‘Discovering my true sexual self’: why I embraced polyamory (RSS style post)

explicit4u said:
Do you not think that for some people sex is an important part of relationship?
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I never said it wasn't?

explicit4u said:
As for the last part the only people who'd think that are the same ones throwing insults at this woman, or people who probably want to do the same.

I'd suggest people who believe a guy wouldn't 'get away' with this or that he'd be attacked for it go and inform themselves by reading or listening to some sex positive people actually talk about their experiences and the thinking behind it.
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And I didn't insult her. I just called out what I perceive to be the real situation to be, admittedly a bit harshly since - some props to her - she at least had a discussion about it first instead of just going behind his back.

I'll re-iterate: I have no problem with the situation as it played out between those 3, but her portrayal within the article and the associated book irks me no end, because it essentially dresses up the fact that she wanted to explore her sexual desires with other people into an a new push for polyamory when in fact she was just not sexually satisfied in her marriage.

I'm inclined to say that 99% of people who are truly polyamorous know it before 12 years into their marriage. But hey, maybe she's in the 1%?
 
I fancy boys said:
I'm inclined to say that 99% of people who are truly polyamorous know it before 12 years into their marriage. But hey, maybe she's in the 1%?
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I reject your numbers, you'll forgive me if I point out that you have obviously just plucked those from thin air.

I think it's fair to say that society doesn't exactly embrace that sort of lifestyle, therefore it stands to reason that people tend to be a little hesitant about "coming out" with these sorts of feelings because of the risks, not just if you have a family but because of the stigma involved. Are you suggesting that the first time it ever entered her mind she should have had an intervention meeting with her husband about it? Cut her a bit of slack, I can imagine most people fight these sort of feelings for quite a while before bringing it up with their partners.
 
TallPaul1878 said:
I'm sure women feel similarly about men
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Not really, if anything it tells other women that those men are seen as high value in the sexual marketplace.

That’s another thing altogether though where number of sexual partners for men seems to favour them whereas if a woman does it then people like to put them down for it.

Sure, the figures for number of sexual partners and divorce rates look unfavourable but there’s been a huge shift away from the getting married at 18, kids and a home soon after nuclear family, so it’s not at all surprising.
 
Ayahuasca said:
Not really, if anything it tells other women that those men are seen as high value in the sexual marketplace.

That’s another thing altogether though where number of sexual partners for men seems to favour them whereas if a woman does it then people like to put them down for it.

Sure, the figures for number of sexual partners and divorce rates look unfavourable but there’s been a huge shift away from the getting married at 18, kids and a home soon after nuclear family, so it’s not at all surprising.
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But why is that? And why is that now considered out of the ordinary? Granted I don't think getting married at 18 isn't a wise move but the Overton Window has shifted so much that a traditional nuclear family is now seen abnormal.
 
Zefan said:
I reject your numbers, you'll forgive me if I point out that you have obviously just plucked those from thin air.

I think it's fair to say that society doesn't exactly embrace that sort of lifestyle, therefore it stands to reason that people tend to be a little hesitant about "coming out" with these sorts of feelings because of the risks, not just if you have a family but because of the stigma involved. Are you suggesting that the first time it ever entered her mind she should have had an intervention meeting with her husband about it? Cut her a bit of slack, I can imagine most people fight these sort of feelings for quite a while before bringing it up with their partners.
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Well of course... but I'm inclined to say that the vast majority of people who are truly polyamorous realise it before then.

You're right, society definitely doesn't embrace that sort of lifestyle, and indeed she probably went a few years having these feelings before saying anything about, as a lot of people with a marriage and children do when there may be issues on the horizon.

However - based on the article at least - I just don't believe she's truly polyamorous. My opinion is she just wasn't satisfied with her marriage, wanted to explore her sexual desires, and will eventually end up back in a monogamous relationship.

The reason it's annoying to me is that I liken it to someone who had a bisexual encounter during uni then publishing a book about how difficult it was to come out, when in fact they are not truly gay/bi, they were just exploring.

