Soldato
Dating - why must it be so hard...
- Thread starter iv-tecman
- Start date
Soldato
"I put on my robe and wizard hat"
I cast Lvl. 3 Eroticism. You turn into a real beautiful woman.
Never saw your thread before, and I'm too young and all that
(not you're too old hehe) but if I wasn't stuck up here in the wrong side of the sea etc, I'd go for you, you seem dead on...And to the OP, you could be waaaaayy worse looking, get out to a few pubs, chat up the lasses and you'll be flying.
Soldato
Knip, 28 isn't too old, I'm not far off you (26) and I think I'm far from over the hill... 
If you want my advice, try a few more places outside of Clifton (if you haven't already), I find a lot of the people there are like characters straight out of skins or Nathan Barley...
If you want my advice, try a few more places outside of Clifton (if you haven't already), I find a lot of the people there are like characters straight out of skins or Nathan Barley...
Soldato
- Joined
- 23 Nov 2004
- Posts
- 10,647
**** the internet dating thing. Doesn't work.
Going out,getting V.v.v.v.v drunk and doing bad stuff with random people is fun. Then you get used to the whole sex thing again,have loads of confidence and can pull next time you go out
Going out,getting V.v.v.v.v drunk and doing bad stuff with random people is fun. Then you get used to the whole sex thing again,have loads of confidence and can pull next time you go out
Associate
Warning, long post 
After so many years I have come to some conclusions with dating.
Times have changed and more people are pairing off for serious relationships later in life. This translates into more time for experience / to get a career going / get established in the world. All three of those things tend to be viewed as bonuses to any girl wanting to settle down.
Most people tend not to want to settle down in their early / mid 20's. Gone are the days, it seems, of being pointed at and laughed at if you are 25 and not married.
The biological clock does not start to get a little shaky until 35 for women to have children. A lot of people have woken up to this fact and so would rather go out into the world, build up a stable life and some savings, travel and generally have fun before settling down, after all what is the rush.
I got married at 25 (she was 23) and got divorced at 28 (4 year engagement so marriage was not spur of the moment). I got remarried at 32, my wife has just had our first kid 3 weeks ago and we have just bought our first house. We met on an on-line dating site.
On the looks side of things, men and women generally see things in different ways. A girl I think looks attractive my wife would class as 'so-so' and vice versa. Within the different sexes there is also a fairly strong element of personal likes and dislikes obviously. Saying that, one area where men and women can usually agree is when someone is fugly
.
From what I have seen, dating tends to be a war of attrition, more so if you are not naturally gifted. The more you ask, the more you are likely to get a date. Now this is obviously more difficult in a pub or bar as the people you may ask can see the other people you may ask and that you have been asking which marks you down as a player if they are observant, but as an old friend of mine once said, 'What have you got now.....nothing, if you go and talk to a girl and she is not interested then what have you got.......nothing, but if she is interested then you have something so the fact is.... you have nothing to loose and everything to gain".
On-line dating takes away the ability of the girl being able to see you chatting to lots of people so you don't instantly look like a player. When I started then I would select the most attractive girls I could find and just email them. Not very surprisingly I tended to get very few replies. On-line dating is very much seen as a game by a lot of people so it is hard for a girl to know you are not just playing around. Ways to try and reassure her are by paying for a subscription to show some commitment, be a member for a period of time and just hang out to see what happens rather than just pumping out emails the first day, if available join the forums and chat without come-ons or innuendo. You have to get established to be taken seriously by anyone who is there to actually meet someone.
The majority of girls there will have joined as 'a bit of fun', 'on a dare', 'cos they were bored' and of those, most will be inactive or not too bothered about checking their mail. Don’t take it personally and just move on if you don’t get a reply.
Crafting your profile is an art in itself. A lot of people lie in their profile so most girls will take anything that is said in the profile as not being 100% true (hell most girls also exaggerate / lie too as you have seen with the dramatic weight gain case). Best advice for profile crafting is not to write what you think a girl wants to read (I have a Porsche, a house and I’m rich) as that will likely attract either no-one or the sort of person you really are not looking for.
Ask a few female friends what apart from looks they look for in a guy. You will get some replies we all know like sense of humour but you also may find a few you were not aware of. Next you need to work out how you can craft these into your profile without making it obvious. Remember gaining the readers confidence is key and so anything you can add to reinforce what is in your profile will allow the viewer to gain confidence that you are not lying your backside off.
