Relational issues...

[Psy-Blade]

Hey guys,

first thanks for all the replies, even though some are not what I wanted, I wanted a broad opinion.

I guess I typed out a few sentences hurredly... First and foremost I'm not a control freak. We have very independent lives and that's always worked. I didn't mean to type that I'm 'letting her'... more that I'm saying I'm happy for her to do it. I've always said she could do it, just not wholeheartedly. Its something she's indicated that she wants to try from the infancy of our relationship. She's a smart girl, with smart friends, I dont' believe that she will fall into a habit.

On the issue of her moving to London, she moved there to take a job (Lingerie industry doesn't really exist elsewhere in England), and I know that she does really want me to move there, she's asked me of her own accord several times, and I'm working on the employment part of it.

I guess the issue of being there to look after her has been turned on its head for me by you guys and there is obviously a unanimous opinion here. I think I'll stay home and play some games instead . I trust her friends, they've done it for a whole, powdered for the one or two of you that asked.

 

[Psy-Blade]

I'll go look after her for you. House party + drugs + your bird who works in the lingerie industry = win. Unless she's ugly, then I'll just have the drugs.

Haha, well actually she first bought up the idea of trying it at her house with just the usual crowd about as she is worried about that part of the drug, she understands that that would kill 'us'.

 

[Theophany]

Ditch her now, you'll save yourself a boatload of headache later.

5 years ago you were 19 and she was 17. People grow so much in the latter teenage years and it sounds to me like you've grown apart. Call it quits and no hard feelings, you'll be glad you did.

She's moved in with some housemates, most of whom use recreational drugs, but non of them are addicts and it isn't a regular thing. One of the thing that she does want to try is MDMA. I was immediately against this and this has set this whole thing off

I should encourage and nurture her in things she wants to try.

Yeah. So one minute you're against them and the next you're playing the liberal pussy? One of my housemates just broke up with her boyfriend of 4 years because he just wanted to 'try' drugs and has essentially descended into being an addict. It's destroyed their relationship. I'm not saying experimentation is bad, but if you disagree with it that's that, you can't force yourself to change your opinion just because you're scared you'll lose her.

So... what do you guys think, am i doing the 'right' thing?

The fact that you have to ask that should tell you everything.

 

[MiNxYyY]

some of you are pathetic.

I agree with the majority about the drug taking, but telling him to end it etc after 5 years is just harsh.

 

[Rainmaker]

Haha, well actually she first bought up the idea of trying it at her house with just the usual crowd about as she is worried about that part of the drug, she understands that that would kill 'us'.

Well to be fair, I've never known anybody be 'drugged' into having sex due to MDMA. They feel empathogenesis; basically really close to others, reduced inhibitions (especially regarding verbal communication) etc. That effect is why it's often referred to as the 'hugging drug' etc. It's a different feeling to sexual desire, although I'm sure in suitably pre-desiring subjects it would be a greatly efficient pleasure enhancer. But to actually make you want to engage in sexual activity you weren't contemplating when 'sober'? No.

tldr: Unless she already wants to stray, I wouldn't be panicking, personally.

 

[Psy-Blade]

Ditch her now, you'll save yourself a boatload of headache later.

5 years ago you were 19 and she was 17. People grow so much in the latter teenage years and it sounds to me like you've grown apart. Call it quits and no hard feelings, you'll be glad you did.

I wouldn't say we've grown that apart. We enjoy each other still, we had a great time this morning just having lunch in a pub and conversing.

some of you are pathetic.

I agree with the majority about the drug taking, but telling him to end it etc after 5 years is just harsh.

Thanks, we've created something which is nice most of the time, I'm going to work hard to keep it. She's definitely not willing to give up. I even suggested that we separate, at least for a while, during a serious chat the other night. She broke down at the very though.

 

[Danthus]

some of you are pathetic.

I agree with the majority about the drug taking, but telling him to end it etc after 5 years is just harsh.

I think the problem is that at their age some people may considering that they haven't done the single thing that lots of other people have.

Now saying that I am sure there are people that get together at their age and stay together.

In this case it seems to me, and I could be wrong but she wants to spread her wings and experience parts of life other people get out of their system before they settle down.

 

[Psy-Blade]

Well to be fair, I've never known anybody be 'drugged' into having sex due to MDMA. They feel empathogenesis; basically really close to others, reduced inhibitions (especially regarding verbal communication) etc. That effect is why it's often referred to as the 'hugging drug' etc. It's a different feeling to sexual desire, although I'm sure in suitably pre-desiring subjects it would be a greatly efficient pleasure enhancer. But to actually make you want to engage in sexual activity you weren't contemplating when 'sober'? No.

tldr: Unless she already wants to stray, I wouldn't be panicking, personally.

This is exactly what she said her friends have told her. She was worried about this, which I'm glad of, but they've said that they've never experiences and over whelming urge to **** the nearest person while on MDMA.

 

[Rainmaker]

This is exactly what she said her friends have told her. She was worried about this, which I'm glad of, but they've said that they've never experiences and over whelming urge to **** the nearest person while on MDMA.

They're correct. As I said I'm not providing medical advice, and certainly not encouraging recreational drug use. However, since you're already in a predicament I just wanted to offer you some reassurance.

