Funny jokes? No, literally none in here.

KatanaDV20 · 8 Oct 2011 at 15:22

I know Ive put this one up before a long time ago but for the benefit of those who have not seen it:
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A man calls to his wife from the bedroom " Honey, come and see my clock"

The wife walks over to the bedroom and sees her husband lying on his back naked on the bed with a huge woody.

"Thats not a clock" she says with an irritated look.

The husband says "It will be - when you put your hands and face on it"

Phate · 8 Oct 2011 at 17:07

Some dirty cow has been fraudulently selling soiled panties on ebay, a police enquiry revealed that she had in fact just been wiping them on her dog's arse.

Two questions:

What type of filthy pervert buys this sort of stuff?

How do you get a Paypal refund?

tushae · 9 Oct 2011 at 19:59

SideWinder said:
A man decided to have a face lift for his birthday. He spends 4,000 grand and feels really good about the result. On his way home he stops at a newsstand, buys a paper and says to the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?"

"About 34," was the reply.
"I'm actually 46," says the man happily.

About a while later he went for lunch to McDonald's and asks the order taker the same question, to which the reply is, "I'm guessing that you're about 30?"
"Nope, I am actually 46." He's starting to feel really good about himself.

While standing at the bus stop he asks an old woman the same question.
She replies, "I am 85 years old and my eyesight is poor. But when I was young there was a sure way of telling a man's age. If I put my hand down your pants and play with your penis for ten minutes I will be able to tell your exact age."

As there was no one else around the man thought what the hell and let her slip her hand down his pants.
Ten minutes later the old lady says, "OK, it's done. I know you're 46"
Stunned, the man says, "That was brilliant! How did you do that?"
The old lady replies, "I was behind you at McDonald's".

xD that was so retarded I had to laugh

Tibbz2 · 9 Oct 2011 at 20:12

What is black and sleeps with my daughter?

Nothing, cause im a good father.

KatanaDV20 · 9 Oct 2011 at 20:34

Baz said:
The missus came home steaming drunk last night.
"You up for some role play action, babe?" she asked with a wink.
"Not really," I replied.
"Oh, come on," she said. "We can act out ANY scene, from ANY film you want."
Walking over to her with a huge smile on my face, I noticed her expression change. She had realised her mistake, however it was too late. Where I had previously seen arousal in her eyes, I now saw only blind terror...

As I shouted, "THIS... IS... SPARTA!" and kicked her down the stairs.

Win

Good one!

BallisticJack · 9 Oct 2011 at 21:31

I was standing at the urinals next to a midget when I noticed him winking at me. I turned my back a bit but when I looked around he was still winking at me so I said "What's your problem, do you fancy me or something?" He said "No, you keep splashing my eyes!".

TheYoungster · 9 Oct 2011 at 22:31

Deadbeat said:
Nearly choked laughing

My work here is done.

shoes · 11 Oct 2011 at 16:41

Paul McCartney's finding it hard to adapt to his new wife. When she asks for a foot rub he still keeps reaching for the sandpaper.

PermaBanned · 22 Oct 2011 at 20:40

My Doctor says I have a short attention spanners are great aren't they?

Jony27 · 22 Oct 2011 at 21:48

this thread....

TheYoungster · 22 Oct 2011 at 22:16

Whats red and smells like green paint?

Red paint.

TurnipHead · 22 Oct 2011 at 22:23

Pretty sure I'm addicted to brake fluid. But it's no big deal, I can stop at any time.

[FnG]magnolia · 24 Oct 2011 at 02:40

PermaBanned said:
My Doctor says I have a short attention spanners are great aren't they?

Even though I forum-hate you, this is brilliant

robfosters · 24 Oct 2011 at 02:57

Five Englishmen in an Audi Quattro arrived at an Irish border checkpoint. Paddy the officer stops them and tells them: "It is illegal to put 5 people in a Quattro, Quattro means four."

"Quattro is just the name of the automobile," the fella retorts in disbelief. "Look at the papers: this car is designed to carry five persons."

"You can not pull that one on me," replies Paddy "Quattro means four. You have five people in your car and you are therefore breaking the law."

The fella replies angrily, "You idiot! Call your supervisor over. I want to speak to someone with more intelligence!"

"Sorry," responds Paddy, "Murphy is busy with 2 guys in a Fiat Uno."

cainer · 24 Oct 2011 at 05:27

Dear points of view,
watching queer eye for the straight guy made me think that if i made some gay friends they'd give me fashion tips
but actually, they *****d me