Y.A.R.T. (Yet Another Relationship Thread)..

[ZG002]

She would be moving out within the week if it was me, You are actually quite calm about it all. I'd be in some kind of crazy rage state. All the time and effort you have put into the relationship for her to throw it back in your face like she has.

Get shot before you go to aus for the month, Then you are a free man in aus with no real worries will give you time to think it all out and decide your next step.

 

[Nash]

Dump girl and go to Australia for your holiday. Make her move out first or she will bang someone else in your house whilst you're away.

 

[toshj]

"Im not a pet, i dont want to be a kept woman, i want to contribute equally - but i cant do the washing up etc as im too busy with uni so i feel like im not doing anything and your doing it all".

I hate to state the obvious, but this is possibly the worst excuse/reasoning ever. When has a student not had time to do the washing up? Granted student's can be lazy and not do the washing up, but to not have 5 mins a day in your first year to wash up sounds like she's throwing any old excuse at you to make you feel like it's your fault.

Sounds like she's hit a brick wall with the relationship to be honest. Best to put yourself first for a bit, and then see how it works out with the girl. Good luck!

 

[steve-h]

I read it all and I think you should get yourself a new girlfriend... I honestly don't see the point in continuing in the current one.

 

[Gackt]

Abandon ship. She probably slept with your brother and is sleeping with guys at Uni. Get out of there before you get an STD.

She'll end up breaking up with you, then get with some new guy very quickly and you'll feel like **** for the rest of your life because you should have kicked her out, given her a piece of your mind and possibly smashed in the new guy.

Sources:

Experience.

 

[Angilion]

[..] She went on saying that she hated living here, as she feels like shes not contributing - and complained about me basically looking after her, buying everything etc saying "Im not a pet, i dont want to be a kept woman, i want to contribute equally - but i cant do the washing up etc as im too busy with uni so i feel like im not doing anything and your doing it all". Now first, i find it nuts that a girl could be complaining about being taken care of "too much". Its like woah, there goes my chivalrous ideas.

Chivalry had some sort of relevance in later medieval times. It's ludicrous today. It certainly removes all possibility of an equal relationship. There is a profound difference between what you want from a relationship (the idealised medieval aristocratic gendered roles, at least in part) and what she wants from a relationship (sexual equality, apparently). She doesn't want a setup where you're a weird combination of master and servant to her and she has nothing to do in the relationship - the relationship is a thing that happens to her, not a thing she participates in.

So she wants to move back home, and go back to seeing me 3-4 times a week when shes done her uni stuff so she can focus on me and so shes not around me all the time "being suffocated".

Makes sense to me.

To me, this is a phased pull-out / break up, and i just dont see where the logic comes from.

Hopefully my paragraph above helps with that. But it could be a phased break up. No way to know in advance. Carrying on as you are now is definitely not a good option though, even if it remains an option.

She says she loves me, but then all this happens I dont know what to make of it. When we got together, we were thick as thieves, now it appears we have grown apart. My family live in Australia and she said she'd love to go over for a few years, but now that idea is "definitely off the table".

Of course it is - would you uproot your life and move somewhere else in a relationship you don't like with someone who wants fundamentally different things?

She also said to me:

"University comes first, our relationship/you are the least of my priorities at the minute"
"If i get a job anywhere in the UK after uni, I have to take it, regardless if your coming or not".

Are those actual quotes? If so, then it's game over. Attaching a high priority to her studying and her future work is one thing. So bluntly attaching such a low priority to her relationship with you is quite another.

Now im just sat here thinking, why am I bothering?

And I'm sat here thinking "Why is he bothering?".

But part of that is just me. I'm best suited to being single, it's just how I am.

I guess my question is, what would you do if you were me? I thought i was being a good boyfriend/partner in providing for her, protecting her and doing my best to make her life amazing, but apparently that is "smothering" and OTT.

I'd say it is.

Being taken care of is great on a very temporary basis either as a time for pampering or while you can't properly take care of yourself. If you're ill, then it's great. If you've gone to a health spa sort of thing for a couple of days to chill out and get massages, facials and suchlike, then it's great. If you're on holiday and you're staying in a nice hotel where other people will clean your room, do your washing, cook your food and bring it to you, then it's great.

Being taken care of long-term might be OK if you have a lot to do and you're being taken care of by servants so you can can get on with it. But modern technology removes most of the need for that. It's not like the past, when the lord of the manor would need servants to keep him in the manner to which he was accustomed.

But being taken care of long-term sucks donkey balls in normal life, let alone as a relationship. I work as a servant and I'm still cautious about taking care of people because it's very easily annoying and quite often insulting. It can easily undermine a person's independence.

So i should say "Stuff it, you can buy your own flaming drinks" to a woman next time?

