Soldato
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I am even worse I don't even get replies to my first message im that bad at it. talking to people face 2 face is the future.
conversation, how?
- Thread starter FoxEye
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Because if you don't do it now, you'll be in the same position in 5 years and wonder why the **** you haven't done anything about it.
Just go, it'll be scary, but just blindly go ahead and plan it, meet up and make the most of it.
I've recently come to the conclusion that pretty much everyone feels like an inadequate ****, but just fake through it and eventually get to a point where they enjoy it and don't feel so **** about themselves.
![[FnG]magnolia](/styles/overclockers/avatars/9.png){kind=avatar}
Caporegime
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Someone is letting themselves be a little bit sad instead of being super awesome.
They give you their numbers because they want to talk to you or at least hear what you have to say about yourself. This, in case you weren't aware, is what we term a 'good thing'. When 'good things' happen we become happier and more confident and want to talk to the person who made us feel this way.
So we call. It's a little awkward at first because we're unsure of ourselves and this is new territory. But it's also fun and quite exciting. Oh, she likes that show/activity/hobby too! Wow! And then we relax a bit because we realise it wasn't that difficult after all and sometimes people just want to talk and be listened to. You tell her - unprompted - that you'll call her soon and she says that sounds like a great idea.
Your life is not a Jennifer Aniston movie. It will not end up with a happy ending after 90 tedious minutes. You have to put some effort in and some of that effort is being honest with yourself about how you approach other people and how you can improve the interaction you have with them.
tl;dr - get out of your comfort zone and see what happens.
Go, it's a good opportunity.
This might sound odd, but treat it like a video game. It's an oddly dispassionate way to think about it, but perhaps you'll relate to it (as I did) in the space your in now.
Give it a go, plan a tactic. Have a few questions lined up ahead of time, such as "what's the one thing you want to do most in your life?" or "if you could go anywhere for a week, where would you go?" to build an interesting conversation that sets you apart. Repeat what they say to you in a way that isn't obvious. EG Girl: "oh I always wanted to go to thailand" You: "oh, why's that?" Girl: "Oh it's just so mystical and beautiful there. I feel like I could really be free and explore" You: "I totally get that, I've always wanted to go somewhere where there are no boundaries and I can really just get stuck into the place". If you hear any key words coming up (eg "free" and "exploring"), home in on those values and send 'em back. It'll help create a feeling of connection.
Chances are, you'll either luck out and find your stride, feel free to experiment and try new conversations out (which may work out or bomb terribly), or you'll have someone as awkward as you who doesn't respond and you'll hit a dead end. No worries, you'll learn what works and what doesn't, so next time you'll do better. What you posted earlier about practice is correct, but you have to practice new techniques to get better, and you can't be afraid to fail. Treat it like a video game, forget the end goal and just enjoy trying something new.
I started out by talking to people at bus stops to build up confidence. I'd become such a social retard (with girls anyway)that I needed some practice with people that didn't matter. It's actually pretty fun, and you'd be amazed what kind of results you get when you start embodying social stereotypes (people respond to it!). Start conversations with randoms, smile at girls in the street, hold eye contact while you do it, expect failures and move on to the next one. Eventually you'll have confidence and you won't be pretending anymore.
Bit of an essay, but I was in the same place and worked my way out. I know it sounds weird (even to me), but it worked for me.
This might sound odd, but treat it like a video game. It's an oddly dispassionate way to think about it, but perhaps you'll relate to it (as I did) in the space your in now.
Give it a go, plan a tactic. Have a few questions lined up ahead of time, such as "what's the one thing you want to do most in your life?" or "if you could go anywhere for a week, where would you go?" to build an interesting conversation that sets you apart. Repeat what they say to you in a way that isn't obvious. EG Girl: "oh I always wanted to go to thailand" You: "oh, why's that?" Girl: "Oh it's just so mystical and beautiful there. I feel like I could really be free and explore" You: "I totally get that, I've always wanted to go somewhere where there are no boundaries and I can really just get stuck into the place". If you hear any key words coming up (eg "free" and "exploring"), home in on those values and send 'em back. It'll help create a feeling of connection.
