The OcUK Relationship Counselling and Hugs Thread

MisChief said:
Hmm.. Don't really know how I'm feeling at the moment. Looking on Facebook now, I can see:

- friends posting photos of their babies
- updates and photos from an ex about his his new house purchase with his girlfriend
- photos of friends and their engagement rings
- photos of weddings
- check ins of friends and their other halves when they're out and about

Knew I shouldn't have re-activated my account... :o

I'm not jealous of my friends, but maybe a bit envious. I'm not desperate, I don't feel lonely, I don't feel sad. However, I do feel a little lost. Like I'm plodding along in life and will quite possibly end up growing old alone.

I've been single for 5 and a half years now. I don't really get the chance to meet anyone new because I hardly go out these days (friends are all busy). I've tried the whole online dating thing but I gave up on it. I don't have to be single but I choose to - because I refuse to be with someone who I'm not 100% happy with just so I won't be alone. I'm too picky. Too confident. Too proud. Too independent.

It feels wrong for me to 'lower' my standards and just get with a not-so-perfect guy just for the sake of not being single. It would be unfair on the other person and will most definitely not be true happiness.

What to do.
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ditto! but just keep plodding a long. Don't question just work hard and play hard. :)
 
MisChief said:
It feels wrong for me to 'lower' my standards and just get with a not-so-perfect guy just for the sake of not being single. It would be unfair on the other person and will most definitely not be true happiness.

What to do.
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Shallow much? I bet you've **** loads of flaws.
 
^TANK^ said:
Shallow much? I bet you've **** loads of flaws.
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Dude, you're like the most aggressive relationship counsellor in existence. Why should anybody settle for less than what they think is perfection? Everybody is flawed in some way, but that doesn't necessarily detract from a person's qualities. The perfect person could be somebody who is not in the slightest bit bothered by your flaws.

Why get into a relationship with somebody you're not fussed about for the fear of some braindead thinkpiece around being branded shallow? Tina's right, somebody will just end up getting hurt.
 
MisChief said:
Hmm.. Don't really know how I'm feeling at the moment. Looking on Facebook now, I can see:

- friends posting photos of their babies
- updates and photos from an ex about his his new house purchase with his girlfriend
- photos of friends and their engagement rings
- photos of weddings
- check ins of friends and their other halves when they're out and about

Knew I shouldn't have re-activated my account... :o

I'm not jealous of my friends, but maybe a bit envious. I'm not desperate, I don't feel lonely, I don't feel sad. However, I do feel a little lost. Like I'm plodding along in life and will quite possibly end up growing old alone.

I've been single for 5 and a half years now. I don't really get the chance to meet anyone new because I hardly go out these days (friends are all busy). I've tried the whole online dating thing but I gave up on it. I don't have to be single but I choose to - because I refuse to be with someone who I'm not 100% happy with just so I won't be alone. I'm too picky. Too confident. Too proud. Too independent.

It feels wrong for me to 'lower' my standards and just get with a not-so-perfect guy just for the sake of not being single. It would be unfair on the other person and will most definitely not be true happiness.

What to do.
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If you dont mind me asking, how old are you?

First thing you should do is remove ex from facebook. I empathise with what you are saying about refusing to be with someone who you are not 100% happy with ...similar situation to me.

There is this female friend of mine (known her for years) sure i think she is great, attractive and funny etc and it would be easy for me to fall into that relationship but i know it would be a mistake that would probably ruin the friendship. The problem is she has various mental health issues...perhaps we can call them quirks.....but they drive me up the wall.....for example...one time i was staying at hers and i was cleaning my shoes in the kitchen on the kitchentop....yes i know this is a big no no. Anyway she came in and went completely ballistic....(obviously i knew about the health gerns etc issue and would have cleaned up afterwards) but she went ott imo. Anyway i apologised and she kicked me out of the house (we were both going to a party she just kicked me out early and she couldnt deal with me being in the house at that point). So at the party she the rags about what i did to her friends...to my view making me look bad....in my mind if someone apologises sincerely for something that should be the end of it. But anyway i wont say anymore but little incidents like this (there has been others) stop me EVER getting into a relationship with her....which is a great shame but ce's la vies.

But you should definitely get out more. Prince Charming isn't going to be knocking on your door you know ;) I'm afraid life is not what its like in the movies...e.g. LOVE ACTUALLY.....its all a fantasy its not real.
 
Abraxaz1 said:
Hey guys and girl, kinda need some advice.

