OcUK Dadsnet thread

tom_e said:
My wife has gone through similar with my 13 going on 20 step daughter. Constantly clashing, real edgy feeling in the house because you never knew when one of them was going to say something that set the other one off just generally a very combative relationship.

Step daughter moved out and back in with her dad approx. 4 months ago now and now the time her my my wife do spend together is great no arguments, no stress, no edginess in the house when she spends weekends with us. Him going off to uni might actually be exactly what you both need to repair your relationship.
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Yeah cheers all. I've got used to just basically distancing myself from him where possible and letting him do his thing, then when we do see each other it tends to be better. I think it's like that holiday syndrome thing. For some people, even their own partner they end up hating at the end of a long holiday because you spend too much time together every day. I think the less time we spend living in the same house it will be better, but yeah...I will miss him. Looking back, I suppose I became like this to an extent with my parents, but I sure as **** did not speak to them the way he does.
I think the problem these days is they feel invincible as they know you can't really touch them physically so they push boundaries.
In some ways - not condoning it in 2023 as things have changed - I think things were simpler when you stepped out of line and your old man gave you a good slap.
 
tom_e said:
Step daughter moved out and back in with her dad approx. 4 months ago now and now the time her my my wife do spend together is great no arguments, no stress, no edginess in the house when she spends weekends with us. Him going off to uni might actually be exactly what you both need to repair your relationship.
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This significantly helped my relationship with my Dad - as odd as it sounds. He was away a lot when we were younger (working abroad 3 weeks out of 4) so we didn't see him a lot - we then relocated so he wouldn't have to travel as much and suddenly he was there a lot more and I think it was just a strange transition for all of us and not particularly enjoyable.

I remember being 16/17 and being so frustrated that he wouldn't just let us 'enjoy' things, we had to be 100% all in or it wasn't worth it. Looking back now, I think it stemmed from him being away so much from when we were so young to about 10 years old that he felt when he was about at those times he had to be at 100% - and then when he was around more it was never adjusted.

After going to uni and then throughout my 20's our relationship improved tenfold. I was working in London and the clutch on my car broke and he just dropped everything to come and fix it, we drove a 3 hour roundtrip because I was an idiot and forgot my driving license (the paper version) that I needed for some sort of bank thing. We'd have drinks late in the evening, we'd go and sort out my grandparents house/lawn together, stuff that just became nice and natural as I was in my 20's.

I've got a daughter of my own now and seeing him with her or seeing him with my sister's kids is just so lovely.

It does all come and go in waves and the relationship I had with my dad in my teens to the relationship I have now is of course so different.
 
I guess it's hard to let go sometimes as you remember the last 18 years of their lives and how you put so much into it for them. Part and parcel of being a parent. It's tough. I honestly found the later teen years the most stressful to be honest. Some would say that's a given I guess.
 
jaybee said:
Yeah cheers all. I've got used to just basically distancing myself from him where possible and letting him do his thing, then when we do see each other it tends to be better. I think it's like that holiday syndrome thing. For some people, even their own partner they end up hating at the end of a long holiday because you spend too much time together every day. I think the less time we spend living in the same house it will be better, but yeah...I will miss him. Looking back, I suppose I became like this to an extent with my parents, but I sure as **** did not speak to them the way he does.
I think the problem these days is they feel invincible as they know you can't really touch them physically so they push boundaries.
In some ways - not condoning it in 2023 as things have changed - I think things were simpler when you stepped out of line and your old man gave you a good slap.
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There's a reason so many people divorced through covid :p . ^ I'm interested to see where this goes too, I feel since smacking became frowned upon its made the country soft. Imo there were less little ***** when there was the threat of the slipper, now nobody has any respect.
 
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theone8181 said:
There's a reason so many people divorced through covid :p . ^ I'm interested to see where this goes too, I feel since smacking became frowned upon its made the country soft. Imo there were less little ***** when there was the threat of the slipper, now nobody has any respect.
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I happen to agree with this as well. Lived through my days of corporal punishment and not only do I not suffer from PTSD or remain otherwise traumatized but think it taught me the lessons of actions and consequences.

That is something most of today's youth do not appreciate. I have certainly smacked my children when younger and we are often told how well behaved and polite they are.

At the same time, they will step out of line but have learned to accept the punishment if caught.

When neither teachers nor parents can punish a recalcitrant child, the world is moving towards a period of what we are seeing emerge for the last 10 years or so.
 