Sense of humour / fun to be with can be shown with a couple of pics of you in a group laughing at a joke, make sure you are close to the centre (crop the pic if needed) so the viewer does not need to strain to see you. You don't need to be the focus of the picture when shot as you do not want it to look like it is staged.
Sporty or active is also one that a lot of guys try to push in their profiles. An 'I enjoy group sports and participate whenever I can with friends' is not an honest description of sitting in front of the footie match on T.V. with a group of mates drinking larger every week to most girls. If you are active with sports (mountain biking, climbing swimming, etc) then post a pic of you doing the sport.
It is even better if you can post pics with a date stamp on them as they add more to your credibility.
Don't go for the 'I am searching for my one true soul mate' type of line as although to some it can seem quite romantic, to most girls it shrieks 'desperate'. At best you are likely to attract girls who will expect you to be seriously romantic all the time (a tall order for any normal guy to live up to any normal woman’s view of constantly romantic) and dream of living in the forest with the Pixies. Try going with the 'Looking to expand my group of friends.' as it is what a lot of girls on these sites are doing.
It takes quite a bit of courage for a girl to physically meet up with someone who in essence is a complete stranger, so be considerate, build confidence that you are not a liar and seem like an ok bloke but ..... do not limit your options. Just because it seems to be going well with one person, if there is not any real relationship commitment there then also keep looking. Just because you are friends and get on well it does not mean she will be the 'one' and as most girls like to take it fairly slow with on-line dating (and quite rightly so), keep your options open.
Until you meet and get to know each other in 'real life' where you cannot hide behind the internet you really do not know if you are going to 'click'. Chatting / emailing more than one person also keeps your head straight as you are not concentrating all your desires / expectations on one person and so there is less pressure.
Being the 'good guy' I am, I would advise that as soon as there is a commitment with someone then politely let the other people know. This may be one of the hardest things to do as the temptation to be a player is strong and telling people you may have got quite close with may upset them but if you do not tell them then you will not be able to concentrate or commit to the relationship fully thinking 'well if this fails with A I still have B' and 'A' will most likely pick up on it. Girls are good at sensing things like that, damn their witchcraft.
If you think about it, how many girls use dating sites, how many of those girls are living in your area, how many of those girls are hoping that a real relationship will come from on-line dating rather than looking at it as just a bit of fun, how many of those left are the sort of girls you would happily take home to your mother..........expand your geographical horizons.
With the world getting smaller and travel getting easier and cheaper why not cast you net further a field. There are a couple of advantages to this. Firstly, most other nationalities still see English guys as romantic, honest and as knowing how to treat a girl, well the ones that have not visited the UK anyway). If you can afford to then dating someone either in another part of the country or overseas has the possible advantages of free accommodation when you visit and a personal guide. This adds more common interest as they will more than likely enjoy showing you around and you will hopefully enjoy being shown another area / country so you should end up having a good time together. Yes this does take a bit of work doing some research on culture and customs if you hit it off with someone overseas but the rewards can be great. I am sure there are a few players out there that use this as a cheap way to travel around the world although I would never suggest doing such a thing. 
.
Conventional wisdom and most people would say that long distance relationships don't work but I have proven this is not the case. My wife is Singaporean and my ex was Taiwanese (living in New York). I had the chance to visit New York, Taiwan and now have permanently relocated to Singapore. Yes I do consider myself very lucky but it was not all smooth sailing and I worked hard to get to where I am now.
You will meet nutters. One lady I was talking to from Los Angelis at the same time as I was getting to know my ex but before we had committed to a relationship had just bought a new Merc. When me and my ex committed to a relationship I told her I had met someone and we were giving it a go she grew so upset that she 'dinged' her Merc and then started insisting that I should pay for the damage as it was my fault she was so upset. I calmly explained to her that although we had talked quite a lot on MSN we had never met in person and whilst it would be nice to stay friend I could not offer more. When she still grew more upset and quite nasty I did mention that although I knew the situation had upset her I was not able to control the fact that she chose to drive when so upset or that she was unable to control the car at the time.