There is a middle ground between the two extremes.

And am I right in thinking her moving out, is just a womans way of finishing with me slowly and "for my feelings"? Or is it a legitimate tactic for trying to make it work?

Could be either, but it's not restricted to women.

 

[theNude]

From your account it sounds like she is feeling smothered and needs to break away from it. whether that is because she wants out and this is her way of doing it or whether she just needs some space i am unsure as only she knows this.

The main thing i'd be concerned with is the fact that she has been messaging this other guy and thinks he is gorgeous etc. This means she is already thinking of other men in that way which means she is not thinking of you in that way.

Combined with the fact she is unhappy with the living arrangements i'd probably say that the relationship is soon to be over.

Putting her study's first is not a bad thing, maybe she is falling a little behind and is blaming your relationship on this? and as such she is thinking it has to be all or nothing, when in actual fact a relationship is perfectly possible whilst studying as long as the partner knows that they need to let work happen.

lack of sex life is a killer and usually a sign that things are not really working out. If you knee is better now maybe try and romance her or start flirting again to get it back on track? all seems a bit late now though.

you have two options really...

See how it goes, see what her real intentions are regarding the relationship. to be honest seeing each other 3-4 times a week is still an awful lot. I am normally happy with 1-2 days or maybe even 3 if its serious... although be aware that it may end soon.

Sit her down and talk to the girl, why she is thinking about other guys? what aspects are suffocating her? does she still want to be in a relationship with you? why does she think sex life is lacking?

I wouldn't knee jerk and break up, you haven't really fallen out over anything major just standard young people relationship qualms.

 

[Raymond Lin]

She's not the one it seems.

Move her, it appears that she already has.

 

[.Lethal]

Tell her to gtfo of your flat.

 

[[FnG]magnolia]

She's breaking up with you slowly but surely.

 

[neil_g]

So she texting some hot guy (money is on the brother) and has said openly you're not important to her.

I know what I'd do... Nuke from orbit, only way to be sure.

 

[SMN]

FYI: Dont worry about my brother, hes openly gay. Thanks for all the advice guys - definitely helps. Just have to go sleep on it now and see how i feel this week about what I want to do.

 

[pc_monkey]

She doesn't deserve you mate.

Have one last ******!

and move on...

 

[SteveOBHave]

Nah you need to dump that and move on. Don't entertain any thoughts of it getting better - she's not, she's just biding her time whilst you're still keeping her on the gravy train. I know it hurts and I know the romantic in you will keep thinking that it could swing back but the reality is that it's not. Sorry to hear it, but you should make the break whilst it's in your power to do so - do it on your terms, it's amazing what it does for your headspace when it's your decision and it's not forced on you.

 

[J-FRO]

Facebook was logged on and there was a message box up with one of her male friends[...] she was talking about how we never have sex any more, and how she has been texting this friend of hers and hes gorgeous etc. So naturally i flipped out, and confronted her and said my piece.

That's the point at which I would have packed her stuff up, put it all outside the door, locked the door from the inside and never spoken to her again.

Call me whatever name under the sun you like, but the fact that she'd been texting another guy and telling others she thinks he's gorgeous would be enough for me to cut it off. I wouldn't be dealing with the stress of not knowing what's going on there.

 

[neil_g]

FYI: Dont worry about my brother, hes openly gay.)

excellent! Not that he's gay.. That he's not tapping her.. Not that there's anything wrong with being gay...

Taxi!

 

[Fossil]

I have tried my best to help her, to read through things, do all the cooking/washing up etc so she can get them out the way in the hopes she'll be "happier" and back to what she was before.

I can understand paying the rent, etc but doing the housework too? It seems like you're her 'parents' rather than her BF.

Lesson learned. Don't be so 'nice' to your next GF.

 

[[TW]Fox]

What rubbish. How is a relationship going to further her (or even get her a) career?

That depends whether you think the most important thing in life is sharing it with a companion or whether you think the most important thing in life is furthering your career.

Which matters most depends entirely on the individual.

 

[Nash]

Update?

 

[icedbullet]

She says she wants to move out and hates it there.
Tell her she has a week. You want her out before you got to Australia.
IF she's there, you'll probably worry about what she's getting up to, in your house... even if she's not doing anything at all - you don't want your holiday ruined. I know I wouldn't.

She's basically said she doesn't want a future with you. If you happen to be around at the time, so be it, but that's not what she WANTS.

It's easy for me to say; I'm not the one still in love with her, but just move on. Say goodbye to her on fairly amicable terms and get on with your life. Relationships can and do sometimes fall apart, unfortunately. This is one of those relationships.

This is good advice, especially the bit about making her leave before you go on holiday.