conversation, how?

paradisiac · 12 Jul 2012 at 23:19

FoxEye said:
And you don't feel like you're missing out, huh? I don't drink to get drunk these days, but there are some supremely nice tasting beverages. Ignore your cheap lagers, there are some amazing ales, ciders, perries... don't you even like the taste anymore?

I must admit, I got wasted on cheap drink, so maybe that has skewed my idea of how alcohol as a whole is. I don't feel like I miss out through lack of alcohol, I do however feel that I was socially excluded on many instance as I wasn't 'one of the lads' going to the pub every weekend (no one wants to invite the weird guy that only drinks soft drinks).

FoxEye · 12 Jul 2012 at 23:28

paradisiac said:
I must admit, I got wasted on cheap drink, so maybe that has skewed my idea of how alcohol as a whole is.

Find something you enjoy, which you aren't just drinking for the effect, but for the taste.

I stopped drinking lager after uni, I can't stand the stuff. Ale/bitter is a lot nicer. And these days I'm on cider, alcoholic ginger beer, etc

Because they taste great and are easy to drink.

You don't have to get wasted

Moothead2 · 12 Jul 2012 at 23:29

I experience the same kind of thing even with extended family members, I just don't know what to say to them. If they start asking questions I'll answer them and usually ask a few then minutes later the conversation just comes to a grinding halt and I just don't know what else to say. If the conversation starts slow it's even worse. I can join in conversations when there are more than 2 people in them as I can just chip in at certain times but 1 on 1 it's just too difficult too keep it going longer than a few minutes

.

FoxEye · 12 Jul 2012 at 23:30

Moothead2 said:
I experience the same kind of thing even with extended family members, I just don't know what to say to them. If they start asking questions I'll answer them and usually ask a few then minutes later the conversation just comes to a grinding halt and I just don't know what else to say. If the conversation starts slow it's even worse. I can join in conversations when there are more than 2 people in them as I can just chip in at certain times but 1 on 1 it's just too difficult too keep it going longer than a few minutes .

We should totally have a group session like the AA.

Fuzz · 12 Jul 2012 at 23:31

Get down the pub and fake waiting for someone..
Sit by the window and look out a lot and check your watch repeatedly, then after half an hour move on to the next pub and repeat.

Voila, you no longer look like the weird guy, just someone who got stood up.

paradisiac · 12 Jul 2012 at 23:31

FoxEye said:
Find something you enjoy, which you aren't just drinking for the effect, but for the taste.

I stopped drinking lager after uni, I can't stand the stuff. Ale/bitter is a lot nicer. And these days I'm on cider, alcoholic ginger beer, etc Because they taste great and are easy to drink.

You don't have to get wasted

but this goes back to my original statement. why go through the hassle of finding an alcoholic drink I like, when bars/pubs/clubs sell coke. why is there this stigma that when you have to go out you have to have alcohol.

FoxEye · 12 Jul 2012 at 23:32

paradisiac said:
but this goes back to my original statement. why go through the hassle of finding an alcoholic drink I like, when bars/pubs/clubs sell coke. why is there this stigma that when you have to go out you have to have alcohol.

Because the coke is more expensive than the booze, normally!

No one wants to buy an expensive round because someone's drinking Coke!

paradisiac · 12 Jul 2012 at 23:33

FoxEye said:
Because the coke is more expensive than the booze, normally! No one wants to buy an expensive round because someone's drinking Coke!

really? wow, shows how much I go out. do they still do free tap water

ChrisJSY · 12 Jul 2012 at 23:42

I'm seriously bad at this, although I have no problem talking to people about specific things, like whilst at work, or asked questions, or on a subject I know something about and my best friends, when it comes to anything other than these, I just can't hold a conversation.

For the most part though since I'm put in place of oberserver most of the time, is that SO MANY people talk about the most inane, boring, repetitive things that would take about 30 seconds to talk about for you and me, them 10 minutes.Which honestly makes me feel like some people talk for the sake of talking.

But that's the difference between people, some like me don't need constant connection, attention, some need to constantly talk, even if it's the same thing every day, and there's those to either extremes and everything between.

Basically what it comes down to for me is, whilst I see myself as completely uninteresting and boring, I equally find most other people the same, I really need to talk with someone like minded and about things that really get you thinking. I also class myself as someone who pretty much has no stories to tell about myself, I envy those who have lots

FoxEye · 12 Jul 2012 at 23:48

ChrisJSY said:
I'm seriously bad at this, although I have no problem talking to people about specific things, like whilst at work, or asked questions, or on a subject I know something about and my best friends, when it comes to anything other than these, I just can't hold a conversation.

For the most part though since I'm put in place of oberserver most of the time, is that SO MANY people talk about the most inane, boring, repetitive things that would take about 30 seconds to talk about for you and me, them 10 minutes.Which honestly makes me feel like some people talk for the sake of talking.

But that's the difference between people, some like me don't need constant connection, attention, some need to constantly talk, even if it's the same thing every day, and there's those to either extremes and everything between.

Basically what it comes down to for me is, whilst I see myself as completely uninteresting and boring, I equally find most other people the same, I really need to talk with someone like minded and about things that really get you thinking. I also class myself as someone who pretty much has no stories to tell about myself, I envy those who have lots

Mind if I ask if you have a girlfriend? I only ask because all the dating sites the girls always say "want a guy to talk to & who makes me laugh".