After speaking with my wife and my ex regarding their on-line dating experiences, both said they had profiles to meet new people but both had quite bad experiences. My both used to receive quite a few emails per day from people trying their luck and even some pics from guys showing their muscles and in some cases naked
. Neither of these ladies found these types of pics a turn on. Emails from people with honest looking profiles, that seem that the person has bothered to read their profiles, with have common interests and that are not too pushy / desperate / creepy would have more chance of getting a reply. My wife still has a profile on a couple of 'friends' type sites and still gets mails from guys asking for a date or more even though her profile clearly states she is married and has a pic or two of our kids (she has one from a previous marriage). Men are generally dogs , you need to prove you are different.
Don't set the bar too low. Stunning girls are not out of reach if you have the right attitude and are reasonably presentable. Both my ex and my wife are to my mind stunning looks wise. My ex was an international model so although beauty is in the eye of the beholder I can't be unique in my view there. The thing is that they were both the most attractive people out of all I emailed on the various dating sites at the times I met them and I never for the life of me thought there would be any way they would be interested in me.
Whilst a lot of very attractive girls are very much ai pee, ai chee, ai tua liap nee (sorry, gotta practice my Singlish ) translates to "Want pretty, want cheap, want big breasts" or wants it all - high maintenance, not all are. There are some truly nice stunning looking girls out there looking for a nice guy rather than a player. My ex dated a number of US millionaires but got fed up of being treated like a trophy (she passed her CFA and was working on Wall St so was by no means dumb), my wife was sick of pretty boy players and was thinking of giving up on the dating scene all together.
One other thing that has helped me in the past and could help most people, male and female, is reading various books on the differences between men and women. "Why men lie and why women cry" is one off the top of my head which was pretty good. Light hearted by full of good info like........"men tend to be problem solvers, it has been our roles through the ages and most find it very frustrating to be given a problem and to not be able to solve it especially if it is affecting someone we care about. Women like to talk but what they usually want is to air their concerns to get it out of their system, they appreciate a guy who will listen and be supportive. What women don't usually want is someone to come in and tell them what to do and how they could solve the problem. This makes a lot of women feel as if they are being told they are not smart enough to handle it themselves. If a woman wants a solution then they will usually prompt men for one. So the underlying advice is that if she wants to talk, let her. Be supportive but don't try and solve the problem for her unless she strongly hints that she wants you to. Bare in mind that listening and being supportive is not standing there picking your nose whilst muttering uh-huh every now and then or trying to look around her when she is talking so you don't miss the 'match' on the TV . You have to sacrifice every once in a while for love (or to make it more appealing to guys reading this, a regular dose of ‘aw’s your farver’).
So as I am sure a number of Singaporean friends would say.......
Aiyao, you think you king one man ?. Don't just C.K.L.P.S, get out there or get typing a profile for the on-line dating sites. Eye power ain't gonna get you a chili padi. Stop talking **** or are you N.A.T.O.. Just remember not to be chor or chut pattern and if you are a bit chui kanna kah, kah kana lum par around girls then get to know them on-line first. You may meet a few chickabong along the way but cheng hu kang. You will find one for you to be ak kah chiew ji with in time.
Green phrases could (and I dare say should) be looked up in the link above if you want any idea what the above means.
For those who are interested, pics of my ex, my wife and even one of me have sneeked in to the photography thread link in my sig.
RB
After so many years I have come to some conclusions with dating.
Times have changed and more people are pairing off for serious relationships later in life. This translates into more time for experience / to get a career going / get established in the world. All three of those things tend to be viewed as bonuses to any girl wanting to settle down.
Most people tend not to want to settle down in their early / mid 20's. Gone are the days, it seems, of being pointed at and laughed at if you are 25 and not married.
The biological clock does not start to get a little shaky until 35 for women to have children. A lot of people have woken up to this fact and so would rather go out into the world, build up a stable life and some savings, travel and generally have fun before settling down, after all what is the rush.
I got married at 25 (she was 23) and got divorced at 28 (4 year engagement so marriage was not spur of the moment). I got remarried at 32, my wife has just had our first kid 3 weeks ago and we have just bought our first house. We met on an on-line dating site.
