Post your past or recent Chav Stories...

Back in the day, I used to take night-time walks around Manchester. Like all great conurbations, it has its underbelly and rough areas. So I'd occasionally pass a scene or two. Mostly drunken student drama but, now and again, I saw ladies of the night attracting the wrong sort of clientele, who always took great exception to being refused services. Working girls would take none of it, however. I'd never seen handbags and heels deployed with such viciousness and precision! They knew how to defend themselves, the precariat clearly didn't... What followed could best be described as a bloody Rocky Horror Picture Show cast in Mancunian slang.

I also had the great joy of living on the fringes of Moss Side for a time (look it up). It's cheap but utterly bizarre. Went out for some milk once. Got to the shops, and realised I left my wallet at home. Had to go back. Housemates were having a movie night, so I forgot all about my dairy needs. In the morning, a policeman was knocking on doors in our street. Figures five minutes after I'd left, some young thugette robbed the local newsagents I went to, and badly stabbed the owner -- yikes! What charming youngsters! Trips to the nearest supermarket were dicey too. I never had any trouble, but friends got held up at knife point under ‘The Bridge of Tears’ on several occasions. :(

Particular bus rides could also turn ugly. Again, late services with one or two regular commuters on. What made them hardcore was the zombie horde from the local hell estate high on acid, chasing and bricking the bus approaching a stop when they had nothing better to do. I guess for them it was entertainment or some weird competitive sport.

Sometimes these 'revellers' would get on... I died inside every time, as fun chats about what I was reading would surely follow. Ever tried explaining Lakan or a normed vector space under a threat of defecation upon one’s laptop to an audience lost in their own private wonderland? Thrilling stuff. Though some of the very violent lot got done in for attacking a driver, and things got a little better for a while. Can't really say how things are now, as I haven't been back in a long while.

And who could forget the ice cream van in the middle of winter!

‘What are you doing out in Jan?’
‘Dealing!’
-_-;
‘Dealing in what?’
‘Happiness!’ *manic laughter*

The guy played cool tunes though.

My adventures in neighbouring Rochdale visiting friends would require a separate wiki-sized entry. Ahh, to be young again!

The worst I ever got down south was a local JCP badboy trying to sell me an iPhone. Possibly stolen. I had to look up ‘bossman’ on urban dictionary afterwards.
 
datalol-jack said:
Back in the day, I used to take night-time walks around Manchester. Like all great conurbations, it has its underbelly and rough areas. So I'd occasionally pass a scene or two. Mostly drunken student drama but, now and again, I saw ladies of the night attracting the wrong sort of clientele, who always took great exception to being refused services. Working girls would take none of it, however. I'd never seen handbags and heels deployed with such viciousness and precision! They knew how to defend themselves, the precariat clearly didn't... What followed could best be described as a bloody Rocky Horror Picture Show cast in Mancunian slang.

I also had the great joy of living on the fringes of Moss Side for a time (look it up). It's cheap but utterly bizarre. Went out for some milk once. Got to the shops, and realised I left my wallet at home. Had to go back. Housemates were having a movie night, so I forgot all about my dairy needs. In the morning, a policeman was knocking on doors in our street. Figures five minutes after I'd left, some young thugette robbed the local newsagents I went to, and badly stabbed the owner -- yikes! What charming youngsters! Trips to the nearest supermarket were dicey too. I never had any trouble, but friends got held up at knife point under ‘The Bridge of Tears’ on several occasions. :(

Particular bus rides could also turn ugly. Again, late services with one or two regular commuters on. What made them hardcore was the zombie horde from the local hell estate high on acid, chasing and bricking the bus approaching a stop when they had nothing better to do. I guess for them it was entertainment or some weird competitive sport.

Sometimes these 'revellers' would get on... I died inside every time, as fun chats about what I was reading would surely follow. Ever tried explaining Lakan or a normed vector space under a threat of defecation upon one’s laptop to an audience lost in their own private wonderland? Thrilling stuff. Though some of the very violent lot got done in for attacking a driver, and things got a little better for a while. Can't really say how things are now, as I haven't been back in a long while.

