Should I split the bills by proportion?

[Castiel]

There is no way i would wish to have completely combined finances with that of my partner. My parents and all friends are the same too, we all do it in the way wicksta has mentioned, that being totally separate finances except for an agreed joint bills account contribution each month which covers the joint aspects of life.

It is none of my partners business how much money i am making, how much items i buy cost, or what i choose to buy. Just as it is none of mine to watch over and monitor the things she spends money on.

We'd end up having huge rows the whole time. Random example; this week i will be spending £2-3k on some little upgrades for one of my cars, upgrades which she will deem a *total* waste of money. I simply will not mention them to her as its up to myself only to buy these things. This works both ways with the fact that she will on an almost daily basis purchase new bags, clothes, jewellery, whatever, items which i would deem a total waste.

If these purchases were out of joint funds we would be going nuts at each-other? I would be very uncomfortable seeing thousands every month being spend on handbags and clothes, just as she would be uncomfortable with me using a joint account to frivolously chuck hundreds if not thousands into cars and other hobbies every month.

Cannot see it at all Castiel. In an ideal world maybe but there is no way we could manage it. As it is we share everything which is shared, and then we both use our own surplus' which we have earnt individually for our own hobbies and priorities.

I don't have any issues with the fact that my wife will spend a £600 on a handbag or pair of shoes, why would I. I would if we couldn't afford it, but then that would be true if we had separate accounts as well.

Not once has either of us complained about the cost of each other interests, it would seem a little strange to do so. Neither do I have anything to hide from my wife regarding my personal income, why would I, we are married after all.

I would feel uncomfortable if I had significantly greater disposable income than my wife tbh, and she feels the same. Having a single budget solves that as we have a joint disposable income and while I buy what I like, I wouldn't go and spend significant money on something without discussing it with her first. To me that is part of being married.

Each to their own of course, I simply do not fully understand why people need to separate themselves within a marriage in this way is all.

 

[Jez]

I guess this ties down (as you originally posted) about perhaps old fashioned marriage views. I simply am not interested in marriage. We probably will as legally it is easier, but i couldnt give a damn about its significance. It will be a legal tie only. We are commited, neither of us believe that we need to prove this in any way, marriage doesnt mean anything to us more than an official document illustrating something which already exists anyway.

 

[Morba]

Sounds like its more a case of "what they don't know won't hurt them" in Jez's case, which sounds a horrible way to have a relationship.

 

[boxman2000]

We just stick everything in one pot and everything comes out of there. I earn nearly 2.5x what my missus does but I think if we had separate accounts I would do 50/50.

 

[Randomface74]

If earning more than your other half feels wrong to you, then split proportionally for peace of mind.

 

[Jez]

Sounds like its more a case of "what they don't know won't hurt them" in Jez's case, which sounds a horrible way to have a relationship.

Absolutely not, we are individuals who work hard (on the whole) for our money. There is simply no need to combine things other than the shared aspects of life.

My parents are happily married after 30 years, i can assure you they would not class their relationship as "horrible" at all, and neither would i mine. They have never shared an account other than an insignificant central pot, as there is no need whatsoever. They are their own people regardless of their marital status with their own careers and own lives.

 

[Morba]

I guess it's different when money doesn't matter then tbh.

 

[Castiel]

Absolutely not, we are individuals who work hard (on the whole) for our money. There is simply no need to combine things other than the shared aspects of life.

My parents are happily married after 30 years, i can assure you they would not class their relationship as "horrible" at all, and neither would i mine. They have never shared an account other than an insignificant central pot, as there is no need whatsoever. They are their own people regardless of their marital status with their own careers and own lives.

What happens when one of you can no longer earn, as in having children or unemployment. Do you, like my aforementioned friends simply continue with the separate finances?

I can't understand why either of you feel the need to keep secrets from each other regarding your finances, or why either would get upset over what the other spends within what you can afford.

As for the shared aspects of life, I see my marriage as sharing all aspects of my life with my wife and vice versa regardless of whether we share the particular interest or not.

 

[booyaka]

Not once has either of us complained about the cost of each other interests, it would seem a little strange to do so. Neither do I have anything to hide from my wife regarding my personal income, why would I, we are married after all.

I would feel uncomfortable if I had significantly greater disposable income than my wife tbh, and she feels the same. Having a single budget solves that as we have a joint disposable income and while I buy what I like, I wouldn't go and spend significant money on something without discussing it with her first. To me that is part of being married.

Each to their own of course, I simply do not fully understand why people need to separate themselves within a marriage in this way is all.