On the looks side of things, men and women generally see things in different ways. A girl I think looks attractive my wife would class as 'so-so' and vice versa. Within the different sexes there is also a fairly strong element of personal likes and dislikes obviously. Saying that, one area where men and women can usually agree is when someone is fugly
.From what I have seen, dating tends to be a war of attrition, more so if you are not naturally gifted. The more you ask, the more you are likely to get a date. Now this is obviously more difficult in a pub or bar as the people you may ask can see the other people you may ask and that you have been asking which marks you down as a player if they are observant, but as an old friend of mine once said, 'What have you got now.....nothing, if you go and talk to a girl and she is not interested then what have you got.......nothing, but if she is interested then you have something so the fact is.... you have nothing to loose and everything to gain".
On-line dating takes away the ability of the girl being able to see you chatting to lots of people so you don't instantly look like a player. When I started then I would select the most attractive girls I could find and just email them. Not very surprisingly I tended to get very few replies. On-line dating is very much seen as a game by a lot of people so it is hard for a girl to know you are not just playing around. Ways to try and reassure her are by paying for a subscription to show some commitment, be a member for a period of time and just hang out to see what happens rather than just pumping out emails the first day, if available join the forums and chat without come-ons or innuendo. You have to get established to be taken seriously by anyone who is there to actually meet someone.
The majority of girls there will have joined as 'a bit of fun', 'on a dare', 'cos they were bored' and of those, most will be inactive or not too bothered about checking their mail. Don’t take it personally and just move on if you don’t get a reply.
Crafting your profile is an art in itself. A lot of people lie in their profile so most girls will take anything that is said in the profile as not being 100% true (hell most girls also exaggerate / lie too as you have seen with the dramatic weight gain case). Best advice for profile crafting is not to write what you think a girl wants to read (I have a Porsche, a house and I’m rich) as that will likely attract either no-one or the sort of person you really are not looking for.
Ask a few female friends what apart from looks they look for in a guy. You will get some replies we all know like sense of humour but you also may find a few you were not aware of. Next you need to work out how you can craft these into your profile without making it obvious. Remember gaining the readers confidence is key and so anything you can add to reinforce what is in your profile will allow the viewer to gain confidence that you are not lying your backside off.
Sense of humour / fun to be with can be shown with a couple of pics of you in a group laughing at a joke, make sure you are close to the centre (crop the pic if needed) so the viewer does not need to strain to see you. You don't need to be the focus of the picture when shot as you do not want it to look like it is staged.
Sporty or active is also one that a lot of guys try to push in their profiles. An 'I enjoy group sports and participate whenever I can with friends' is not an honest description of sitting in front of the footie match on T.V. with a group of mates drinking larger every week to most girls. If you are active with sports (mountain biking, climbing swimming, etc) then post a pic of you doing the sport.
It is even better if you can post pics with a date stamp on them as they add more to your credibility.
Don't go for the 'I am searching for my one true soul mate' type of line as although to some it can seem quite romantic, to most girls it shrieks 'desperate'. At best you are likely to attract girls who will expect you to be seriously romantic all the time (a tall order for any normal guy to live up to any normal woman’s view of constantly romantic) and dream of living in the forest with the Pixies. Try going with the 'Looking to expand my group of friends.' as it is what a lot of girls on these sites are doing.
It takes quite a bit of courage for a girl to physically meet up with someone who in essence is a complete stranger, so be considerate, build confidence that you are not a liar and seem like an ok bloke but ..... do not limit your options. Just because it seems to be going well with one person, if there is not any real relationship commitment there then also keep looking. Just because you are friends and get on well it does not mean she will be the 'one' and as most girls like to take it fairly slow with on-line dating (and quite rightly so), keep your options open.
Until you meet and get to know each other in 'real life' where you cannot hide behind the internet you really do not know if you are going to 'click'. Chatting / emailing more than one person also keeps your head straight as you are not concentrating all your desires / expectations on one person and so there is less pressure.
Being the 'good guy' I am, I would advise that as soon as there is a commitment with someone then politely let the other people know. This may be one of the hardest things to do as the temptation to be a player is strong and telling people you may have got quite close with may upset them but if you do not tell them then you will not be able to concentrate or commit to the relationship fully thinking 'well if this fails with A I still have B' and 'A' will most likely pick up on it. Girls are good at sensing things like that, damn their witchcraft.
If you think about it, how many girls use dating sites, how many of those girls are living in your area, how many of those girls are hoping that a real relationship will come from on-line dating rather than looking at it as just a bit of fun, how many of those left are the sort of girls you would happily take home to your mother..........expand your geographical horizons.
