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The Funktopus said:
I initially never wanted kids, as I was unsure I could deal with the toddler phase, having witnessed it with my niece and nephew, while my wife said she didn’t want kids because nearly everyone else she knew who went through a pregnancy had horrendous morning sickness, like the whole term, and she said she couldn’t go through that. But, a year after we married “things changed for her”, and she wanted a kid. At times I do wonder whether that was a plan all along, agree to anything, seal the deal then just row back on it down the line, but I suppose as a bloke I’ll never understand the impulse women have that drives them to want kids.

So, after contemplating walking away over the issue, a friend of mine who had never wanted kids himself, with the first arriving by accident and the second by design, talked me round, as in his words that phase I’ve dreaded so much soon passes, and they’re in school before you know it.

However, my daughter has global speech and language and a social skills delay, and displays all the hallmark behaviours of being on the Autistic spectrum. We’re waiting still waiting for an appointment with the specialists who can give us an Autism diagnosis that’ll get us access to the help she’ll need. We’ve already had to wait a year just to see a paediatrician for a referral to just then go on another at least year long waiting list, meanwhile I’m paying £75 each for weekly speech therapy sessions to try and get her some help.

In the meantime, she’s 3 now, but still doesn’t talk. She knows words, songs etc, she has a wide vocabulary, can count, add subtract to a certain extent, she’s undoubtedly intelligent, but when it comes to communicating wants or needs, if she’s hungry, tired, wants something, she just reverts to this shrill ear piercing scream when she feels she can’t get her point across, which is really quickly, and it’s honestly just nerve shredding. It feels at times she’s just an unexploded bomb waiting to go off.

It feels as if there’s no prospect of it ever getting better. My wife and I had the first proper argument of our 5 year marriage the other day because she wants another kid, and I just flat out told her no for the first time over something that’s in my power to give her. The overwhelming probability is that any subsequent kids we have after this one will also be Autistic. I can’t go through this again.
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Sorry to read this. Can't be easy. Nothing wrong with admitting regrets. I'm sure more have similar feelings but it's kept quiet.

I hope things get better for you. My step siblings have 2 kids, one has severe autism type symptoms and other mile. It looks hard. Very hard.

I really hope you can trust that your wife didn't "trap" you. But again. I can understand the feelings. I'd think the same if my gf changed her mind.

If another kid isn't what you want. (and again, especially with risk Of autism, I understand).
One of you will have to change your mind, and hopefully not be bitter about it.
Kids are(obviously) one of the binary choices you have in a relationship.


I hope you find a path, what ever it is. Posts like yours should be more talked about. Because partners should not convince/persuade etc each other to change thier minds on something so important, life changing and commited as having kids.


Its impossible to understand impulse to have kids if you don't have it. My gf had it over dog. I knew when she talked about it, it was going to happen. Ie.. Dog or break up. She did have second thoughts when we got him and he was returnable to the rescue. But it was me that said "he's not going back".
In reality, we probably shouldn't have had a dog. She can't cope basically. But there was no way I could tell her not to get him.
She's even admitted that I was probably right. But that instinct, it seems like when someone gets that in their head... Theres no going back.
 
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The Funktopus said:
I initially never wanted kids, as I was unsure I could deal with the toddler phase, having witnessed it with my niece and nephew, while my wife said she didn’t want kids because nearly everyone else she knew who went through a pregnancy had horrendous morning sickness, like the whole term, and she said she couldn’t go through that. But, a year after we married “things changed for her”, and she wanted a kid. At times I do wonder whether that was a plan all along, agree to anything, seal the deal then just row back on it down the line, but I suppose as a bloke I’ll never understand the impulse women have that drives them to want kids.

So, after contemplating walking away over the issue, a friend of mine who had never wanted kids himself, with the first arriving by accident and the second by design, talked me round, as in his words that phase I’ve dreaded so much soon passes, and they’re in school before you know it.

However, my daughter has global speech and language and a social skills delay, and displays all the hallmark behaviours of being on the Autistic spectrum. We’re waiting still waiting for an appointment with the specialists who can give us an Autism diagnosis that’ll get us access to the help she’ll need. We’ve already had to wait a year just to see a paediatrician for a referral to just then go on another at least year long waiting list, meanwhile I’m paying £75 each for weekly speech therapy sessions to try and get her some help.

In the meantime, she’s 3 now, but still doesn’t talk. She knows words, songs etc, she has a wide vocabulary, can count, add subtract to a certain extent, she’s undoubtedly intelligent, but when it comes to communicating wants or needs, if she’s hungry, tired, wants something, she just reverts to this shrill ear piercing scream when she feels she can’t get her point across, which is really quickly, and it’s honestly just nerve shredding. It feels at times she’s just an unexploded bomb waiting to go off.

