If there's something that really bugs me, moreso than anything, it's the other people you see at the supermarket.
I have trouble getting to sleep at night thinking about whether the general public sit at home and are inciteful, witty, self-aware and unselfish, and only become clumsy, bewildered and miopic on their weekly venture to the shops, as an escape from their usual pleasantness. I also imagine that their kids are polite and mostly silent at home, becoming akin to air-raid sirens with a sugar addiction the moment they set foot past the electric doors, which they forcibly prevent from shutting by dancing around in the entranceway, preventing me from entering the shop without smacking them to the floor. And I'd do it if no-one could see me. One cheeky chappy was today playing football with a discarded cardboard label right by the Scotch eggs. He soon shifted when I swung my basket dangerously.
If it were possible, I would make it so that when I went to the supermarket there would be no-one from the public there at all, save for a few who were employed to stand next to things I didn't want, like pickled eggs or barley; it would be too spooky if it was empty. Inevitably, the product I want is right next to the one someone else wants, and they're having trouble deciding if they should get it or not, blocking my path to the thing I decided I needed before I left the house so that I wouldn't be faffing around like a tit when I got here. If any of you have seen the film Dawn of the Dead you'll know that it involves a bunch of people trying to rid a shopping mall of zombies so they can live there without fear of their brains becoming lunch. The supermarket feels like that to me. The public are mindless zombies, totally unaware of anyone or anything around them, and they are relentless in their pursuit of brains, or in this case fresh bread and milk. I was in the bread aisle today and I went to walk between two trollies with my basket, when a woman pushing a third trolley suddenly decided she was going to walk straight through me. She was talking to herself (reeling off the items on her mental shopping list) and her eyes were glazed over. I had to wait for about ten seconds for her to make it through the gap since she clearly had no concept of the fact that I was waiting there and, as I went to walk through the now vacant space, she absent-mindedly said 'Thankyou'. The ****ing nerve. I almost turned round, slapped her and said 'I wasn't letting you through, I had no choice but to wait for your mind-numbingly slow frame to drag itself out of my way, you vacuous hag'.
A similar thing happened by the bacon. I was looking at the ridiculously wide range of bacon products and trying to select one that screamed 'quality' but had a price that whispered 'tight *******', when I noticed that a woman with a trolley was also looking at the same items. I am constantly aware of what is going on around me, which is what amazes me when others don't extend the same courtesy, and took a step back so she could get to whatever it was she wanted (no-one has ever done this for me by the way). She immediately pushed her trolley into the space I had vacated and started browsing herself. I had to take a look around to see if anyone else had noticed this unbelievable act of selfishness, but then I remembered I was in the supermarket and amongst the most careless bunch of tossrags ever to convene in one place.
The staff are almost as bad as the customers, blocking aisles with hulking great cages-on-wheels that are inevitably parked in front of a whole bunch I stuff I need. Two whippersnappers today were having a high-volume conversation about football which is fairly rude in itself, but one of them was up a stepladder blocking the special offers section and the other was in a completely different aisle. I tell you what, there's nothing a customer loves more than a member of staff being simultaneously in the way and obnoxious, whilst shirking their minimum wage monkey-duties. When I worked in a supermarket we were lucky to get away with just one of those.
That's right, I worked in a supermarket. In fact it was that exact supermarket. My opinion of the customers has not changed since I worked there, except that not only did the customers used to get in the way, they also asked inane questions. Some weren't even questions:
"Excuse me young man, I'm looking for Goodfellas". How very nice for you. I'm not of that persuasion but thanks for the offer.
"Can you tell me where I can find fish?" In the sea madam.
"Where's the ketchup mate?" It's over there, three inches to the right of where you were looking before. "Oh yeah! I must be going blind!" Maybe! Or perhaps you need me to walk you 'round the shop holding your hand like some sort of crazy orangutan trainer.
I'm getting a little off the point here but maybe now you can see why this annoys me so much. I haven't even mentioned the people who browse a shelf whilst holding on to their trolley at arm's length across the aisle, or those that go shopping together and go 'round the shop side by side with a child inbetween the trollies, blocking an entire corridor. And don't even get me started on the people who only go there because it's the only chance they get to see old friends and spend half an hour taking up a moron-shaped space in the meat aisle. Only today I went to go through the gap inbetween the aisles and there were two trollies at the sides and two people in the middle blocking the gap and chatting. I had to go and physically stand in front of them before they reluctantly moved, like it was a great effort to do so and I had spoilt their day or something. ****s.
Well I'm glad I got all that off my chest. I hope it helped you as much it has helped me. Cheers.
