My first thread for relationship advice... :/

[FnG]magnolia;24462229 said:
Swifty, are you happy? You don't sound very happy and whilst that's not the defining characteristic of a fun and healthy relationship, it's probably a good thing to be able to say at least some or most of the time.
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For the last 5 months I've been very happy. It's been great. It's just this last month has taken is toll somewhat.

I mean every relationship has problems - the easy way out would be just to walk away, wouldn't it?

Then again, that would make me same as the others...

I know there's times where you've just got to call it a day - but that should be after we've tried to sort it, right?
 
ShaolinDreams said:
I hear no one insulting her... damaged goods is what you would call a female with lots of kids maybe by different fathers that has problems, which this girl can be classed as.
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I'd find that insulting myself. Particularly as we know nothing about her and that her first relationship was stable for a good few years.
I see nobody in here pointing the finger at her ex's

davestar_delux said:
I hardly imagine the inhabitants of this forum would like to be written off as damaged goods.
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OP - You are plainly having doubts about a relationship so you probably know how this might go. In the end you could take a vote but only you can decide. Your own kids can be pressure and can only shudder to think the grief waiting with two different fathers in the background. That said it's not always the case. Easier now than later?
 
Swifty55 said:
She just sees it as a benefit for her son, usual reply is "oh well, as long as he gets to see his son"...

She's coming over later on this tea time. So will update the situation then.

May seem like I'm defending her, but there's a lot more in her past that just shows she's been mostly **** on. She lost her mother to cancer 2 years ago - practically skints her self to look after her siblings and tries to please everyone. I think she's a little lost with no one to turn to.

Just don't want to do anything rational right now. :/
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Well, other issues aside, she clearly has no comprehension that this is very disrespectful to your relationship, or maybe she does but doesn't really care about your relationship, either way it does no bode well.

I think you might just have to face facts here, unless there's some miraculous change of heart from her, and going from experience I would say that's unlikely.

Its crap, but its life, and its only 6 months, you don't need the complications and you'll be over it before you know it. That's my advice, and I've been in similar situations before.
 
bitslice said:
I'd find that insulting myself. Particularly as we know nothing about her and that her first relationship was stable for a good few years.
I see nobody in here pointing the finger at her ex's
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I agree she shouldn't be labelled as damaged goods, but the fact remains she's putting the ex before the OP in this relationship, so this is clearly a problem with her and how she is handling the situation.


As to why that is we could debate all day, I would suggest maybe she doesn't really care about her relationship with the op.

Whatever the reasons, unless she has some sudden change of opinion this relationship is only going one way.
 
bitslice said:
I'd find that insulting myself. Particularly as we know nothing about her and that her first relationship was stable for a good few years.
I see nobody in here pointing the finger at her ex's
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I find you being insulted by something i said that is not meant as an insult rather insulting too.

Is she damaged goods or worth staying with only the OP can decide but it's been made clear by many people not only myself that he should run for the hills lol

In my opinion he can't be that much in love with her if he already has doubts.
 
Swifty55 said:
For the last 5 months I've been very happy. It's been great. It's just this last month has taken is toll somewhat.

I mean every relationship has problems - the easy way out would be just to walk away, wouldn't it?

Then again, that would make me same as the others...

I know there's times where you've just got to call it a day - but that should be after we've tried to sort it, right?
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I'd agree, you need to have a proper sit down conversation about this. Don't be confrontational, make it clear you understand that her kids come first, but that the current situation with her ex doesn't really work for you currently - you don't want to be constantly at the back of the line. She'll probably come back with something about you being selfish, but at the end of the day it's your life and your relationship too - you obviously don't want to be messed around and ignored when it's convenient for her.

Don't expect her to completely change her attitude (I'm sure you're not assuming this) but if she can't come to some sort of compromise, because your feelings matter too, than I think it's time to walk away.
 
You leaving would not make you as bad as the others. So forget that thought.

Have you spoken to her and said that this is a relationship killer for you?
You need her to understand that you are there for her so she can be strong in this instance with you beside her.

