The all new OCUK joke thread for 2021

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I was showing my mate my new golf ball. "It's impossible to lose," I said. "If you hit it into the rough it sends out a GPS signal so you can track it down." "That's great," he replied, "but what happens if you it hit into the water?" "Simple. The ball floats to the surface and tracks its way back toward you and you just scoop it back out." "Brilliant!" he said, "Where did you get it?" "I found it."
 
I suppose the funniest thing in this world today is being in the middle of people consumed with technology and the internet with all that entails and the older gen who have no notion of it and don't care, So you have both sides of the fence stuck in your head :p

Imagine the 60 year old co worker being told about pro nouns and stuff? Your dad, a mans man who digs and lays down roads...
Jack hammer going away, and did you hear the new superman is going to be a black man? :P
 
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A joke by Billy Connolly about a Russian wrestler called "Ivan the terrible"... "There was a wrestler, and he was a Russian and he was called Ivan the Terrible. And everyone was terrified of him, because he had 2 famous holds: The half pretzel and the full pretzel. The half pretzel broke your back and the full pretzel killed you! So there was this trail of dead bodies all over Russia until nobody would fight him anymore it seems... Wait a minute (however they say that in Russian). And he joined the circus: - A thousand pounds to anyone who will last 1 round with the dreaded Ivan the Terrible!!! No takers. All quaking in their seat... Circus goes right across Europe. 'Oh, I'm not fighting that!' And one day the circus came to Glasgow. They set up the tent in Glasgow green: - A thousand pounds to anyone who will last... - I'LL DO IT!!! - Do you know what you are doing sir? - AYE! - Who you're going to fight? - I DON'T CARE! Give us the money now and save us all the trouble! - Ivan the Terrible from the Steppes, never been beaten, 2 famous.... - I DON'T CARE! Down the isle, the crowd are all chattin': - EASY, EASY, INTO HIM, INTO HIM! GONE SHUGGIE! WE ARE THE CHAMPIOOONS! - Easy boys it's alright! A doddle! He's out there, like 3-4 stones with the glasses on. The big heavy boots with the steel toe caps. - Oooh, it's a dooodle... Where is he anyway this bumstick? The bloke says: - Well be it on your own head sir... Give us Ivan the Terrible! They let him out his neck and shove him through the curtains: - Uaghuaua! It's all hair and teeth... - Uahaghgh Bloke goes - Wait a minute... Is that it? Oh alright, COME ON WELL! - Ughuaugh - Ah shut your mouth. The boot right in the crotch, down he went squealing like a pig 'ooooh' - Shhhuuut up. The crowd are going mad: - Into him, into him! EASY, EASY! Wallop, Ivan is rolling about squealing like a pig. He's about to lapse into unconsciousness and he grabs the wee shaggy's leg 'Oh!' - Wait a minute... Starts to climb up: - Ugghaugh One arm over. - Ugghaugh 'Oooh', says the crowd: The half pretzel. Another arm over. 'Ughaugh' - Oh no!! The full pretzel!! The two of the fall to the floor in a knot having a roll about, and you can hear: - Ughaughugh - Aaaah, oh noooo! - Ughaughugh And then BANG! Ivan comes spinning up hits the wall, slides down, unconscious! Crowd goes crazy: - HELLOOOO! WE ARE THE CHAMPIONS! The reefer' getting interviewed: - Tell me mister Shuggie, he says, you did... You did really desperately well there, can you tell the crow and myself how you managed it? - That it was a doddle, know what I mean? He did this pretzel thing, I'm feelin' the flare like a big knot in there, i mean... All of the sudden I feel the life drain right out of me! Then I sees it right in front of me! A HUGE WILLY! I goes like that: Oh wait a minute! What I do I sink my teeth right INTO IT! And you know something... It's amazing the surge of strength you get when you bite your own willy, you know?!!!"


Beware the silly mods........
 
I remember being in a gamestation back in the...not sure early noughties? and seeing a voodoo 2 for £400 and laughing at the price of it. You can say Inflation but I still say something isn't right with that or I still don't get it? something in the 90's costing £400 odds is the same as £1000 odds now?, I'm thinking about HiFi's watching Techmoan not Graphics cards.
 
Lysander said:
I honestly didn't know that graphics cards went for that much these days, and that there are so many of them that are that high priced. That's pretty disgusting. I remember when they had a ceiling of £300-£400.
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Yeah things have got well out of hand.
 
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