‘Discovering my true sexual self’: why I embraced polyamory (RSS style post)

[trigg_27]

Since the couple have since split up, it would appear that the wife's desire for extra-marital sex has led to the breakdown of their marriage. Either the marriage can't have been as strong as it appeared, or she has put her desires ahead of maintaining a stable loving home for their children

 

[adolf hamster]

There is no scientific consensus on why humans are more monogamous than other mammals but a lot of evidence suggests we mostly are and that we evolved that way.

Using the 'monogamy is not natural' argument is nonsense.

there is- the time it takes to raise our children, humans take the longest time of any animal to do this (that is from birth to total independence)

the reason for this is a combination of our intelligence and our bipedal nature, babies need to be born relatively premature compared to quadrupedal mammals in order to account for a larger brained animal with less room to leave (because of the bipedal effect on hips). hence they're totally helpless- look at any of the common farmyard animals, their kids are up and walking within hours if not minutes of birth.

so as a societal thing, our kids need much more care, and if someone needs to care for the kid they need someone to care for them, and hence the family unit is born. then mix in a bit of religion for a couple of hundred years and bingo- a monogamous biased society.

 

[aardvark]

there is- the time it takes to raise our children, humans take the longest time of any animal to do this (that is from birth to total independence)

the reason for this is a combination of our intelligence and our bipedal nature, babies need to be born relatively premature compared to quadrupedal mammals in order to account for a larger brained animal with less room to leave (because of the bipedal effect on hips). hence they're totally helpless- look at any of the common farmyard animals, their kids are up and walking within hours if not minutes of birth.

so as a societal thing, our kids need much more care, and if someone needs to care for the kid they need someone to care for them, and hence the family unit is born. then mix in a bit of religion for a couple of hundred years and bingo- a monogamous biased society.

thats one theory, but there are a few different ones.

But the point is that humans did evolve to be mostly monogamous and that this is the more 'natural' state.

 

[trigg_27]

My take on this from an evolutionary standpoint is a little more complicated. From a purely female perspective, monogamy would be the preferred model as it would increase the prospect of her genetic material being passed on. From the masculine perspective, limited polygamy (one man with multiple 'wives')would be the preferred option - the limit in this case being the number of females and progeny the male was able to support. A larger number of offspring with different genetic heritages would increase the likelihood of at least some of his children surviving to adulthood.

 

[Safetytrousers]

It's funny you should pick that one specific thing, because that's a great example of something we would be better off with. Squatting is a much more natural position than the seated one the entire western world has somehow accepted, yet most of us have the gall to point and laugh at Asian countries that squat.

You do know that you can squat over a toilet bowl (unless you have very short legs)?

 

[wolfie138]

Welcome to the frosty flake era

bless our mods for being so sensitive.

 

[builder22]

wonder how many are going to try that now you've typed it

 

[Scrutinize]

She is a horrible despicable immoral woman. If it had been an open arrangement from the start fair enough but it wasn't.

I am going to strip this all back and there are three fundamental elements and you can bet they were at the absolute front of her mind despite the rhetoric.

1) she wanted to legitimise multiple affairs and vindicate herself from all responsibility.
2) she wanted a divorce but knew that adultery would result in her losing a considerable financial entitlement in a divorce settlement so by legitimising this and her husband's acceptance she retained her security.
3) if this is the type of person she was, no wonder her husband was beaten from the start. I would say this was total emotional blackmail and abuse through the relationship towards him certainly in the latter stages. She knew it and dominated the control.

 

[Ayahuasca]

Are there any pictures available of her ex husband Timothy?

 

[deusexlumina]

While I think it's perfectly normal to have wandering eyes I also think part of being a human being in civilized society is exercising some form of control over these instinctual urges.

What bothers me is her perceived "martyrdom" of how it's so hard for her to go through this, and how she's discovered her true self etc...

Not really love. You were married with kids and decided life was a bit boring for you and you wanted a bit of nookie in the side.

If a bloke did the same and wrote a book about it, he'd be utterly chastised for abandoning his family and responsibilities to get his leg over.

 

[TallPaul1878]

The Overton Window has shifted and, in my opinion, it needs shifting back.

This is a bit of a generalisation but you do find that women tend to follow trends more so than men. If society declares that polyamorous relationships are the new norm and are socially acceptable then you can bet your bottom dollar that women will be the driving force behind that.

There was a Guardian article previously that suggested women should have AT LEAST 25 partners before settling down. Now of course this is just an opinion piece but it is attempt to shift the Overton Window. It might be considered a bit radical but then perhaps 10-12 partners is more "normal".

If having 10 previous partners is normal then by that standard if you married your high school sweetheart then you are a bit of an odd ball. I've even heard people talk this way. You must be "missing out on life" by not sleeping around.

I'm pretty sure the only thing they are missing out on is a few doses of the clap.

 

[explicit4u]

What bothers me is her perceived "martyrdom" of how it's so hard for her to go through this, and how she's discovered her true self etc...

