Living at your parents home when you're 25+

Pipe & Slippers said:
A sap?
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Who would have thought Pipe & Slippers would be making digs at @Old Man. You two should be like donkeys and carrots, not at each others neck :p

Anyway, your son is a bum. He is also quite old to be at Uni still - is he a career student? If so he should find a way to get a job at a university (far away from home) and that'll force him to live with some randomers. A bit like what student nurses do. I've seen some very layabout individuals go through a similar process and it is the only way to get them to leave their shell.
 
Does he work?

If he is working - he should be paying rent (I paid £200 per month once I finished Uni - obviously a great deal for me :D)

If isn't working, you need to have a serious conversation about what he is going to do with his life - clearly he has money to do things?
 
BallistixOnZ490 said:
Having friends is not the same as having friends you can live with.

Living with strangers can be impossible to for a lot of people.

Just because you managed doesn't mean everyone else can.
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Life is an adventure. There will good and bad experiences, you need to experience both to fulfill yourself and learn from to make better decisions as you get older.
 
dLockers said:
Who would have thought Pipe & Slippers would be making digs at @Old Man. You two should be like donkeys and carrots, not at each others neck :p

Anyway, your son is a bum. He is also quite old to be at Uni still - is he a career student? If so he should find a way to get a job at a university (far away from home) and that'll force him to live with some randomers. A bit like what student nurses do. I've seen some very layabout individuals go through a similar process and it is the only way to get them to leave their shell.
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He started Uni at around 20, but because of heart trouble (heart block was the diagnos years later) he had to leave Uni until his health improved enough.

I do understand that I really should tell him to go and have talked about it with him, but he's not working (still same issues as mentioned, just not as severe) and so not sure really right now as he is still
under treatment for his health. I suppose I am scr.... either way I try and fix this, but ty for all of the comments. Being a parent never ends...
 
Old Man said:
He started Uni at around 20, but because of heart trouble (heart block was the diagnos years later) he had to leave Uni until his health improved enough.

I do understand that I really should tell him to go and have talked about it with him, but he's not working (still same issues as mentioned, just not as severe) and so not sure really right now as he is still
under treatment for his health. I suppose I am scr.... either way I try and fix this, but ty for all of the comments. Being a parent never ends...
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it doesn't have to be rent, but contributing to household chores (cleaning, gardening, cooking etc...) and learn a bit about responsibility but it's also less selfish. I appreciate he may struggle to earn but he can't live off you expecting everything done for him.

It's tough - as parents you want to look after your kids, but there comes a time where they also need to stand on their own 2 feet.
 
I'd agree with Freefaller.

Every adult living in a home should help out at least somewhat if they are able to.

So things like answering the phone, or doing some tidying/gardening/washing etc are completely reasonable expectations.
 
does he still ask for pocket money, because it sounds like a child.
even when I only visit my parents for a few days I'll cook and wash the dishes etc... maybe clean the kitchen or nip round with a hoover.

you need to repay all the years they spent doing it for you!

raising kids ain't easy, wait till you have some! every night as soon as the kids are in bed your cleaning... you can;t just sit down it's almost never ending then maybe 1-2 hours for you each night
 
arknor said:
does he still ask for pocket money, because it sounds like a child.
even when I only visit my parents for a few days I'll cook and wash the dishes etc... maybe clean the kitchen or nip round with a hoover.

you need to repay all the years they spent doing it for you!

raising kids ain't easy, wait till you have some! every night as soon as the kids are in bed your cleaning... you can;t just sit down it's almost never ending then maybe 1-2 hours for you each night
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Could always simply not have kids then.
 
cheesyboy said:
It's **** living with your parents as an adult.
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Tell me about it. I moved out at 18 when I went down South to university and have lived on my own ever since. Then just over a year ago I had to move back in with them to help care for my Dad as my Mum couldn't cope on her own. I know it had to be done, but the change was horrendous.
 
Seem like a lot of people hate their children but I bet the same one want the children they so wanted to leave to also look after them when they are older.

Having children and looking after them is not something you do until they are 18, children are not hedgehogs!
 
Old Man said:
Being a parent never ends...
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Providing a slightly different perspective on this - my parents were extremely understanding when I moved back after Uni, having been fairly useless at engaging properly with the job market before graduating. They were understanding and patient to a fault.

Now in my late 30s and having been gainfully employed for a decade and a half with a family of my own, it's near my parents that we've bought a house and settled. We could have stayed in Australia, or chosen to live in the Caribbean, where my wife is from, but because my parents have always been so supportive - and because the UK is a good place to grow up based on my own childhood and adolescence - this is where we chose to be. My relationship with my parents is as wonderful as ever, although these days I'm the one overburdened and overworked :-D; they get to hand the kids back when they've had enough and filled them full of sugar!