So here is the whiny pathetic back story;
I've never been classed as a ladies man, as I have the same physical attractiveness as a major road accident. So I've not exactly the most confident person in the world when it comes to the opposite sex, in fact most cases I seem to be totally ignored. So please understand when I meet a girl that’s willing to talk to something like me, my first thought is not sex or anything in that general facility.

Anyway I decided to go on holiday by myself (all my friends are married or working abroad) and was surprised by girls actually being friendly to me, which is quite a switch from my normal life. Anyway I got a few new Facebook friends and invites to visit them in there home countries but this one girl happened to live near me back in the UK.

We seemed to hit it off, spending a lot of time in each others company as we explored the city and within the hostel, hell we spent six hours just talking to each other and if I'm going to be a hundred percent honest I fell for her, she's funny, confident and has the most amazing smile and worse poker face in the world. We traded Facebook messages as I had to leave the next day to catch my train back north.

Since then we've traded hundreds of message over Facebook and funny images, one day she figured out that I really liked her and she confronted me about my feelings, I admitted that I really liked her.
She then in the most kindest way turns me down, stating I'm not her type; tall dark and handsome.
The next couple of day's and nights she spends trying to apologise and make me feel better, whilst I keep telling her that it wasn't her fault simply a misunderstanding. In the end were now friends.

Roll on two weeks, the guy she's been really into turns out to be a complete and utter male chicken in every possible way. I then being a friend deal with the emotional fallout, as I am used to it and have quite a bit of wisdom in this area and manage to make her smile and laugh again, shes now currently following my advice which involves tell him where to go and to concentrate on her life instead of seeking someone else's approval.

The problem.
She facebook'd me that she’s going to Scotland for a couple of days and asked if I wanted to go, I said yes and now I'm completely screwed up, I thought I had killed my feelings for her but they keep resurfacing every time she texts me.

I really don't want to cut off like I do when I'm normally rejected because this girl is awesome to be around, we have so much fun. Its like I’m a completely different person. But I know I cant make someone return my feelings and I don’t want to force something that isn't there or flog a dead horse.

TL: DR
Boy meets girl, boy and girl have fun become friends. Boy develops feelings for girl, Girl shoots boy down, Boy and girl stay friends, Girl proposes that her and boy go on holiday together, boy is completely and utterly lost in the effluent storm that is his thoughts.

Anyway what do you guys recommend
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Well today I told her were to go swivel.
She decided to date the usual 6 foot 3 chiselled rectum, who surprise surprise cheats on her within the first month.
She then spent the last 2 days bitching to me about her boyfriend and all I was thinking was "I could have treated you a lot better". So I told her i wasn't interested and now I'm being a dick for no reason.

Why are all the women I meet only interested in looks.
 
Abraxaz1 said:
Well today I told her were to go swivel.
She decided to date the usual 6 foot 3 chiselled rectum, who surprise surprise cheats on her within the first month.
She then spent the last 2 days bitching to me about her boyfriend and all I was thinking was "I could have treated you a lot better". So I told her i wasn't interested and now I'm being a dick for no reason.

Why are all the women I meet only interested in looks.
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Good on you!

All I was thinking was "I could have treated you a lot better"?

Tell her in her face. Tell her what we are telling you.

"You had the chance to be with someone who will not cheat on you. I am not your emotional tampon. I am not your punching bag. You lost your chance."

And go get the next girl :D
 
Abraxaz1 said:
Why are all the women I meet only interested in looks.
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Women are only interested in looks until they are single parents, hit mid to late 30's, develop crows feet and their waist line increases by at least 2 dress sizes.

Still fair play to you, you did the right thing.
 
The__Malteser said:
Good on you!

All I was thinking was "I could have treated you a lot better"?

Tell her in her face. Tell her what we are telling you.

"You had the chance to be with someone who will not cheat on you. I am not your emotional tampon. I am not your punching bag. You lost your chance."

And go get the next girl :D
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err don't.

Why bother giving her the "you could have had me, but.." line? If the roles were reversed, and you didn't care for that person much, would that line actually mean anything to you? It just shows that you're bitter and that you'd jump at the drop of a hat if she was to appear to change her mind.

You're basically attempting to play mind games and you'll lose. Have pride, ignore her.
 
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Abraxaz1 said:
Well today I told her were to go swivel.
She decided to date the usual 6 foot 3 chiselled rectum, who surprise surprise cheats on her within the first month.
She then spent the last 2 days bitching to me about her boyfriend and all I was thinking was "I could have treated you a lot better". So I told her i wasn't interested and now I'm being a dick for no reason.

Why are all the women I meet only interested in looks.
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Don't go down the fedora wearing, neck bearded moron route of thinking all women are like this.

