News on Wife (reason for being away for a day)

Calranthe said:
Paola's funeral went well today, everyone was amazed at how well I did taking the service myself.
I just feel disconnected from everything feel like nothing matters even though I know that it does.
Tomorrow I go for my first appointments before going in on the 20th.
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Really sorry to hear life isn't easing off. I have survived this type of cancer and with a bit of tlc you can be fine.
Andi.
 
Awful news @Calranthe. But don't panic. I survived cancer 6 years ago. Treatment nowadays is a lot better than it used to be. Obviously make your focus fighting this now. Good luck.
 
I want to thank you all for all the advice and help, to think this all started with me thanking OCuk for all the help and hardware over the years, being offered a tour of the shop which we both would have loved and then 3 days before we went for the Saturday visit Paola had what we now know was a silent heart attack, she was more broken up about not being able to go for the visit than having a heart attack.

But that was Paola for you never one for sitting around.

In 5 days I go into hospital and so I wanted to post this before I do, Yes I know my outlook is good, will know more tomorrow at my consult appointment with the surgeon, results for the MRI should be in.

I know that this news and what I am facing has interrupted the natural grieving process, even though that process is different for everyone,

I know that getting over this will be hard, it may be impossible, no I am not talking about the cancer, I am talking about the loss of Paola, for 20 years she was my life, because I quit my job and became her primary carer we spent 18 hours a day together with no breaks, no real exterior friends or hobbies that took us away from each other, we were both geeks and nerds before it was fashionable, we did everything together.

She was my first Girlfriend

I always told her that I was happy as long as I lasted one day longer than she needed me.

I can not describe the physical pain of loss and how every moment of my life is torture without her, I am happy that most of you will not understand that physical hurt that comes from someone that close being torn away from you.

How sunlight feels less bright, how colours feel faded and all those things from food to gaming that I used to gain enjoyment in mean nothing to me at all.

Last week at my pre-op assessment they talked about the slight risks of surgery and when they mentioned the very minor chance of death all I could think was "so the worst case scenario is I'll either no longer be in pain or depending on your beliefs I will be with my wife".

I have no real life friends or close family and my neighbour has already said he will take on my dogs if anything happens to me.

This isn't me giving up, I will be fighting this cancer, I have my bag packed, I have my tablet so I can listen to audio books, play games (I have the tablet edition of Baldur's gate 2 and Planescape torment) and watch netflix (I've transferred the first 4 series of American Horror Story, last 3 series of misfits and 30 movies I never got around to seeing while Paola got worse), I also have the four graphic novels by Scottie Young "I hate fairyland" which are excellent from what little I read of the first one, I also am taking the entire first release series of comics (20) of Shogun Warriors which Paola bought me, they are in near mint condition and an often overlooked Marvel series (earth 616) that came out 1978 4 years before the first Transformers and that kind of thing it even features the fantastic four.

If I don't get to post again before I go in then once again thank you all, hopefully once I get home after all this is done I can take up some of your offers to visit, I miss having movie night or gaming night.
 
Had a few scares this week, they were concerned it may have spread to my liver but the operation is going on as planned on Thursday I will try to keep people informed. Thank you for all the amazing support.
 
Hello, I am back home, I was scheduled for the operating theatre as second patient morning (20th) the patient before me had compications so they moved me to second slot afternoon and the person in front of me well a 1 hour op he/she is still on the table, it happens after all I could be a complication when I have it done, they will contact me tomorrow with a new date (because I need to fast for so long and take that stuff that moves things out of you really fast It can't just be next day) so I am here for a little while longer.
 
Sorry I did a post saying the surgery was postponed, I have been trying to distract myself this Christmas all alone so it sucked, but I survived it, my appointment is the 3rd of January, that is when my surgery is on for should be no delay, till then I am just trying to keep myself busy.
I hope you all had a better Christmas and got to spend time with family.
 
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