I'm not saying this relates to your situation, or anyone else's for that matter. I'm not advocating for anyone to act in any specific way, I'm just sharing my experience for what it is worth as it felt like the majority of this thread stood in contrast to my experience and I've always found that a diversity of opinion can help work problems through.
 
BallistixOnZ490 said:
The thing I never understood is if adult kids need to pay their parents rent, why can't they claim housing benefit?
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Because it's assumed that their parents are supporting them, so the rent is seen as an internal transfer rather than a payment to an external entity. Also because it's assumed that there would be a significant level of fraud. Which I think is probably true. It would be easy to do, e.g. A pays £x a month rent to their parents, claims £x housing benefit, A's parents pay £x a month for a car for A. The "housing benefit" is effectively buying a car. Or clothes or whatever. I vaguely recall a popular sitcom in which that fraud was part of the character's income. It wasn't seen as being a bad thing.
 
Old Man said:
He started Uni at around 20, but because of heart trouble (heart block was the diagnos years later) he had to leave Uni until his health improved enough.

I do understand that I really should tell him to go and have talked about it with him, but he's not working (still same issues as mentioned, just not as severe) and so not sure really right now as he is still
under treatment for his health. I suppose I am scr.... either way I try and fix this, but ty for all of the comments. Being a parent never ends...
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To play devils advocate to all of the above - I stayed at home whilst in University and if it wasn't for my father passing and me having to step up massively, would have probably lived the life of riley like your son. Now swap my dead dad issue with your sons health problems, and I would say cut him a break.

He'll have to grow up at some point anyway, and it isn't like adulting is rocket science if he nails the job side of things once he is out of uni. I did work since I could (~14-15 years old) though and that could be something to prioritise - a side job whilst at Uni.
 
Dalandius said:
Seem like a lot of people hate their children but I bet the same one want the children they so wanted to leave to also look after them when they are older.

Having children and looking after them is not something you do until they are 18, children are not hedgehogs!
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Some people have learned that we need to be responsible as adults. My parents would have never asked for rent or anything. But it takes the **** to sit at home being spoon fed in your late 20s. Of course we wouldn't kick them out, but I'd be disappointed if they didn't offer to help. Most of my friends and myself included contributed either financially or by you know being an adult and doing our own chores and supporting our parents.

As an adult you need to learn to take responsibility. It is that simple. The OP is being a decent parent by looking after his son. But at the same time his son is taking the **** by not lifting a finger.

My kids although young, help with the washing up, tidy their rooms and actually try and support the family ecosystem. It's not a lot to ask for an adult offspring to do.
 
Angilion said:
Because it's assumed that their parents are supporting them, so the rent is seen as an internal transfer rather than a payment to an external entity. Also because it's assumed that there would be a significant level of fraud. Which I think is probably true. It would be easy to do, e.g. A pays £x a month rent to their parents, claims £x housing benefit, A's parents pay £x a month for a car for A. The "housing benefit" is effectively buying a car. Or clothes or whatever. I vaguely recall a popular sitcom in which that fraud was part of the character's income. It wasn't seen as being a bad thing.
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But doesn't this indicate therefore that society and the law does not require adult kids to pay their parents to live with them?

And what do you think any landlord does with their rent? They pay for their car / house etc with it.
 
When i was 27 i was still at my parents house, buying my own food, cooking, own washing, etc, not because i was asked or expected to, but because i wanted to. This was purely because i was gagging to get out of the damn place and it was about as independent as i could get. My mum still did the ironing as she simply refused to let me not do it when i had to wear a shirt. I paid pennies in rent because i think they knew if i paid them loads then i'd take even longer to buy a property. I think that because i was quite good at saving, rarely buying toys etc. But i did wax a fair bit of money of travelling which was definitely worth it.

I wonder if your son has been pressured into thinking he isn't capable of standard life due to his illness. I know nothing about what he has, and can't imagine it's easy. I have one friend who sometimes comes out with, "such and such has this", kind of rubbish. What he still fails to take in to account is he's a property owner, has a good wife and a kid on the way and has an alright local secure job. I had another friend who is long gone, moved to Scotland now and haven't heard from him since. He was continually in and out of uni, was bipolar, and had addictive tendencies. His mum was really good to him, but long story short, he severed ties with everyone who ever tried to help him (including his mum), with his self destructive behaviour. He got some inheritance and bought a flat in Scotland.

So my opinion is, he needs some guidance and encouragement to find a chosen direction so he can work at that. I feel life is just too complicated these days in comparison to what the older folk had in youth. Far too many jobs out there now that just feel like they're only there to pay the bills and make money for the owners, to me that's a very shallow life.
 
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