OcUK Dadsnet thread
- Thread starter Devrij
- Start date
Fingers crossed we won't experience a proper tantrum but so far my wifey smashed it in terms of teaching my eldest how to voice his feelings, so instead of a giant 2 year old smashing things or whatever they do he simply says the cutest "I'm so disappointed, because it's raining so I cannot go outside" or "I'm so upset, because it's finished" (his TV show).
I recommend whole heartedly attempting the same. Basically, whenever they get upset or angry or whatever you first ask them what they feel, or why they are upset, then you repeat it back to them "oh baby, I know you're upset that you can't go outside," or "I know you're disappointed you can't finish your TV show but you have already watched one episode which was nice and you can watch more tomorrow" etc. Eventually they tell you without prompt.
Give them tools to use, then they shouldn't be so dramatic when communicating or expressing their emotions
Yeah my 4 yr old isn't like that. Sometimes, she's an angel: really helpful and thoughtful about others, doing nice things just to be nice. Other times she's like a possessed demon child, and if she still retained her logical reasoning when in this state the only feeling to express would be rage and bitter avarice. Naturally we let this rebellious stuff break upon the fortress of our resolve, and simply explain that if she doesn't brush her teeth, she doesn't get bedtime stories. We're hoping that she eventually puts two and two together and realises that it's easier to get what she wants by just going to bed on time instead of engaging in the ENDLESS delaying tactics.
We went with a Local Authority for the adoption and although they have a lot less resources than charities, the staff were great. They'd respond to emails on their days off and do video calls when they're not on duty.
I say were great, but they still are. We've only had the child for a week so the process is ongoing. None of us feel there is a lack of support.
As for the time, social services have got to get the balance right between the child's protection needs (assessing you're the right person/people) and moving them on from temporary care. As you realise, the papers love a social services error, so the impact has been a multitude of checks and two panel interviews.
Ours was delayed, as mentioned, as government recommendations indicated a shorter time for adoption. Two/three years seems extreme and may point to an issue with the adopters being unsuitable or having unrealistic expectations.
The reality is that the child will probably have some delays, disturbed behaviour and/or anxiety issues. This is to be expected and embraced, even though we seem lucky at the moment with regards to behaviour.
Sorry about the formatting as I'm typing from a phone, it's pretty hard getting 5 mins at the moment!
I know someone else already replied but thought I could add some experience. My wife and I adopted our 2nd child having had our own 7 years before. We did our initial meetings with social services in Feb and they were placed with us on a Foster to Adopt scheme in October of the same year. From there is took until July to complete the adoption process. Overall everything was quick and the social workers were fantastic. They always put the children first but you will be assigned a worker who looks after you too so you can be honest and not worry. The child will have their own social worker who will not be the same person. This allows them to be independent in their thought processes.
We attended our training and courses with 3 other couples all of whom were placed at around the same time and we keep in touch still (not so much during COVID) and they have been great support. Adopted children come with their own challenges based on ages, circumstance and potential issues/problems arising from any abuse. We were clear on our requirements that we could not handle a high dependency child who had any issues with FADS or other physical/medical disabilities. We said that should anything develop in future then that would be fine but we would not knowingly take anything on as it would be unfair to our eldest who would lose even more attention than he was going to which we had to balance.
Our adopted child has now been with us for a few years and it is as if they have always been with us. You learn to adapt to their requirements and some of the adjustments you have to make due to why they were up for adoption. In our case, the child had been neglected and emotionally abused from a very young age and was taken into care by police/social services against parents wishes. As such when they were placed we had to avoid certain areas and to this day we are careful with our movements just to avoid any contact with previous family. It becomes second nature though and something we just do now. As you can tell from above with keeping dates/genders off the comments.
All in a very rewarding process. Remember if you go ahead then loads of people will think you have done a great thing for a child. What they don't realise is that adoption is actually a selfish process as it is you that wants a child. Do not be afraid to be honest with yourselves about what you want. You will be a parent and everything needs to work for you and not just getting a child.
For reference I was around your age when we started the process for adoption.
To answer your specific questions, in our case, child matching was done via a spreadsheet where a child's requirements (standard questions) are scored against you and any other prospective parents in the mix. The match with the highest score will likely be offered the child first. This is all anonymous and you are represented by your social worker who argues your score numbers. It sounds bad to use a process like that for children but it works as they have to be honest and cover all the ground they can to get a good match. We actually received the scoring sheet for our match (by mistake I think) and found we only "won" by 1 point out of 50 ish so it was close.
If you want a baby/young toddler then be prepared for longer waits as they are the most wanted children. Be open with your requirements. You can choose boy/girl but if you aren't bothered then that will help speed things up. You can also be less restrictive with other criteria and your social worker will go through this with you later in the process.
Any other questions I am happy to say how it worked for us.
I'm thinking of getting my daughter a Fire Tablet kids version as it seems completely geared towards them and I'd not have to worry too much about what she can and can't access on my ipad without me locking it all beforehand.
I've found Khan Academy Kids really good for her and it's completely free. I'm going to stick with that for the time being and think about trying Lingokids.
Another bugbear of mine is that nearly all these apps are American English!
Soldato
- Joined
- 1 Jul 2007
- Posts
- 5,392
@ShadowMan @simpletom thank-you.
Interesting to read how quick it can happen, maybe it's different up here or the fact we're two dads it could take longer? Although I've also read that some agency almost prefer same sex couples as they're typically older, more settled and already come to terms emotionally with the lack of natural child birth and having to adopt. But who knows. It's all interesting reading and something I am delving in and out of as we want to "build the nest" first. I honestly though it would be something where we move and have to make enquiries almost instantly to start the ball rolling.