True everyone has a base level of attraction (would YOU honestly find every woman attractive?), but for most people there is more.

She is just a toxic person that KNOWS you like her, doesn't want you, but likes to be able to chat **** to you (everyone else is probably tired of the whining).

Just cut ties, she sounds toxic and has a negative rather than positive influence in your life.

Move on to bigger and better (whilst reminding yourself that some woman just don't want to be more than friends. ;) )
 
sports_brah said:
She is just a toxic person that KNOWS you like her, doesn't want you, but likes to be able to chat **** to you (everyone else is probably tired of the whining).
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Yep, been there before. Mind games are not cool.

Best thing you can possibly do given the circumstances is bang her mum. :D
 
hold on a minute...

so you told her where to go? or did you just say you couldnt go on the trip with her and she said you were a dick for that??

Sounds like to me that you stayed a friend with a woman who you fancy but are unable to cope with just being their friend. So when naturally she talks to you about her bfs etc this annoys you....hrmmm

Maybe im being judgemental but sounds to me you wanted to bone her (whereas she wanted to be your friend) and when you were shot down you kinda didnt want to be her friend anymore?

My bad if this is waaaay off base.
 
Theophany said:
Dude, you're like the most aggressive relationship counsellor in existence.
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Tank.. "relationship counsellor"? ha ha ha you funny boi! :D

Surfer said:
If you dont mind me asking, how old are you?

First thing you should do is remove ex from facebook. I empathise with what you are saying about refusing to be with someone who you are not 100% happy with ...similar situation to me.

There is this female friend of mine (known her for years) sure i think she is great, attractive and funny etc and it would be easy for me to fall into that relationship but i know it would be a mistake that would probably ruin the friendship. The problem is she has various mental health issues...perhaps we can call them quirks.....but they drive me up the wall.....for example...one time i was staying at hers and i was cleaning my shoes in the kitchen on the kitchentop....yes i know this is a big no no. Anyway she came in and went completely ballistic....(obviously i knew about the health gerns etc issue and would have cleaned up afterwards) but she went ott imo. Anyway i apologised and she kicked me out of the house (we were both going to a party she just kicked me out early and she couldnt deal with me being in the house at that point). So at the party she the rags about what i did to her friends...to my view making me look bad....in my mind if someone apologises sincerely for something that should be the end of it. But anyway i wont say anymore but little incidents like this (there has been others) stop me EVER getting into a relationship with her....which is a great shame but ce's la vies.

But you should definitely get out more. Prince Charming isn't going to be knocking on your door you know ;) I'm afraid life is not what its like in the movies...e.g. LOVE ACTUALLY.....its all a fantasy its not real.
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I'm 27. Yeah there's really not much point in keeping my ex on Facebook, however I can't remove him right now - not after the recent updates of him moving into his new house with his GF :p Not like anyone would notice if I unfriend him, but then again his updates etc doesn't bother or upset me so I don't see why I should remove him.

Yep I need to get out more. Work has calmed down a lot now, so there's no excuse with me being busy. Oh I don't believe in the BS fairy tales and romantic dramas etc. It's not so much 'waiting for the right guy to come along'... it's more, 'I need to stop being picky and change my attitude'.
 
MisChief said:
Tank.. "relationship counsellor"? ha ha ha you funny boi! :D

I'm 27. Yeah there's really not much point in keeping my ex on Facebook, however I can't remove him right now - not after the recent updates of him moving into his new house with his GF :p Not like anyone would notice if I unfriend him, but then again his updates etc doesn't bother or upset me so I don't see why I should remove him.

Yep I need to get out more. Work has calmed down a lot now, so there's no excuse with me being busy. Oh I don't believe in the BS fairy tales and romantic dramas etc. It's not so much 'waiting for the right guy to come along'... it's more, 'I need to stop being picky and change my attitude'.
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Your ex of 7 years I think it was, I'm guessing he wasn't Mr Perfect since he's your ex? Were you always as picky as you are now, or did that develop later on?
 
Broken Hope said:
Your ex of 7 years I think it was, I'm guessing he wasn't Mr Perfect since he's your ex? Were you always as picky as you are now, or did that develop later on?
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He is my ex because I wasn't perfect. I was too clingy, needy, lacked independence, clueless as to where my life was heading and skint. He broke up with me and that was the best thing that's ever happened to me because it changed me completely - perhaps a bit too much. I'm now too strict and harsh on myself as well as others and I know it's not doing me any good.

