OcUK Dadsnet thread

Arsonist said:
So, not really sure this will be a concise message as I'm drowning my worries with gin at the moment. But...

Long distance girlfriend of 3 years rang me this morning to let me know she is 4 weeks pregnant. We've always used contraception as a matter of course. I'm absolutely not ready for a child but she's says she is absolutely keeping it.

I'm 28 and she is 25. We live 150 miles apart and see each other every 1/2 weeks, and have never even lived together. But i've always known I'll spend the rest of my life with her, and we'd planned for her to eventually move to where I live, buy a house, get married and then do the kid thing in a few years. But this has taken the wind out my sails.

I'm in a permanent job in the north west and have a masters degree but only earn 20k (it's a low paid sector as we do it for the love of the job and its over subscribed). I have about 20k savings but I was really hoping to use this to get a house eventually.

I've told her honest how I feel, I currently don't earn enough, we live far apart, I'm emotionally not ready etc. But she's had medical problems previously which means her getting pregnant is unlikely. So she's absolutely set on keeping it.

I'm 100% going to stick by her, I love her and want to spend the rest of my life with her, but I feel like I've just lost the life I hoped to live. I almost feel like I'm in mourning and it's horrible as this is supposed to be an amazing thing. God damn im terrified and don't know what to think or do or say or feel. I don't expect any helpful comments or consolations or anything, but I just needed to write this down. Sorry if you've endured reading this up to now.
Click to expand...

It is life changing, no doubt about that. But hey, if you planned to anyway then it doesn't really matter whether it is now or later as the kids and a family are by far the most important thing to ever happen in your life.

Don't worry about the money or job, that will still come but may just take a little while longer.

You keep saving for a house, keep following your dreams, just factor in the family and adjust your time frames a little.

It's a wonderful thing, and if you truly love her and she you then you'll be the happiest guy in the world when baby comes, regardless of house or job.

Congratulations, I hope you make it work for yourself. Don't worry, you'll be fine :)
 
booyaka said:
Nothing you read can prepare you for being a dad - roll with it, do what comes naturally and you'll be fine.
Click to expand...
Yeh that's how I've been for the past 6 months, no worries, no concerns, I know ill be fine. However, we've had some complications over the past 2 weeks which have knocked me a bit and I wish I knew more about those before they happened. The next 3 months will be touch and go where I could lose my little baby, or my wife, or both. Which is something else entirely. So yeh, that's made me feel like I need to be more prepared and knowledgeable. Hope that makes sense.
 
Arsonist said:
So, not really sure this will be a concise message as I'm drowning my worries with gin at the moment. But...

Long distance girlfriend of 3 years rang me this morning to let me know she is 4 weeks pregnant. We've always used contraception as a matter of course. I'm absolutely not ready for a child but she's says she is absolutely keeping it.

I'm 28 and she is 25. We live 150 miles apart and see each other every 1/2 weeks, and have never even lived together. But i've always known I'll spend the rest of my life with her, and we'd planned for her to eventually move to where I live, buy a house, get married and then do the kid thing in a few years. But this has taken the wind out my sails.

I'm in a permanent job in the north west and have a masters degree but only earn 20k (it's a low paid sector as we do it for the love of the job and its over subscribed). I have about 20k savings but I was really hoping to use this to get a house eventually.

I've told her honest how I feel, I currently don't earn enough, we live far apart, I'm emotionally not ready etc. But she's had medical problems previously which means her getting pregnant is unlikely. So she's absolutely set on keeping it.

I'm 100% going to stick by her, I love her and want to spend the rest of my life with her, but I feel like I've just lost the life I hoped to live. I almost feel like I'm in mourning and it's horrible as this is supposed to be an amazing thing. God damn im terrified and don't know what to think or do or say or feel. I don't expect any helpful comments or consolations or anything, but I just needed to write this down. Sorry if you've endured reading this up to now.
Click to expand...