So it would be interesting to find a guy who doesn't consider himself a good talker but who still manages to attract the ladies

ChrisJSY · 13 Jul 2012 at 00:36

Right now? No.
Have I ever? Of course

Edit: Looking back, it's part of why I left them all.

janp · 13 Jul 2012 at 12:42

I don't have any advice, but Op you sound like a carbon copy of me.
I'm incredibly shy around new people, especially those of a similar age. I've always got on much better than people a lot older than me. I'm a good socialist with people I know, but I think I'm so self-conscious about my shyness, that I come across as strange or odd (it's a vicious cycle!). And indeed most women find me "weird". This especially causes me issues with the ladies, as often I hit the dreaded "friend-zone", before they realise I actually like them.
Alcohol used to help break the ice, but I no longer drink at all. So I'm struggling to say the least.
I often sit in the corner of a party, and wonder how conversations come so easily to most, but not to me.
I thought it might help to know your not the only one with this problem!

BoonMonkey · 13 Jul 2012 at 14:30

I've not read all the posts. But OP, I used to be like you. Still kind of am around big groups of people.
Here's what I did.

Step 1: Join a forum of your interests - You're on OcUK forums. Step one complete.
(Could always join more if it helps, I used to be part of Warrior Nation which is a multi gaming clan)
Step 2: Get a messenger client for a specific purpose, for example Skype or Xfire.
Step 3: (Basing this on gaming now) Start playing games more frequently with a set group of people. I currently play DotA with a group of people and we're always talking.
Step 4: By now you'll be discussing things about the game, tactics, etc.
Step 5: When you feel comfortable, now this is the hardest step, call them. On Skype, Xfire, whatever you use. Make it a group conversation, at first it'll be awkward, believe me. I sat there in a group call saying nothing, just listening, because I didn't know what to say. I thought "What if they don't care what I have to say?" "What if they think I'm stupid?" "What if they just get annoyed by me?"
They won't. They'll get to know what you're like just from typing. You'll be able to speak to them no problem after a week or so. The first week IS daunting, but you'll be fine.

This will boost your confidence with talking to people IRL two-fold.
Step 6: Speak to people in real life. Don't necessarily strike up a conversation, but just speak back to them. Imagine you're in your room, on skype, talking to your friends that you play games with. They don't judge you, why will this person?
Step 7: Use your interests in conversations to start them. "Hey, just wondering, do you happen to play <Insert game>?" if they say "No" just talk to them about it, briefly, see if they are interested. If they are, try hook them up with a trial or something, if not then don't mention it again unless they do.

Now, that isn't the most glamorous looking list. Alter it as you like, but this is what worked for me.

paradisiac · 13 Jul 2012 at 15:17

just out of interest, how long have you worked at this place OP?

Ahleckz · 13 Jul 2012 at 15:24

Stop making a big deal about a girlfriend, and enjoy life. Hang out with your friends (make some friends) and just be awesome. Those who moap about wishing they had a girlfriend are boring, unconfident and when a girl comes along they have no idea how to present themselves.
Those who are enjoying life, enjoying what comes and just having fun are able to speak to anyone and everyone because it isn't a big deal.

Having a girlfriend won't change your life. Changing your life, will get you a girlfriend though.

BoonMonkey · 13 Jul 2012 at 15:26

Ahleckz said:
Stop making a big deal about a girlfriend, and enjoy life. Hang out with your friends (make some friends) and just be awesome. Those who moap about wishing they had a girlfriend are boring, unconfident and when a girl comes along they have no idea how to present themselves.
Those who are enjoying life, enjoying what comes and just having fun are able to speak to anyone and everyone because it isn't a big deal.

Having a girlfriend won't change your life. Changing your life, will get you a girlfriend though.

This.

I hadn't had a girlfriend since middle school. Been with my current one since June last year. I wouldn't be with her if I didn't manage to change how I am with the steps in my post.

paradisiac · 13 Jul 2012 at 15:31

paradisiac said:
I don't want to appear like a kill joy, but, do you think a girlfriend/wife would make you happy if your not happy about yourself?

my personal opinion is, unless you are happy about who you are, then how can anyone else be. obviously, there are some instances, where once you meet that person, everything just clicks into place and you find who you are and grow with them, but it is rare.

when you tried to learn german, was that a tape course at home or an evening class with other people?

Ahleckz said:
Stop making a big deal about a girlfriend, and enjoy life. Hang out with your friends (make some friends) and just be awesome. Those who moap about wishing they had a girlfriend are boring, unconfident and when a girl comes along they have no idea how to present themselves.
Those who are enjoying life, enjoying what comes and just having fun are able to speak to anyone and everyone because it isn't a big deal.

Having a girlfriend won't change your life. Changing your life, will get you a girlfriend though.

BoonMonkey said:
This.

I hadn't had a girlfriend since middle school. Been with my current one since June last year. I wouldn't be with her if I didn't manage to change how I am with the steps in my post.

which was my point back then. until you are happy within yourself then you will go nowhere in life.
find out what makes you happy and the rest will follow.

FoxEye · 13 Jul 2012 at 16:42

paradisiac said:
find out what makes you happy

paradisiac · 13 Jul 2012 at 16:45

FoxEye said:

did you make conversation at work today?

FoxEye · 13 Jul 2012 at 17:16

paradisiac said:
did you make conversation at work today?

Only with the people I already know (in my team). I still don't "get" how to talk to strangers.