**The Mental Health Thread**

Again I might be way off track, but if I can help, I will.

First of all, it's a 'trial' for her, but a majorly stressful upheaval for you, especially during this crisis. She gets what she wants, with you out of the picture but still dangling in a 'trial' likely until she finds someone else. As brutal as that sounds - that's a harsh reality in a lot of these cases. Moving house during divorce or breakup is one of the most stressful things a person can do, let alone during all this, she won't have to do that - you will.

Maybe suggest before you moving out she takes a holiday alone or with the girls and really makes her mind up about ending things. If she still decides she wants to, fully end it then to spare yourself the mental agony of the 'trial'.

Then you could start afresh in your new place without months of uncertainty and turmoil.
 
McBain said:
Any recommendations for getting some relief from AD withdrawal, specifically dizzyness please?

My GP wants me off Paroxetine and I’ve been tapering from 30 down to nothing

Week 1 was down to 20, no real problems
Week 2 was down to 10, stomach problems and the most horrendous dizzyness

It feels like I’m in a boat 24/7, if my head moves the room starts spinning so I’m currently just sat here with my head pinned to the couch :(

Feels like I’m withdrawing too fast, I’m supposed to be cold turkey as of tomorrow god knows what I’m going to be like.
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I have done it twice and soon to be a third time. My advice is take it nice and slow small drops at a time with a good bit of time in between to level out. GP’s seem to think you can come off quickly without issue which is just nonsense. Tbh doctors who prescribe A/D drugs should be made to take them to understand the side effects of withdrawal. The pharma company’s insist it does not happen so that’s what they think.

Slow and steady is the best advice I have which reduced my withdrawal side effects massively.
 
Joelk she has left you, forget the words "trial" thats nonsense. I'm sorry mate but shes left you. Lawyer up as another poster said. Look after your kids, not her. Shes made her choice. Get legal advice for visitation/CSA etc
 
So sorry to hear that @joelk2 :(

Some decent advice from @PC777 above

Does seem very cold to text you like that. Does she currently work herself or is she a stay at home mum?

If it were me I would be questioning whether she felt this way before the comment about your work colleague and whether that's now being used as the reason for this "trial" break up (which, as everyone has said, is likely not a trial at all) otherwise, if all was well before hand why would she want to throw it all away over a fly away comment? I appreciate it might be a case of losing trust but she hasn't given that as the reason has she?

To keep saying she wants her own space/company sounds like she could be suffering covid 19 related depression. If you were to leave she's not exactly going to be alone with 2 kids in the house so that seems a lame excuse really. As above perhaps suggest she has a mini break away on her own so that she can really work out what's going on in her head.

Heck, I live alone and I still fancy a break away somewhere! Lol

Hang in there and perhaps start seeking advice asap, just in case.
 
secretspy said:
So sorry to hear that @joelk2 :(

Some decent advice from @PC777 above

Does seem very cold to text you like that. Does she currently work herself or is she a stay at home mum?

If it were me I would be questioning whether she felt this way before the comment about your work colleague and whether that's now being used as the reason for this "trial" break up (which, as everyone has said, is likely not a trial at all) otherwise, if all was well before hand why would she want to throw it all away over a fly away comment? I appreciate it might be a case of losing trust but she hasn't given that as the reason has she?

To keep saying she wants her own space/company sounds like she could be suffering covid 19 related depression. If you were to leave she's not exactly going to be alone with 2 kids in the house so that seems a lame excuse really. As above perhaps suggest she has a mini break away on her own so that she can really work out what's going on in her head.

Heck, I live alone and I still fancy a break away somewhere! Lol

Hang in there and perhaps start seeking advice asap, just in case.
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Yeah. Will speak to her tonight and see what's going on in her head. She does work yeah. Assistant teacher.

She's said her hearts not in it anymore and hasn't been for a while and the messages I sent has made her realise.

Everything I've read up about says not to leave. Which I don't want to but I'm worried that it would cause it to become more messy and therefore expensive.

The most frustrating thing is she's not willing to try and sort things out. Ie go to counseling

I will seek some advice but also don't wanna go behind her back about it all.
 
So pretty much confirming then that its not a trial separation really :/

Personally I would say stand your ground. It's your home too and she can't force you out. I know you probably don't want to cause friction but my sister did the same to my brother in law, he moved out and then she threw it back in his face that he willingly left the marital home (despite her wanting space, trial separation, wouldn't try counselling etc etc :rolleyes:)

Also, seeking advice isn't going behind her back. If she wants to separate then you'd need some advice on the best way to handle things amicably, especially with kids involved and that doesn't have to involve her in the initial stages.