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Went on our first family holiday abroad with our 1 year old daughter last week, decided to keep it relatively straightforward and go to France on the ferry... We've done a few UK trips so we felt like we could manage it. I was 100% feeling the most stressed out of everyone but once we were there it was much better - although it was 32 deg for 3 days in a row.

Holidaying abroad with a 1 year old at times didn't feel like a holiday at all! It was really nice to get away for a bit but it did really feel like we were just doing what we do at home with her but in a different country. Naps, snacks, nappies, messy meal times, walks, bed time.

Trips to the beach were great, walking around the little town was really nice and our AirBnb had a really nice garden with lots of things for her to play with so overall it was nice to get away.

We did find that a lot of French cafes/restaurants didn't have any child seats at all - either just not something they do or maybe trying to ward parents with young kids off? 1 year olds don't like being held perfectly still for more than 7 seconds so it wasn't the best situation. We had some friends say the same and they ended up buying one of those booster seats for a regular chair that they just carried with them to places.

Can definitely recommend the ferry crossing though with a young child. We had a berth so naps were all good for her!
 
t2na said:
Went on our first family holiday abroad with our 1 year old daughter last week, decided to keep it relatively straightforward and go to France on the ferry... We've done a few UK trips so we felt like we could manage it. I was 100% feeling the most stressed out of everyone but once we were there it was much better - although it was 32 deg for 3 days in a row.

Holidaying abroad with a 1 year old at times didn't feel like a holiday at all! It was really nice to get away for a bit but it did really feel like we were just doing what we do at home with her but in a different country. Naps, snacks, nappies, messy meal times, walks, bed time.

Trips to the beach were great, walking around the little town was really nice and our AirBnb had a really nice garden with lots of things for her to play with so overall it was nice to get away.

We did find that a lot of French cafes/restaurants didn't have any child seats at all - either just not something they do or maybe trying to ward parents with young kids off? 1 year olds don't like being held perfectly still for more than 7 seconds so it wasn't the best situation. We had some friends say the same and they ended up buying one of those booster seats for a regular chair that they just carried with them to places.

Can definitely recommend the ferry crossing though with a young child. We had a berth so naps were all good for her!
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Had similar conversations with my group of friends that have younger kids where some holidays feels like parenting but just in a different location :cry: which I completely get... I think it's why the 'all inclusive' holidays become a bit more appealing with younger kids as there's so much entertainment on offer, food is easy etc.
 
OG said:
Had similar conversations with my group of friends that have younger kids where some holidays feels like parenting but just in a different location :cry: which I completely get... I think it's why the 'all inclusive' holidays become a bit more appealing with younger kids as there's so much entertainment on offer, food is easy etc.
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Yep! Definitely more tempted to go all inclusive on our next trip..!
 
Absolutely ballistic meltdown ongoing for the past hour with scream-crying and jumping up and down on the spot because it’s raining and she wants to go out to play. We even put her coat and her wellies on and let her go out into the garden to see for herself. She soon came back in, but continues the sonic assault as if it’s our fault. Seriously, you can feel the pressure on your ear drums. I’d liken it to walking into the engine room of one of the ships I used to work on without hearing protection.

To those of you reading this who haven’t already ruined your lives by having kids, don’t. Just don’t.
 
Both twins have the squits at the moment. Horrible, watery squits. Yesterday was tough as I was the only one in the house as the Mrs was at work (I'm lucky enough that work let me do childcare alongside working from home a few days). Oddly, didn't feel that tired. I think the crash is coming. When the kids are not well, I think the paternal part of my brain takes over.
 
SixTwoSix said:
I've had a few moments like that in the last 6 years, they soon pass and the good outweighs the bad a hundredfold - trying for number two right now (well, not this very instant)
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I initially never wanted kids, as I was unsure I could deal with the toddler phase, having witnessed it with my niece and nephew, while my wife said she didn’t want kids because nearly everyone else she knew who went through a pregnancy had horrendous morning sickness, like the whole term, and she said she couldn’t go through that. But, a year after we married “things changed for her”, and she wanted a kid. At times I do wonder whether that was a plan all along, agree to anything, seal the deal then just row back on it down the line, but I suppose as a bloke I’ll never understand the impulse women have that drives them to want kids.

So, after contemplating walking away over the issue, a friend of mine who had never wanted kids himself, with the first arriving by accident and the second by design, talked me round, as in his words that phase I’ve dreaded so much soon passes, and they’re in school before you know it.