It sounds like her kid would be better off without the dad if he's this stupid and manipulative as once he gets older no doubt the dad will become even more of an arse feeding **** into the mind of the kid about you.

She needs to be stronger or you leave, simples :)
 
ShaolinDreams said:
If it was 1 kid by 1 father fair enough maybe something could be worked out, give her the benefit of the doubt. But 2 kids by 2 different fathers that just screams damaged goods.

Just think there is a beautiful single girl out there waiting for you.. with no baggage, no complications, hassle free, you could possibly have your own kids with her and in many years you'll be thinking... I'm so glad i listened to GD ;) :D

Call it a day mate.
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Oh and ignore all the damaged goods and baggage crap, half the people in here have no idea
 
ShaolinDreams said:
not meant as an insult
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Seriously? How is "damaged goods" not an insult? :confused:

I'm not debating whether he should stay or not, I'm just taking issue with GD's misogynist attitude towards single mothers, it takes two people to make babies and she's not the one who cheated. What about mentioning that dog#2 went off and had a kid with somebody else, doesn't that say anything to you?
 
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bitslice said:
I'm not debating whether he should stay or not, I'm just taking issue with GD's misogynist attitude towards single mothers, it takes two people to make babies and she's not the one who cheated.
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Correct but the OP is not trying to get it on with the fathers is he?

If the OP was posting to say I've met this bloke who has the kid by another woman and then described how that one dad is in the OP then I think we would all be saying the same thing.
 
bitslice said:
That is such a lot of BS, we already know bloke#2 was a bad one and I'd suggest bloke#1 wasn't much more of a man.
Why then does the collective misogyny of GD always seek to dump all this on the girl? Yes she picked some duffers, we all do, does that automatically make her more of a dog than her ex's? :mad:

This is like some Victorian society where all girls are outcasts if they fall pregnant. You wouldn't all jump to label your girlfriend as a tramp if the condom breaks or the pill doesn't work would you? :rolleyes:


However, her making allowances for dog#2 is unacceptable, it's entirely his fault he only has restricted access so he now has to fit around you. If it doesn't change, leave.
Actually, a first relationship with kids may be too much of a responsibility for you, I'd look at something more casual for a few years first.


I'm always quite happy to disagree with this sort of thing :)
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To be fair, I'm pretty sure all of GD would equally advise against dating these men.
 
bitslice said:
Seriously? How is "damaged goods" not an insult? :confused:

I'm not debating whether he should stay or not, I'm just taking issue with GD's misogynist attitude towards single mothers, it takes two people to make babies and she's not the one who cheated. What about mentioning that dog#2 went off and had a kid with somebody else, doesn't that say anything to you?
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2. damaged goods

A person, who makes themselves emotionally unavailable due to unfortunate circumstances in the past. Which in turn makes their significant other pay for the mistakes they had to deal with in the past. Damaged goods tend to run away from their problems instead of facing them head on and tend to make assumptions about present situations due to experiences from the past.

Like what's possibly happening here?

Argument is dead pal leave it alone now.
 
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Xordium said:
Correct but the OP is not trying to get it on with the fathers is he?
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Then why bother with the character assassination? It's irrelevant and achieves nothing more than allowing a few geeks to vent their frustrations about women. Wow, somebody bedded her before they did, she must be damaged, it's pathetic.

@ShaolinDreams, you clearly made the point as damaged meaning being with several different fathers, not some kind of emotional hangup. Stop backtracking.
 
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bitslice said:
Then why bother with the character assassination? It's irrelevant and achieves nothing more than allowing a few geeks to vent their frustrations about women. Wow, somebody bedded her before they did, she must be damaged, it's pathetic.
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I have not assassinated anyones character (in this thread at least).

It's not irrelevant to the OP - it belies a pattern of behaviour that in all likelihood will be repeated. This woman comes with substantial physical, emotional and financial attachments - that is a fact. And when making really important decisions like the OP is then it is best to consider the facts.

Now I wouldn't use the term "damaged goods" but the meaning behind it applies and is worth considering.
 
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