It would be different if the roles were reversed and you were planning to end things and spoke to CSA etc for advice before ending the relationship. In this situation you'd have nothing to feel bad about. You need to do what's right for you and your children now
 
Oh yeah DO NOT LEAVE YOUR HOME. From what i've heard from experience from friends who are going through what you are it looks as if you abandoned your family which will make things wqorse fot you. Stay in your home. If she wants to leave thats upto her.
 
So spoke to her last night. When she said trial she meant just that. 3-6 months to see if she misses me.

I said it's a lot of upheaval just to see that and I felt I was getting the real poop end of the stick.

She explained she didn't know why she was unhappy in the relationship, she doesn't know what she actually wants but would like us to work it out for the children.
I said that before we take such a big step in moving out etc that we should try counselling as we owe it to ourselves and children to try everything first. (I have no idea what counsellors do but I hope they are miracle workers). I expressed my confusion with her being unhappy as I do everything I can. Anything she wants she has, anything she wants done on the house I do, I cook, clean, iron, I'm not out all the time, I don't stop her from going anywhere, I earn a decent wage so we can go nice places, I'm loving to both her and the children. I literally can't do anymore than I was doing.

Ive said if the counseling doesn't work then at least we've explored all the options.
 
joelk2 said:
Ive said if the counseling doesn't work then at least we've explored all the options.
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I believe counselling is only going to work if you're both completely open and honest about everything, if either of you hold anything back, it's a waste of time/money.

From your posts here, I don't think that's an issue for you but from what you've said, she seems clearly guarded.
 
SixTwoSix said:
I believe counselling is only going to work if you're both completely open and honest about everything, if either of you hold anything back, it's a waste of time/money.

From your posts here, I don't think that's an issue for you but from what you've said, she seems clearly guarded.
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Agreed

If she is really willing to try and be open then it could be really beneficial to your relationship. You can't go into these things thinking "no it's not for me, it won't work etc". There is no right or wrong answer to any of the questions they may ask.
The counsellor may even suggest having some sessions separately if they think perhaps your wife will open up more on her own.

Is there anything from her past that has perhaps made her become guarded?

I definitely don't think moving out and spending money on a place to rent is the solution to seeing if she misses you. It's not financially sensible plus as you said, you'd be tied into a contract etc.
 
Ugh the amount of times I've seen similar scenarios play out amongst friends/colleagues is depressing. It's what makes me pragmatically accepting of the prospect of dying alone :D

Great advice with not leaving the home, be very careful indeed matey. Hope you can work out something amicable for the sake of the kids. They aren't stupid and it's likely they'll know something is up.
 
thanks chaps. nothing from her past has made her guarded no. i have no idea on what is involved in counselling. but its worth trying i think and she has said she thinks it is too. i think she would be open in it, shes normally one who will openly speak her mind.

in regards to the moving out advice im really in 2 minds on this. my best friend has been through a seperation with kids and this has worked out for him. they agreed everything together and amicably, are still friends, he sees the kids enough to suit him, he pays an agreed maintenance figure and thats it. he is now in a much happier place.
i want whats best for my children and i know they are not moving out of the house. the wife wouldnt leave without them so that only leaves me and as much as i can say i wouldnt leave without them i know deep down that it would do more harm than good. she has a very stong support network of family which live close (in laws on the same street). her parents look after the children a lot when we are working etc. whereas i dont have the same. her family have been my family for the past 14 years.
 
Joel i can't help but be blunt here and i know it might seem crap what i am about to say but i'm being truthful to try and help you. Everything she has said sadly indicates she doesnt love you anymore. You can try and reason it out, that you are a loving partner and father, while most of us men think these are great things in a partnert, this means nothing to a woman when she has fallen out of love. You can't reason with her. It just makes her love you less when you try.

When she is asking for a "trial" apart that means one of 2 things:

1) She's met someone else and wants to see how things go with him. If they go good then your split becomes permanent, if they go bad she comes back saying shes sorry etc until she meets the next man shes attracted too all the while you will be dancing on strings to her every whim in fear of losing her. If you took her back she loses more respect for you and falls even further out of love. This option is her way of asking you if its ok if she sleeps with and tests out other men with your permission essentially.

2) She hasn't got the decency to be honest with you and tell you she's already decided it's over. She is letting you down gently in effect.

It sounds like shes offering you a glimmer of hope but really she's coming empty handed. If she agrees to the councelling and really makes an effort then i would believe she is genuine and wants to try but the fact she said she doesnt want to try is what i would be focusing on. A womans actions are far more important than her words. In this instance words and actions are saying shes not interested in trying.

You cant save a relationship on your own, i am sorry. Expect the worst is all i can say.

Regarding moving out the home again, i would not do that. When its come up in the courts for my friends they said it looks like the father up and left which of course hands even more power to the mother. If you can come to an agreement before that that is legally binding that suits all parties including you then that is fair enough but i'd legal up quicker than later regardless.

