The OCUK anonymous confession thread!

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Vanilla said:
I uhm. Had sex with my best mates girlfriend. I felt really bad but then. i did it again =[
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Not kool. Especially when a similar thing happens to you. And ive still yet to confront my so called 'best friend' about stealing my g/f (one and a half years together) from my behind my back and then getting rid of her in a week, only to run back to his ex i spent 4-5 months helping him get over. Going to thoroughly re-arrange his face with my fists.
 
I’m in a dilemma.

I don’t think I love my wife anymore even thou she is the best wife i could ask for.

She does everything for me, i mean everything, i dont clean do the garden nothing, this isn’t because i cant be arsed but she is hyper and has to always be doing something, she actually enjoys it.

But why don’t love her, the sex is not great, she’s not willing to do anything different and has a low sex drive, infact its rock bottom and has been for years, this puts a real strain on things, as it used to be awesome not just when we first met, but years after we got married as well, for some reason she lost interest, we have spoke about it but she’s not willing to do anything, i wanted to speak to marriage counsellors but she wouldn’t have any of it.

Its not just the sex, when we got wed we decided not to have kids, that’s 8 years ago now, i have changed my mind, i want a family, im ready now, again she says that she doesn’t want them and will not even speak about it, she fly’s of the handle and goes mental.

Now we have been apart for nearly 2 months with one weekend visit in between due to work, when I got home all I got was moaned at, and I didn’t get any sex at all.

In my heart I don’t think she loves me like she used to, I know she has never cheated on me and I never have on her, however I have been close a few times, she has a lot more to lose than just a marriage, I took her away from a bad area, she gets everything she asks for, we both work but my pay is triple hers so she would lose her life style and would end up back to where she came from.

I dont know what to do i really don’t, do i stay or do i go, i do love her of course i do but shes not what i want any more (how selfish is that)
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By the time I was 26 I'd run up approximately £27,000 worth of unsecured debt.

I got my first Visa card when I was 20, I was working full time on around 18K, living at home. Within a couple of years I had a couple more cards and a flexible loan. I was spending a lot but I was managing the payments, (around £300 pm) everything was hunky-dory.

My work situation changed and it was tougher but still possible to meet the payments, unfortunately instead of tightening my belt I cranked it up a bit. I remember taking a 12K loan to pay off 2 Visas and another loan, which I did, but promptly racked up 7K on the Visas again (holidays, tvs, but most of it went on nights out), the next thing I knew I needed to come up with 600+ a month just to service the debt, which was at 27K by this point. I wasn't earning much more than that. I decided that I'd be damned if I was paying all my wages to the bank. So I stopped. This was around Jan 06. Within a couple of months I started getting default notices and bailiff threats (little did they know I only had about 2K worth of gear to show for it) so I took steps towards bankruptcy.

I spoke to the CAB who said I could take out an IVA, it sounded too good to be true. All the debts (essentially) written off and I only have to pay £100 pm for 3 years. Sure my credit rating would be kaput but I'd pretty much had my fill of credit anyway. I added up all my debts and (including some hefty overdrafts and a tax bill) it came to over £37K, I got a solicitor who took care of the rest and I was debt free for the first time in 8 years. \o/

I have to pay back under 4K. Safe to say Abbey National, HBOS and MBNA wont be giving me any money in the near future.

I don't think about it much any more, but very occasionally I look back at the rock star lifestyle I led for 3 years and think, "I'd do it all again"
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But why don’t love her, the sex is not great, she’s not willing to do anything different and has a low sex drive, infact its rock bottom and has been for years, this puts a real strain on things, as it used to be awesome not just when we first met, but years after we got married as well, for some reason she lost interest, we have spoke about it but she’s not willing to do anything, i wanted to speak to marriage counsellors but she wouldn’t have any of it.

Its not just the sex, when we got wed we decided not to have kids, that’s 8 years ago now, i have changed my mind, i want a family, im ready now, again she says that she doesn’t want them and will not even speak about it, she fly’s of the handle and goes mental.
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You gotta talk this out and get to the root of this. Sex and children can get tied in with the way a person sees their world and themselves. If she's 'flying off the handle' then there is a reason that she is flying off the handle, something she feels bad about that she doesn't think she can share for whatever reason.

I'd go to a therapist. I'd probably insist becasue the turmoil that such an ultimatum would cause would likely be better than ignoring the situation and letting it fall to **** because of the frustration that will result.

I'd consider an existential therapist, existential therapy is quite hip at the moment - if you want a good example of how existential therapy works then check out Love's Executioner by Irvin Yalom.
 
To marriage trouble guy... Tell her exactly what you have just told us.(Possibly miss out the part about her needing you more than you her.) If it really isn't going to work out, then its best to talk about it and find an ammicable way out, rather then ignore it and end up coming to blows in a few years. And no, its not selfish. You can't go on making her happy(Thats if she even is happy with the situation) if it makes you miserable. Good luck though.
 
To marriage guy.

You do realise her sex drive could be low because she does everything around the house. I know you said she had to be always doing something, but every so often lift a finger and help her out. Let her have a rest from housework and I bet soon enough you'll be having fun in the sack in no time.
 
Whitestar said:
To marriage guy.

You do realise her sex drive could be low because she does everything around the house. I know you said she had to be always doing something, but every so often lift a finger and help her out. Let her have a rest from housework and I bet soon enough you'll be having fun in the sack in no time.
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Failing that go out to a chemist and get her some horny goat weed :)
 
I’m in a dilemma.

I don’t think I love my wife anymore even thou she is the best wife i could ask for.

She does everything for me, i mean everything, i dont clean do the garden nothing, this isn’t because i cant be arsed but she is hyper and has to always be doing something, she actually enjoys it.

But why don’t love her, the sex is not great, she’s not willing to do anything different and has a low sex drive, infact its rock bottom and has been for years, this puts a real strain on things, as it used to be awesome not just when we first met, but years after we got married as well, for some reason she lost interest, we have spoke about it but she’s not willing to do anything, i wanted to speak to marriage counsellors but she wouldn’t have any of it.
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I totally know what you mean. I have a very high sex drive and I once came from a relationship when I was having sex two or three times every day to one where I was having sex sometimes once a week.

It's terribly frustrating and in end you have to do something about it. It's harder when you live with the person though - if you didn't you could probably just go and find someone else. Her low sex drive could be because of many things... not enough attention paid to her, no romance, the pill etc. However, I know it can make you feel that you're not fanciable whatever her reason.

Some people say sex 'gets in the way of a relationship' but for me it's a very important factor.
 
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