Totally agree with above - i earn twice what my wife does, but we have one single joint account with everything going in and out of the one account.

If one of us wants to purchase a large/expensive item which is out of the norm, then we would discuss it like adults. All direct debit out of the one account, no hassles at all. She is currently on maternity leave so likely the income will drop to a few hundred quid a month but nothing will change. That's what a marriage is about in my eyes.

 

[Jez]

I guess it's different when money doesn't matter then tbh.

In what sense do you believe that money does not matter to myself, or anybody else who holds the view that there is simply no need? Regardless of the number of involved you simply put the shared aspects of your lives into figures, and both contribute to an account which sees these paid.

You set it up, it rarely needs to be revisited and you both carry on your lives as usual. I don't understand what there is to disagree on with this method of arranging things. Its very clean, simple, and you both remain your own people with your own lives removing the vulgarity of money from the equation whatsoever. As a result we are very happy and simply never have the need to even consider joint financial aspects.

 

[Basher]

Regardless of the number of involved you simply put the shared aspects of your lives into figures, and both contribute to an account which sees these paid.

I think this is what it comes down to. I believe in my relationship (not married) that 100% is shared, so we put everything in one pot

 

[LordSplodge]

This thread shows why money is one of the biggest causes of relationship breakdowns.

 

[Morba]

In what sense do you believe that money does not matter to myself, or anybody else who holds the view that there is simply no need? Regardless of the number of involved you simply put the shared aspects of your lives into figures, and both contribute to an account which sees these paid.

You set it up, it rarely needs to be revisited and you both carry on your lives as usual. I don't understand what there is to disagree on with this method of arranging things. Its very clean, simple, and you both remain your own people with your own lives removing the vulgarity of money from the equation whatsoever.

Money is only vulgar if you let it be, having to hide things from each other due to it is rather bad imo.
I didn't say that money doesn't matter to you, but you are talking from a position that most people on here will not be in. You have enough to find your bills and drop £3k on "small" upgrades to your car. That is wildly different to most on this forum I am sure.

 

[Jez]

What happens when one of you can no longer earn, as in having children or unemployment. Do you, like my aforementioned friends simply continue with the separate finances?

There is the possibility that these things could happen to my partner i suppose. But there is no issue, if she suddenly has no income then i simply maintain the bills account, and replace her salary until she is able to resume work.

Its really no issue?

 

[Castiel]

I think this is what it comes down to. I believe in my relationship (not married) that 100% is shared, so we put everything in one pot

Quite. I would be uncomfortable putting a numerical percentage value on aspects of our relationship tbh.

We are 100% together, that is it.

 

[Morba]

There is the possibility that these things could happen to my partner i suppose. But there is no issue, if she suddenly has no income then i simply maintain the bills account, and replace her salary until she is able to resume work.

Its really no issue?

So what is the issue in doing that all of the time? You will happily find her lavish lifestyle while she is not earning, why is it an issue to just have one fund all the time?

 

[Jez]

Money is only vulgar if you let it be, having to hide things from each other due to it is rather bad imo.
I didn't say that money doesn't matter to you, but you are talking from a position that most people on here will not be in. You have enough to find your bills and drop £3k on "small" upgrades to your car. That is wildly different to most on this forum I am sure.

Remove the specific figures, the principles are identical?

There is no hiding, its simply maintaining your own life and keeping your own business your own. There is no secrecy at all, its simply that there is no need to share financial matters with each-other.

The financials need not be shared or even enter into discussion within a relationship. Its worked this way for over 30 years for my parents, and seems to be working well for us too on the same principle.

 

[Castiel]

There is the possibility that these things could happen to my partner i suppose. But there is no issue, if she suddenly has no income then i simply maintain the bills account, and replace her salary until she is able to resume work.

Its really no issue?

That sounds horribly like charity to me. How would she feel about you just giving her money in that way.

Would it not be simpler to just share the finances and when she is able to earn simply add to those finances. What if she decides to become a full time mother?

 

[Dreadi]

We do 50/50. We have a joint account and we both transfer over the same amount of money each month and the council tax, bills, food etc all come out of that account.

Same as i do it with the misses in our place we rent. Altho the broadband comes out of my account as she would have been happy not having it (even though she does use it) but there was no way i was gonna live without it lol

 

[Jez]

So what is the issue in doing that all of the time? You will happily find her lavish lifestyle while she is not earning, why is it an issue to just have one fund all the time?

The process of thought there is that the reason one of you would be out of work would be through joint decision or unavoidable predicament, and would generally be on a temporary basis only.