If it's all completely true, then good luck to them.
 
TallPaul1878 said:
Well if you prefer to date people with a high number of sexual partners then go right ahead.

I don't and I've been happily married with the same person since our early 20s.
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Neither your personal circumstances or our preferences have anything to do with the two points you made. Making statements as if they are facts, then referring solely to anecdotal evidence when challenged isn't conducive to a decent debate :p

I fancy boys said:
snip
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Fair enough, I agree that if things aren't as they say they are then you're right to look at it in a different way, however I get the feeling people default to issuing stigma in these scenarios, which is a thing I'd like to see the back of.
 
TallPaul1878 said:
But why is that? And why is that now considered out of the ordinary? Granted I don't think getting married at 18 isn't a wise move but the Overton Window has shifted so much that a traditional nuclear family is now seen abnormal.
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I don’t think it’s seen as out of the ordinary it’s just that on average people are settling down much later now, towards their 30’s.
 
Zefan said:
Neither your personal circumstances or our preferences have anything to do with the two points you made. Making statements as if they are facts, then referring solely to anecdotal evidence when challenged isn't conducive to a decent debate :p


Fair enough, I agree that if things aren't as they say they are then you're right to look at it in a different way, however I get the feeling people default to issuing stigma in these scenarios, which is a thing I'd like to see the back of.
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You're right. I just think it's bizarre that people seem to place any value on having a score board. That having multiple partners is somehow a life goal for some now.
 
Ayahuasca said:
I don’t think it’s seen as out of the ordinary it’s just that on average people are settling down much later now, towards their 30’s.
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Economically I can understand it. It's difficult for a person in their early 20s to have already established a good career and be in a position to buy a family home. I'm just not a fan of the current social trends that seem to encourage the delaying of starting a family. That "settling down" is seemingly considered as missing out.
 
Efour said:
Natural state of humans would be similar to a hareem or social extended large family group.

Think gorillas.

Relegious indoctrination and dominance over women for 2000 years gave us couples.

Women don't really need men at all other than a squirt of the good stuff. It's in their interest to allure as many willing providers to their bed in a modern world to pay all the bills.
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I don't think we can look at another species and say "This is how it should be for humans".

Your timeline is wrong too, the first known concept of marriage is about 2,000 BCE in Mesopotamia and that is probably due to the fact that it is the first time we have anything written down. It also seems to have developed independently in multiple parts of the world which would suggest that it is something useful to society.
 
TallPaul1878 said:
Economically I can understand it. It's difficult for a person in their early 20s to have already established a good career and be in a position to buy a family home. I'm just not a fan of the current social trends that seem to encourage the delaying of starting a family. That "settling down" is seemingly considered as missing out.
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I don’t think it’s seen as missing out but what you’re asking is near enough a religious mindset of saving themselves for marriage, you really expect women in their best years (lookswise) in Uni and whatever to just completely repress sexual urges in the hopes that when she settles down in however many years it’ll be for the best?
 
Ayahuasca said:
I don’t think it’s seen as missing out but what you’re asking is near enough a religious mindset of saving themselves for marriage, you really expect women in their best years (lookswise) in Uni and whatever to just completely repress sexual urges in the hopes that when she settles down in however many years it’ll be for the best?
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Not really. I've no problem with people who have had prior relationships or even fooled around a bit. I just see a difference between being sexually active and having a large number of sexual partners. Whether male or female it strikes me as a lack of self esteem. I don't think it is a sign of a healthy mind.

That's just my personal feelings. Everyone is free to do as they please.
 
it would actually be a interesting poll. if you were allowed to bang other people and they could with no pitfalls would you ? honestly :p
 
~>Dg<~ said:
it would actually be a interesting poll. if you were allowed to bang other people and they could with no pitfalls would you ? honestly :p
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If society deemed it normal and acceptable then yes everyone would, the same way it's normal to tie yourself to one person now.
 
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