***Warning - waffle alert!!!***
(I would write this more coherently and/or better, but, ya know)
For what it’s worth, I think my own anxiety is caused by the fact I’ve lived my life too cautiously and have ‘succeeded’ by never allowing myself to make mistakes, so I am terrified of making them because I haven’t learnt that life will ‘just be ok’. This is partly fuelled by my loving but overprotective parents and the drilling in of utter rubbish such as “if you’ve got nothing nice to say don’t say it”, “be careful”, “don’t be ungrateful”, “good people don’t get angry”, “you must always try to be a good person”.
The fear of mistakes makes me constantly second guess myself. What do I want? I don’t know. Am I being a wimp? Should I dramatically change what I’m doing? I love my friends and I like my job but I’m still worried and therefore it doesn’t feel right and something must all be wrong - am I wasting my time?! What if it’s not all ok!?!
Therefore my present day anxiety is a build up from decades of wanting to just go “**** it” - dump the partner, quit the job, punch the person in the face. All that behaviour that the cautious mind perceives as being ‘self-destructive’ but actually, it isn’t, at all. Exercising that ‘self-destructive’ side is called exercising your right to do what you want to do, taking **** from nobody, being yourself and putting yourself and your needs first (rather than being commanded by social expectation).
Being ‘nice’ is such a dreadful waste of energy - it’s exhausting. You can spend 100% less energy and still be lovable. Try it. Start small. It doesn’t have to be a case of instantly going nuclear. Don’t leave a tip. Don’t ask how people are at the coffee point. After a while, you start standing up for yourself and saying thinks like “no, this is not acceptable” - and people start listening.
You can’t go backwards and dump / punch all those people, shout back at your family or go back and quit your job. But you can live going forwards taking stock that your anxiety / tension is a combination of the build up of the ‘unexpressed part of yourself’ magnifying the need to do ‘reckless things’ and your over-sensitive ‘play it safe drive’ being your default mode.
Also, “What if it’s not OK?!” is literally the most stupid exercise ever - you feel all the pain as if everything terrible has happened when it hasn’t, necessarily. It’s sort of akin to worrying about ghosts in the graveyard. You experience all the horror of the ghosts as if they were actually real, without ever actually experiencing the ghosts. That thinking is, again, just a culmination of the mind being hardwired to be sceptical and a result of suppressing the reckless part of yourself that never sees the light of day.
Just a few last bits in my waffly post:
a) Life is best when what you are thinking comes straight out of your mouth. It’s just the truth, no matter how self-destructive it might seem (within some reason). Things unexpressed dominate the mind. I especially find this in relationships. I have said things to my parter that most people would think were absolutely outrageous - but, ya know what, toppling over the temple every once in a while means you can actually start to heal. All that matters is whether you both have the courage and desire to work it out. What true freedom saying what you think actually is!!!
b) You can never be happy thinking about the future or thinking about your past. You simply ‘catch yourself’ being happy like, “huh, oh yeah!” - this happens when you stop being a self absorbed nob and actually become present and enjoy the things right in front of you. Right now, I’m giving my cat a lovely fuss and she’s purring away. Honestly, it’s wonderful - what a treat
In the context of my relationship - I don’t experience happiness when thinking about the future, that’s just all too contingent. Laughs come from attacking her with a towel or when she unexpectedly delivers me a cup of tea with a slice of bread in it. Just stupid, playful ****. Honestly, nothing is better than just playing in the moment. But if you are too busy worrying you’re just going to miss it all. DON’T worry about that... just try and enjoy more moments going forwards.
I should add, that doesn’t ‘fix existing pain’ but what I’m trying to say is don’t let what drags you down contaminate and/or miss out on all the little things.
c) Your brain is gets hardwired when it experiences ‘desire -> satiation’. Your body just wants to live in that sensation and everything else compared to that sensation seems rubbish. This is why we get obsessed with romantic fantasies/people and also get addicted to things like gambling, porn, drink and food. So, to break that cycle you have to force yourself to. All your desires and needs in this regard are total rubbish and a result of ‘negative’ feedback loops in your head living in this state of ‘cheap/fickle’ joy. It is somewhat laughable when you realise that the things you have perceived to be ‘true’ and have caused great pain are destroyed in an instant by the realisation you are being a total boob
Those realisations, which I think are pretty spot on for me personally, give me a little bit of comfort, so maybe that will help someone else too