Sorry this is happening to you.
 
ninjabib said:
It sounds like shes offering you a glimmer of hope but really she's coming empty handed. If she agrees to the councelling and really makes an effort then i would believe she is genuine and wants to try but the fact she said she doesnt want to try is what i would be focusing on. A womans actions are far more important than her words. In this instance words and actions are saying shes not interested in trying.

You cant save a relationship on your own, i am sorry. Expect the worst is all i can say.

Regarding moving out the home again, i would not do that. When its come up in the courts for my friends they said it looks like the father up and left which of course hands even more power to the mother. If you can come to an agreement before that that is legally binding that suits all parties including you then that is fair enough but i'd legal up quicker than later regardless.

Sorry this is happening to you.
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so her words last night was that she was prepared to give counselling a go, she said she told me before that she was open to it but that wasnt the case.

i basically echoed what you said, that i cant fix this on my own and that it takes both of us and if she wants it to work for the childrens sake then shes got to want that too.

in regards to point 1 thats something i think i can rule out by myself. she doesnt go anywhere or have the time for that to be the case.

i have looked into the legal thing and we have a solicitors around the corner (who did our conveyancing) that also have a family law arm to the company and they do something called colloaborative faimly law. basically the same company reprisents us both and the 4 of us sit down and work everything out together without getting courts involved. from reading everything about it, it seems like this would suit us the best if it comes to that. as it would allow us to agree everything legally wihle being amicable and also not costing us the earth.

i cant thank everyone enough for the support and advice. this is a position and conversation id never dreamt would happen to me. as far as i was concerned we got married for a reason and were in it for the long haul.

im really hoping this is just a low point in the relationship and with all the covid and that this year its just amplified thigns and that councelling may just make her realise that shes actually got it pretty good and that we can get through this.
 
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I've seen it with friends numerous times over the years where one person wants a 'trial' separation or some time to figure out how they feel. The number of times where they have then got back together and the relationship has worked is 0.

It must be an absolutely awful situation to be in but please don't put in time trying to make things work if the other person isn't. Just focus on being the best dad you can be and make sure whatever happens, the children are shielded from as much as possible.
 
DanTheMan said:
I've seen it with friends numerous times over the years where one person wants a 'trial' separation or some time to figure out how they feel. The number of times where they have then got back together and the relationship has worked is 0.

It must be an absolutely awful situation to be in but please don't put in time trying to make things work if the other person isn't. Just focus on being the best dad you can be and make sure whatever happens, the children are shielded from as much as possible.
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we have been, we dont argue anyways and none of this has caused any arguements. we're civil in front of the children ,shes just not been speaking to me apart from this (unless she wants me to do something)

ive been spending any time im not working with the children and giving them my 100% attention. (no phone nearby that could distract me)

the eldest is nearly 9 and i think shes aware that things are not right (shes very much a daddys girl), the youngest who is almost 6 is in her own little world and loving life, the only difference is that shes been sleeping in the bed with the wife (not uncommon as she wakes nightly and i end up sleeping in her bed anyways) but she keeps asking to sleep in her room so im going to be relegated to the sofa for the time being (will blame it on my snoring as its horrific and the wife is easily disturbed from sleep)
 
Tricky situation but if I'm being honest with what you've told us on here, she doesn't sound very committed to the idea of counselling.

She's told you she was willing before but you know that's a lie and to jump from I want a 3-6 month trial break to yeah we'll give counselling a go just sounds like she's going with the flow so it doesn't get messy for the kids.

If it does go down the legal route I wouldn't expect things to stay amicable for long, I've seen the nicest of people turn horrible in those situations due to the stress it brings on. It's also unlikely that she would take a drop in lifestyle and if you earn a fair amount more than her then, unfortunately, it's not going to be a 50/50 split. You'll be expected to pay an amount that gives her and your kids the same standard of living in that property until the youngest is 18.
 
joelk2 said:
thanks for your support,

thats how it seems but im not sure how shes thinking it will work. i guess ill find out later when i speak to her.

she couldnt afford to run the house without circa 1k coming from somewhere. the child maintenance payments work out to be 400 ish so even if i gave her 500 she would be 500 short (unless that universal credit thing would be that much) which would let her pay all the bills and have some left to take kids places etc..

500 from me is manageable. i have no ideas about the running cost of say a 2bed flat for 1 person but as an estimate ive done my workings out on the below.

rent - 700
council tax - 105
water - 30
gas & electric - 60
contents insurance - 20
internet - 30
any other things needed.

basically around 1k a month.

with things such as loan, credit card, petrol, child maintenace. i would be left with around 250 a month to feed myself (and the kids when they are around) plus general monthly spending or taking kids places.
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Your numbers are pretty much spot on, I can tell you that from experience.

It's quite a cathartic moment posting in this thread because I was always someone who breezed through life without a care in the world, whatever will be will be and if I can't control it, I don't worry about it.
 
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