And who could forget the ice cream van in the middle of winter!

‘What are you doing out in Jan?’
‘Dealing!’
-_-;
‘Dealing in what?’
‘Happiness!’ *manic laughter*

The guy played cool tunes though.

My adventures in neighbouring Rochdale visiting friends would require a separate wiki-sized entry. Ahh, to be young again!

The worst I ever got down south was a local JCP badboy trying to sell me an iPhone. Possibly stolen. I had to look up ‘bossman’ on urban dictionary afterwards.
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I like. Please share a couple of Rochdale tales, good sir!
 
neoboy said:
Live in Tyne and Wear so may as well just post a daily blog to be honest!
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Don't we know it,

Had too many encounters to recall when I was younger.

Bikes stolen, beaten up, was no joke back then.

Only one I'd care to recall is when 3 drunken idiots tried to jump me and my two cousins when we were older. We used to ride BMX back then, but with no skate parks about the town centre with stairs and ledges etc was the best spot.

"Hew do a trick" was swiftly followed by surrounding my oldest cousin and dragging him to the ground, game on at this point. So we waded in, they had no hope tbh, Little drunk idiots.

Like I say ive not always been on the winning side, thankfully it's not as bad around here as it was in the mid to late 90's
 
I used to live in Glasgow, where they are commonly known as 'ned's'. Many encounters, but an amusing one was when I found myself giving one and a friend a lift. It wore the usual ned attire - tracksuit, baseball cap, 'trainers' and a can of coke in one hand, fag in the other.
He was sat in the back and asked "want some coke mate?". As I wasn't particularly thirsty I declined his generous offer. "yeah, bit dodgy when your driving innit mate". When I looked in the rear view mirror he wasn't drinking cola. "Yeah, it is mate" I replied :).
 
This thread just reminded me of the CCTV video of the two chaps who went out on the razz in drag, in Swansea I think. They were accosted by some local chavs and one of the guys got punched in the face. Turns out they were fighters in the local cage fighting scene, it did not end well for the drunk shirtless hoodlum to say the least.
 
I've had words with them but no violence as of yet, probably because they only act the tough guy when theres 10 of them.

I found this story particularly infuriating, especially seeing the footage of the main guy in his house speaking like a total retard, fag in mouth and can of beer in hand.

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-bristol-25122280

http://www.theguardian.com/uk-news/...h-bijan-ebrahimis-calls-for-help-were-in-vain

The sickening thing is the police treated him like the suspect....

"He was arrested by police after he was seen taking pictures around the Bristol estate where he lived."

Yea taking pictures of the scumbags who were causing the trouble, im glad to say one police officer was sacked and others suspended.

I'd have them rounded up and shot personally, or nip it in the bud with licensing to breed.
 
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FortuitousFluke said:
This thread just reminded me of the CCTV video of the two chaps who went out on the razz in drag, in Swansea I think. They were accosted by some local chavs and one of the guys got punched in the face. Turns out they were fighters in the local cage fighting scene, it did not end well for the drunk shirtless hoodlum to say the least.
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Mate, anything that can be construed as 'deviant' sexual orientation is like catnip to them. Themed parties are particularly confusing to their minds.

Richdog said:
I like. Please share a couple of Rochdale tales, good sir!
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Be careful what you wish for... That's basically the town's motto! If you haven't been, here's a video game metaphor for it:

outsiders.jpg

Even indigenous wildlife has evolved defensive mechanisms:

bunguns.gif

***WARNING: A BIT OF RANT IN THE SPOILER***

Perhaps it's best to start with something light-hearted. There used to be a local urban legend in Rochdale -- Lydia the Ever Pregnant. She was young, not classically beautiful, perpetually horny, weird and always short on cash. She tagged her handle on various surfaces as 'Lydz', apparently. I thought people were pulling my leg... That's until I met her. :eek:

Picture the following in tights and three layers of assorted sports attire:
l0NwOf3n8ZBD1mka4.gif

Her racket was the standard bus fare trick. I made the error of waiting for a lift near a request stop. In abridgement:

'Omg, my babs' cumin', got [any] cash?'
'Erm... come again?'
'Oh, you're pregnant and need to get to the hospital?'
'Let me see...'

