. Yes, there are the bright moments, but they’re moments in what I can only describe as a miserable grind. When I weigh the bad against the good, the bad outweighs the good, and it’s not a small margin. Knowing what I know, if I could travel back to before the pregnancy, it wouldn’t have happened.
Honestly don’t know why we inflict this on ourselves, it’s just not worth it. Yes, there are the bright moments, but they’re moments in what I can only describe as a miserable grind. When I weigh the bad against the good, the bad outweighs the good, and it’s not a small margin. Knowing what I know, if I could travel back to before the pregnancy, it wouldn’t have happened.
Associate
- Joined
- 20 Oct 2002
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- Northampton
Feel bad for you there, my toddler can be a crazy little guy through the day, having issues with potty training and throwing items all over the show, but the one area im very thankful is that he has no issues with sleep, sleeps all night long even after moving from a cot into a big bed. i would struggle to deal with that as well.
Man up, its a short blip
A few weeks does not make up a lifetime.
Always have periods of total suckage, we had 3 months of having to wake up feed and put back to sleep our little one every few hours as she wasn't eating right and not gaining weight, that was hard and then an inguinal hernia on top of that...
Last few weeks she wouldn't settle at night and was unwell and very little sleep resulted.
As a parent unfortunately you wave your right to sleep..
You will get through it, but it will be hard as nails that's for sure, but at the end it will be worth it.
Do you have family who could help? We didn't but if we did have family available I'd have got them involved.
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Our boy (19 months) is leaking nearly every night now. We've been using Fred & Flo nappies since around 2 months and never really had an issue, and during the day he's fine. We've been recommended Pampers nighttime ones, are there any other ones (don't care about the brand!) worth looking at?
we have 4 years between our two, we wanted to make sure our daughter was in school first as I didn't have the stomach (or financial ability) to pay for two lots of childcare. In hindsight I underplayed the wraparound costs that we pay for school so in reality it wouldn't have made much difference between having the 30 hours at 3+ years.
We're having a bit of a nightmare with our 8 year old daughter at the moment, she has become progressively more and more fussy in recent years with food but we always could find food that she would eat. Couple of weeks ago she went completely off pretty much all food saying that she struggles to swallow, looked at her throat and her tonsils were swollen so we thought she had tonsillitis and would just need a few days to get past it, she was otherwise fine. She seemed to improve for a week and then back downhill over the last 7 days, also complaining of tummy ache which I wonder if it is hunger or perhaps an intolerance. Cut to the weekend and I've caught her out going to the toilet and spitting food out, so the small portions that I thought she had been eating in reality I don't think she has at all so I'm at the point of considering the beginnings of an eating disorder. Really beating myself up for not just going to the gp's when it all started to go downhill a few weeks ago. Have an appointment this morning though so I'll see how it goes.
We use a larger size at night than we do during the day which helps and we never really see many night leaks - but we use Aldi as they've always worked great for us.
Other option is doubling up... Normal size - then a larger one over the top.
We already do use a larger size than his day time nappy, haven't considered doubling up though.
The first few months were super tough because they take everything and give you nothing but once they are smiling and happy its magical. Honestly, having kids has been the best thing I have ever done even if sometimes it doesn't feel that way. A mate said that they make your life 10x harder and 100x better which sounds about right.
Our little ones have a cough and have generally been a bit under the weather for the past week so I haven't had good sleep and my partner has had utterly **** sleep. Its heartbreaking to see them so sad when you can't do anything about it.
@The Funktopus, its really hard when you are tired, they are screaming and nothing you do helps. In fact its bloody miserable. These things pass though. I really struggled not to get angry with the boys at times and I felt really bad when I did but you have to remember that babies have no malice in them. They are input and output. If they are sad or uncomfortable they cry. Sometimes you can help and other times all you can do it try. Being a good parent is making sure you try.
Our little ones have a cough and have generally been a bit under the weather for the past week so I haven't had good sleep and my partner has had utterly **** sleep. Its heartbreaking to see them so sad when you can't do anything about it.
@The Funktopus, its really hard when you are tired, they are screaming and nothing you do helps. In fact its bloody miserable. These things pass though. I really struggled not to get angry with the boys at times and I felt really bad when I did but you have to remember that babies have no malice in them. They are input and output. If they are sad or uncomfortable they cry. Sometimes you can help and other times all you can do it try. Being a good parent is making sure you try.
It's going to sound cliché and I'm sure where you are now, you absolutely do not see the light at the end of the tunnel, but trust us all; it is there
It's important to know how you're feeling isn't unique to you and doesn't reflect on your ability to be a fantastic parent, as I'm sure you already are. It's hard and even though everyone tells you it's hard, you don't appreciate how hard it is until you're in it.
It's a challenge and it challenges everything about you and the stress it can put on a relationship? Never had a challenge like this before. Both myself and my partner are ****** by the end of the day and even just finding time for ourselves seems like a myth.
Give it a few weeks/months and you will absolutely not feel like that. Getting home and seeing my daughter smile and shout 'DADDY' when I open the door? I'd crawl through miles of excrement to get that greeting. Nothing in life compares.
I never, ever, wanted to be a parent. I'm too selfish. When I found out my partner was pregnant it was on the tip of my tongue to ask "so what we gonna do?" i.e.. "we're getting an abortion right?". Though knowing what I know now, I actually feel sorry for people without kids. They complete your life in a way I didn't know was possible.
We're speaking about it a lot at the moment. I think my partner is keen for another but isn't keen on pregnancy again. She's, in her mind, just getting back into shape and doing PBs on her runs again. She really doesn't want to lose that.
Hope it all works out but the last thing you should be doing is beating yourself up.