With the world getting smaller and travel getting easier and cheaper why not cast you net further a field. There are a couple of advantages to this. Firstly, most other nationalities still see English guys as romantic, honest and as knowing how to treat a girl, well the ones that have not visited the UK anyway
). If you can afford to then dating someone either in another part of the country or overseas has the possible advantages of free accommodation when you visit and a personal guide. This adds more common interest as they will more than likely enjoy showing you around and you will hopefully enjoy being shown another area / country so you should end up having a good time together. Yes this does take a bit of work doing some research on culture and customs if you hit it off with someone overseas but the rewards can be great. I am sure there are a few players out there that use this as a cheap way to travel around the world although I would never suggest doing such a thing. .Conventional wisdom and most people would say that long distance relationships don't work but I have proven this is not the case. My wife is Singaporean and my ex was Taiwanese (living in New York). I had the chance to visit New York, Taiwan and now have permanently relocated to Singapore. Yes I do consider myself very lucky but it was not all smooth sailing and I worked hard to get to where I am now.
You will meet nutters. One lady I was talking to from Los Angelis at the same time as I was getting to know my ex but before we had committed to a relationship had just bought a new Merc. When me and my ex committed to a relationship I told her I had met someone and we were giving it a go she grew so upset that she 'dinged' her Merc and then started insisting that I should pay for the damage as it was my fault she was so upset. I calmly explained to her that although we had talked quite a lot on MSN we had never met in person and whilst it would be nice to stay friend I could not offer more. When she still grew more upset and quite nasty I did mention that although I knew the situation had upset her I was not able to control the fact that she chose to drive when so upset or that she was unable to control the car at the time.
After speaking with my wife and my ex regarding their on-line dating experiences, both said they had profiles to meet new people but both had quite bad experiences. My both used to receive quite a few emails per day from people trying their luck and even some pics from guys showing their muscles and in some cases naked
. Neither of these ladies found these types of pics a turn on. Emails from people with honest looking profiles, that seem that the person has bothered to read their profiles, with have common interests and that are not too pushy / desperate / creepy would have more chance of getting a reply. My wife still has a profile on a couple of 'friends' type sites and still gets mails from guys asking for a date or more even though her profile clearly states she is married and has a pic or two of our kids (she has one from a previous marriage). Men are generally dogs , you need to prove you are different.Don't set the bar too low. Stunning girls are not out of reach if you have the right attitude and are reasonably presentable. Both my ex and my wife are to my mind stunning looks wise. My ex was an international model so although beauty is in the eye of the beholder I can't be unique in my view there. The thing is that they were both the most attractive people out of all I emailed on the various dating sites at the times I met them and I never for the life of me thought there would be any way they would be interested in me.
Whilst a lot of very attractive girls are very much ai pee, ai chee, ai tua liap nee (sorry, gotta practice my Singlish ) translates to "Want pretty, want cheap, want big breasts" or wants it all - high maintenance, not all are. There are some truly nice stunning looking girls out there looking for a nice guy rather than a player. My ex dated a number of US millionaires but got fed up of being treated like a trophy (she passed her CFA and was working on Wall St so was by no means dumb), my wife was sick of pretty boy players and was thinking of giving up on the dating scene all together.
One other thing that has helped me in the past and could help most people, male and female, is reading various books on the differences between men and women. "Why men lie and why women cry" is one off the top of my head which was pretty good. Light hearted by full of good info like........"men tend to be problem solvers, it has been our roles through the ages and most find it very frustrating to be given a problem and to not be able to solve it especially if it is affecting someone we care about. Women like to talk
but what they usually want is to air their concerns to get it out of their system, they appreciate a guy who will listen and be supportive. What women don't usually want is someone to come in and tell them what to do and how they could solve the problem. This makes a lot of women feel as if they are being told they are not smart enough to handle it themselves. If a woman wants a solution then they will usually prompt men for one. So the underlying advice is that if she wants to talk, let her. Be supportive but don't try and solve the problem for her unless she strongly hints that she wants you to. Bare in mind that listening and being supportive is not standing there picking your nose whilst muttering uh-huh every now and then or trying to look around her when she is talking so you don't miss the 'match' on the TV . You have to sacrifice every once in a while for love (or to make it more appealing to guys reading this, a regular dose of ‘aw’s your farver’).So as I am sure a number of Singaporean friends would say.......
