Poll: Terrible joke thread

Here's some real Science

  • Ban Op

    Votes: 31 28.2%
  • Ban everyone in thread

    Votes: 53 48.2%
  • Pancake

    Votes: 26 23.6%

  • Total voters
    110
  • Poll closed .
Soldato
Joined
29 Jul 2010
Posts
23,738
Location
Lincs
Our tale starts with a man called Dave. Dave is the biggest fan of tractors you've ever met. Growing up on a farm he admired the tractors, and it never went away. Now at 35 Dave has Tractor wallpaper, miniature tractors, full size tractors, clothes with tractors on, toilet roll with tractors on, and even some tractor blue movies (oo-er). Since he was a young man his mother had been pestering him, "Dave you need to stop with these tractors, go out there and find a woman and produce me some grandchildren". Although Dave loved his tractors, he'd now got to 35 and had nothing to show for it. So he finally said "alright mum". Dave sold all of his tractor paraphernalia, and hit the gym. The girl at the grocery store always smiled at him and made a lot of small talk, so Dave thought why not and asked her out, thankfully she said yes. So, Dave takes the lady out for dinner. Now this was before the smoking ban so there were a lot of people in the restaurant smoking. After they sat down for their starter a large group of men chuffing cigars sat down on the table next to them. The lady was clearly distressed by this as she was coughing and spluttering and there was so much smoke that the restaurant became hazy and you couldn't see much further than 3 metres. Seeing the lady in distress Dave said "Don't worry, I'll sort this". Dave leaned back and did a huge, long, deep inhale that lasted for about 30 seconds, all of the smoke in the room went into his lungs and the room was clear. He then stepped outside and breathed it all out, when he returned to the table the girl, astonished, asked "That was amazing how did you do that?", Dave replied:

Holy **** that's bad!

You win :p
 
I haven't talked to my wife in three weeks. I don't want to interrupt her.

I haven't slept for three days because three days is far too long to sleep.

The first time I got myself a universal remote I thought "this changes everything".

Say what you want about deaf people...

I have spent the last four years looking for my ex-girlfriend's killer but no-one will do it.

I saw a sign which read "Watch for children" and I thought, "that's a fair swap".

I recently decided to sell my vacuum cleaner, it was only gathering dust.

I was at a cash point and an old lady asked me to help her check her balance, so I pushed her over.
 
Associate
Joined
3 Mar 2010
Posts
1,893
Location
Hants, UK
A man had just settled into his seat next to the window on the
plane when another man sat down in the aisle seat and put his
black Labrador Retriever in the middle seat next to the man.
The first man looks very quizzically at the dog and asks why
the dog is allowed on the plane. The second man explained that he is
a DEA agent and that the dog is a "sniffing dog". "His name is
Sniffer and he's the best there is. I'll show you once we get airborne,
when I put him to work."

The plane takes off, and once it has levelled out, the agent
says:
"Watch this." He tells Sniffer to "search".

Sniffer jumps down, walks along the aisle, and finally sits
very purposefully next to a woman for several seconds. Sniffer then
returns to its seat and puts one paw on the agent's arm.
The agent says, "Good boy", and he turns to the man and says:
"That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I'm making a note of
her seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we
land."
"Say, that's pretty neat" replies the first man.

Once again, the agent sends Sniffer to search the aisles. The
Lab sniffs about, sits down beside a man for a few seconds, returns
to its seat, and this time, he places TWO paws on the agent's arm.
The agent says, "That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making
a note of his seat number for the police."

"I like it!" says his seat mate.

The agent then told Sniffer to "search" again.
Sniffer walked up and down the aisles for a little while, sat
down for a moment, and then came racing back to the agent, jumped
into the middle seat and proceeded to poop all over the place.

The first man is really grossed out by this behaviour and can't
figure out how or why a well-trained dog would act like that, so
he asks the agent "What's going on?"

The agent nervously replied, "He just found a bomb!"
 
Soldato
Joined
19 Nov 2009
Posts
4,387
Location
Baa
What did the crew of the space shuttle Challenger drink shortly before their fateful launch in January 1986?


Probably something hydrating like water.
 
Permabanned
Joined
11 Aug 2016
Posts
5,538
Location
Cheshire
Sad news from the Nestlé factory today.
A night shift worker was crushed beneath a case of chocolate that fell 20 feet off the storage racking.
He called for help repeatedly but every time he shouted "The Milky Bars are on me" his colleagues just cheered.

No more information at this time
 
Soldato
Joined
5 Feb 2009
Posts
15,910
Location
N. Ireland
What did the crew of the space shuttle Challenger drink shortly before their fateful launch in January 1986?
the one i remember from that incident was......how did they know the crew of the challenger all had drandruff?
their head and shoulders washed up on the beach.....

from the Zeebrugge disaster (same era).....
what was the last song playing on the juke box at the time of the disaster......
Lionel Richies 'Dancing on the Ceiling'

what were the passengers all drinking on the Herald of Free Enterprise......
Cherry Coke.....cause it turns your world upside down (advert from the time)
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**Removed - they're not really suitable for the forum**
 
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