I'm going to build a space station

iamdjdz · 26 Mar 2009 at 15:13

mrk said:
Oh god PLEASE let me be NUMBER ONE, PLEASE!

Hmm, it will mean working in a close, but not intimate, environment with myself, the pilots and the pimps. Do you have what it takes? Please post a CV with relevant qualifications and why you wish to have this job. Also do you have previous experience in running a large scale space station, and if so was crew morale a priority in the past. Please submit this to the thread - anyone wishing for the position of 'number one' please follow suit, and a decision will be made before the launch.

Also - my space station needs a name.

Mat · 26 Mar 2009 at 15:13

simulatorman said:
Commander Massage reporting for "Hot Alien Chick Handling Course".

Good thinking. I've added the course and the associated practical exam to the list.

Capn' $qu!ff said:
Can't Health and Saftey now busy moving leftover "Immovable, Impenitrable Panels™" for hull plating

I hope you've been on "Immovable, Impenetrable 101". It's quite a long course what with having to learn how to shift an immovable object...

Maccy · 26 Mar 2009 at 15:15

As Head of Security I think number 2 at least then!

The Dread Pirate · 26 Mar 2009 at 15:15

Mat said:
I hope you've been on "Immovable, Impenetrable 101". It's quite a long course what with having to learn how to shift an immovable object...

I think I know what I'm doing being creator of the " Immovable,Impenitrable Bunker™"

Mat · 26 Mar 2009 at 15:18

Capn' $qu!ff said:
I think I know what I'm doing being creator of the " Immovable,Impenitrable Bunker™"

Well lets hope so... we'll have no H&S shirking on my watch!

The Dread Pirate · 26 Mar 2009 at 15:20

Mat said:
Well lets hope so... we'll have no H&S shirking on my watch!

*Stealthily puts Gaffer Tape Down*
....erm yes no shirking on the 'ealth & Safti

Dazzy_G · 26 Mar 2009 at 15:21

eggyoke said:
Can I be the resident scouse bum? "Giz a job like"

Job title: Collector of alien artifacts (...and random other items)

Woah, do you even have a degree in Astroomgdidthatcomefromspaceoliogy?!

CaptainComedy · 26 Mar 2009 at 15:21

Can I join? I'd be a great crew member, I seen all the red dwarf episodes.

I wanna do lots of adventures and stuff

mrk · 26 Mar 2009 at 15:26

iamdjdz said:
Hmm, it will mean working in a close, but not intimate, environment with myself, the pilots and the pimps. Do you have what it takes? Please post a CV with relevant qualifications and why you wish to have this job. Also do you have previous experience in running a large scale space station, and if so was crew morale a priority in the past. Please submit this to the thread - anyone wishing for the position of 'number one' please follow suit, and a decision will be made before the launch.

Also - my space station needs a name.

I will forward you my CV as soon as my personal orbiter descends from low earth orbit at about 7pm !

Von Smallhausen · 26 Mar 2009 at 15:28

Now I have a few questions:

1) How will I get proper gravity on board? I don't really want to be floating around all the time, I might leave a large room to float around in for recreational use really, but only if it's practical.

That is quite simple.

What you need is Kerry Katona and an OK mag photographer. Start the photographer walking briskly and the publicity hungry Kerry will chase after him. The resulting space chase will result in a spinning effect that will cause artificial gravity. Kerry can be sustained with chips from Iceland.

2) How will I recycle oxygen in order to breathe properly, and on a big enough and sustainable enough level so that all my crew (roughly 12,000 although not many have confirmed their acceptance - any offers to join the crew will be considered) can breathe normally, and for a very extended period of time?

Why recycle when you can get fresh air ? You will need 200 boxes of ASDA straws and some gaffa tape. Simply tape them together and push them towards Earth so fresh air can be drawn in. Be careful not to force the straws down to quickly or they may melt on entry.

3) Considering my space station is roughly 100km cubed, how will I design a proper landing procedure for possible recolonisation of other inhabitable planets, and for a regular resupply?

Again, this is where Ms Katona somes in. Tell her that Chat magazine have a 1m offer for her on Earth but she must go there personally. She can then be duped into bringing supplies back when you say that OK magazine have offered more but she has to return to the station. How will she travel there I hear you ask ? Never underestimate her ability to find a way to a magazine deal. She is thick enough to be continually fooled into making regular trips.

4) In order to get my space station around the universe quickly and safely, what sort of propulsion method would be the most suitable? I intend it to be able to cover 100 light years/hour on a cruising speed. Also what sort of material should I build the hull out of?

Might I suggest the Harman Drive ? Tell the deputy leader of the Labour party that there is a women's rights movement on board and she will turn up. Just attach her gob to a hose and stick that out the window. The resulting blah from her PC speeches will catapult your station through space at around warp 6. For a slowing effect, merely place the hose at the other end of the station.

5) What sort of entertainment should I provide for my crew? I hope that they will work efficiently but I wish them to have a good quality of life in space, and as so far I plan to include a bowling alley, a 20 screen cinema (however, how will I get new films?), a swimming pool with sauna and jacuzi, a few nightclubs and a large gym with running track and football pitch.

Lottery funding but you must be sneaky and claim to be from a very PC movement. Tell them you are from the Anti-UK We Hate Cub Scouts As They Are Too Militaristic Front. Funding is guaranteed

Can I be security chief ?

iamdjdz · 26 Mar 2009 at 15:30

Von Smallhausen said:
Can I be security chief ?

Thanks for the advice

Maccy has already secured the security chief job, is there any others that you might like to apply for?

Von Smallhausen · 26 Mar 2009 at 15:31

iamdjdz said:
Thanks for the advice

Maccy has already secured the security chief job, is there any others that you might like to apply for?

Toilet engineer ?

atpbx · 26 Mar 2009 at 15:32

simulatorman said:
What are your qualifications?

................. I have an army of invincible space robots.

Marky · 26 Mar 2009 at 15:33

atpbx said:
................. I have an army of invincible space robots.

Prove it.

ZIIIINNNGG!

Cosimo · 26 Mar 2009 at 15:34

Mat said:
Good thinking. I've added the course and the associated practical exam to the list.

I'm starting some pre course training tonight.

Maccy · 26 Mar 2009 at 15:36

Von Smallhausen said:
Toilet engineer ?

I could do with a deputy, there's plenty of staff and passengers onboard - keeping them in line could be a problem!

Cosimo · 26 Mar 2009 at 15:37

atpbx said:
................. I have an army of invincible space robots.

We have to see you put them to use before any application can be considered. A photograph or two would be helpful, what are their specifications?

The Dread Pirate · 26 Mar 2009 at 15:39

erm mat you know that health and saftey thing does it have any advice pertainting to "A Large Immovable Impenitrable Panel™" , "Gaffer Tape" & "The Loss of several limbs"?

Bennie-Mac · 26 Mar 2009 at 15:39

Von Smallhausen said:
Toilet engineer ?

Can i be the toilet engineers assistant? I mean, whos gonna clean all the poo off the toilet engineer? Plus i have a vast knowledge of bacon farming and can guarantee a lifetime supply of maple cured pig meat

Oh and i'll give you a bag of haribo and let you ride on our precious swans

Mat · 26 Mar 2009 at 15:40

If you had been on the course, you would know. Now be off, I have no time for shirkers, I have invincible robots to count, categorize and arrange neatly.