Many parents assume kids will look after them when they are older
Seems a fairly similar concept. "Assuming" is the issue.
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Family dispute incoming
- Thread starter potatolord
- Start date
Many parents assume kids will look after them when they are older
Seems a fairly similar concept. "Assuming" is the issue.
I made a similar point (in a slightly tongue in cheek fashion):
Unless you really don't like your parents, is it ever worth wrecking that relationship over your feelings of entitlement to their money? When they're taken from you for ever will you be able to say that when they were alive you did the right by them, or will you be more worried about getting your share of their assets?
Ivory tower?
Surely you can understand the different backgrounds people come from?
To some people, including myself, the concept of walking up to my mother (to her face!), and saying the word inheritance.... I would rather commit seppuku! Let the ground open up and take me! What shame I would bring onto the family!
This thread is like a hollywood film, make believe. People don't actually do that in real life, right?
An now there's a twist, yes i get discussing inheritance in a different culture is just not done, fair enough.
IT3 - irony was not lost on me, pun intended
The families can be as complex as you like, it's only ever your own personal attitude regarding how bothered you are about getting your 'fair share' that'll cause you any personal stress or upset.
You can't always affect how other people choose to behave (particularly so in cases where the behaviour doesn't necessarily need to involve you) but you can choose how to let it affect you and how you want to respond to it.
The OP is upset that he's not getting as much money as he thought he would be and he's upset that he hasn't been told about this.
He can crack and ask why but going all the way back to my first point in the thread, he needs to consider what he actually wants and what he expects to change from having that conversation - it's highly unlikely the situation will change and the answers he might get might pacify him or might just upset him more.
But shirley mum doesn't want to see him upset or this causing a massive divide in her family? All this could have been avoided if this was discussed from the offset? The fact Mum MAY have been lying to her own son for all this time must hurt.
But again, this has all stemmed from the Auntie, no-one has asked mum or sister. Whatever the outcome, it is better knowing now, than finding out later with no one to actually get the true version from.
I think you and i are going in circles, so let's agree to disagree. If this were my family, as dad, i would hate to think i had created a divide in my children. I would rather they approached me and ask a difficult question instead of letting it eat at them. But then again, if i was doing something on this scale, i would have discussed it with them beforehand.
But again, this has all stemmed from the Auntie, no-one has asked mum or sister. Whatever the outcome, it is better knowing now, than finding out later with no one to actually get the true version from.
I think you and i are going in circles, so let's agree to disagree. If this were my family, as dad, i would hate to think i had created a divide in my children. I would rather they approached me and ask a difficult question instead of letting it eat at them. But then again, if i was doing something on this scale, i would have discussed it with them beforehand.
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Soldato
@potatolord
Your sister's been living in the house since 2009? Have she and her husband done any work on the house? Renovation, extension, general repairs? Has your mum decided to sell it at a price that reflects what it was worth in 2009, when your sister moved in?
Your sister's been living in the house since 2009? Have she and her husband done any work on the house? Renovation, extension, general repairs? Has your mum decided to sell it at a price that reflects what it was worth in 2009, when your sister moved in?
Soldato
Plot twist, maybe when she gifted the house, she changed her will to say OP gets everything else?
I feel it's a fairly human want to be treated fairly. Would all in the thread be fine if every year growing up, their sister got a £300 birthday gift and every year you just got a card? Sure, you're not entitled to anything, but I'd be asking what was going on. I feel that's a fair question to ask?
I feel it's a fairly human want to be treated fairly. Would all in the thread be fine if every year growing up, their sister got a £300 birthday gift and every year you just got a card? Sure, you're not entitled to anything, but I'd be asking what was going on. I feel that's a fair question to ask?
Soldato
I get annoyed that I get any presents at all off my folks. I keep telling them to stop but my mum apparently can't. I don't care what they get anybody else. I can't think of anything my parents could do to make me angry, except killing each other type stuff.
