Funny jokes? No, literally none in here.

[FnG]magnolia · 26 Sep 2011 at 20:59

How did the hipster burn his mouth?

He ate pizza before it was cool.
________

My girlfriend broke up with me. I'm not sure what set this off, but she accused me of being a paedophile.

I was honestly kind of impressed with her. That's a pretty big word for a nine-year-old.
________

Angilion · 2 Oct 2011 at 02:04

A person in Sweden has been arrested for stealing from their employer on an unprecedented scale.

They took Stockholm.

Antar Bolaeisk · 2 Oct 2011 at 02:51

kalvindeane said:
I don't understand the AIDS joke, can somebody explain it to me?

I'm guessing fruit is used here as a stand in for one who is male and interested in other males. I don't quite get the vegetable bit though as AIDS would give you dead fruit instead of vegetables.

413x · 2 Oct 2011 at 19:30

krooton said:
A Teacher asked her class of seven year olds if anyone could explain the meaning of the word contagious.

Little Shannon put her hand in the air and says "When I was five I had chickenpox and had to stay at home because the doctor told my mother chickenpox was contagious."

The teacher replied "Yes Shannon that is a very good example well done."

Then young Seamus put his hand in the air and said "My next door neighbour was painting the outside of her house with a 2 inch paintbrush.... and my dad said that it will take the contagious!"

almost had to ask for an explanation, then on getting it I realised I wouldn't get very far, this thread has made me smile on a **** evening , thanks guys

my fab is dog treat .. Don't judge me lol

Jono8 · 2 Oct 2011 at 19:32

Baz said:
The missus came home steaming drunk last night.
"You up for some role play action, babe?" she asked with a wink.
"Not really," I replied.
"Oh, come on," she said. "We can act out ANY scene, from ANY film you want."
Walking over to her with a huge smile on my face, I noticed her expression change. She had realised her mistake, however it was too late. Where I had previously seen arousal in her eyes, I now saw only blind terror...

As I shouted, "THIS... IS... SPARTA!" and kicked her down the stairs.

I lol'd! Hooray!

Deadbeat · 2 Oct 2011 at 20:39

TheYoungster said:
A little girl walks up to her mum and asks her: "Mummy, why am I called daisy?"
Her mum replys "Because when you were a baby a daisy fell on your head"
Her other daughter walks in and asks: "Mummy, why am I called rosie?"
Mother replies: "Because when you were a baby a rose fell on your head"
Then her brother walks in and goes: "OOOH AAAARGH ROOAAH (retard noises)"
Mother shouts: "SHUT UP FRIDGE!"

Nearly choked laughing

Fuzz · 6 Oct 2011 at 19:39

The Archbishop of Canterbury and The Royal Commission for Political Correctness announced today that the climate in the UK should no longer be referred to as 'English Weather'.
Rather than offend a sizeable portion of the UK population, it will now be referred to as:

'Muslim Weather'

Partly Sunni, but mostly Shi'ite

Fuzz · 6 Oct 2011 at 19:42

Felt a bit down today, so i dipped my Pakistani workmate in some bleach.

That lightened Mamood.!!!

Tibbz2 · 6 Oct 2011 at 19:45

But why do the Chinese Tank Division not have any notable victories to date?

There are too many Chinks in their armour.

Killerkebab · 6 Oct 2011 at 20:02

Tibbz2 said:
But why do the Chinese Tank Division not have any notable victories to date?

There are too many Chinks in their armour.

Mason- · 6 Oct 2011 at 20:07

And so it seems, an Apple a day doesn't keep the doctor away.

Killerkebab · 6 Oct 2011 at 20:09

Mason- said:
And so it seems, an Apple a day doesn't keep the doctor away.

Bad taste aside, I would like to contest this. I doubt he'll be seeing any doctors any more :/

jcr · 8 Oct 2011 at 11:47

what have ginger hair and aids got in common?

have either one and no one will sleep with you!

Emphacy · 8 Oct 2011 at 12:09

jcr said:
what have ginger hair and aids got in common?

have either one and no one will sleep with you!

Gingers are very fun.

Deadbeat · 8 Oct 2011 at 12:12

jcr said:
what have ginger hair and aids got in common?

have either one and no one will sleep with you!

Pah, if you're turning down redheads on that basis then... actually, carry on doing that. More for me

hlxbravo · 8 Oct 2011 at 13:48

I heard Rooneys dad had a tenner on him being sent off last night.

Tefal · 8 Oct 2011 at 13:58

Deadbeat said:
Pah, if you're turning down redheads on that basis then... actually, carry on doing that. More for me

redhead =/= ginger

Cosimo · 8 Oct 2011 at 14:04

hlxbravo said:
I heard Rooneys dad had a tenner on him being sent off last night.

Is that a Sun reader special?

[FnG]magnolia · 8 Oct 2011 at 14:06

How do you confuse Hitler?

*

A communist, an illegal immigrant, and a muslim walk into a bar.

The bartender greets him with "Hi, Mr. President!"

*

What do metalheads and Jews have in common?

They both prefer the Old Testament

*

I feel dirty and hollow and not in the good way

ViZioN8 · 8 Oct 2011 at 14:10

Antar Bolaeisk said:
I'm guessing fruit is used here as a stand in for one who is male and interested in other males. I don't quite get the vegetable bit though as AIDS would give you dead fruit instead of vegetables.

Yep that's how I read it too. The vegetable bit is due to the person being in a vegetative state by the end.