The OcUK Relationship Counselling and Hugs Thread

manic111 said:
Urgh, so we had a bit of a falling out today. In essence, I said that it feels like we're drifting apart (which in hindsight may not have been smart) and she flew off the handle. She's effectively said that I need to commit to her fully and "show" it (no idea how!), or we're done.
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If you feel that way, there's no point in keeping quiet and pretending different. If that's what you feel, then that's what you feel. It's not a good sign for you to tell her what you're thinking, and she gives you an ultimatum and some kind of vague and impossible task, with the threat of her dumping you. How about she does something to help you deal with the fact you're feeling neglected and abandoned, instead of offering to dump you if you don't pretend everything is fine with some grand gesture to make her feel good?

manic111 said:
Frankly I've no idea how I'm meant to commit to her fully when she's only home quarterly and there's little evidence of her working particularly hard to return home on a permanent basis, but equally it seems silly to let it drop now before we see each other in late June and decide what to do when we're face to face.

No idea what to do. She's lovely and were she here I could genuinely see us being together for a long time - possibly forever - but I'm quite rational whereas at times, in discussions like this, she hears what she wants to (or doesn't want to) hear and utterly loses it.
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Well put some of the responsibility back onto her. What's her commitment going to be? Tell her if she sorts out her stupid job and makes a commitment to actually be with you, then she'll get a commitment back. It looks like your June meeting is going to be a crunch time and you're going to have to decide if you are going to be together or go your separate ways.

The problem in your relationship is being apart because of her job. If she can't or won't work towards fixing that in some meaningful way, then put a fork in it, the relationship is done, either now, or twelve months from now when you've got fed up of waiting for her.
 
If I was you I would run now, my personal experience is when I tried to fix mine was that it goes back to how it was after the honeymoon period is over
 
I don't think it's on her to fix her "stupid job". She's allowed to enjoy her career and many people would kill for a job where they got to see the world.

The problem is when you tell a woman you're drifting apart they'll think you've found someone else and you're letting them down easily.

Neither of you can fully commit under current circumstances, it doesn't mean anything if you tell each other that when you're thousands of miles apart for months on end. You need to choose whether you can live with her traveling for her career or effectively "man up" and end things now as I don't see much point of wasting months or maybe years for someone who might never work full time again in the UK or even in an area of the UK you want to live.
 
Feeling pretty much destroyed.

I've been close friends with someone who I dated for around 6 months which I finished. The friendship has nearly been going on 3 years and was brilliant. We both dated others but nothing went anywhere. She has now finally met someone and its really hit me, I thought my feelings were just friendship but they must have grown with attachment. I realised she meant much more but we both wanted different things (I have a kid and don't want more, she wants them)

So anyway I've had to break away and hopefully months, years down the line we can be friends when it's died off. On top of that my anxiety is really flaring so makes the cutting ties for even harder.

Finding someone I like who doesn't want kids seems to be impossible!
 
Had hoped i wouldn't be posting here again but here i am....

Has anyone here left a relationship where young children are involved? Facing the same reality myself at the moment and don't want to leave the kids but can't keep going as it is. Would really like to take them with me but don't want to end up going through the courts.
 
TheMeekon said:
Feeling pretty much destroyed.

I've been close friends with someone who I dated for around 6 months which I finished. The friendship has nearly been going on 3 years and was brilliant. We both dated others but nothing went anywhere. She has now finally met someone and its really hit me, I thought my feelings were just friendship but they must have grown with attachment. I realised she meant much more but we both wanted different things (I have a kid and don't want more, she wants them)

So anyway I've had to break away and hopefully months, years down the line we can be friends when it's died off. On top of that my anxiety is really flaring so makes the cutting ties for even harder.

Finding someone I like who doesn't want kids seems to be impossible!
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Yeah it is tough. Finding someone who doesn't want kids. I think there will be more people like that as time goes on.
Best thing is (imo) to just break away.
 
Tefal said:
you're only short of options inside your relationship, outside of it jesus its a hailstorm of options
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That's easy to say as a good looking male with a good body and a solid job. No homo :p

Most men aren't drowning in it (it's like an 80:20 rule in the singles market) and there's a big difference between having sexual options and a monogamous relationship.
 