Soldato
Completly agree. It might be their money, to do what they please with. But it’s a fairly significant snub which is rightly going to significantly affected the family dynamic going forward. And the lying suggests they knew this but still went ahead and done it anyway. Which makes it much worse imo.
Most parents would want to avoid this at all costs. Decisions have consequences.
100%
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Well all I can say is that right way forward is to air your grievances in OCUK's general discussion forum. You will definitely get the best reasoned, sound and sensible advice.
You should definitely not just have a conversation with your mother, that would be too obvious. Maybe just stand out side the front of the house and wave "WHERE'S MY MONEY" in semaphore.
You should definitely not just have a conversation with your mother, that would be too obvious. Maybe just stand out side the front of the house and wave "WHERE'S MY MONEY" in semaphore.
Wanting to know kind of implies that the person asking the question feels they're entitled to the house, or at least entitled to know what happened.
Surely, a will is insufficient. If the property is worth a large sum then there could be inheritance tax issues. Also, would the mother not need to gift the property to the son. If the mother were to pass away then the daughter could have a right to the mother's property.
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To be fair, I got some helpful advice from some people. I'll use some of that.
Probably a 5-10% hit rate, which is not bad for here.
Soldato
No harm in asking for opinions though, this is a forum for discussion is it not?
All kinds of harm. Too much to put into words. Letterbox-pooing levels of harm.
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They didn't do anything on it for years, to my knowledge, until some time (think since the transfer/ sale happened, but can't remember the exact date so can't be sure) when they had roof repairs done. When I asked my mum why they were doing work on her house she just said it needed doing.
My mum said they told her the roof repair was £25k, and I know that is way out of line (a mate is a roofer), so told her that. Didn't seem.much point going on, so I left that there.
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I don't know how the auntie and her big spoon is getting away with this.
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I have to be honest, I didn't even notice this part. So everyone else has been treating the house as if it's already theirs for 15 years?
15 years of rent on a 300K house is already several hundred thousand pounds, more than 300K at least.
It's very, very obvious that your mum already decided to give your sister that house many, many years ago, well before 2021. The land registry transfer just made it formal.
Let us know what she says when you
Soldato
I don't understand why you feel the need to have to talk about it... somethings are best left unsaid...
My uncle looked after my grandparents in their eldar age.. and certain members of my side of the family was left hurt that they didn't inheritant anything.. but a lot of us didn't care. He spent years looking after them and took good care of them.
Likewise my brother is looking after my parents in their eldar age, I fully expect that he will get the lion's share if not all of it; it doesn't need to be said.
My brother in law's mother died about a year ago, and the same thing happend.. he was expecting 50/50 between him and his sister... his sister has never worked a day in her life but spent the majority of time in the past few years looking after their mother. He was upset that their mum didn't tell him but he also knew it was quite common for parents to worry more about daughters than sons, especially if the son is in a better position than the daughter.
The funny thing is that my brother in law's plan was to buy out the house out right and let his sister carry on living there on a nominal rent but his financial plan's changed as he can't afford to buy out his sister's share and help towards his son's appartment and his daugters uni's cost.
My uncle looked after my grandparents in their eldar age.. and certain members of my side of the family was left hurt that they didn't inheritant anything.. but a lot of us didn't care. He spent years looking after them and took good care of them.
Likewise my brother is looking after my parents in their eldar age, I fully expect that he will get the lion's share if not all of it; it doesn't need to be said.
My brother in law's mother died about a year ago, and the same thing happend.. he was expecting 50/50 between him and his sister... his sister has never worked a day in her life but spent the majority of time in the past few years looking after their mother. He was upset that their mum didn't tell him but he also knew it was quite common for parents to worry more about daughters than sons, especially if the son is in a better position than the daughter.
The funny thing is that my brother in law's plan was to buy out the house out right and let his sister carry on living there on a nominal rent but his financial plan's changed as he can't afford to buy out his sister's share and help towards his son's appartment and his daugters uni's cost.