Chances are, you'll either luck out and find your stride, feel free to experiment and try new conversations out (which may work out or bomb terribly), or you'll have someone as awkward as you who doesn't respond and you'll hit a dead end. No worries, you'll learn what works and what doesn't, so next time you'll do better. What you posted earlier about practice is correct, but you have to practice new techniques to get better, and you can't be afraid to fail. Treat it like a video game, forget the end goal and just enjoy trying something new.
I started out by talking to people at bus stops to build up confidence. I'd become such a social retard (with girls anyway)that I needed some practice with people that didn't matter. It's actually pretty fun, and you'd be amazed what kind of results you get when you start embodying social stereotypes (people respond to it!). Start conversations with randoms, smile at girls in the street, hold eye contact while you do it, expect failures and move on to the next one. Eventually you'll have confidence and you won't be pretending anymore.
Bit of an essay, but I was in the same place and worked my way out. I know it sounds weird (even to me), but it worked for me.
I have absolutely nothing to say about myself. I actually hate it when people ask what I've done today, or what my plans are for the weekend, etc. I have nothing of interest to recall about my life.[FnG]magnolia;22390689 said:
I don't feel happy because a girl gave me her number. I feel stressed. Stressed is not happy.
I don't get how I'm not being honest with myself. I know how I approach people. I'm a nervous wreck. It feels terrible. It doesn't make me happy. Talking to people makes me stressed and sad. Every single interaction ends badly (because I normally say the wrong thing).
Listen, I get that talking to people is supposed to make you feel good. But because I can never put my thoughts into words properly, I just blurt any old **** out, and it makes me feel bad.
I don't want to blurt **** out. I don't see how that's any better than just staying quiet.
Soldato
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Soldato
- Joined
- 22 Mar 2009
- Posts
- 7,754
- Location
- Cornwall
It's my chance to learn from the pros
haha lets hope its a big turn out then
Talking to people DOES make you feel good, when you feel confident and relaxed enough to enjoy the experience and get involved in it. The point about getting out of your comfort zone is key here. If you don't do it, you'll always be afraid of it, and if you're afraid of it, it'll always go badly, reinforcing your fear of it.
I recommend trying it with people that you'll probably never see ever again at first (eg, randoms at bus stops/other places you'd normally stand next to strangers). Pretend to be confident, try to find out things about the other person, then create new questions based on their answers. You'll be **** at first, will probably blurt stuff out, or say nothing at all, but that's okay. Consider this: what is the worst thing that can happen if you have a failed conversation? Seriously, I mean tangible consequences beyond it not feeling good as it's happening. Nada. You need to do it. In "do" there is no "try". Either that, or accept that you aren't good at speaking to people and be happy without that. Clearly that isn't working so far, so I suggest the alternative of doing something positive and exciting. Start with an opener (eg "did you see number 48 go by?" or something to that effect), then ask a question, then see how far you get. Respawn, repeat until you beat the game.
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Thanks for the reply. I read it, tried to digest it, as I do with all the replies here.
I'm just not sure that I can approach things in the same way you guys can. For example, I couldn't just strike up a conversation with a stranger at a bus stop. The stress would kill me
Thanks for the reply. I read it, tried to digest it, as I do with all the replies here.
I'm just not sure that I can approach things in the same way you guys can. For example, I couldn't just strike up a conversation with a stranger at a bus stop. The stress would kill me
Let me tell you where I was when I started doing this. I had been sober for about 6 months, after drinking myself into the loneliest most disgusting lifestyle you can imagine, was learning to cope with life without drinking, and suffered from severe panic attacks just riding the bus or leaving the house. Just striking up a convo wasn't exactly my forte! The point is, I was at a place in my life where I wanted to change, and didn't want to continue the way I was. no one teaches you how to have conversations so I took a methodical approach to it. I planned ahead as far as I could (eg, coming up with an opening line, maybe a few questions or banter), and bottled out many times before I could just ask someone when a bus was due. Now I have a gf (just had our 4 yr anniversary the other day), can talk to new people at parties etc, and apparently I'm quite nice to chat to. You have to start somewhere. So start! It's worth it.