Got to echo all of the above. Our daughter is just over 7 months old and I've really struggled with the broken sleep and trying to get everything into a day while feeling like a zombie. I still am to a degree and I was of a very similar mindset not that long ago in as much as "This is literally hell on earth, I wish we'd never had her".
Recently though now that she's getting more to the age where she recognises people, is starting to develop her personality and become more interactive I do forget all of that when she starts smiling and getting all excited when she sees me coming.
Don't get me wrong when she goes back to having a bad night and has me awake 2 hours after I've nodded off and I've got work at 6am I'm still very unhappy about it but those times are quickly forgotten when she's smiling and laughing again.
Recently though now that she's getting more to the age where she recognises people, is starting to develop her personality and become more interactive I do forget all of that when she starts smiling and getting all excited when she sees me coming.
Don't get me wrong when she goes back to having a bad night and has me awake 2 hours after I've nodded off and I've got work at 6am I'm still very unhappy about it but those times are quickly forgotten when she's smiling and laughing again.
Can 100% agree on this, nothing compares to that feeling.
When I pick my daughter up from nursery and she'll be playing with something, she'll turn around and spot me and then it's like the most excited and happiest face you'll ever see. You just feel so overwhelmingly happy - and it almost makes you forget that a few months ago she was awake multiple times in the night, or had sick all over me or coughed directly in my face.
I love nursery pickup for that reason but I absolutely hate nursery drop off. She gets a bit sad at drop off despite having such a good time there.
I'm just a softie who hates seeing her even a bit upset.
What people always forget about being a parent is that there are a lot of absolute pillocks out there who are also parents. Don't listen to 80% of what you are told because its complete rubbish. "Oh when I first saw my childs face it was love at first sight and its only ever got better" etc etc.
The vast majority of people I know who are honest admit that its hard work, rewarding at times and soul crushing at other times. I didn't feel that much love for mine until they started to reciprocate some of the energy I put into them. They are fundamentally little parasites. Once they start giving back to you though its wonderful. Until that point...I could take it or leave it quite a lot of the time.
Treat parents wankery as if it was on facebook or Instagram (quite often it is). Its lies. Its people who want to project an image and paint themselves as perfect and wonderful and in my life experience, the people who are desperate to tell the world how wonderful things are are usually the most miserable. Like the parents that say "my kids are my wurld!!!" and then neglect them apart from spending loads of money on them at christmas.
One thing that I didn't expect was that I actually like babies in general a lot more now. Never had any interest in kids and babies were OK but now you will have to take that baby back from me to stop me playing with it!
The vast majority of people I know who are honest admit that its hard work, rewarding at times and soul crushing at other times. I didn't feel that much love for mine until they started to reciprocate some of the energy I put into them. They are fundamentally little parasites. Once they start giving back to you though its wonderful. Until that point...I could take it or leave it quite a lot of the time.
Treat parents wankery as if it was on facebook or Instagram (quite often it is). Its lies. Its people who want to project an image and paint themselves as perfect and wonderful and in my life experience, the people who are desperate to tell the world how wonderful things are are usually the most miserable. Like the parents that say "my kids are my wurld!!!" and then neglect them apart from spending loads of money on them at christmas.
One thing that I didn't expect was that I actually like babies in general a lot more now. Never had any interest in kids and babies were OK but now you will have to take that baby back from me to stop me playing with it!
100% this, when you actually talk to people especially other dads in the real world without the veneer of everything being great most people have mirrored the bad feelings I've had and it feels so much better knowing that it's basically normal.
My wife got quite upset with me probably about 3 months ago because she asked me if I felt like a dad yet and I said no, I hadn't really bonded with baby because I was just trying to keep afloat with work and all the other life stuff that can't just stop while she has obviously been with her pretty much 24/7 since she was born. I'd already done some reading and told her it's not that unusual for dads to feel the way I did well up until 6+ months because in most cases our focus is on everything that isn't the baby (to a degree).
Like I said it's massively improved recently even though there are still days when I look at the empty bank account while propping my eyes open remembering that once I finish work my other job starts that I feel pretty down but those days are becoming fewer and fewer.
I am lucky or unlucky depending on how you look at it. I work from home so I get to spend far more time with my two than many do. Makes work hard and I am often working deep into the evening after they are in bed but it does mean I could bond with them more.
My partner struggled for a while because its 10x harder on a mum. Everything you see is selling you the perfect version of a mum. My partner didn't feel love for them for quite a while because she was constantly worried about them and was getting no sleep. She was then feeling awful because she hadn't bonded with them. Things are waaay better now but for a while it was hard.
Its also dangerous to convince people it'll be great if they won't make good parents. Not everyone will. And seeing the gloss you get on social media does no one any favours
I think its easier for guys to talk to guys about this. I can't imagine how hard it would be for a mum to express difficulties connecting with baby to other mums. I expect there's a lot of shaming.
Its the biggest decision anyone can make. And you're responsible for providing and caring and teaching a person who will have a huge affect on your life/relationship and potentially the world (good or bad).
I feel sorry for @The Funktopus. It can't be easy especially when everyone talks about how great it is. I hope you manage to find happiness. I'm sure you will.
I have a probably soon to be dad who kind of has agreed with his partner she will do 90pc of the work (as he doesn't really want one). Personally I think that's wrong and I hope he comes round to it.
Because having an absent dad myself, I don't even bother to see him. Luckily it doesn't bother me. But I know it really damages a lot of people.
Its not possible for everyone to bond with there children. There must be exceptions. Maybe it's more common than we know about. It's one thing talking about it on a faceless forum (it's why this place is so great)