Interesting to read how quick it can happen, maybe it's different up here or the fact we're two dads it could take longer? Although I've also read that some agency almost prefer same sex couples as they're typically older, more settled and already come to terms emotionally with the lack of natural child birth and having to adopt. But who knows. It's all interesting reading and something I am delving in and out of as we want to "build the nest" first. I honestly though it would be something where we move and have to make enquiries almost instantly to start the ball rolling.
Same-sex couples are heavily promoted and our son's peer was adopted by a daddy and pappy.
You may be correct that same-sex may be more ideal as they may not have the issues as infertile hetro couples bring. If you have recently had IVF, for instance, they will talk to you about it.
However, it will largely come down to the professional judgement of your matching social worker.
You will be quizzed about your relationship and you may be individually interviewed as well. However, the fact you're a potential daddy and pappy is very positive.
Last edited:
Of the 4 couples who went through our training and course together, 1 was same sex and they had no problems at all. They were matched within a few weeks of us too so they certainly don't think of it as negative. What they want is the best for a child and I think any home that can be stable and provide a loving relationship is considered positive. All throughout the training they emphasised love as a building block of the childs development. Sounds corny but it is what children need and even more so when their circumstances may not have provided it at all in the past.
Good luck when you go for it. Its a journey but its a very rewarding one.
Good luck when you go for it. Its a journey but its a very rewarding one.
Soldato
- Joined
- 27 Mar 2013
- Posts
- 9,363
My son's 4th birthday is in September. What have you guys been doing in lieu of parties?
I found hide and seek great, close your eyes and count to then with them, then go hunting for something. We started with 5, then 10 then 20 etc.
Otherwise my boys also like books and there are some really good stories which include counting
We did have a trip booked to canary Islands... this has since changed to Western supermare
The lack of party wasn't due to covid though, it was due to the loss of their great grandad.
Hi all! I've had the absolute pleasure of being Father to my daughter for 15 months now, and have managed to refrain from actively posting in here for advice from more experienced Dad's... until now!
I'm after a new group 1+ car seat. She's always been a little advanced in height/weight (consistently top 2 percentiles for around a year now), and as a result she has outgrown Joie Igemm 0 group car seat more quickly than initially expected. My hope is that there's a "mondeo" style recommendation that I can piggyback, however I'm not averse to doing my own research so I'd be really grateful for any information or opinions on the subject of car seats you more experienced. The main thing I find myself wondering is what are the pros/cons of getting a flexible 1/2/3 group seat over less flexible types that only accommodate one or two groups. It doesn't appear to be a simple question of cost from what I can see, so am I safe to say there must be some benefit of less flexible seats to justify the fact that they are less value for money over time?
After doing some more thorough thread scouring, @RoboCod it seems you have felt this pain approx 9 months ago, any joy in the end?
How old she and what does she enjoy most? Ours absolutely loves books, so books that include pages on or are focused entirely on counting (shout out to Moomin's Little Book of Numbers) have worked wonders.
I'm after a new group 1+ car seat. She's always been a little advanced in height/weight (consistently top 2 percentiles for around a year now), and as a result she has outgrown Joie Igemm 0 group car seat more quickly than initially expected. My hope is that there's a "mondeo" style recommendation that I can piggyback, however I'm not averse to doing my own research so I'd be really grateful for any information or opinions on the subject of car seats you more experienced. The main thing I find myself wondering is what are the pros/cons of getting a flexible 1/2/3 group seat over less flexible types that only accommodate one or two groups. It doesn't appear to be a simple question of cost from what I can see, so am I safe to say there must be some benefit of less flexible seats to justify the fact that they are less value for money over time?
After doing some more thorough thread scouring, @RoboCod it seems you have felt this pain approx 9 months ago, any joy in the end?
How old she and what does she enjoy most? Ours absolutely loves books, so books that include pages on or are focused entirely on counting (shout out to Moomin's Little Book of Numbers) have worked wonders.
We ended up with the britax romer
https://www.johnlewis.com/britax-romer-dualfix-m-i-size-car-seat-cosmos-black/p4393185
It's class and on short slow journeys we spin him around to face the front and engage with him a little more. Whereas on long journeys he faces backwards and watches a movie. He's tall for his age but I think it will do us for some time yet. Then I guess it will be another purchase of a junior size car seat. I begrudgingly bought him this intermediate seat, but you gotta do what you gotta do I guess.
The britax stays in the car all the time though. We never need to remove it to be honest.
My general feeling is that, even the ones where you can take out the lining for cleaning, it will be so manky by the time they outgrow a limited size seat that you'll want to get another one anyway. There are always bits you can't quite get at to clean, and the detritus of a child can be seriously wack. At that age it won't be long before, instead of welcoming the immediate sleep driving brings, you'll be trying to prevent it lest you face a night of a wide awake child. So it helps to be able to keep them entertained. Cup holder is seriously useful btw.
Good luck! We're in on the Tuesday morning for a planned c-section, for baby #1. Very nervous! Strange to think this time in 4 days I'll have a newborn in the house, and I'll officially be a father...
It will all go so fast mate it really is amazing the first time! Good luck to you and your Mrs.
Soldato
- Joined
- 14 Mar 2011
- Posts
- 5,442
Good luck all - I'll throw my hat in the ring too - we are at 39 weeks now on our first so could be along any day now 