Easy to say I need to change, but hard to actually do it :o
 
MisChief said:
He is my ex because I wasn't perfect. I was too clingy, needy, lacked independence, clueless as to where my life was heading and skint. He broke up with me and that was the best thing that's ever happened to me because it changed me completely - perhaps a bit too much. I'm now too strict and harsh on myself as well as others and I know it's not doing me any good.

Easy to say I need to change, but hard to actually do it :o
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Don't worry about it I'm the same as you.
 
Ok, so I've just broken up, slash been broken up with a girl I've been with around nine months. Obviously not all that long, but it was pretty serious, lots of talk about our future together, felt right.

Since she got a new job, became very stressed, moved away, she completely drifted away from me. It was a shame, because together, everything was perfect; great chemistry, fantastic sex, lots in common and very close.

Because of how she's felt (stressed, not wanting to be in a relationship to focus on herself etc), we took a bit of a break, which yesterday turned into a "Don't wait for me, I'm being selfish and need to be selfish for a bit". As I say, it's a real shame because she definitely still loves me, just doesn't want the commitment.

So, I was a bit bummed about that, as it's a waste of a great connection and love, but when I started weighing it up, I came to terms with it, realised it's a pretty good thing (as there were several negatives my end, her being a nuisance/inconvenience etc), and we still stay friends/have discussed the occasional booty call. I'm about to move to a new city, and being single is great fun, I know that. So everything's super positive, really!

But I really can't shake being bummed about it. I wake up sad, and have to remind myself how positive it is, how I have to prepare to move on and be happy. I just can't feel it though, not naturally. In the words of David at the Dentist, is this going to be forever? :(
 
Outline said:
Ok, so I've just broken up, slash been broken up with a girl I've been with around nine months. Obviously not all that long, but it was pretty serious, lots of talk about our future together, felt right.

Since she got a new job, became very stressed, moved away, she completely drifted away from me. It was a shame, because together, everything was perfect; great chemistry, fantastic sex, lots in common and very close.

Because of how she's felt (stressed, not wanting to be in a relationship to focus on herself etc), we took a bit of a break, which yesterday turned into a "Don't wait for me, I'm being selfish and need to be selfish for a bit". As I say, it's a real shame because she definitely still loves me, just doesn't want the commitment.

So, I was a bit bummed about that, as it's a waste of a great connection and love, but when I started weighing it up, I came to terms with it, realised it's a pretty good thing (as there were several negatives my end, her being a nuisance/inconvenience etc), and we still stay friends/have discussed the occasional booty call. I'm about to move to a new city, and being single is great fun, I know that. So everything's super positive, really!

But I really can't shake being bummed about it. I wake up sad, and have to remind myself how positive it is, how I have to prepare to move on and be happy. I just can't feel it though, not naturally. In the words of David at the Dentist, is this going to be forever? :(
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Sorry to hear buddy!
Be careful about going back for "booty call", or scratching the old itch. It can lead to a lot of complications, and can end up hurting, and if you still have feelings, it opens you up to a lot of hurt (been there done that, got the tshirt)

Don't be afraid to be sad or hurt, but just be positive, do things you enjoy, join the gym, stuff like that. Just become happy by yourself.

I'm only just approaching 1 year single from my 4 year relationship, still find it hard even though I should be fine by now!
 
Outline said:
Ok, so I've just broken up, slash been broken up with a girl I've been with around nine months. Obviously not all that long, but it was pretty serious, lots of talk about our future together, felt right.

Since she got a new job, became very stressed, moved away, she completely drifted away from me. It was a shame, because together, everything was perfect; great chemistry, fantastic sex, lots in common and very close.

Because of how she's felt (stressed, not wanting to be in a relationship to focus on herself etc), we took a bit of a break, which yesterday turned into a "Don't wait for me, I'm being selfish and need to be selfish for a bit". As I say, it's a real shame because she definitely still loves me, just doesn't want the commitment.

So, I was a bit bummed about that, as it's a waste of a great connection and love, but when I started weighing it up, I came to terms with it, realised it's a pretty good thing (as there were several negatives my end, her being a nuisance/inconvenience etc), and we still stay friends/have discussed the occasional booty call. I'm about to move to a new city, and being single is great fun, I know that. So everything's super positive, really!

But I really can't shake being bummed about it. I wake up sad, and have to remind myself how positive it is, how I have to prepare to move on and be happy. I just can't feel it though, not naturally. In the words of David at the Dentist, is this going to be forever? :(
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you've got the right mindset for this tbh :) give it a couple of weeks and you'll get used to the fact that its over.. had no problems ending my 2 year relationship tbh :)
 
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