Was walking home from the pub late one night, pretty damn drunk. It was a really foggy night, which is rare, so I decided to do something a bit naughty on the way home. My route home goes through an allotment. It's quite open and is overlooked by houses, but with periodic tree cover and the houses are about 40m away from the main path through the allotment. So I walk up the path until a get to a large tree, at which point I unzip and start jacking it, in the cover of tree, fog and darkness. So I'm moments away from blowing my load, when I hear voices along the path behind me. I turn around and see the light from a mobile phone, roughly 30m away. "OH ****!" I run like crazy. No time to zip up before I begin to run, so I do it on the move. Somehow, these people didn't see me. Thank god for the fog. Anyone I got home to my bed safely and finished myself off. Probably one of those nights where you wish the alcohol made you forget, but alas. It is pretty funny in retrospect.
And there was me thinking you liked to put slices of bread up your bum, and pretend to be a toaster