However, my daughter has global speech and language and a social skills delay, and displays all the hallmark behaviours of being on the Autistic spectrum. We’re waiting still waiting for an appointment with the specialists who can give us an Autism diagnosis that’ll get us access to the help she’ll need. We’ve already had to wait a year just to see a paediatrician for a referral to just then go on another at least year long waiting list, meanwhile I’m paying £75 each for weekly speech therapy sessions to try and get her some help.

In the meantime, she’s 3 now, but still doesn’t talk. She knows words, songs etc, she has a wide vocabulary, can count, add subtract to a certain extent, she’s undoubtedly intelligent, but when it comes to communicating wants or needs, if she’s hungry, tired, wants something, she just reverts to this shrill ear piercing scream when she feels she can’t get her point across, which is really quickly, and it’s honestly just nerve shredding. It feels at times she’s just an unexploded bomb waiting to go off.

It feels as if there’s no prospect of it ever getting better. My wife and I had the first proper argument of our 5 year marriage the other day because she wants another kid, and I just flat out told her no for the first time over something that’s in my power to give her. The overwhelming probability is that any subsequent kids we have after this one will also be Autistic. I can’t go through this again.
 
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George is in year 1 now. Only a few weeks in and they already think he won't make the year. He's way behind.
It's a bit sad but at least he's had the whole of reception in mainstream.
I guess they'll start making decisions at the end of the first term.
 
Most autism is genetic (inherited). It runs in my family (Aspergers) including myself and one of my daughters. My second daughter doesn't have it.
 
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The Funktopus said:
I initially never wanted kids, as I was unsure I could deal with the toddler phase, having witnessed it with my niece and nephew, while my wife said she didn’t want kids because nearly everyone else she knew who went through a pregnancy had horrendous morning sickness, like the whole term, and she said she couldn’t go through that. But, a year after we married “things changed for her”, and she wanted a kid. At times I do wonder whether that was a plan all along, agree to anything, seal the deal then just row back on it down the line, but I suppose as a bloke I’ll never understand the impulse women have that drives them to want kids.

So, after contemplating walking away over the issue, a friend of mine who had never wanted kids himself, with the first arriving by accident and the second by design, talked me round, as in his words that phase I’ve dreaded so much soon passes, and they’re in school before you know it.

However, my daughter has global speech and language and a social skills delay, and displays all the hallmark behaviours of being on the Autistic spectrum. We’re waiting still waiting for an appointment with the specialists who can give us an Autism diagnosis that’ll get us access to the help she’ll need. We’ve already had to wait a year just to see a paediatrician for a referral to just then go on another at least year long waiting list, meanwhile I’m paying £75 each for weekly speech therapy sessions to try and get her some help.

In the meantime, she’s 3 now, but still doesn’t talk. She knows words, songs etc, she has a wide vocabulary, can count, add subtract to a certain extent, she’s undoubtedly intelligent, but when it comes to communicating wants or needs, if she’s hungry, tired, wants something, she just reverts to this shrill ear piercing scream when she feels she can’t get her point across, which is really quickly, and it’s honestly just nerve shredding. It feels at times she’s just an unexploded bomb waiting to go off.

It feels as if there’s no prospect of it ever getting better. My wife and I had the first proper argument of our 5 year marriage the other day because she wants another kid, and I just flat out told her no for the first time over something that’s in my power to give her. The overwhelming probability is that any subsequent kids we have after this one will also be Autistic. I can’t go through this again.
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That's a fair old amount to deal with and as such, understand your initial comment a lot clearer now. My close friends daughter has autism and having witnessed a few meltdowns, i'm not sure it's something I could deal with. I absolutely understand you not wanted to risk the same again with a 2nd child.
 
ChrisD. said:
Our boy is nearly 18 months and the tantrums are in full swing, the joy!
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And the fun never stops... My 7 and 3 year old both had joint histericks a couple of weeks ago because I took a pair of scissors to they inflatable house. To the point where the eldest was hyperventilating and calling us the 'WORST PARENTS EVER' I've never seen a meltdown like it.

It had got to the point where we'd warned them enough times to stop doing what they were doing (as it was getting to the point where someone could hurt themselves or they'd damage something) or we'd pop the damn thing. Safe to say they continued so i followed through with my threat.

I think something has gotten through to them though as when i ask them to stop now, on the 3rd time I'll say they'll lose their tablets or something... the bad behaviour magically stops.
 
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