It'd be remiss of me not to point you to an acknowledged advice service. Talk To Frank basically confirms what I've said. It's not physically addictive, but a psychological addiction (basically a habit, like you may have a habit of eating Chinese on Saturdays) can form. No mention of sexual promiscuity there, either.

Good luck fella. No need to lose your head over it imho.

 

[Maximum Triceratops]

I took ecstacy for a number of years and it was a good experience, at the beginning. Yes its true in my case that it led to other drugs being consumed. It started off with weed (this led to a 10 year habit) then LSD/Mushrooms, then ecstacy/speed/ketamine/coke, basically whatever I could procure for my weekend of nightclubbing. Once you try these things and enjoy them, your weekend will most likely include some form of stimulant, as alcohol dosent suffice once you have been high. I had some cracking weekends during my late teens/early 20's but if I had that time again I most definately wouldnt have tried that joint my friend offered me. Different drugs go hand in hand so if your GF does enjoy taking E then she will more than likely do other things too.
Oh by the way if she is going take E then she will probably be shagging behind your back within no time, trust me on this, it WILL happen :/

 

[godinman]

I agree with Rainmaker.

 

[Theophany]

Oh by the way if she is going take E then she will probably be shagging behind your back within no time, trust me on this, it WILL happen :/

I was waiting for somebody with first hand experience to weigh in on this. The amount of denial in this thread is ludicrous.

 

[Rainmaker]

I was waiting for somebody with first hand experience to weigh in on this. The amount of denial in this thread is ludicrous.

You're presuming that because the guy was the first to admit previous use, that nobody else has. I'm sure a thread like this hasn't only attracted one single, solitary actual user...

From the tone of your post, are we to assume you have experience of taking MDMA/ecstasy and then having promiscuous and/or adulterous sexual relations?

 

[Psy-Blade]

Once you try these things and enjoy them, your weekend will most likely include some form of stimulant, as alcohol dosent suffice once you have been high

Everyones different, you said that you tried weed and that lead to a path of every other drug you could try...

Me and my GF have both tried weed, together and separately. I much preferred alcohol and went straight back to it...

 

[Theophany]

I've never admitted to any previous drug use. I mentioned my flatmate's boyfriend, but he's a walking cocktail of crap I can't even remember the names of! I'm not dead against drug use recreationally myself, but I certainly wouldn't encourage my partner to do it. I know she has the odd joint now and again, but as long as I don't feel pressured into joining in, I'm not that fussed either way. Serious drug usage is a different story, but hopefully that won't apply here!

But in my experience (and I'm not talking about drug use) if you have to convince yourself she will be faithful, a fundamental level of trust is broken down and you have to ask yourself why and then work on fixing it. Problem is, once that trust is gone, rebuilding it can be an incredibly difficult experience.

I don't take offence to any of the drug usage mentioned in this thread, I'm seeing it more as a metaphor for more fundamental aspects of your relationship. There seem to be issues that need working on and drug usage to me sounds like its deflecting somewhat. Whilst I did somewhat flippantly advocate a split, I wouldn't wish a relationship breakdown on anybody, we all know they're unpleasant. But sometimes you gotta put yourself first and bail before you get hurt a lot more further down the line. Some might say that's the lack of trust I mentioned earlier, I think of it more as self-preservation.

 

[Maximum Triceratops]

Everyones different, you said that you tried weed and that lead to a path of every other drug you could try...

Me and my GF have both tried weed, together and separately. I much preferred alcohol and went straight back to it...

Thats a fair point mate, however your missus may prefer taking ecstacy, you should also consider that if she does start using this regularly and you dont then this will more than likely drive a huge wedge between you both, especially on nights out. I hate to say this but your situation has got disaster written all over it. One can only hope that your missus tries it and dislikes it. Hope it works out.

 

[rebel rebel]

Me and my GF have both tried weed, together and separately. I much preferred alcohol and went straight back to it...

MDMA is completely different to weed, if she does it and likes it, the chances are she will end up doing it on a regular basis. I dont know anyone who has just tried it once. But if she wants to try it and lives with people who do it, theres not much you can do.

 

[Rainmaker]

So how can you go from:

I was waiting for somebody with first hand experience to weigh in on this. The amount of denial in this thread is ludicrous.

to:

I've never admitted to any previous drug use.

But in my experience (and I'm not talking about drug use) if you have to convince yourself she will be faithful, a fundamental level of trust is broken down and you have to ask yourself why and then work on fixing it. Problem is, once that trust is gone, rebuilding it can be an incredibly difficult experience.

I don't take offence to any of the drug usage mentioned in this thread, I'm seeing it more as a metaphor for more fundamental aspects of your relationship. There seem to be issues that need working on and drug usage to me sounds like its deflecting somewhat. Whilst I did somewhat flippantly advocate a split, I wouldn't wish a relationship breakdown on anybody, we all know they're unpleasant. But sometimes you gotta put yourself first and bail before you get hurt a lot more further down the line. Some might say that's the lack of trust I mentioned earlier, I think of it more as self-preservation.

?

Your initial post carried rather a 'been there, done that, you're all chatting rubbish' air about it. Then you follow up with 'btw I have no real personal experience'. How can you sweepingly refer to all posts prior to yours as dismissive and ignorant, when you clearly follow that with an admission of your own ignorance?