Getting caught short

I once threw myself over a fence into some bushes from a train platform. Climbing was not a option. Legs had to be held more straight than that. Literally just jumped and hoped I'd make it. Pogo style. Good job I'm a big lad and the fence wasn't too tall. I enjoyed the ecstasy of relief within seconds. People probably thought I didn't have a ticket. Too many after work beers and a long train journey with no toilets... A few cuts and bruises but worth it to not **** my pants on a train that I caught every day.
 
When I was 14 we were able to do an activity choice on a Wednesday afternoon (extra-curricular). I did Squash for a term which I really enjoyed but we had to get a bus to the gym about 25 minutes away. As soon as the bus went I knew I was going to have the squits. You get that fuzzy feeling in your stomach and then the pre-poo sweats. We hit traffic. I was holding my butt cheeks together tighter than a nun's front bottom. We finally made it to the gym and I vividly remember saying to my PE teacher, "Sir, I need to go to the toilet NOW or I'm going to **** myself". Fortunately he was a stand-up guy and could see I was in bother so ushered me through quickly. I waddled like a gammy legged duck and made it to the cubicle. I have never in my life to this day produced so much diharheoa. With every fart came a never ending flow. It stunk. I mean really stunk. I had to take my shirt off because I was sweating so much. I could hear the blokes in the changing room laughing almost nervously. I finally made it out and it was time to go back to school. I'd missed my squash session which cost about a fiver. So in essence I paid money to ruin a gyms toilet. Best fiver I've spent.
 
The above post just reminded me of when I went to Vegas with 2 friends , one afternoon after a couple of days and nights drinking we decided to walk up the strip, go up the Stratosphere and then walk a bit further, I didn’t feel too good to start with but after coming down from the stratosphere , the long walk and the sun beating down on me my stomach And bowels weren’t feeling right (fuzzy feeling like above)
I said nothing to my mates and we continued on, then after a few more hundred metres I just felt that feeling of pressure like my bum wanted to explode and I felt so hot like I was going to pass out ,my face must have been bright red trying to hold it in. I seen what looked like a casino sign so I told my friends I was going there as I needed the loo (without letting on how bad I felt) but just as started to head towards the entrance I got such an urge and I was struggling to resist, I tried to run with my butt cheeks compressed together but it was more like a waddle, i kept saying to myself ‘don’t **** your pants, don’t **** your pants’ , my mates are now laughing their faces off and shouting stuff like "run forest run"

I made it to the loos and there was one last unoccupied cubicle, I swear I saw it glowing , beckoning me in.
The relief I felt that moment I got to empty my bowels was bliss, I must have been in there at least 30 minutes but I was wwell and truly cleared out.

I have to admit I felt brand new after that
 
Only ever once, but sometime around 15 years ago someone bought me one of these microwave do it at home kebabs, washed down with some cheap asda energy drink while walking to a mates house ~30 mins away.

About halfway there the "fuzzy feeling" kicked in. On being let in I quickly made it to his bathroom and unleashed what could only be described as the combined toilet waste of a hospital or prison. The smell was making me gag so hard I thought I was going to have to lean over and throw up in his sink while simultaneously evacuating my bowels on the toilet. It was so bad that my mates couldnt even be in the rooms downstairs and had gone into the garden to avoid the creeping smell that was working its way around the house.

A good 20-25 minutes later I emerged several kilos lighter, but amazingly refreshed from this explosive cleaning of my insides. We opened some upstairs windows, sprayed some air freshener and left for a night out.

2 days later the smell was still lingering, so I lit up an entire pack of incense sticks which managed to mask the smell, just about.

That house was never the same.
 
Earlier today i had to pop home at dinner time, which i sometimes do, as i had that dreaded... "poo container reaching max capacity" feeling... I didnt want to drop the kids off at work, i have been there and done that and blocked the bog many times and the cistern takes an ice age to fill up on these old bogs we have everywhere its better to just nip out and use your own... plus if i properly **** myself everywhere i can shower it off... Try doing that in one of the disabled toilets while your coworkers wonder what the moaning noises and smell is.

Anyway today as i said, caught short at dinner time so as i live nearby i went home and let it rip, christ it was like a Saturn V take off.. i had to hold on to stop me from reaching escape velocity. good job i didnt leave it at work, someone would have called the RSPCA and claimed an elephant was on site.

I also once got the gut rumbles while waiting for a train to take me home the next day from a mega sesh in a nearby city. I couldn't wait the 30 mins or so to get back to my town and home so i opened up like an Uzi in the station toilet. Christ it was a load of my mind, and i did my best to clean it up but i hate to think what the next person opening that door thought.
 
Was in Egypt and had been having a "funny tummy".
Having a nice day on the beach, when I thought farted...it wasn't.

It was quite an embarrasing walk back to the hotel room, covering myself up with a beach towel.

Worse part was that I booked scuba diving for later that afternoon and I was dreading another accident.
I didn't know how I was going to tell them that they basically needed to burn the wet suit.
Thankfully it didn't come to that.
 
DEL 707 said:
Was in Egypt and had been having a "funny tummy".
Having a nice day on the beach, when I thought farted...it wasn't.

It was quite an embarrasing walk back to the hotel room, covering myself up with a beach towel.

Worse part was that I booked scuba diving for later that afternoon and I was dreading another accident.
I didn't know how I was going to tell them that they basically needed to burn the wet suit.
Thankfully it didn't come to that.
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All wetsuits need burning after rental. Ask anyone who has ever had to clean one at the end of the day, everyone pees in them, that is if you are lucky and it's just pee.
 
Really do love good old threads like these on GD... comedy gold.

For me it was 6 years ago, in between jobs and working with my step Dad doing building work in the middle of no where in this remote village at a friend of a friends / relative property. The night before was a heavy night on the beer as well due to a major pub game tournament so proper paying the price for it the following morning, or so I thought up until that point...

One hour into the job and that funny feeling came along & the motions literally out of no where, many of you on here definitely know the sort after a night on the beer & I really had to go and drop the kids off at the pool - customers house is all locked up too so I was stuffed. My step Dad, being supposedly an expert on this subject going by his many past building site stories promptly told me to go and do the deed in the nearly empty cement bag & around the back where the farmers hedge so it was out of sight, complete with sand like cement bag paper to wipe with.

In hindsight, I managed it and what a relief. I don't know how but I did - while also shaving off 70% of the hangover in the process. Best, or shall I say bizarre of all? Step Dad then used up the rest of the cement bag mix, complete with number two buried and shovelled the lot into the mixer... Utterly reenacted the **** of a shovel moment in the process :D:D:D

Liam.
 
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LEK-89 said:
Really do love good old threads like these on GD... comedy gold.

For me it was 6 years old, in between jobs and working with my step Dad doing building work in the middle of no where in this remote village at a friend of a friends / relative property. The night before was a heavy night on the beer as well due to a major pub game tournament so proper paying the price for it the following morning, or so I thought up until that point...
Click to expand...
You had a rough and interesting childhood.
 
Everyone and I mean everyone knows that cold hard feeling of the cramping before an imminent arrival, it's horrendous.
 
Got drunk one night in London and caught the wrong train home. Ended up about an hours drive from home so couldn't afford a taxi or get someone to pick me up. All the public toilets were closed. It didn't end well.
 
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