Not really love. You were married with kids and decided life was a bit boring for you and you wanted a bit of nookie in the side.

If a bloke did the same and wrote a book about it, he'd be utterly chastised for abandoning his family and responsibilities to get his leg over.

Do you not think that for some people sex is an important part of a relationship?

As for the last part the only people who'd think that are the same ones throwing insults at this woman, or people who probably want to do the same.

I'd suggest people who believe a guy wouldn't 'get away' with this or that he'd be attacked for it go and inform themselves by reading or listening to some sex positive people actually talk about their experiences and the thinking behind it.

She is a horrible despicable immoral woman. If it had been an open arrangement from the start fair enough but it wasn't.

I am going to strip this all back and there are three fundamental elements and you can bet they were at the absolute front of her mind despite the rhetoric.

1) she wanted to legitimise multiple affairs and vindicate herself from all responsibility.
2) she wanted a divorce but knew that adultery would result in her losing a considerable financial entitlement in a divorce settlement so by legitimising this and her husband's acceptance she retained her security.
3) if this is the type of person she was, no wonder her husband was beaten from the start. I would say this was total emotional blackmail and abuse through the relationship towards him certainly in the latter stages. She knew it and dominated the control.

Way to assume the worst. Is there anything in the article to back up anything you suggested?

Read the husbands view if you haven't. He clearly wanted to stay with her and try and make it work but he's a one woman guy and the idea of letting his wife get involved with other people wasn't something he wanted. For some reason he's considered weak for this

Hardly abuse, they were in counselling, he was aware she'd been unhappy for a while... He's an adult and responsible for his own wellbeing, she made a decision for her own wellbeing and clearly it wasn't compatible with him.

 

[arknor]

whats the reasoning behind sex with multiple people before settling down? so they can do all the wild things with other guys and then the guy they settle with gets a boring sex life with no sexual exploration and fun together?

Do you not think that for some people sex is an important part of relationship?

without sex to me a relationship might as well be just a really close friend you live with.

tried to explain it to my GF but she doesnt get the logic behind it and claimed to me a relationship is only about sex in my view which is completely wrong.

it's a proven fact that sex helps to form and keep a bond between 2 people beyond pure sexual gratification.

it's hard for me to feel a close bond and to be loved without sex at least a few times a week

 

[Zenduri]

Thats some cleverly disguised Sponsored content/native advertising.

Gl on the book sales as this is obviously what this article was for

 

[Dis86]

It's funny you should pick that one specific thing, because that's a great example of something we would be better off with. Squatting is a much more natural position than the seated one the entire western world has somehow accepted, yet most of us have the gall to point and laugh at Asian countries that squat.

Small footstool or multi-folded towel to place your feet on whilst you sit on the toilet. Best of both worlds.

 

[Ayahuasca]

whats the reasoning behind sex with multiple people before settling down? so they can do all the wild things with other guys and then the guy they settle with gets a boring sex life with no sexual exploration and fun together?

Well at the start of a relationship or marriage it’s usually no issue, but a few years in it depends how well you’ve aged and looked after yourself. People do tend to be a little more wild in their early 20’s though when they’re still experimenting and people are mostly carefree without the stressors that come with commitment and children later on.

If you’re balding with a gut it’s hard for a woman to find you sexually appealing and vice versa if she’s ballooned or started to wrinkle badly.

Yes it’s shallow, but unfortunately the visual aspects still play a massive part in attraction, particularly for men.

 

[builder22]

Thats some cleverly disguised Sponsored content/native advertising.

Gl on the book sales as this is obviously what this article was for

marriage is prob fine...he's in on the whole thing too

 

[TallPaul1878]

Well at the start of a relationship or marriage it’s usually no issue, but a few years in it depends how well you’ve aged and looked after yourself. People do tend to be a little more wild in their early 20’s though when they’re still experimenting and people are mostly carefree without the stressors that come with commitment and children later on.

If you’re balding with a gut it’s hard for a woman to find you sexually appealing and vice versa if she’s ballooned or started to wrinkle badly.

Yes it’s shallow, but unfortunately the visual aspects still play a massive part in attraction, particularly for men.

I wouldn't be keen on a long term relationship with a woman with a string of previous sexual partners. 1 because it increases the risk of sexually transmitted infections and 2. It's an indicator of her not being able to hold down a relationship.

I'm sure women feel similarly about men

 

[Nitefly]

I wouldn't be keen on a long term relationship with a woman with a string of previous sexual partners. 1 because it increases the risk of sexually transmitted infections and 2. It's an indicator of her not being able to hold down a relationship.

I'm sure women feel similarly about men

Haha I’m not with you on either of those.

 

[Zefan]

I wouldn't be keen on a long term relationship with a woman with a string of previous sexual partners. 1 because it increases the risk of sexually transmitted infections and 2. It's an indicator of her not being able to hold down a relationship.

I'm sure women feel similarly about men

Neither of those points are true. I can tell you not all men feel that way about woman's past and it's just as unlikely women feel the way you describe about a man's.