If you love her and she loves you, then roll with it. Stop with the "plans", life will pass you by whilst you're making them otherwise.
 
NVP said:
OK thanks, will give that a look :)

So far these seem to be more my style but not sure if they're actually beneficial.
Click to expand...

I liked the baby owners manual (some useful tips on how to swaddle a baby and other practical stuff). Generally speaking within a week of feeling like you're blagging it you're officially a qualified dad though.
 
NVP said:
Yeh that's how I've been for the past 6 months, no worries, no concerns, I know ill be fine. However, we've had some complications over the past 2 weeks which have knocked me a bit and I wish I knew more about those before they happened. The next 3 months will be touch and go where I could lose my little baby, or my wife, or both. Which is something else entirely. So yeh, that's made me feel like I need to be more prepared and knowledgeable. Hope that makes sense.
Click to expand...

Trust me your address - I've got a book that I was given years back - you can have it.
 
Arsonist said:
So, not really sure this will be a concise message as I'm drowning my worries with gin at the moment. But...

Long distance girlfriend of 3 years rang me this morning to let me know she is 4 weeks pregnant. We've always used contraception as a matter of course. I'm absolutely not ready for a child but she's says she is absolutely keeping it.

I'm 28 and she is 25. We live 150 miles apart and see each other every 1/2 weeks, and have never even lived together. But i've always known I'll spend the rest of my life with her, and we'd planned for her to eventually move to where I live, buy a house, get married and then do the kid thing in a few years. But this has taken the wind out my sails.

I'm in a permanent job in the north west and have a masters degree but only earn 20k (it's a low paid sector as we do it for the love of the job and its over subscribed). I have about 20k savings but I was really hoping to use this to get a house eventually.

I've told her honest how I feel, I currently don't earn enough, we live far apart, I'm emotionally not ready etc. But she's had medical problems previously which means her getting pregnant is unlikely. So she's absolutely set on keeping it.

I'm 100% going to stick by her, I love her and want to spend the rest of my life with her, but I feel like I've just lost the life I hoped to live. I almost feel like I'm in mourning and it's horrible as this is supposed to be an amazing thing. God damn im terrified and don't know what to think or do or say or feel. I don't expect any helpful comments or consolations or anything, but I just needed to write this down. Sorry if you've endured reading this up to now.
Click to expand...

You'll be absolutely fine buddy. Just enjoy every moment. Yes of course it is life changing and will no doubt have an impact on your shorter term plans (next 5 years), but once that is out the way you'll be back on track in no time at all.

I am 29 now and my little girl is 2 1/2, I wouldn't change it for the world. I actually feel like it had far lesser impact that I would have assumed. We just take her along everywhere we go and crack on as normal :)

Trust me, once your little bundle of joy enters the big wide world, you'll forget all about your own worries :)
 
NVP said:
Any decent books for first time Dad's?
Click to expand...

I read a few but found them to be patronising claptrap.

I'd highly recommend doing the NCT course though. The content of the course is mostly nonsense but you'll meet people in the same boat as you. I found being able to speak to other dads going through the same thing to be useful and comforting.
 
Arsonist said:
I'm 100% going to stick by her, I love her and want to spend the rest of my life with her, but I feel like I've just lost the life I hoped to live. I almost feel like I'm in mourning and it's horrible as this is supposed to be an amazing thing. God damn im terrified and don't know what to think or do or say or feel. I don't expect any helpful comments or consolations or anything, but I just needed to write this down. Sorry if you've endured reading this up to now.
Click to expand...

I have a little boy who recently turned 7 months old, it was a long road for us to get pregnant and we were eventually successful due to IVF (thanks NHS!). Even though we were both totally committed to having a child the first 5 months or so have been incredibly difficult, to the point at which I felt that I had runined my life and ruined the relationship that I have with my wife.

Fortunately, like everyone says, it does get easier and I now feel quite content with my lot. My advice for you would be to commit 110% to the pregnancy and child, as although your life as you know it will be completely changed (no free time, hobbies, money etc) it will be replaced by something that it wonderful and deeply fulfilling.
 