Congrats chap, thats a nice ending to your story and I wish you and your partner all the best
just find some common ground some times you dont even need to talk for that,for instance the other week i was at a house party but i didnt know the owners, after a while i was in the front room with the guy and didnt know what to say so i brought up the fact that his wood flooring was nice and that it took me ages to do the whole downstairs in my house ,this then led to storys about DIY and he brought his GF in to meet me,and we just chatted about random stuff,tvs,leather sofas and our kids
was a good night and the guy added me to facebook the day after so i couldnt have bored him that much with my random chatter
was a good night and the guy added me to facebook the day after so i couldnt have bored him that much with my random chatter
Caporegime
- Joined
- 29 Aug 2007
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- Auckland
Do you actually want to change? I've read the thread again and even the good advice you've been given is either ignored or dismissed out of hand. I mean, if this is a rant then fair enough at least just tell us that you're annoyed about being uncomfortable in social situations and that you have no self confidence. That's fine; it won't change anything but it's still fine. If you actually want things to change then it might be an idea to try at least some of the suggestions which have been made.
If you can't or won't then let us know.
If you can't or won't then let us know.
Since we're talking about dating, the situation I most feared has come about... a girl has suggested we should meet up for a coffee.
90% of the voices in my head scream "don't do it!"
10% shrug their shoulders and say "well why not?"
Trouble is I've pre-judged the outcome. We'll meet, she'll find me incredibly boring, and that'll be that.
If only I could stop being such a pessimist
You know, you need to watch Before Sunrise and Before Sunset. Really shows you have conversation is done when meeting someone new. To this day on the mega rare times I'm stuck for something to say to a date, I ask myself, 'what would Jesse do' and immediately launch into a weird thing I read and tell it with a chuckle and smile. Unfailingly she smiles too.
Get in shape. Gives you so much confidence. Get fit. I'm 32 and feel like running and screaming with all the energy I've got. Everything about me is 18 years old, apart from my greyish hair which I think works for me anyway.
Read a lot. Read weird, funny and interesting things you can tell to a date. Learn to have those smiles come easily and naturally. Try and have one conversation with a random person everyday. Shopkeepers are good for that
Learn to listen and ask questions, but not too much otherwise it sounds like an interrogation. One, two questions max before telling your own story that somehow connect to hers.
And as always, relax. Have a stiff drink before you meet up. Have two if you need it. Just don't get tanked!
Really hope you take some of what I said to heart.
Now if you'll excuse me, I got a Swiss girl in bed. She's been simmering away and should come to boil right about now
what do you mean exactly?
wow, serious low self esteem. Sounds like it is you that is judging that everything you could say is of no interest to the world around you, so you dont say it, and instead constantly rack your brains for something you think conforms to your perception of the people around you, leaving you with nothing but panic that you cant think of anything, instead of just relaxing and saying what is really on your mind.
Seriously, pull yourself out of the hole you have dug yourself into, you cant go through life worrying what other people may think of you, just be yourself and speak your mind, like everyone else does, some people will like it, some wont, welcome to life.
I mean, imagine your typical bloke who does well with girls. A bit cocky, maybe a bit overconfident, almost a bit of a dick, alpha male type. Even if you aren't that sort of person (I, for instance, am not a douche), pretend to be him. Be "man", ignoring the vast spectrum of personality types that exist, be the one that people think of when asked what a man is. Women are taught what men to like in the same way we're taught what women to like. How else would you explain people thinking Paris Hilton was hot?
It's better to be interesting and ask questions that aren't superficial and boring, but if pretending to be alpha douche allows you to do things like touch a girl's elbow (physical contact is key to avoiding desexualising yourself) while you're talking then it's a good thing.
lol you pretend to be somebody else to touch a girls elbow? why