It feels as if there’s no prospect of it ever getting better. My wife and I had the first proper argument of our 5 year marriage the other day because she wants another kid, and I just flat out told her no for the first time over something that’s in my power to give her. The overwhelming probability is that any subsequent kids we have after this one will also be Autistic. I can’t go through this again.
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Think that's completely fair to say no to having a 2nd right now as things sound extremely difficult! Hope you can start making some progress with whatever help or assistance your daughter needs and it becomes a bit more manageable going forwards
 
The Funktopus said:
...
We’ve already had to wait a year just to see a paediatrician for a referral to just then go on another at least year long waiting list, meanwhile I’m paying £75 each for weekly speech therapy sessions to try and get her some help.
...
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Can you not go private for the autism diagnosis, it shouldn't be that expensive - some local authorities won't accept anything but an NHS diagnosis, but many will (stay on the NHS wait list even if you do get a private one done though)
 
The Funktopus said:
[...]

It feels as if there’s no prospect of it ever getting better. My wife and I had the first proper argument of our 5 year marriage the other day because she wants another kid, and I just flat out told her no for the first time over something that’s in my power to give her. The overwhelming probability is that any subsequent kids we have after this one will also be Autistic. I can’t go through this again.
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It might be hard for her to hear, but it needed to be said that you can't/don't want it again. A friend of mine is in a similar situation, but for his Wife, she's seemingly just chasing what she considers "the perfect birth", which boggles the mind somewhat. But whenever she talks about it he flat out says no, and then starts the massive shouting matches, like his opinion doesn't matter - even though they already have 2 kids that she, in his words "can't even stand to be around".

For me it has to be a unanimous decision to have a child, be it the first or otherwise. Also, whose to say when you get a couple more years down the road and things progress, that you couldn't re-evaluate it then. Who knows where you'll all be. And if it's because of the age gap being too big, you could always consider adopting.
 
BongoHunter said:
Can you not go private for the autism diagnosis, it shouldn't be that expensive - some local authorities won't accept anything but an NHS diagnosis, but many will (stay on the NHS wait list even if you do get a private one done though)
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You're looking at around 2.5k for a private autism assessment roughly. Even then the waiting list is several months here.
 
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Minstadave said:
You're looking at around 2.5k for a private autism assessment roughly. Even then the waiting list is several months here.
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Checked with my wife for you...the paediatrician they work with has stopped taking referrals now as she is fully booked until mid summer next year. Just a suggestion as the thought just struck me:

Find out from your local authority what evidence they require for the diagnosis that goes towards the EHCP. Then, find reasonable airtickets to South Africa (a lot of the therapists and doctors here are from there anyway and it is closer than Aus/NZ etc). Then, find a paediatrician/Speech Therapist there and book an appointment and get it done in SA. Not sure what they will cost but cannot imagine more than here and likely less with the added benefit that you will be seen a lot sooner than "several months to a year".

I can possibly find out from friends there who to see etc if the idea appeals to you.

However, you do need to find out exactly what your LA wants as my wife says they all look at different things.

Good luck
 
OG said:
Had similar conversations with my group of friends that have younger kids where some holidays feels like parenting but just in a different location :cry: which I completely get... I think it's why the 'all inclusive' holidays become a bit more appealing with younger kids as there's so much entertainment on offer, food is easy etc.
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That's how I feel, we had flights booked to Santorini this week but cancelled it in the end and took him to soft play & swimming. Having an 18 month with us abroad (and getting there, the flight etc) just wouldn't be fun, and we wouldn't be able to do anything on an evening as he goes to bed at 7 and if it's later he gets very cranky. We'd just be sat in a hotel room with him asleep near us and we'd probably end up having to have a silent disco. :cry:

I think once he is a little older and can actually appreciate being abroad properly we will take him with us but until then his gran can have him for a few days and my wife and I can have some child free fun.
 
Noughtboy said:
Checked with my wife for you...the paediatrician they work with has stopped taking referrals now as she is fully booked until mid summer next year. Just a suggestion as the thought just struck me:

Find out from your local authority what evidence they require for the diagnosis that goes towards the EHCP. Then, find reasonable airtickets to South Africa (a lot of the therapists and doctors here are from there anyway and it is closer than Aus/NZ etc). Then, find a paediatrician/Speech Therapist there and book an appointment and get it done in SA. Not sure what they will cost but cannot imagine more than here and likely less with the added benefit that you will be seen a lot sooner than "several months to a year".