Tunney said:
I read a few but found them to be patronising claptrap.

I'd highly recommend doing the NCT course though. The content of the course is mostly nonsense but you'll meet people in the same boat as you. I found being able to speak to other dads going through the same thing to be useful and comforting.
Click to expand...

With regards books:
Commando Dad

I just read all of the new baby section over the past week and it's really good for someone who ain't done none of this before but it puts a military twist on everything which just adds an element of comedy to it which is nice and made me smile. It's written by a bloke who was in the army but now has 3 children so it's all from his own experience.

Regarding NCT courses.... I didn't even know of it, first of me hearing of NCT. I found our local one on Facebook, they have their own page, but nothing about courses they just have a "bump and baby" meet every week. What is the course, or did you guys just go to their weekly meetings in your area?
 
xdcx said:
What is the course, or did you guys just go to their weekly meetings in your area?
Click to expand...

We did a short three session course a couple of months before due date. It taught about childbirth and your first few weeks with the new baby.

I can't remember much of course detail two years later but we're still in contact with the other parents we met on the course. The dads meet up for a beer occasionally and discuss our trials and tribulations. It's good therapy. :)
 
Tunney said:
We did a short three session course a couple of months before due date. It taught about childbirth and your first few weeks with the new baby.

I can't remember much of course detail two years later but we're still in contact with the other parents we met on the course. The dads meet up for a beer occasionally and discuss our trials and tribulations. It's good therapy. :)
Click to expand...

Thanks pal. I will definitely look into our local one.
They don't appear to do any sort of formal or informal course but it will be good regardless for us to attend and meet people :)
 
NVP said:
Yeh that's how I've been for the past 6 months, no worries, no concerns, I know ill be fine. However, we've had some complications over the past 2 weeks which have knocked me a bit and I wish I knew more about those before they happened. The next 3 months will be touch and go where I could lose my little baby, or my wife, or both. Which is something else entirely. So yeh, that's made me feel like I need to be more prepared and knowledgeable. Hope that makes sense.
Click to expand...
Hope all goes okay for you and your wife. I don't think that books will give you what you're after in terms of reassurance -- no matter what you learn about the theory behind parenting, it generally all goes out of the window and you find your own groove. My suggestion is to participate as much as you can -- don't be afraid to change nappies, take baby for cuddles / naps, feed (if bottle feeding), etc. Your wife will appreciate it!

It *is* worth reading up a bit on safe sleeping and like others suggest, a support network will help you deal with the lack of sleep and stress that comes with being woken several times a night.
 
xdcx said:
With regards books:
Commando Dad

I just read all of the new baby section over the past week and it's really good for someone who ain't done none of this before but it puts a military twist on everything which just adds an element of comedy to it which is nice and made me smile. It's written by a bloke who was in the army but now has 3 children so it's all from his own experience.
Click to expand...

+1

Great little book and helped with my minimalist approach to what was actually "needed".
 
xyphic said:
Hope all goes okay for you and your wife. I don't think that books will give you what you're after in terms of reassurance -- no matter what you learn about the theory behind parenting, it generally all goes out of the window and you find your own groove. My suggestion is to participate as much as you can -- don't be afraid to change nappies, take baby for cuddles / naps, feed (if bottle feeding), etc. Your wife will appreciate it!

It *is* worth reading up a bit on safe sleeping and like others suggest, a support network will help you deal with the lack of sleep and stress that comes with being woken several times a night.
Click to expand...


agree with the above. every baby is different and you will find your own way of doing things, its not as difficult as you may think, it'll become second nature in no time at all. Help mum out as much as you can with nappy changes, bottle feeds, putting baby down for naps etc. You may think if your wife isn't working and only dealing with baby that it'll be easy for her, it isn't, mum needs a rest too. When i come home from my full time job i do as much as i can, we take turns each night putting baby to bed etc.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top Bottom