Ayahuasca said:
That's easy to say as a good looking male with a good body and a solid job. No homo :p

Most men aren't drowning in it (it's like an 80:20 rule in the singles market) and there's a big difference between having sexual options and a monogamous relationship.
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thats still options.

theres millions of people out there tens of thousands in your own town.

versus 1 whos only here 3 months a year?


it's like an 80:20 rule in the singles market)
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given we have a 50/50 population split that's not really possible :p
 
Ayahuasca said:
It's nice to see you've completely missed the point of that rule.
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oh i get the point you're trying to make, that women on dating sites etc have all the power all the options and capick the best of the best aplicants while the men are left to fight for scraps.

it's just not true though, its a bit self fulfilling if you believe it but if you don't then its not.

set yourself out exactly as those you wish to seek do and you'll find them.

Stop being gewneral start being specific is my best advice

You're awesome, look for someone equally awesome.
 
It is true though, you've likely never experienced it so it's hard to believe, sites like okcupid even did research on it and that's just on pictures alone where people can make themselves look better than in person. https://theblog.okcupid.com/your-looks-and-your-inbox-8715c0f1561e

If you want to be more scientific just look at our DNA history where 80% of females reproduced with 40% of males.

I'm not against the way things are, it's normal and we see it all over the animal kingdom, where the biggest, strongest, more attractive, most resourceful males are the ones who reproduce with the females.
 
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It's all down to looks plan and simple. Females can see your looks from a distance or picture not your personality, that's 2nd.

Looks attracts, personality keep them there but always remember you are not going to be everyone's type. That's life.
 
Tefal said:
oh i get the point you're trying to make, that women on dating sites etc have all the power all the options and capick the best of the best aplicants while the men are left to fight for scraps.

it's just not true though, its a bit self fulfilling if you believe it but if you don't then its not.

set yourself out exactly as those you wish to seek do and you'll find them.

Stop being gewneral start being specific is my best advice

You're awesome, look for someone equally awesome.
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This really. You could be the ugliest duckling in the pond but confidence is everything. I'm not exactly beautiful but I'm absolutely wonderful and portray myself as such :p Needless to say, finding a girl hasn't been difficult. It's the stupid old alpha crap. You've sometimes just got to man up and go take, because they're not coming for you, you've got to go and get them.
 
malachi said:
It's all down to looks plan and simple. Females can see your looks from a distance or picture not your personality, that's 2nd.

Looks attracts, personality keep them there but always remember you are not going to be everyone's type. That's life.
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totally not true.

normally or in a depressive mood I look exactly the same as i do in a manic phase.

in a manic phase i have epic levels of confidence, normally i dont.

when in a phase i can stand at the side of a club dance floor (i don't dance) and be approached by several women in a night, during a depressive phase with no confidence i can do the exact same thing and get no one approach me
 
Tefal said:
totally not true.

normally or in a depressive mood I look exactly the same as i do in a manic phase.

in a manic phase i have epic levels of confidence, normally i dont.

when in a phase i can stand at the side of a club dance floor (i don't dance) and be approached by several women in a night, during a depressive phase with no confidence i can do the exact same thing and get no one approach me
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Aren't you a tall decent looking guy to begin with though? You do realise that having all the confidence in the world isn't going to get women to find you attractive if you aren't decent looking? Have you approached many unattractive girls because of their personality?
 
Roar87 said:
Aren't you a tall decent looking guy to begin with though? You do realise that having all the confidence in the world isn't going to get women to find you attractive if you aren't decent looking? Have you approached many unattractive girls because of their personality?
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This is so evidently incorrect.
 
Roar87 said:
Aren't you a tall decent looking guy to begin with though? You do realise that having all the confidence in the world isn't going to get women to find you attractive if you aren't decent looking? Have you approached many unattractive girls because of their personality?
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Im only 5'10" and while ive got a bit above average body its nothing ripped or special tbh face is kinda weird.


But if it was a case of purely looks then id get approached all the time not just when im confidant.
 
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