I can possibly find out from friends there who to see etc if the idea appeals to you.

However, you do need to find out exactly what your LA wants as my wife says they all look at different things.

Good luck
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Sorry not sure if this was meant for me or Functopus. It's valuable advice.

I'm a Paediatrician by trade, was just sharing that even a private assessment isnt all that quick at the moment and very expensive. Community paeds is broken in many parts of the country with huge waiting lists and very little support after diagnosis. It's almost impossible to get an EHCP here.
 
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ChrisD. said:
That's how I feel, we had flights booked to Santorini this week but cancelled it in the end and took him to soft play & swimming. Having an 18 month with us abroad (and getting there, the flight etc) just wouldn't be fun, and we wouldn't be able to do anything on an evening as he goes to bed at 7 and if it's later he gets very cranky. We'd just be sat in a hotel room with him asleep near us and we'd probably end up having to have a silent disco. :cry:

I think once he is a little older and can actually appreciate being abroad properly we will take him with us but until then his gran can have him for a few days and my wife and I can have some child free fun.
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Good on you. Too many selfish people take young kids abroad, and it has the potential to ruin a lot of peoples holidays I.e. if child is unhappy all neighbours hear is a screaming child, don't need that on a flight either.
 
theone8181 said:
Good on you. Too many selfish people take young kids abroad, and it has the potential to ruin a lot of peoples holidays I.e. if child is unhappy all neighbours hear is a screaming child, don't need that on a flight either.
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Not very fair IMO, we are very privileged that we have someone who can look after him if we go away, not many people have that option so if they choose to go abroad they have to take their children.
 
ChrisD. said:
Not very fair IMO, we are very privileged that we have someone who can look after him if we go away, not many people have that option so if they choose to go abroad they have to take their children.
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They don't have to go abroad. If a child is screaming, there's not always much that can be done. I think it's very irresponsible to take them on a plane for that reason. Its why we only took our 2 abroad for the first time lady year at 6 and 8 (well thats a lie, we were going to do passports in Feb 20 then covid hit).
 
theone8181 said:
Good on you. Too many selfish people take young kids abroad, and it has the potential to ruin a lot of peoples holidays I.e. if child is unhappy all neighbours hear is a screaming child, don't need that on a flight either.
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Lol. Seriously? Going away with kids is a critical element of their upbringing. A few hours on a flight is not the end of the world. Get a grip.
 
theone8181 said:
They don't have to go abroad. If a child is screaming, there's not always much that can be done. I think it's very irresponsible to take them on a plane for that reason. Its why we only took our 2 abroad for the first time lady year at 6 and 8 (well thats a lie, we were going to do passports in Feb 20 then covid hit).
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Not sure you'll win this lol. My 3yo was absolutely buzzing to go on a plane and tbh was a bit underwhelmed by the holiday itself after that experience lol.
 
theone8181 said:
They don't have to go abroad. If a child is screaming, there's not always much that can be done. I think it's very irresponsible to take them on a plane for that reason. Its why we only took our 2 abroad for the first time lady year at 6 and 8 (well thats a lie, we were going to do passports in Feb 20 then covid hit).
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Sounds like there is already one baby on your flights, no harm in there being any more.
 
I can't believe you guys think it's acceptable to have a screaming child on a plane. Sounds like a right 'I'm alright Jack' attitude. I've no issues with kids if they're quiet, but obviously nobody knows what a young child is going to do.
Just to clarify I should say 'baby's rather than child, those under 2 where they can't really explain discomfort (such as unable to pop ears).
 
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theone8181 said:
Good on you. Too many selfish people take young kids abroad, and it has the potential to ruin a lot of peoples holidays I.e. if child is unhappy all neighbours hear is a screaming child, don't need that on a flight either.
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Freefaller said:
Lol. Seriously? Going away with kids is a critical element of their upbringing. A few hours on a flight is not the end of the world. Get a grip.
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They deserve to be there as much as anyone.
George at the age of about 18 months loved the holiday.
If you're so put out by a baby crying maybe don't use travel where your in a confined space.
Go to a hotel that's adults only as well.
 
robj20 said:
They deserve to be there as much as anyone.
George at the age of about 18 months loved the holiday.
If you're so put out by a baby crying maybe don't use travel where your in a confined space.
Go to a hotel that's adults only as well.
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Just proving my point. There will be lots of people inconvenienced by a screaming baby, rather than the one family that has the screaming baby.
 
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