Aiyao, you think you king one man ?. Don't just C.K.L.P.S, get out there or get typing a profile for the on-line dating sites. Eye power ain't gonna get you a chili padi. Stop talking **** or are you N.A.T.O.. Just remember not to be chor or chut pattern and if you are a bit chui kanna kah, kah kana lum par around girls then get to know them on-line first. You may meet a few chickabong along the way but cheng hu kang. You will find one for you to be ak kah chiew ji with in time.
Green phrases could (and I dare say should) be looked up in the link above if you want any idea what the above means
.For those who are interested, pics of my ex, my wife and even one of me have sneeked in to the photography thread link in my sig.
RB
Soldato
Knip, 28 isn't too old, I'm not far off you (26) and I think I'm far from over the hill...
If you want my advice, try a few more places outside of Clifton (if you haven't already), I find a lot of the people there are like characters straight out of skins or Nathan Barley...
Point is, ive got no one to go out with really, cos my mates are all settled down.
My job is also a very isolated one, because I dont have colleagues as such, I work in a school looking after a disabled child (hes the only disabled kid in the school) and I am practically permanently attached to him, ive been in the staff room twice since September, I cant leave him, because although his mates are brilliant, theres no one else qualified who knows about him etc etc.
Ah well, guess im on the shelf for now.
Lol Knip you should hire out a venue and have an evening of "Speed date knip". Kinda like the Laura thing they did on Radio 1 a while back!
Saw a photo from the other thread and I'd say you're tappable Go out and meet people in clubs! 28 isnt too old. Although being 26 I admit I do feel old sometimes when I meet students who are 18 at uni!
My last GF decided she wanted to become an escort which ended it promptly so if the next one doesn't want to suck for a buck then its +1 in my books!
Saw a photo from the other thread and I'd say you're tappable
Go out and meet people in clubs! 28 isnt too old. Although being 26 I admit I do feel old sometimes when I meet students who are 18 at uni!My last GF decided she wanted to become an escort which ended it promptly so if the next one doesn't want to suck for a buck then its +1 in my books!
And cause I have been told I look younger than I am, I seem to get the 15 - 17 year old girls trying to chat to me
Haha.. I get told I look about 21/22 so don't really complain about 18/19 year olds chatting to me.
It's annoying when people I meet around my age don't take me seriously at first though.A few of my friends have recently become single so I have people to go out with, and am quite enjoying myself at the moment. After 6 months being single yeah, I miss having someone to wake up with but on the other hand I like not having my ear chewed after a night out with workmates
Soldato
<Stalk>
Which site and what do you look like.
</stalk>
Have you not seen the Feek birthday picture thread?
Anyway, hands off Knip as she's mine and I don't mind the older lady.
Soldato
Have you not seen the Feek birthday picture thread?
Anyway, hands off Knip as she's mine and I don't mind the older lady.
Yeah but yet again we have one teeny problem....your missus!
Soldato
Soldato
Soldato
Well the fact you've realised that now puts you years ahead of most people who NEVER actually 'get' it.
a lot of people get together for the wrong reasons and end up ruining their lives and the lives of the other people because of it. Desparation and neediness can bring people together cause they think that they are 'in love' but all they are doing is leaning against the other person with mutual weaknesses.
.... if you want some fun with your dating (which is the whole point of it!) then i'd make an outright effort to go out with someone for a date, be in control of the situation (not arrogantly, but as a man), and make a deliberate point to both yourself and the other person that you are there to have some fun and then you are OFF. (Obviously you dont say that in words, but by not being weak and needy you'll telegraph that).
In other words, set up a date, have a laugh and treat the other person like its your mates girlfriend or something, as in NOT trying to kiss them, and gently flirting with them etc etc. HAVE FUN. Then say its time for you to go and head off .... dont contact them. Let them think and wonder about you and they WILL come running.
Do this with a few people and get to know yourself again, and i'd like to bet you'll suddenly find you feel like you dont HAVE to jump into another relationship with anyone straight away, because you'll suddenly have the choice to make a wise decision and have fun at the same time.
knip, I think I speak for everyone here when I ask you to post a pic.
Soldato
My pic is on here!! Heck my lady bumps are on here!