you didn't ask the father did you?

[Feek]

No, I didn't and there was a good reason.

We'd been together for three months and were on holiday in Greece. We'd both had a fair bit to drink and in the evening, in bed, before we went to sleep I said something like "do you want to get married?". She replied yes and that was it.

In the morning, she asked if I remembered what I'd asked her the night before!

It was totally impromptu and there was no pre-planning or anything in advance. I couldn't have asked if I'd wanted.

 

[Beasty]

I did and then her Mother. Think he certainly appreciated it but not sure he expected me to, they had a funny relationship though so for a long time I never thought I'd ask him but they got a bit closer before.

Didn't end up marrying her though so :shrug: be interesting to see what life would be like, much more comfortable in every respect (Not always good!).

 

[dowie]

Surely it depends on the culture etc... and indeed the potential bride's personal views.

Not necessarily very respectful to her if she's a feminist and she finds out that you first asked her dad for permission out of "respect" for some patriarchal tradition. It does of course beg the question - what if he'd said no, would you be weak and just ditch her then because another man didn't permit you to marry? You respect the patriarchal tradition above her own autonomy? If you'd marry her regardless of whether he said no then you didn't really have any respect for his views in the first place so you're just pretending to respect some tradition.

If she's not British then it might not even be a tradition for her/her family.

 

[dirtychinchilla]

I did, and my wife wouldn't have been happy if I hadn't. They knew it was coming though - she chose her engagement ring so it was just a formality. It was very awkward though. I went round and it was her dad and her mum...they were delighted but I just wanted to talk to him really.

I would have married her either way, but it was no skin off my nose to be extra polite about the whole thing.

 

[ivrytwr3]

Yes, out of respect - although i am not sure what would have happened if he had said no. But with everything, you get a feeling how things are going to go.

We were at a family get together and i asked him to step outside!!! We had a chat, he shed a tear and gave his blessing.

That weekend i booked her and i a weekend away in a castle, hid a bottle of champagne in a cooler in the grounds.

A lone piper played and marched up and down the courtyard which signaled dinner was to be served. The courtyard was lit by flaming torches.

Had dinner, during which a guy playing a mandolin serenaded us.

Took her for walk among the grounds, popped the question and cracked the champagne - castle, flaming courtyards, pipers, serenading, lots of alcohol - she never stood a chance.

 

[BowdonUK]

Nope, and didnt get married in the end.

 

[413x]

No, I didn't and there was a good reason.

We'd been together for three months and were on holiday in Greece. We'd both had a fair bit to drink and in the evening, in bed, before we went to sleep I said something like "do you want to get married?". She replied yes and that was it.

In the morning, she asked if I remembered what I'd asked her the night before!

It was totally impromptu and there was no pre-planning or anything in advance. I couldn't have asked if I'd wanted.

Omg 3 months! You sir.. Are a brave man!

I did the first time, probably wouldn't time

 

[ttaskmaster]

NVM

 

[LabR@t]

No, but he was dead before I ever met her.

(I'm so helpful)

This, would have asked otherwise, I mean why not if you are getting married you are already following tradition

 

[Feef]

Ask the father? I didn't even ask my wife properly

It was more of a (drunken) conversation (in a tent at a car show) that drifted towards a conclusion that we should probably get married rather than a proposal.

We don't tend to do tradition for tradition sake (xmas dinner here is steak and chips), the wedding itself was very low key with minimal guests (Our parents plus my brother and his other half only) and anyone not invited didnt even know it was happening.

Pretty much this, except it was upstairs in the bar we went on to run, just sort of happened. Bit different as it was a Taiwanese family, but they are also very untraditional.

Likewise for the wedding, her parents, my mum and 4 friends in Hong Kong. Less said of the "traditional" wedding ceremony we had to do back in Taiwan a year later the better, that was 450 people and very uncomfortable for both of us

 

[Mr Joshua]

I didn't, as someone else posted, the thought of it makes my skin crawl.

 

[Zefan]

I was going to ask, but the moment I wanted to slipped away so it wouldn't have really worked. I'm glad I didn't because the idea did always seem a little unnatural. You don't have to ask, just do whatever you feel like doing. If you don't want to ask, don't pretend you do.

 

[robj20]

No what a stupid outdated idea. Got nothing to do with him.
After we got married my eldest neice and him if I asked.
He just said "no why would he, what's it got to do with me"

Also if you have any respect for your partner why imply her dad has ownership. She's her own person able to make her own decisions.

 

[Yas786]

No on both counts, first ones parents didn’t live in the country. The current one I couldn’t as both her mum and dad passed away wel before I met her.

 

[iamdjdz]

I asked my FIL if I could marry his daughter to which he replied "which one" closely followed with "it's not me who has to lie with her". Romance.

 

[The_Abyss]

Yes, more for his benefit than mine. He was delighted that I’d asked. Or more told him what I intended to do.

 

[A2Z]

My girlfriend has already told me I need to ask her father first, which I will when the time comes. More importantly though she told me I need to make sure her nails are done before the day I ask.

 

[Deleted member 651465]

I asked her mother, as my wife’s father is deceased.

 

[dowie]

Yes, more for his benefit than mine. He was delighted that I’d asked. Or more told him what I intended to do.

I think this approach you and Housey seem to have taken is perhaps a decent one, especially if you were to somehow involve them in planning a surprise proposal or something. It sort of comes across as ticking the box re: asking the father, but technically you're not really asking them.

My girlfriend has already told me I need to ask her father first, which I will when the time comes. More importantly though she told me I need to make sure her nails are done before the day I ask.

Gotta get in the all important social media post.

 

[Slam62]

My ex brother in law did, he sucked up to the FIL all the time, he ended up getting divorced and effectively going bankrupt.

I didn't because deep down I thought it was nothing to do with FIL , I'm still married 30 years later, don't think the FIL felt I gave him enough respect though the old git.