Ever the helpful soul, I checked my wallet for change (hardly ever carry any) but I did have a note tucked in.

'Sorry, I don't have any change.'
'You cheeky *bleep* *bleep* *BLEEEP*... liar... *BLEEP* *BLEEP* your face *BLEEEEEEEEEEP*!!!'
'I saw a note! Give it me, or you'll end my baby!'

As I was trying to parse her grammar, she was getting uncomfortably close. Then, pangs of oncoming labour seemingly forgotten, she sprung a Hobson's choice on me: furious oral or shanking. I didn't want to find out what she had in her pocket, so I turned around and sprinted at a casual pace to my mate's house. The woman gave up after a few yards, throwing more abuse to speed me on my way, and flipped the bird in my general direction for good measure, huffing and puffing as she went down on the pavement. What a lady! Bags of class! :o

Typical student, my friend was still in bed. So much for that promised early lift. But on the way back to Manchester I described the woman to him, and he said that indeed I've met the legend. Forthwith, I was promoted to honorary Rochdale citizenship for surviving a 'Lydz-ing'.:(

Only if my adventures had ended there...

Now, as you may know, in small, deprived market towns up North, the lowest rung of Hell is reserved for child abusers. Of course to qualify as one you just have to look funny to the resident underclass, walk strangely or cross them at the wrong time of day. Elderly can get the worst of it. Law of the land be damned! They go for a classic witch hunt up in Rochdale. Like this:

Witches_300x261.gif

Only with a supped up, barely-MOT-worthy hatchback and a flock of mopeds following in its slipstream.

One sunny morn in Rochdale [a rare event in itself], I witnessed this form of hunting first hand. An ancient VW Golf was zipping up and down a road leading into town proper. Packed full of tragic clowns it was. A few lads were dangerously hanging out of the car and shouting 'paedo' at every passer by. Any back chat, and they would stop to have words. Proper hard lads: big gestures and even bigger egos. ;) I just wanted to get to town, and to vanish from that particular street asap.

Eventually an Asian gent in his 50s said something to the tune of:
'And a good day to you, *******!'

I thought oh dear, here we go! But the Golf's driver misjudged his swerve, and drove straight over the curb and into someone's front garden! Shortly, four lads and a girl piled out of the car and instead of checking if everyone was alright, started fighting amongst themselves. I just face-palmed. Lovely town. Wonderful people.

Disabused of any notion of Rochdale as a sleepy market town, I thought that maybe walking by the canal in future would be less eventful. Ha!

I remember seeing some bright spark chucking cola/mentos bombs on people's boats. His shoddy aim caused more laughs than damage, but the joke quickly wore thin. He was told to stop and scram. Feeling insulted he rushed to the water to start a fight... or at least he tried to. You see, leaping on to a boat at full gallop is a bad, bad idea! Omni-shambles ensued.

Our antagonist went in the water. Terrified, he couldn't decide between cursing at the boatman, screaming for help or paddling to the embankment. PMSL! A zesty lady on the other side wished the swimmer 'bon voyage' He wailed, promising many copulations and beatings upon her should he ever make it to shore. I regret not having a smartphone back then.

Dagon.jpg

Sadly he did live, as no drownings were reported in the vicinity the day after. Oh well, I'm sure he is a fine and responsible adult these days.:p

Completing my top of Rochdale round-up, are my documentary-making days. Well, a friend was doing a masters in Film, and I tagged along to help. Free running/parkour was just coming into vogue. And before the CrossFit craze, the world had the 'street gym' movement. We decided, for whatever excellent reason, to follow a group in Rochdale for some 'edge'.

Anyhow, got to a row of garages at the back of some council flats, it was dark. Fortunately for us, the guys we were meeting were genuine enthusiasts, and not a front for gang activities.

