I'm really struggling right now, this time of year is always damn tough, as it's the anniversary of my dad passing away in 2003.
It would have been his 90th birthday on the 25th and my sister posted a picture of them together on my 18th birthday, the last major mile stone for me that he was around for and it completely tore me up inside. He died on the 27th November, 2 days after his 69th birthday.
I was supposed to phone him the day before he died, but I couldn't be bothered, I'd been working nights and was knackered, and thought I'd be seeing him in a couple of days so it could wait. I've never been able to forgive myself for putting it off. It's been over 20 years, and I still remember it like it was yesterday. I was asleep and my brother woke me up. He'd come home from work to be with me so I wouldn't be alone when I found out. I saw his face, he didn't need to say anything it just hit me and broke me instantly. The rest of that time was pretty surreal and mostly a blur. He'd died while visiting my sister in Norfolk, I had to take his birth certificate so that they could do his death certificate and we could arrange to have the body brought home to Liverpool. I'm told I saw his body but I do not remember it, and can't place any gaps in my memory. Though I remember afterwards, we needed to go in to the city centre for something, I remember sitting on a bench as some brass band was playing Christmas music while I watched people going about their shopping and lives in general and just wondering how it was that the world kept turning.
My Dad was the best man I've ever known, he had his flaws like everyone else and I'll never stop missing him. It kills me that my daughters will never know him. Id give anything to hear him whistling in the kitchen while making a cup of tea or beating an egg in old plastic jug with the bread knife. Never mind hearing his belly laugh when something really tickled him or seeing his mischievous grin when he was up to something to wind me or my siblings up with.
I don't know why this year has hit me harder than most but I'm really struggling to keep it together for my missus and kids and they can see it.
Sorry guys, I just needed to get it off my chest...
It's natural to have those feelings now and again mate.
My grandad was my father figure because dad died when I was a young boy.
When grandad was ill in hospital I got a call when I was in work saying that I needed to be there.
I had cycled to work that day, and instead of cycling the 45 mins straight to the hospital, in my wisdom I decided to cycle home to get the car and drive there.
An hour later when I arrived at the hospital he'd gone
Maybe I was subconsciously stalling, I dunno.
I resolved to drop what I was doing if anything similar happened in the future and go straight there.
Fast forward 21 years to last month. Mum's memory had deteriorated rapidly this year, then her physical health waned in the summer, and she became bedridden in September at the age of 82.
I was visiting her daily after work and on weekends, but then one morning when in work I got "The call".
I had the car and was heading to mums, but then saw my phone was on 5% battery and thought it best to take a 20 min diversion home to get my charger and some spare pants and socks. After all, how long would I be there?
After changing course for home, I realised I was doing the same thing again 20 years later! I did a U turn (right in front of a no U turn sign lol) and drove straight to mum.
She died four days later and I was with her when she went.
Anyway, sorry for digressing but I wanted to say that it doesn't benefit anyone to beat yourself up about what you didn't do, or dwell on how things used to be.
All you can do is live in the moment and try to do the right thing now.
There are things grandad taught me that I do on a daily basis. I remember the catchphrases he used to live by. These demonstrated his values, and I try to live by them too.