Set up. Started filming. Everything's going great. Some individuals were quite good. Scaling garages, a few tumbles, etc, etc. Then another group of denizens from the estate emerged from the shadows. Promptly accused us all of homosexual tendencies, and declared parkour was child's play! Charming!

I wanted to avoid a fight between our group and theirs, so I asked the ring leader to try parkour for himself. There's a tenner in it for him, and we would capture it all on camera for posterity. He took a big swig of Relentless (I kid you not) put out his cig and went for it. We tried to give him advice about technique... BUT HARD MEN DON'T NEED ANY! He charged at the garage wall...

l0NwubxtnGC627mx2.gif

Boom. Bricks. Kisser. One knocked out hero! Diffused the situation right away. Who said brave idiots ascend to Valhalla?

Runners-up:

  • Rochdalian wonders hate bus stops. Kid tries to break the glass stand, the glass breaks him!
  • A Geordie is sitting outside a pub, feeling particularly mortal. He's quietly trying to banish his hangover with a takeaway. A local demands a chip out of the blue. The other guy says no. The local slaps him. Geordie thumps him one, doesn't feel great afterwards, and proceeds to be profusely sick all over his attacker. The chav just screamed and screamed and screamed. Comedy!
  • An idiot attempts to abuse a dog tied outside some shops. He unties the lead and starts reeling it in to glue a firecracker to the pooch (don't ask). A bigger dog comes charging from an alley across the street. Animal Kingdom: 1; Idiot: 0.
  • A family is moving in. A crafty thief sneaks into the lorry and lifts a PS2. Runs away. Gets twonked over the head by a bigger fish up the road. The bigger lad dashes back TOWARDS the house where the father of the family is waiting for him. As they struggle, a marked police car pulls up. Happy days!

My lost years. As I said, I could be here a while...:p Got slapped and sucker-punched from the back a few times. There are real nasty critters out there, but most of them can't take a punch. Never lost any possessions to them. Then again, other than the Lydz incident, I was fortunate not to be threatened with or end up at the other end of a knife.
 
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datalol-jack said:
A Geordie is sitting outside a pub, feeling particularly mortal. He's quietly trying to banish his hangover with a takeaway. A local demands a chip out of the blue. The other guy says no. The local slaps him. Geordie thumps him one, doesn't feel great afterwards, and proceeds to be profusely sick all over his attacker. The chav just screamed and screamed and screamed. Comedy!
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That is utterly brilliant.
Not many folks could take a vomiting, especially when prone. Hilarious.
Chap probably had nightmares for weeks.
 
Thank you. I had practice: me and a few friends used to include a selection of words in our A level exams pulled from a hat for each paper. Sharpens the mind!

“Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.”
―Albert Schweitzer
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And for as long as there are men, there'll be stories to tell. Alas, dear Albert didn't live long enough to witness the birth of Chavism. :)
 
Had a some-what chav encounter today, pulled up to some 2 lane lights in the Z4, next to me in the other lane rolls up some corsa with everything you could imagine to ruin the car on it, mahoosive exhaust, lowered so its basically touching the floor, stupid rims, stupid spoilers etc, music blasting and 5 of them in it, sat there revving the engine creeping forwards.

Anyway soon as the lights change he floors it... and I just laughed as I was another 200 yards down the road by the time they even got over the junction.

Next set of lights the same thing happens, on the 3rd set he gave up trying to get past me and just settled in behind.
 
kindai said:
Had a some-what chav encounter today, pulled up to some 2 lane lights in the Z4, next to me in the other lane rolls up some corsa with everything you could imagine to ruin the car on it, mahoosive exhaust, lowered so its basically touching the floor, stupid rims, stupid spoilers etc, music blasting and 5 of them in it, sat there revving the engine creeping forwards.

Anyway soon as the lights change he floors it... and I just laughed as I was another 200 yards down the road by the time they even got over the junction.

Next set of lights the same thing happens, on the 3rd set he gave up trying to get past me and just settled in behind.
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That's got to be the worst I have a fast-ish car and work in a hairdressers post ever.
 
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